My abuser wants to see me

LegacyUser

going unreg for this one. (A couple of boardises might recognise me from this but if you don't mind please leave it if you do, i'll talk to you if/when ready and thanks for your support )

Bit of background info : My parents separated when I was 10. I was the one who actually threw my da out of the house. He was violent and abusive and I was glad he left.

He put my mam through hell afterwards too, left loads of debt and we nearly ended up with no where to live etc, used to ring her up and threaten her and so on. she became pretty bitter cos of this but I don't really blame her. Our relationship is shaky at best but shes a good person.

Me in a nutshell - Until i was about 12 I was quiet as a mouse and wouldn't leave my mams side, she used to treat me as an adult friend and tell me all her troubles, I can see now that this wasnt a healthy thing to do. When I hit 13 I went into full throttle self distruct mode (drink/drugs/sex/selfharming/not going to school/anorexia) and continued till about 22/23, then spent a year horribly depressed, then (so I thought) was getting my sh!t together and getting on with my life.

I have come to realise/admit to myself slowly over the last year or so that everything ive done to myself and people around me is a result of things that happened to me, outside of my control, when i was very small. up until recently id just assumed it was all my fault and i was weird somehow. but im slowly realising that it was not my fault. this as been a huge weight off my mind but i stil have a long way to go.

I really dont want to spell things out but im sure you can guess what i mean. I always suspected my dad but wasnt sure, but if im honest i guess i always knew but didnt want to admit, or accuse someone without solid proof.

back to present day: I love my job, am hardworking, I hope im a nice person, I have a loving partner and amazing friends. People I know now give me **** for being to serious for my age and tell me to chill out more, If only they knew what I used to get up to a few years ago:) basically my point is I figured I'd no right to be harping on about stuff that happened years ago when Im so lucky now. but it was eating away at me, basically ruining my life and my relationship. I went to see a councillor, had two initial consultations and am now on a waiting list for regular therapy. Again another huge step for me.

Sorry for the very long post but basically the reason this has all come to a head today is my brother got a call from a guy yesterday saying that our da is in rehab for drink and gambling and he is his councillor, he wants us to come down for a "family day" to tell our da how he has effected our lives and make him see the error of his ways, part of his therapy apparently. I havent seen or spoken to him in years, I caught a glimpse of him outside court last year when he was trying to sting money out of my mam that she didnt have to give him (story for another day) basically hes a total waster and It makes me sick to be related to him.

Now I don't give a sh!t about him but my brother thinks it might be good for me to confront him. I have mixed feelings on this. I really don't know if it would be of some sort of benefit to have closure or maybe even get some answers or some help remembering so I can get on with my life. I also feel my medical records would be of help as i know I was referred to a doctor repeatedly as a child for a recurring problem which tbh would have been pretty obvious nowadays what the cause of was but for some reason wasnt talked about back then, even though my grandad was suspicious no one listened to him.

So i guess im asking for opinions, should I go and see him? not to help him but for me, to get some answers and try make sense of my mess of a past before it ruins my present completely and my future too? do i owe it to myself to see him before he dies and tell him how hes ruining my life, maybe just seeing him will help me remember and make sense of my flashbacks, nightmares and fears.

anyway, thanks for reading. Ive had some valium (hence the posting name) and tbh i think will just go back to bed now, i cant deal with this today.

thanks.

TwoShedsJackson

Your situation sounds awful but the only person who can decide whether or not to see him is you. Think about it long and hard and try to decide what would be best for you primarily, and think about what your brother and mother may feel.

To be honest he sounds like the sort of **** who's never going to change, and meeting up with him just to tell him he ruined that part of your life will change nothing. If that's what you feel like doing, you may be better to just ignore it and him and get on with your own life - he knows he wrecked that part of your life.

It may better to just get on with your own life now, which it sounds like you have been doing and making a good go of it, but the only one who can decide what course of action to take now is you. Good luck.

Beruthiel

TwoShedsJackson is correct on this I'm afraid.
Do what you think is best for YOU.
What he wants at this stage is irellavent.
Think long and hard about it, I'm pretty sure seeing him will have some effect on you, what sort, I couldn't guess. But you need to be prepared for that.

bluecell99

TwoShedsJackson wrote: »

Your situation sounds awful but the only person who can decide whether or not to see him is you. Think about it long and hard and try to decide what would be best for you primarily, and think about what your brother and mother may feel.

To be honest he sounds like the sort of **** who's never going to change, and meeting up with him just to tell him he ruined that part of your life will change nothing. If that's what you feel like doing, you may be better to just ignore it and him and get on with your own life - he knows he wrecked that part of your life.

It may better to just get on with your own life now, which it sounds like you have been doing and making a good go of it, but the only one who can decide what course of action to take now is you. Good luck.

Great response from this poster and I can only endorse what they say.You have moved on.Do not go into the black hole you have left behind which was created by that monster.You owe him diddly squat.You owe yourself everything.Dont be fooled by any Pauline conversions inspired by some "counsellor".Trust your instincts.Dont go near him

kmick

Sounds like a very suspect idea to me. Seeing as the guy who rang you is leaving you with such a ****ty situation just to help prop up this guys ego why not ring him back, explain the situation aka the abuse and let him decide if its appropriate. My guess would be he will run a mile when he hears. I mean your post leaves me with the feeling you dont even consider this guy a blood relation so why would you want to be there for him?

LegacyUser

you really sound like u have been thru such a hard time. the only advice i would try to offer........is to sit and think on both of ur options........minus the valium of course! see when u think of visiting him, how ur gut reacts...if u feel sick....then prob don't go.......if u are thinkin of visiting him and ur gut says yes or no...then go wit that. make sure what u decide to do is for u and not ur mother or brother, u have enough to deal wit and don't need to be takin on anyone else's sh*t. even if u only want to rant and rave at ur dad at least u will have the opportunity, i would worry bout if he does die and then u beat urself up even more for not telling him how u felt and bad he was to u.
i had a issue a no. of years ago (after my dad's death) about whether or not my brother (who was 7 yrs older than me) had done things to me when i was younger, i was having half memories and was afraid to look at the situation, but as it turned out there was nothing sexual in how he was wit me, just protective older brother stuff, so i was glad i found out..........
I really hope u can figure out which is the best thing for u to do...u need to look after urself first of all, and then if u have to, worry bout other. U've already been thru so much more than most people experience so, it's no wonder u seem so mature, u were forced to become an adult at 13, when u should've been allowed to be a kid.
I hope this might be of some help to u. I wish the best for u
effie

wicklori

Hi OP... Well done on the post I'm sure it was very difficult.
Probably really unfortunate timing. Maybe at some stage in the future when you have done more of your own therapy you might feel it more right for you to face this man.
I totally agree with what previous posters said-do what is right for you. It is likely this man's counsellor does not know the full extent of what went on-as the particular experience you had, as I would imagine they would not be asking you to go to this day if they did.
You make the decision which is right for you. Nothing which happened in the past is your fault-it was a horrific abuse of power and trust. The power now lies with you.

Harris

My initial reaction is "absolutely no way"
However to make sure you are doing the right thing for YOU, maybe wait for one of your counselling sessions and discuss it with them.
Go with your gut feeling.
Thinking of you today.

Xterminator

i disagre with the gut instinct comment. My gut feeling is not to go to the dentist, till im in absolute agony, but that doesnt make it right1

I think you want to avoid a situation where you regret not taking this opportunity , perhaps later in life whne its not possible. If your sure you wont regret it later, grand, ... but if it might be cathartic for you, then perhaps you should consider it.

Its a decision that needs serious thought, not one you should make a snap decison on.

best of luck

x

tbh

since you asked me for my opinion, kinda, then I would say that some day, doing this would be very helpful for you. It's up to you, not your dad, to say when that day is however.

PK2008

Only do what YOU want and what YOU are comfortable with- nobody else

At this stage, you've earned that right

Dizzyblonde

I too think you shouldn't do anything you don't want to. You may or may not want to confront him in the future, but that's your choice.
For now maybe let your brother see him and tell him how bad it was.
Good luck, you've been through a lot and I wish you happiness

LegacyUser

OP here, Thanks everyone for your messages of support.

I really don't feel up to making any sort of decison about this at the moment. For today, I've let work know I won't be coming in and my two best friends are here at home with me. I'm just going to take it easy for today.

Its funny, reading back on my post it hardly seems like I wrote it. I guess im used to taking any situation involving me and this man, putting it away and pretending it didnt happen

My brother has said if I want to go he'll come with me to support me, but wont go himself, he says theres no point as he doesnt feel the need to.

A part of me would like to go down and punch him but what would that achieve?

Anyways, thanks again, I appreciate it, really.

tbh

one way of looking at it is that if the guy is genuine, he'll understand that you're not ready, and he'll accommodate you if you ever do feel ready. He'll understand that your feelings are more important than his. If he's not genuine, better to find out before you talk to him.

AngryBadger

TwoShedsJackson wrote: »

Your situation sounds awful but the only person who can decide whether or not to see him is you. Think about it long and hard and try to decide what would be best for you primarily, and think about what your brother and mother may feel.

To be honest he sounds like the sort of **** who's never going to change, and meeting up with him just to tell him he ruined that part of your life will change nothing. If that's what you feel like doing, you may be better to just ignore it and him and get on with your own life - he knows he wrecked that part of your life.

It may better to just get on with your own life now, which it sounds like you have been doing and making a good go of it, but the only one who can decide what course of action to take now is you. Good luck.

Full credit, excellent advice.

Best of luck OP!

legallybrunette

I completely agree with all that has been said by other posters, the decision to go has to come from you. You should be careful if the reason you want to go is so achieve some sort of closure, you may not get it or even come away with even more questions. It's a difficult choice to make so good luck and whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the peace you want in your new life

LegacyUser

Chicken... I agree with the previous posters that only you can make the decision.

You have taken all the right steps towards getting this sorted out for you by going to the counsellor. If his counsellor hadn't requested this you would carry on to deal with it in your own way and make total progress doing so. I know you, I know you have it in you!!

I agree with the poster who suggested you ring and speak to your fathers counsellor, he may not have any idea of what he is asking of you and I reckon he would more than probably retract his invite immediately if he knew.

Hate to suggest it but what if you confronted him and he denied it? Do you think you could cope with that situation if it happened? There are alot of questions you have to ask yourself to gauge how you truly feel about it before you make your decision chicken. Then make a list of pro's and con's. My guess is there'll be alot more con's...

Love you, Precious xxx

Snowie

hey O-p

congrat's and coming so far and getting your self togeather it take's will hard work and lots of strength, Its important you see that and congrats on the Big step of councilling its hard to make that dession But truly the bigist step in your life...

This is all about you, you've just got your self into a stable enviroment where things are going well all around you, The concern would be that you are angry, that this could effectivly throw you because the raw emotion you feel, you might not be abel to handel now im not saying you would'nt, that would be the biggist concern i can see...

The anger you feel you have every right to feel, but buy dealing with so early it might not be best for you right at this moment in time it does'nt mean you can't deal with it but would it be best at this very minite....

I would say what ever your dession is look after your self!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Chicken... I agree with the previous posters that only you can make the decision.

You have taken all the right steps towards getting this sorted out for you by going to the counsellor. If his counsellor hadn't requested this you would carry on to deal with it in your own way and make total progress doing so. I know you, I know you have it in you!!

I agree with the poster who suggested you ring and speak to your fathers counsellor, he may not have any idea of what he is asking of you and I reckon he would more than probably retract his invite immediately if he knew.

Hate to suggest it but what if you confronted him and he denied it? Do you think you could cope with that situation if it happened? There are alot of questions you have to ask yourself to gauge how you truly feel about it before you make your decision chicken. Then make a list of pro's and con's. My guess is there'll be alot more con's...

Love you, Precious xxx

Thanks Precious, The pro and con list is a good idea, I'll do that. xx

CDfm

i will say put yourself first and only do what you absolutely feel safe with

if i were you i would try to find out more from the councillor

The Sweeper

Perhaps write him a letter?

Give it to your brother. Let your brother read him the letter at the family day. Tell your brother he may not give your father the letter under any circumstances. The letter should be read and then frankly burned so no copy remains.

That way, you get to pass on the reality of your life to the man who affected it so badly, but you still get to move on without having to see him.

You may even find, when you've written the letter, that you'd like to deliver its contents in person.

It's just a suggestion though - and it's very important that if you DO choose to write a letter, that letter is never handed to your father so that he can read and re-read it. That in itself is a destructive process and wouldn't be beneficial to either of you.

LegacyUser

me again

I was in a bad way over this last week but had sorta pushed it to one side and was getting on with things as normal, well I havent been sleeping and stuff but was doing ok.

Then today in work my mobile went and it was the councellor guy calling me direct.

He seemed a nice man, when I said id no interest in helping my dad he asked "well could you help me?" he said he's having trouble trying to figure out his client, I explained that the man is a liar and lives in a fantasy world so that would be why. I said that i realised he had his clients best interests at heart but I wanted no part of it. I explained how we didnt really have a relationship and didnt think id be of any help to him anyway.

He asked would I think about it and i said ok fine, mostly cos I was in work and it wasnt really an appropriate conversation to be having. He managed to get some info out of me and to be honest I wasnt too comfortable with that, but it juist felt sort of heartless to refuse to talk to him when he was so nice, i know, im a complete walkover


And here I am again, Ive just cancelled a rare night out with a friend I hardly see, because all I want to do now is go home and curl up in a ball.

I don't think I can have anything to do with this guy, im putting myself under strain to help a man ive never met help the man who tried to ruin my life, its messed up.

I guess im asking what should i do? He also asked would I email but I agree with what has been said here previously, giving him written ammunition mightnt be a good idea so I said no.

Im being made feel bad cos I dont want to help him.

rant over. thanks boardsies.

LegacyUser

Hey OP


I may get flamed but, from personal experience, I have a very similar situation, only because of family 'ties' I had to grit and bear my teeth and pretend I had no problem with this man for years. I had a lot of surpressed memories from when I was young which only surfaced with a lot of therapy, like you, you can't yet 'remember' them. There is no excuse for what happened if it truly did, no amount of emotional distress the person was in for whatever reason or whatever crux or addiction they blame it on, it is no excuse. My abuser blamed the painkillers (difene) from an injury sustained in the army (falling off a chair) for messing with his head and apparently, according to him thats a logical excuse for years of abuse of a child. You may feel like confronting and trying to work things out will magically fix things, it is a totally pure and reasonable hope,...but honestly, it doesn't work , forgiveness is a precious thing, you can forgive the person, and pity them, like I do, but they do not deserve to have you in their lives in any other way than on the furthest of their periphary vision forever. They lost that right the moment they came near. Your situation sounds hauntingly like mine, especially the self destructive behaviour and the mother/daughter relationship..thats about all I have to say.

thisisme

Sorry numb, I have only seen your post now and couldnt read and not reply.
I really feel councelling is the way to go in your situation. you cant keep pushing your feelings aside the way you have been. they will only fester and destroy the life you have worked so hard to build. Its your choice to make whether you have any contact with your "father" or his counceller not theirs. TBH you dont sound emotionally ready to do so, but as OPs have said its your choice.

Im shocked that his so-called counceller made an unsolicited call to you, it wouldnt take a genius to at least suspect what he put you through and why you want no contact with him. Surely a qualified trained person would consider the impact that would have on the victim. Looking for information like that by phone (or at all) is totally unprofessional. Did he say what organisation he is with? maybe im wrong but it rings serious alarm bells with me. how did he get your number? Id think about changing my mobile, the last thing you need is this guy ringing you and upsetting you further.
DO NOT feel guilty for not helping him, in fact I question whether he is who he says he is.....
Please take care of yourself and get the help and support you know you need.

Slutmonkey57b

thisisme is correct, I would be extremely suspicious of a councellor that called you direct at work and pressured you like that.

I would not go anywhere near the situation without having some proper therapy under your belt and I would certainly not answer the phone to this councellor again. Do not correspond with him. Tell your brother that he has contacted you and to forward a message that you consider the contact harrassment.

The Sweeper

OP, is there anyone you can put your trust in who will phone this counsellor and frankly tear them a new one?

A properly trained counsellor should never, ever badger and pester a victim just to score brownie points on a case of their own.

axer

You cannot deal with such a situation unless you have professional help to fall back on - it would be too much for anyone.

You will need to tell the counsellor not to contact you again if he contacts you. Make it clear then end communication.

Dannyboy83

That *couciller* showed complete disregard for you!!
You need to block his/her phone and tell your brother.

To be honest, this whole affair is crazy.
You were doing grand until this all popped up.
Seeing that langer isn't going to help you at all.

You'll go there expecting an apology and hes going to be as bad as ever, hes a selfish lowlife fcukhouse.
You don't ever know how you'll react.
Why are you putting yourself through this girl?

I think its time you started being a little bit selfish yourself and concentrate on you and your boyfriend and what makes you happy.

This scumbag is never going to change and you know that.
Give yourself a few years to mature and if you still want to then, you can confront him.

Best of Luck.

CDfm

I understand how you are thinking.

Its one of those things you feel you are getting sucked into that you want to avoid. You probably are best just saying to the councellor that you broke of contact for your reasons and making decision whether or not to tell your Dad in person.

If this is your final word on the matter bring a friend and do it in person.Dont let it run like a festering sore.

Snowie

The fact that the councillor rang you is quite a disturbing thing he should be respecting the fact that you don't want to be involved, you have every right not to be.

Don't allow him to phone you again it's absolutely disgraceful, he using manipulation tactic's,making you feel guilty. Don't allow your self to feel guilty if he rings again say I don't care end of story hang up...

He's pushing to help his client and not taking your situation into account because he possibly doesn't know, the fact that he's admitted having trouble figuring out the client says a lot to, almost to the point that the client would appear to be dodging part's of his past......
An option would be to email him, and quite bluntly refuse to have any contact with the councillor or his client... That Under no circumstance's, you want to be involved and make that very clear. Then switch is email to spam...

I think if you can come on here write what you wrote on board's, that shows a huge amount of strength, and I'd like to remind you, that you are an incredibly strong and brave person.

LegacyUser

Hi Op - likewise I'm logging out for this one.
Background synopsis:
Emotionally & Psychically abusive male 'parent' who suffers from severe depression and alcoholism. Couple this with a brave and protective female parent who unfortunately was not intellectually equipped to deal with the ongoing abusive situation = mixed feelings to wards mom (but mostly admiration mixed with pity for a persons potential lost due to another).
I'm 35 now and doing great - job/study/lifestyle/travel/friends..etc.
There is no point in going into the in's and out's of what my 'father' did or why...... suffice to make two points:
1) Each of us must be held responsible for our actions.
2) Just because one human being partakes in making another does not guarantee that that person has rights over their co-creation (this is such an important point). A father/mother has responsibilities to wards their child - they do not have rights; rights to be abusive/imature/ignorant/childish..etc. They have responsibilities to be tender/kind/intelligent/thoughtful/loving..etc.
With this said, my mom left my 'father' after 30 years of marriage because he became so abusive. This brought the situation to a head - a year after this he went to a councilor and began to sort through his stuff (during this time I remained in contact with him - a very uneasy contact that was kept up for my benefit).
He contacted me one day to request that we meet up and I complied. He was vulnerable and realistic.... rediscovering how to talk about how he had an abusive childhood... he cried and I gave him a big hug.
But remember, I was there for me not for him - the damage to our relationship was done and believe me it is considerable. I had feared and pitied this man for 20 - 30 years.
After the hug, I sat him down and explained how I was genuinely happy that he was making personal progress and that I held no bitterness to wards him - but that I did not want a 'father - son' relationship with him as I could never make myself that vulnerable again in an act of trust with him.
It took me some time to realize how important that meeting was to my self empowerment - I had sat across from someone who I feared, to the point of my heart nearly jumping out of my chest when he would come home drunk and in a 'mood,' and I had taken back that power that he illegitimately had held over me.
It's now 5 years since this meeting and he has returned to alcohol on/off and on our last meeting (2 years ago) he made my ex cry by recounting one of his 'disciplinary' acts of violence during a chance encounter on his first meeting with her = nice guy!
As a consequence I made a decision to cut him from my life and I haven't spoken to him since - I try to keep the assholes in my life to a minimum (by the way I have several friends who coincidentally have come from extremely abusive background and when we meet we joke about it and genuinely have a good laugh about it - I guess this is due to where we are in our respective lives and being comfortable).
In conclusion OP - My life as it is now is full of possibilities and I have genuine enthusiasm for life and I attribute a large part of this to the fact that I was able to empower myself in the face of this man; not by looking to him to resolve the hurt he caused but by being a much,much bigger person if the face of this person who made a child by mistake, was not equipped to be a parent and had was not fit to show love to others as he hated himself.
OP - for what it's worth you have to make the distinction between what you want this person to be and to see this person for what he is. When you have done that, and you may have reached that point already, if you feel ready stand in front of this person and show them that you are a broad minded, intelligent, sensitive, understanding and loving woman who knows her own value and I hope you may find the empowerment that has set me free.
My heart goes out to you and if I thought I could help I would but this has to be a solo mission. Btw, if you have good friends keep them close to you and don't be fooled by the sentiment of the above advice - I too have my moments of doubt and confusion but they are gradually receding into the background.
Big Hug.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. It helps

The councellor called my mobile from a blocked number, I assume he got it from my dad.

The other phone rang so I had to take his number and call him back at the clinic so I know he is who he says he is. He also gave me his work email, I checked out the website and it all checks out.

Frankly I don't see why I should have to change my number to suit them so I wont be doing that, plus he'd probably turn up on my doorstep if he wanted something and couldn't get through. He doesn't know where I live but knows where I work, he arrived up there before about two years ago knowing that I couldn't kick him out in from of clients.

In answer to Dannyboy83's question "why are you doing this to yourself?" I don't feel this is my doing at all to be honest. I don't *want* a stupid phone call or mention of someone to effect me like this, but it does. I can't help it. It's outside my control. However I will call him back tomorrow and tell him never to contact me again under any circumstances. I was going to email but I dont really want them having my email address, im not sure.

I do agree it was pretty unprofessional though, I definitely didnt need it.

thanks again for reading.

strongbluebell

[ I was going to email but I dont really want them having my email address, im not sure.
quote]


How about setting up another email address through hotmail, yahoo etc and never using it again after this one. A lot less stressful than a phone call and you will also have a record if you have to make a complaint.

Slutmonkey57b

totallynumb wrote: »

The councellor called my mobile from a blocked number, I assume he got it from my dad.

The other phone rang so I had to take his number and call him back at the clinic so I know he is who he says he is. He also gave me his work email, I checked out the website and it all checks out.
...

He doesn't know where I live but knows where I work, he arrived up there before about two years ago knowing that I couldn't kick him out in from of clients.

IF

this guy is a genuine councellor, he belongs to a professional body. Report him. Find out who runs the clinic and report his behaviour. File a complaint with the gardai about the harrassment.

I doubt he is. A professional would never call you from a blocked number. They would never pressure you over the phone. They would NEVER turn up at your workplace and air ANY kind of personal business in front of people.

Whoever this guy is, he's of no help to you and if you ever do sit in a room with your father again to confront him, the person involved in the mediation needs to be able to protect you from what will get dragged up. Clearly this man is not that person. Do not have anything to do with him, and take steps against him. This is manipulative abusive behaviour on his part.

LegacyUser

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

IF

this guy is a genuine councellor, he belongs to a professional body. Report him. Find out who runs the clinic and report his behaviour. File a complaint with the gardai about the harrassment.

I doubt he is. A professional would never call you from a blocked number. They would never pressure you over the phone. They would NEVER turn up at your workplace and air ANY kind of personal business in front of people.

SOrry just to clarify, My dad turned up at my work, not the councelor.

My only contact with his councellor was the phonecall and he made a call last week to my brother too.

On the blocked number thing, my own councellor always calls from a blocked number, its to protect their clients privacy they said

I will be writing/calling the clinic to complain though as i agree the nature of the phonecall was out of line.

Gemini Sister

OP.

Give your da a go.

You may not (probably won't) like what you discover but unfortunately you are related to this dude. Bring a pinch of salt with you. Don't expect much. But he is really yours whether you like it or not.

Not everyone has the chance to discover their da. Usually with good reason - but thats your call - not anyone elses'!!!!

You're not a kid, nothing can hurt you about him. Wish I could've discovred my da for better or worse....

CDfm

Gemini made me think on this a bit.

Im a divorced Dad and my kids are younger than you.

Marriage breakdown is nasty and emotions run wild and some people dont stop ever.

From what I read when your Dad is mentioned you lock up and feel awful and have concelling about the relationship. He is in councelling too. So that means you both are affected.

You feel like a scared 10 year old and if he shows up you expect the behavior you saw as a child. I may be wrong but it seems to me that as a 10 year old you were dragged into the adult world of marriage breakdown .You say you were abused - I always think sexual when I see the abuse word - but you havent mentioned it- so I assume not and that its emotional.

( i think its called child protector something or other and you havent quite escaped it and I dont know but at that age my daughter was conning me that she still believed in Santa. It could be that the responibility placed on you was not appropriateas you were a child)

Now I dont know why your father is in treatment and really you dont either - just say on top of his problems he has a mental illness like bi-polar which could contribute to his problems then it could account for some of his behaviour especially if he has an addiction. That is not uncommon.

Now lets say lets say your Dad is told that as part of his treatment he must change his behavior and apologise he feels he must so that explains the calls.

You on the other hand need to get on with life and your life needs integrity.(well you go to counselling).

You cant change the past but what you can do is draw a line behind it. REhashing it and reliving it is like picking running sores.If you are a child protector you need to abandon that.

You may go and tell him go to hell which wont do any good. What you could say to the councellor is something like this.Tell him that getting treatment is a step in the right direction and that you havent made up your mind whether to see him yet but that the answer will be a definate no if he doesn't do and continue treatment. You might also say that you dont want to rehash the past and his future behavior will top the priority list -like not contacting you at work being a biggie. The temptation would be to put in conditions especially in respect of unresolved financial issues with your Mum but thats one issue to tell both of them you dont want to be involved in as its none of your business.Use it to build walls if thats whats best for you.

I have a relative that sounds very like your Dad and I havent heard from him in a few months now.Happy days.

Skinfull

Yeah thats like you wrote my story there. I went through this a few years ago (initially...still going through it)

You're only concern should be whats best for you. I got bogged down trying to please everyone else and making sure they wouldnt get hurt. Feck that. This is a time in your life wen you HAVE to be a mé féiner! Nothing else matters.
Good luck.

smiley09xx

this is a very touching story, and i am so sorry you had to go through these many years of torment. like many have said before myself, stating the obvious the decision is entirely yours, so dont feel pushed either way. i suppose what you need to ask yourself is will you get anything from this confrontation? are there many things you have pictured yourself saying to him, anything you wanted to say all those years ago?? if not i dont see any point, but if u do it could be the final closure you may need.

CDfm

OP -did you do anything in the end?

LegacyUser

a lot of assumption going on here. hes in councilling for alcohol addiction.

It was sexual emotional and physical abuse. he sliced my mams are open with a knife at one stage.

Still think I should "give him a go?"

rhetorical question by the way.

Heineken Helen

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

The fact that the councillor rang you is quite a disturbing thing he should be respecting the fact that you don't want to be involved, you have every right not to be.

Don't allow him to phone you again it's absolutely disgraceful, he using manipulation tactic's,making you feel guilty. Don't allow your self to feel guilty if he rings again say I don't care end of story hang up...

He's pushing to help his client and not taking your situation into account because he possibly doesn't know, the fact that he's admitted having trouble figuring out the client says a lot to, almost to the point that the client would appear to be dodging part's of his past......
An option would be to email him, and quite bluntly refuse to have any contact with the councillor or his client... That Under no circumstance's, you want to be involved and make that very clear. Then switch is email to spam...

I think if you can come on here write what you wrote on board's, that shows a huge amount of strength, and I'd like to remind you, that you are an incredibly strong and brave person.

Agreed completely... sounds like the councillor isn't even doing it in the op's dad's best interests... but in his own... for HIM to figure out his 'client' (strange word to use). If I were you op, I'd ask my brother to contact this guy and tell him never to contact you again, that if you ever decide you want contact, you will initiate this and any attempt from him to contact you will be treated as harassment.

As for the whole thing, I've something similar... nowhere near as bad as yours... but I've never been tempted to say all my feelings cos I don't think that person will ever understand them and it won't be beneficial to me. It's still entirely up to you but I think you need professional help yourself to deal with this:o

Good luck though... and don't be bullied into ANYTHING. I'd even report that guy for contacting you... completely unprofessional.

CDfm

totallynumb wrote: »

a lot of assumption going on here. hes in councilling for alcohol addiction.

It was sexual emotional and physical abuse. he sliced my mams are open with a knife at one stage.

Still think I should "give him a go?"

rhetorical question by the way.

Wow -sorry OP.

If you were sexually abused he goes on the banned list. I wouldnt forgive and neither would my hurley. My views on child abusers are hang em and let God sort them out.

I still do think your mothers problems are her own really and it must feel awful to be dragged into it - f*** those memories are ones you want to dim for sure.

If your Dad had been in therapy for substance abuse only or for a mental illness I stick with what I said. But your situation is totally different and I understand how devious people like that can be.

Heineken Helen

totallynumb wrote: »

a lot of assumption going on here. hes in councilling for alcohol addiction.

It was sexual emotional and physical abuse. he sliced my mams are open with a knife at one stage.

Still think I should "give him a go?"

rhetorical question by the way.

I guess I've had a lot more time to think about this than the situation you've been put in. I had people say the usual 'but it's your blood' :rolleyes: it really doesn't matter... like somebody said they have responsibilities but no rights when it comes to you. Every step I've taken has been in MY best interests and not cos anybody said anything to me... and I've had a lot of people trying to pressure me to go one way or the other. I actually DID make a couple of attempts to leave things in the past... and I'd always end up frustrated and infuriated so now I have no contact whatsoever. The one thing I base my decisions on is 'when that person dies, will I be able to cope or will I have a complete meltdown?'. It may be beneficial for you to have ONE contact to say you've done it... but it may not and that's entirely up to you and we're all different and every case is different... but my conscience is clear and further contact has affirmed that. Do what's good for you... but think long term but only think about you.