Is it time for the big decision?

RubyXI

Hey guys. This may seem a bit weird to some of ye but go easy on me!
Ok so i've been with my bf for three years.
I'm fairly sure he doesn't love me.
We get on fine most of the time and rarely fight but i don't think the love is there anymore.
I honestly don't know if i love him because i'm not letting myself love him because i don't think he loves me.
About a year ago when things weren't going so great i asked a few times if he loved me and the reply was always that he's not sure. That he loves me as a friend and cares about me but wasnt sure if it went any further than that.
It used to upset me when he said that so i stopped asking. Went into a state of denial.
But now that i'm getting older ( heading for 25) I find myself thinking long-term. Thinking about things like kids and proper family life. And i do really want to be loved.
I think it may be time to ask the question again. Does he love me. If he says no or still doesnt know i think i'd need to end it. And that's going to be so hard. To end it when we do still get on.
It's so tempting to keep putting it off. Just keep going as i am.
I'm worried if we break up i wont find anyone else. This is a good possibility coz i dont have friends so i dont have anyone to go out and socialise with. I have anxiety problems that make it very hard for me to meet new people. This might be as good as it gets relationship-wise.

So, do i risk breaking up with him and hope i find someone that does love me.
Do i play it safe and make do with what i've got.
Do i put the ball in his court and ask if he really wants to stay with someone he doesnt love.

biko

It depends. Are you willing to settle for what you have now?

Not every single couple are madly in love, or even close. Most long term I know couples are content and occasionally find love again during a weekend away or similar. Some even fight a lot but are too afraid of being alone to leave.

star-pants

biko wrote: »

It depends. Are you willing to settle for what you have now?

Agreed -- are you guys happy together? is there a spark? would ye both be devastated at the prospect of breaking up?
Personally, I don't think it's really fair to ask him if he loves you, he'd say it if he did. By asking you might make him over think it and hence he's 'not sure'.
Some people say 'i love you' at the drop of a hat, others will only say it to one person in their life. I'm not saying you shouldn't question your relationship with him and it's future - that's fair. But I'm just not so sure you should base the outcome on his answer to your question.
For example - I felt it, but I didn't say it to him, because I was scared. Because what if I chased him off? or what if I only 'thought' I was in love? To me it'd be a big thing to say as I've never said it and I'd be scared of messing up. But then again, if you get the chance to say it you should, incase you don't get the chance again.
I'm not sure if I'm really helping here... I just mean that he might be confused inside, that he wants to say it when he truely means it and not before. And by asking him it makes him think he's unsure?

Edit: On second thoughts, other posters do have a very good point, if you don't feel the love, it's not really going to make you happy, and will build up. So maybe you should ask him, and if he still loves you as a friend and nothing more, maybe move on.

puglover

phi3 wrote: »

Hey guys. This may seem a bit weird to some of ye but go easy on me!
Ok so i've been with my bf for three years.
I'm fairly sure he doesn't love me.
We get on fine most of the time and rarely fight but i don't think the love is there anymore.
I honestly don't know if i love him because i'm not letting myself love him because i don't think he loves me.
About a year ago when things weren't going so great i asked a few times if he loved me and the reply was always that he's not sure. That he loves me as a friend and cares about me but wasnt sure if it went any further than that.
It used to upset me when he said that so i stopped asking. Went into a state of denial.
But now that i'm getting older ( heading for 25) I find myself thinking long-term. Thinking about things like kids and proper family life. And i do really want to be loved.
I think it may be time to ask the question again. Does he love me. If he says no or still doesnt know i think i'd need to end it. And that's going to be so hard. To end it when we do still get on.
It's so tempting to keep putting it off. Just keep going as i am.
I'm worried if we break up i wont find anyone else. This is a good possibility coz i dont have friends so i dont have anyone to go out and socialise with. I have anxiety problems that make it very hard for me to meet new people. This might be as good as it gets relationship-wise.

So, do i risk breaking up with him and hope i find someone that does love me.
Do i play it safe and make do with what i've got.
Do i put the ball in his court and ask if he really wants to stay with someone he doesnt love.

Do you really need an answer? Doesn't the fact that you don't FEEL loved tell you enough.

The fact that you have come on to boards to post about this shows that you are not happy to settle. And why should you? Everyone deserves to be loved.

My advice would be don't settle and end up regretting it years down the line. It will be hard, and it will take some time but life is too short for wondering what could've been...

Femelade

I think you should ask him.
Everyone deserves to be loved. If he doesnt love you, can you honestly say that you would stay with him because ye get on so well...
It would be a very very hard decision to make, but some people can and do remain friends after break ups, maybe ye would be able to do that??
If the love isnt there i really think you shouldnt be in this relationship. this will eat away at you until you cant take it anymore. you are 25, plenty time to find someone else and be happy with them, and feel what its like to have someone love you.

John Mason

seriously?

leave him. he doesnt love you and you dont really seem to love him

you are 25, you should out sowing your wild oats, not stay with someone who likes you as a sister

and come on, if he doesnt love you, eventually he is going to find someone he does love.

banshee_bones

i realy would not settle. i would leave him , you are still young and you will more than likely meet someone who does love you. three years is a long time and after that amount of time if i had not heard it i would most certainly leave.

Dub-girl88

Dont waste anymore time with this guy. Break up with him and see what his reaction is. Sometimes you just dont know what you had until its gone. Maybe he might realise that or maybe not.

Oh The Humanity

Take the risk and get out now. With men, its best to listen to what they DONT say to you .....that will often tell you how the land lies.

A deafening silence and non committal stuff like 'not sure' when asked if he loves you will usually equate to no.

If the answer is not a clear yes, then its a no.

Risk is scary and if you have anxiety problems and no friends at the moment (that can be changed) I can only imagine it seems really hard.

Are you doing any work with a counsellor re the anxiety? If not please do.
They can help you with managing the panics etc and thus being able to put yourself into friend making situatons easier.

With friends you have more outlets to meet someone else, but at 25 well, there really is no pressure.

Best of luck.

Beruthiel

phi3 wrote: »

I'm worried if we break up i wont find anyone else.

That is not a reason to stay with someone who does not love you.
As time goes on, you will become miserable and bitter.
Never, ever settle.

RubyXI

Hey Guys. Thanks for the feedback. I just can't decide what to do. I keep changing my mind. Every time i read one of ye're posts it makes sense. Even though there are many different opinions.

redfacedbear

I think that you have to end it.

Not knowing if you love your girlfriend after two years is not on - I read it as he doesn't but is just settling.

Likewise you sound like you are settling too.

I firmly believe that most people can do better than this.

Try not dwell on finding someone else. Your priorities in singledom should firstly be on getting a handle on your anxiety issues and building a social circle (as well as getting over your split). If you can do these things further relationship(s) will follow in due course.

Good luck

Jimmy Bottlehead

There are ALWAYS other people out there that you can meet. And funnily, in my experience, you end up meeting people in ways you never expected.

Don't settle - life is too short to half-arse it. And if he doesn't really love you as a woman, then you're holding him back too.

If you're that good together you'll find each other again - if you both move on, it shows that it wouldn't have worked anyways.

Salome

Life is too short to waste time on men who don't know how they feel.

If he says he's not sure, it means he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you might hope. If a man feels genuine love, he will bloody well tell you!

You're only 25 - don't waste your best years on a man who "isn't sure". He's not worth it.

LegacyUser

My advice (and as the song says advice is nothing more than a form of nostalgia):
I did the 'brave thing' and left a relationship that I was not 100% about when I was 27. All my friends at the time were settling down and I knew that we too would have been in the married status very soon...we got on great were best friends and there were times when I felt loved and great...but there were times when it just felt wrong...hard to put a pin on but our families for example would have been quite different - mine the typical Irish family where no one says I love you but the craic is great when we were all together. His family ended every phone call with 'I love you' but were quite messed up in a lot of ways...anyway thats neither here not there really.
I broke it off and went my own way - people were saying fair enough if its not right youre still young etc etc.
Now its 6 years later, what I found was that my friends who settled at that stage busy with their kids, certainly not there on a dull wednesday evening or even a summer saturday night. i moved cities, its hard to make friends, its lonely. I do sometimes wonder how things would have been...maybe I am made this way and I will never be happy - but going back I do think its a sort of game of toss- things could work out or not. Would I do the same again - probably. Does it get easier? not really.
sorry if thats a downer.just the way it is