How to get her to move on

LegacyUser

Going go unreg for this one.

Long story short.

Ive been having a regular sexual relationship with a girl i was friendly with for past few years now. I know she is mad about me and on occasions told me she loved me. I tried to cool things off with her at the time when she told me this but i really enjoyed sleeping with her and i hate to admit it but i would ring her or call over to her when i was horney.

Anyway i have met someone now and i am in a relationship with her so i stopped replying to texts and phone calls from the FB.

Today i received a letter from her telling me she was so upset at been used etc and she was so hurt. but i told her from day one we would never be having a relationship as we were just not compatible. How can i explain this to her and make her move on and stop wasting her time on me.

ellie1

To the Op.

You are probably feeling guilty because you know what you did was wrong.
I hope you recognise the hurt you have caused this girl. If you want a FB , ensure there is understanding on both sides and if one developes feelings , its better to call it a day early on and not use people for sex.

I know this seems harsh but I would advice you not to reply because you have already given her far too much false hope in the past. In the future if your current relationship doesnt work out, do not contact this girl, she is/was clearly hoping you will develop the same feelings she has for you.
.

LegacyUser

hi ellie1

Thanks for your reply but actually I dont feel guilty about it. I told her from day one we would never have a relationship. Its not like i lead her up the garden path. She still slept with me. i just dont want her contacting me anymore.

Nervous Wreck

ellie1 wrote: »

You are probably feeling guilty because you know what you did was wrong.

Ludicrous and judgmental. Don't listen to that crap. The OP has said:

Unregistered wrote: »

but i told her from day one we would never be having a relationship as we were just not compatible.

Alot of people, on hearing things like this, are determined to change the other person's mind/heart. "I know he said he just wants a f*ck-buddy but if I treat him really well, I know he'll love me someday!" Cute thinking but it doesn't always work like that. The girl not getting the message isn't (entirely) the OP's fault and he's not posting here to ask for a guilt-trip.

That was a digression, I apologise....


Anyway, to the OP, I do agree with the last part of ellie1's post. It's probably best that you just don't reply to the letter and leave it there. It'll pretty much make her see you as a horrible person cos it's a pretty horrible thing to do. But you did set that precedent when you just stopped replying to calls/texts. So just keep it up and be the asshole that the former FB kinda needs you to be to get over you.

In short, don't do a thing.

AARRRGH

ellie1 wrote: »

You are probably feeling guilty because you know what you did was wrong.

I don't think the OP did anything wrong. People are allowed have sex without things turning into a relationship, and he did tell her a relationship would not be on the cards.

But anyway...

OP, the girl is obviously in a lot of pain. That makes me sad. I would not be able to just ignore her. I think you should meet her and once again explain the situation. Let her know that you think she is a great girl, really beautiful and special, but you are quite different people and you know it wouldn't work out in the long term. Tell her you are certain of this, so she would be better off trying to find love with someone else.

You could even offer to stay in touch if she ever needs someone to talk to. But you must make it clear that you are not compatible long term so getting into a relationship is a no go.

This will comfort her a little, as she knows you are still in her life somewhat. With time she will meet someone else and move on with her life.

Maybe this is bad advice, but I just couldn't personally let someone suffer like that.

ellie1

When the op was having sex with her , he knew that she had deeper feelings for him. He has said that despite this he rang her when he was horny. Now he knew the girl was mad about him but he didnt feel the same.So in this case and in my judgement, he should have some guilt in knowing that he was taking advantage of somebody who had feelings for him. If he was horny, he should have went out and had sex with somebody he didnt know or somebody that didnt have feelings for him. And Op if you dont feel guilty about that , in my opinion which may be regarded by some and indeed yourself as judgemental, you should.

clones1980

I agree entirely with ellie1. I was in a similar situation myself with someone and i know exactly how she feels. You knew she loved you and when she told you so at that point you should have said bye bye. I think your best leaving this girl alone and let her get on with her life. And as ellie1 pointed out if things dont work out with your current lady dont feel you have an open invitation to contact the first as that is damn right the w@anker material on your part if you do.

Karen_*

Write a letter back saying you're really sorry she's hurt but you are now in a relationship and don't wish to hear from her again as you feel she's been hurt enough and deserves alot better. Tell her she's a great girl but you're just not right for each other and you don't have the feelings for her that she has for you.

I know you've probably said all this before but do acknowledge her while stating that you now want to cut contact. I wouldn't recommend in the future using anyone for anything as it just leads to alot of hurt and you yourself wouldn't like to be used. This girl wasn't using you.

AARRRGH

ellie1 wrote:

When the op was having sex with her , he knew that she had deeper feelings for him. He has said that despite this he rang her when he was horny. Now he knew the girl was mad about him but he didnt feel the same.So in this case and in my judgement, he should have some guilt in knowing that he was taking advantage of somebody who had feelings for him. If he was horny, he should have went out and had sex with somebody he didnt know or somebody that didnt have feelings for him. And Op if you dont feel guilty about that , in my opinion which may be regarded by some and indeed yourself as judgemental, you should.

We are only responsible for our own feelings. We are not responsible for how others feel.

She chose to get attached. He didn't ask for that or encourage it. He even tried to "cool things off" when he felt they were getting a bit serious.

It's unfortunate she fell in love with him, but that was her choice.

He can feel sad that she is hurting, but I don't think he should be feeling guilty.

Karen_*

If you're using someone then they're going to get hurt. You should definately feel guilty about that. And responsible for your behaviour. When you're treating someone like crap then its a fair indication of how you feel about yourself. Have a bit of self respect and then these situations will fade away.

AARRRGH

He wasn't using her though. They had a FB relationship, i.e. no strings attached sex.

Oryx

on occasions told me she loved me

I tried to cool things off with her....but i would ring her or call over to her when i was horney.

What were you thinking? No wonder she went a bit do-lally over ya. You should have left well enough alone once you knew you both wanted different things from it.

If she sent you a letter, then she is desperate for closure. You cut her off cold, which you are entitled to do, but it hurt her. So for gods sake tell her once, and tell her straight exactly what you have said here. That she was a booty call and you never once had feelings for her. It may hurt her again, she will probably call you some creative names, but it will also remove any glimmer of hope she may be holding out that you had or have feelings for her. And as you say, make her go away*.

*Unless she goes off the rails completely and camps outside your house or something. Which is always a risk when you treat someone badly. (and like it or not, you did, when you played with her - declared - feelings)

ellie1

I reallly dont want to get into a debate/discussion about whether it was right or wrong BUT he did in fact encourage her by continuing to have sex with her when he knew she had developed deeper feelings for him. Quite often some women attach sex to a deeper form of intimacy and indeed to love. The op was very much aware of her feelings and although he is not responsible for her feelings. He should of done the "decent" thing and ended it when she had expressed her love of him.

Karen_*

AARRRGH wrote: »

He wasn't using her though. They had a FB relationship, i.e. no strings attached sex.

Having a FB is using someone for sex. Sometimes they're using you back but this girl wasn't using the OP. The OP knew that quite well. Therefore he's behaved badly. A relationship is when someone isn't being used with a view to being discarded for a new shinier object. FB and relationship don't belong in the same sentence.

girlbiker

AARRRGH wrote: »

We are only responsible for our own feelings. We are not responsible for how others feel..

Oh come on, heart of stone, we actually do have some responsibilty for how others feel. Yes to an extent your feeling are your own and no one has the "power"to make you feel something you dont want to feel (blah blah) But in the real world other people make you feel certain ways ten times a day. IMO anyone to think that they dont have power or influence over peoples feeling is plain silly. Especially someone who confessed strong feelings for the other person. He used her and knew she was in love with him, he doesnt seem to care about the fact she loved him, he cared about the lay, that doesnt make him a terrible person, people are selfish sometimes.

Anyway OP you should not contact her again after sitting her down and explaining that you never loved her and never will. Then leave her alone for good.

Nevyn

Unregistered you can't.

You just have to cut all contact and let her get on wtih the process of grieving and hope she will heal in time. The fact that you posted hear means you do have some care and
concern but there is nothing you can do about this or to fix it.
Sever all contact and be a abit more careful the next time around.

Snowie

Dude you knew she had feelings for you, You tock advantage of that any sort of agreement is bS simply because if she liked you as much as she did, she would of said yes just to be given have the chance to sleep with you, spend time with you be around you...

You've just played on some one's self esteam good work...

Oh and dont send her letter saying she great cause her reply will be if im so great why arnt you with me......
what i would say is A brash later saying.

Sorry I was playing on the fact that you fancyed me and thats why i was beding you like i said i didn't want a relationship with you i just wanted sex !

that's all she was to you so why try and hide it buy covering it with lovely comments ?
because they wont be true....

AARRRGH

Karen_* wrote: »

Having a FB is using someone for sex.

No, it's not "using" someone for sex. It is having no strings attached sex. They are different things.

By saying it is "using" someone for sex you are implying FB sex is wrong, with one or both parties being a victim.

girlbiker wrote: »

Oh come on, heart of stone, we actually do have some responsibilty for how others feel.

Until people accept responsibility for creating and owning their own feelings, they will forever be trapped in a victim mentality. "You are making me feel like this" is what victims say.

I am not saying your actions don't affect other people. I am saying if you fall in love with someone, that is entirely your own decision. You cannot blame someone else for it.

In this case, the girl fell in love with the OP. He never wanted this to happen, and told her they will never have a relationship. In an ideal world he would have seen she had stronger feelings than him, and stopped sleeping with her, but that's part of the risk when you have a FB relationship. She knew this from the start.

FB relationships are based around the concept of no strings attached sex. The girl knew this yet continued to sleep with him knowing it will go no where. This was all her choice and she only has herself to blame for this.

The girl is choosing to continue to pursue the OP, even though he has told her nothing will ever happen, and is in fact ignoring her. Again, this is a choice she is making, and is leading to her becoming unhappy.

If you read my first post in this topic you will see I have a lot of sympathy for the girl, but the reality is she only has herself to blame for her current situation. That doesn't mean the OP should be insensitive, but it does mean the OP shouldn't beat himself up for something he has no control over.

t-ha

Unregistered wrote: »

Going go unreg for this one.

Long story short.

Ive been having a regular sexual relationship with a girl i was friendly with for past few years now. I know she is mad about me and on occasions told me she loved me. I tried to cool things off with her at the time when she told me this but i really enjoyed sleeping with her and i hate to admit it but i would ring her or call over to her when i was horney horny.

Anyway i have met someone now and i am in a relationship with her so i stopped replying to texts and phone calls from the FB.

Today i received a letter from her telling me she was so upset at been used etc and she was so hurt. but i told her from day one we would never be having a relationship as we were just not compatible. How can i explain this to her and make her move on and stop wasting her time on me.

Fixed everything for ya there. Don't mention it.

Nice story OP. Just ignore and hope she's not a complete physcho, given she knows your address and whatnot. :pac:

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

I know she is mad about me and on occasions told me she loved me. I tried to cool things off with her at the time when she told me this but i really enjoyed sleeping with her and i hate to admit it but i would ring her or call over to her when i was horney.

You didn't try hard enough to cool it off. The very first moment you realised she had feelings for you was the time to cut contact.


Yes I agree with other posters that we are all to a certain extent, responsible for our own feelings, but if one falls in love with another, then that other is involved and therefore also responsible.

OP, I hope you and the girl involved, have learned from this...

LegacyUser

OP here,

Im not as cold as you all think. We were friends and i enjoyed sex with her but she enjoyed it to.

She is old enough to make up her own mind about who she sleeps with. I did tell her straight there would be no relationship more times than once. There was nothing more i could do. We just arent compatible.

AARRRGH

Splendour wrote: »

if one falls in love with another, then that other is involved and therefore also responsible.

You are saying you are not fully responsible for how you feel. That it's ok to blame someone else for your emotions, as they are "also responsible" for how you feel.

I can't agree with that.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here,

Im not as cold as you all think. We were friends and i enjoyed sex with her but she enjoyed it to.

She is old enough to make up her own mind about who she sleeps with. I did tell her straight there would be no relationship more times than once. There was nothing more i could do. We just arent compatible.

I don't think you should have ignored her. That is a bit disrespectful and cold hearted, but I do think you are blameless for her falling in love with you and continuing to pursue you.

ellie1

ARGGGG, if you had a FB( where it was intially started on the basis of just sex) and they fell in love with you and told you they loved you, would you continue to sleep with him/her?

If the answer is no, then you are totally blameless and shouldnt feel guilty as you discontiued the relationship as the original contract so to speak had changed. That would be the manly thing to do.

If yes, then you must assume some blame because its hardly likely the op turned to the girl after she told him "i love you" (which may have occured before or after sex ) and said " well i dont love you and i am just having no strings attached sex with you?

clones1980

OP was ur relationship strictly sex or did ya other stuff ie go drinking, movies etc.

AARRRGH

ellie1 wrote: »

ARGGGG, if you had a FB( where it was intially started on the basis of just sex) and they fell in love with you and told you they loved you, would you continue to sleep with him/her?

I think if two people make an agreement that it is sex only, then one of the people should not feel guilty if the other person chooses to break the agreement.

I'm assuming the woman said to the OP, "I'm falling in love with you." To which he replied, "It is sex only and will never be anything more than that." She then agreed to continue sleeping with him. He did not force her; she chose to do it!

I don't believe other people should take responsibility for my actions, so if I were the woman in this situation I would be thinking "why did I continue sleeping with him? I knew it would go no where. I am so silly."

She chose to keep sleeping with him, she chose to fall further in love. She could have walked away, but she didn't.

I don't agree with the OP ignoring her though. I think that is childish and cruel.

LegacyUser

Hi clonesbabe

Yes we did other things. We talked most days on the phone, went for drinks together, we lived miles apart so i mite go to her for the weekend or vice versa. I dont see what that has to do with anything though.

PK2008

Mate you used her for sex. She was mad about you and you used that to get free sex whenever you wanted- end of, it aint exactly gentlemanly but you havent murdered anyone so just man up and set her straight.

She learns a lesson and you can get her out of your life- if she doesnt take it well just threaten her with a restraining order- harsh but effective

paperclip2

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi clonesbabe

Yes we did other things. We talked most days on the phone, went for drinks together, we lived miles apart so i mite go to her for the weekend or vice versa. I dont see what that has to do with anything though.

So it wasn't just booty call hook-ups?
If you really didnt want the girl to get attached to you then the minute she said 'I love you' you should have legged it. Thats not about what she wanted, its about what you said you wanted. No strings sex. Her saying or acting 'I love you' means the sex is no longer string free.

Leave her be now I reckon.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes we did other things. We talked most days on the phone, went for drinks together, we lived miles apart so i mite go to her for the weekend or vice versa. I dont see what that has to do with anything though.

Are you sure it was definitely clear you were FBs? Sounds like a a bit more than that to me...

Anyway, who cares if you're in the right or wrong. You should talk to her and try to clear the air. Ignoring her will just make her crazy.

ellie1

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AARRRGH wrote: »

Are you sure it was definitely clear you were FBs? Sounds like a a bit more than that to me...

Anyway, who cares if you're in the right or wrong. You should talk to her and try to clear the air. Ignoring her will just make her crazy.

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Op, clearly you were wrong and you did take advantage and mislead the girl. I would still say you should not contact her simply because it would give her false hope. Let her believe you are cold and heartless as this may be easier for her in trying to get over you and indeed there may be some truth in it.

clones1980

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi clonesbabe

Yes we did other things. We talked most days on the phone, went for drinks together, we lived miles apart so i mite go to her for the weekend or vice versa. I dont see what that has to do with anything though.

If that is the case then you did actually use the girl, if you were allegedly "no strings attached only relationship" why would you lead the girl on by "going for drinks, speaking on the phone most days". FBs dont do that. They text each other when they are horny, meet up to u know what and end off. Leave her alone and let her get over this herself.

LegacyUser

Just forget it mate. No point worrying about it now. The damage so to speak is done. She will meet someone else in time and it will all be forgotten.

Live to learn, its not nice and you wouldnt like someone treating your sister or daughter like that.