Unreasonable

barleybooley

Okay, so here's the story so far: been with my bf for nigh on a year, absolutely head over heals about him. Said boyfriend has this awful ex who lives in Canada and she contacts him every so often. A few months ago there was a spat where she rang him and he chose to talk to her, this hurt me because he told me all the horrible things she did before they broke up. I asked him to please not talk to her again and he agreed. Fair enough. Few days ago she sent him a facebook message saying that she's been trying to ring him etc. I'm really not comfortable with this because from what he's told me, she really is a horrible person, wholly deceitful and amoral. I've asked him to please remove her from his contacts in facebook, more as a kind of "eff off " to her to please stay away from my boyfriend. He doesn't agree with this, says I'm trying to control him when really I'm not, I'm just so uncomfortable with the fact that he's keeping some sort of relationship with her, albeit a virtual one, but a relationship all the same. He's willing to end it if it comes to it based on these principles. I really don't want to break up with him but I feel that it may come to it because this is one thing we have not been able to reach a compromise on.

I know people are going to be like "you're a horrible person" but this ex is really some piece of work and I can't understand why he's choosing her over me.

Thanks

Kinetic^

Yes you are being unreasonable. She said she was trying to ring him so he's obviously ignored the calls. She's his ex for a reason, stop putting the guy under pressure to erase his past.

Nervous Wreck

Wait, you're thinking of breaking up with your boyfriend because he's maintaining civility with an ex? What exactly is he doing wrong? What's your problem with it?

RedXIV

Ok first and foremost, he's not choosing her over you, otherwise he'd be with her, not you. From a male perspective, she's in canada, she says stuff every now and again on facebook and thats it. And considering he went out with her, there is going to be SOME history there. Now if he's not comfortable telling her to "eff off" on his own, you pressuring him to do it is not going to help matters and he'll just reverse the resentment towards you. I do think relationships are about compromise but if she's in canada, seriously, what can she do?

t-ha

It's up to him if he wants to tell her to 'eff off' or not. Also he's not neccessarily choosing her over you - he may well be choosing 'doing his own thing' rather than whatever you tell him to do.

I know I'm taking alot from one post - but also can't understand that you say the only reason you have a problem with this is because you're trying to protect him from this nasty person, and you are willing to break up with him over it if he doesn't do what you want? Doesn't make much sense to me. May as well be honest about why you want him to cut all ties.

As far as practical advice goes, if I'm readnig it right then the best thnig to do is tell him honestly why you want him to stop (if it upsets you or whatever) but LEAVE the decision to him.

dudara

You can't force your opinion on him. You may think that this girl is a piece of work, but you need to let him learn that for himself. The more you push it down his throat, the more he's going to pull away.

Have some faith. If this girl is who you say she is, then she will show her true colours at some stage.

star-pants

Agree with Dudara there.

You asked him not to talk to her anymore, and he agreed. This girls said on his facebook 'you're not answering my calls' ... what does that say to you? That he's not talking to her like that anymore. You can't ask him to delete her off a social site jsut because you are uncomfortable about her. You can express your feelings yes, but you can't ask him to cut someone out just because you don't like them. It seems he's gone as far as he's willing to go with this, and if you push it, you'll lose him. And to me, that's a very stupid reason to lose someone. Who cares if she's on his facebook? He is with you. He has stopped talking to her because of you. He's leaving one remote contact with her, let him have that. You're just being niggly now. I don't mean to sound rude, but if you care and trust this guy - then who cares about his ex? Don't lose someone over something so trivial, you'll only regret it.

Gyalist

Your boyfriend needs to grow some balls and stand up to you. If he cuts of all contact you still won't be satisfied. It's not your place to choose who he should be friends with.

Do you keep contact with any of your exes? I've seen it happen so many times where the new girlfriend says "I don't like your friend. I think he's a bad influence on you/I think she's a bitch, etc.". Guy cuts contact and it's repeated until he has very little or no contact with his old friends. Meanwhile the new girlfriend never gives up on her social circle. Eventually, relationship ends and she has all her girlfriends to turn to while the guy is left totally bereft.

Joey the lips

Hi OP - I dont feel the same way as the above but I do think your worrying a bit. You gave him an ulitim and he said he would not talk to her, leave it like that, even if you notice he is talking to her.

You cant really dictate who he talks to and I think he is talking to her just to get up your goat so back off a little and ignore it. If it develops into something you would have been powerless to stop it( Your not going to travel to canada and beat the sh1t out of her now- lets get real)

When it does fizzle out your o/h will realise he cannot phase you

lolli

Hi op,

My boyfriend has an awful ex too. I dont know the girl, its just from what i've been told. Shes only interested in him when hes with someone. She then will send him texts asking him to meet up and bebo messages with soppy messages in an attempt to annoy his girfriends.

Since I started going out with him she started plauging him with messages asking him to meet up, he replied yeah sure the next time me and the gf are up we'll meet to see what her reaction is. She went mad saying was he that under the thumb etc. She was asking personal qs about me. She found out that we are planning to build a house together and she text my boyfriend to say that she now knows why hes with me because I have land to my name and for no other reason :P I actually found it funny how stupid she was acting. It began to annoy my boyfriend so he deleted her from Bebo and ignores all her texts.

If I were you I wouldnt worry, shes his ex for a reason, hes with you and shes in Canada. Just enjoy your relationship and take it easy my dear!! Look at the funny side of it.

Redpunto

He needs to make the decision as to break all contact. If he was meeting her for drinks down the pub then that would be a different story.