smashey's food critique thread.

smashey

I was watching something on TV yesterday and there were a few food critics on it. That got me thinking - wow, what a job but then I listened to them and one word kept coming into my head.

Pompous.

Anyway, I think we should have a critique thread here. Post some food or other and I will do the rest. Be careful now as some foods might just be met with a big *nyom* while some could be met with a huge *smack*

And, as this is BGRH, use yore imaginations.

Tom Dunne

Sausage.

Is there any finer food? Take all the best bits of pork, throw them away, and make the remainder into a long cylinder. Add in some, em, stuff, to make it smell nice.

Heaven.

Curry.

Is there any finer sauce? Take all, um, curry stuff, put them in a pot, stew them up, and there you have it. The condiment of the gods.

In Germany, they take these two very different foodstuffs and combine them into an ethnically diverse concoction that would bring a Brother to tears. There is no describing the taste of curried sausage. It's like a German snowplough, driven by an Indian immigrant, holding a pig, performing handbrake turns on your tongue.

smashey

Point of order here Mr. Dunne.

You seem to have missed the concept of this thread - I am the critic here.:cool:

Bring forth your gastronormic offerings and I will do the rest.

kthxbye

justsomebloke

home made burgers (i.e. so you can make them as big as you want)

jim o doom

PIE

So versatile it can contain many meats, be topped with cheesy potato - filled with fat and grease, fills you and energises you and satisfies you. What more could you want other than a good fresh pie.

Personal recommendation - the pies from that gallic kitchen place in D8. oh yeah. Duck pie with cheesy potato top - steak pie - lamb pie.. *shiver*

robtri

May I suggest for your taste buds, stuffed camel, this is a proper dish and has everything...i have just made one change for your taste...

1 whole camel, medium size
1 whole pig, med size and tender
20 whole chickens, medium size
60 eggs
12 kilos rice
2 kilos pine nuts
2 kilos almonds
1 kilo pistachio nuts
110 gallons water
5 pounds black pepper
Salt to taste

[SIZE=+1]Directions[/SIZE]

Skin, trim and clean camel (once you get over the hump), pig and chicken.
Boil until tender.
Cook rice until fluffy.
Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice.
Hard boil eggs and peel.
Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice.
Stuff the cooked pig with stuffed chickens.
Add more rice.
Stuff the camel with the stuffed pig and add rest of rice.
Broil over large charcoal pit until brown.
Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice.

Zaph

Brother smashey, I would like to hear what you have to say about the humble battered sausage.

jim o doom

robtri wrote: »

May I suggest for your taste buds, stuffed camel, this is a proper dish and has everything...i have just made one change

Hmm interesting - as an addendum to my pie post - I put forth that this be considered a special sort of pie with the camel replacing the pastry..

trout

smashey

You all fail at this concept except elder brother trout who understands how things work.

trout wrote: »

I was presented with this burger as my starter in Yore Ma's last week and on first impression I was really impressed. Plenty of stodgy carbohydrates wrapped around an impressive beef patty. The bap was just right with the correct mix of slightly crispy exterior and a sponge like interior which absorbed the meat juices without making it go soggy.

The meat was done to perfection with the juices oozing out when bitten into. It was well seasoned with just a hint of spice.

However, when biting into the burger, I was aghast at finding some weird green stuff that only served as ammunition for target practice as I spat it towards the spitoon. And then much to my utter disbelief, there lurked cheese under the meat. If I had wanted a cheeseburger, I would have asked for one.

All in all, after the initial elation at the presentation, I was sorely disappointed.

4/10

jester77

Not bad Smashey, but you need pics, maybe even a video... sort of like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbKRSYAuSNg

Gaspode

feylya

jester77 wrote: »

Not bad Smashey, but you need pics, maybe even a video... sort of like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbKRSYAuSNg

Location of the next BGRH beers?

smashey

Gaspode wrote: »

Sometimes in this profession, we lose the run of ourselves and mistakenly give food a God-like status or even consider it orgasmic when the truth is, it's all about sustinence.

Not on this occasion.

I recently visited Mad O' Rourkes pie factory and ordered this unique "Cow Pie". Each pie is baked to order and there is a huge choice of fillings. Being the traditional type, I ordered steak and kidney.

Service was prompt and friendly and my pie arrived within ten minutes. The first thing one notices about these pies is that they are, by some distance, the biggest pies you're ever likely to encounter. Oh, that and the two horns protruding somewhat phallus-like from the main body of the pie. These horns are simply puff pastry and have a purpose - one can break them off and dip them into the pie itself. Ahhh, the pie. What can I say? Perfection. From the perfectly cooked steak chunks to the delicious kidney soaking up the rich gravy, this is satisfaction on a plate. All washed down with a pint of local real ale.

It would be a foolish man who left this establishment in a state of hunger and without that contented look on his face that only food this good can provide.

Heavenly indeed.

10/10

jester77

feylya wrote: »

Location of the next BGRH beers?

Would be cheap if you are a true brother!

trout

Tom Dunne

Fried egg sandwich.

Over to you, Brother smashey.

trout

HarryPalmer

Anything whatsoever, so long as it is food and not what food eats, covered in Chili. Critique, please.

smashey

trout wrote: »

Road trip.

The weather was fine and it was decided a road trip was in order. So, we set off in the banger without a thought of where we were going or what we would do. One mile soon became ten, ten became 50 and fifty became one hundred. It's at this stage that the auld body starts sending signals and making all kinds of weird noises. The need to eat is only superseded by the need to relieve oneself . And it was just as the urges were getting too strong to ignore that we arrived in this quaint little town full of old victorian buildings and a lovely manicured park in the middle of it.

We parked up and my radar instantly locked on a food outlet from whence the smell of freshly baked bread was all consuming. So, like the bisto kids from those television ads when we were chldren, we followed our noses to the source of the bread. The establishment was very tidy and well laid out and the toilets were quickly found and the relief was only awesome. So, with an empty bladder and hands washed we perused the menu.

Ooooohhhh, what a menu. This place was a bastion of modernism hidden away in the aforementioned quaint old town and the main fare on offer was subs. Being ever so slightly fond of my food, I chose the "Claude Hopper" sub, named after a long forgotten character from "The Dandy" comic with unfeasibly huge feet. It soon became apparent why it was named after him. The Claude Hopper sub could be used as skis, such was the length of it.

Anyway, onto the sub itself. As most of you know, I'm not a fan of green stuff/vegetables in my food but in this instance, it worked. A huge big sub, fresh from the oven sliced down the middle and smothered in creamy mayonnaise, with a layer of iceberg lettuce under a layer of perfect smoked ham folded neatly. This was topped with some nicely sliced tomatoes and a layer of coleslaw that was just right in that it didn't overpower everything below it. All served with the biggest mug of tea I've ever seen.

Satisfaction has never been so seemingly simple although, I'm sure the sheer volume of food consumed helped on that score.

If this was a real sub, it would it would entice Captain Ramius away from The Red October.

10/10

trout

smashey

Al O'Peica wrote: »

Fried egg sandwich.

Over to you, Brother smashey.

trout wrote: »

Simple times.

A normal Sunday morning in the smashey household and the effects of the night before are taking a firm hold. As is normal in these circumstances, smashey rolls out of bed and stumbles to the couch, sky remote in one hand, panadol in the other. The panadol are forced down and no matter what Sky has to offer, a snooze is never far away. But wait, hangovers have another effect on smashey - the desire to eat absolutely everything in the fridge.

And so with great difficulty, I dragged myself to the kitchen in eager anticipation of the fine fare hidden behind the fridge door. And then the shock of reality hit. The fridge contained nothing but two eggs, butter, milk and a six-pack of heineken. So, as far as food goes, my options were limited. A quick peek in the bread bin revealed half a loaf. This was not what I had in mind at all - I was thinking more along the lines of different cuts of pig fried up and stuffed between a few bits of bread. Anyway, needs must, so out came the friyng pan and my emergency stash of good old fashioned lard.

A good sized lump of lard was melted in the frying pan and the when the melted lard reached a depth of approximately one centimetre, the eggs were added and great care was taken not to burst the yolk. While the eggs were frying, every square millimetre of the bread was lovingly covered in the finest Irish butter. The eggs sizzled nicely and it was time to turn them. The act of turning them is purely to seal then as I like the yolks runny but not overly so. And so after what seemed like an eternity due to my growling stomach, but in reality was only a couple of minutes, the eggs were lifted delicately from the frying pan and placed centrally on a slice of bread and a little bit of salt added. The other slice of bread was put on top an patted down - just gently enough not to burst the egg.

And then it was back to the couch. I reached for the sandwich and bit it in the way a vampire might gently bite a virgin's pale neck. By this stage, the lard had soaked into the bread giving the bread a lovely flavour and I tasted the salt. What followed was what having eggs in a sandwich is all about - my teeth pierced the yolk and the sensation of the runny yolk in my mouth put me at ease with the world again. Some of it managed to dribble down my chin but this was quickly sorted with a smooth flick of the toungue before it congealed. Five minutes of bliss followed where every mouthful just seemed to get better and better.

And then it was over. Bear Grylls was on Sky and he was eating some egg he found in the wild. At that moment we were kindred spirits.

Normally for food of such meagre proportions, I would mark it accordingly. Not this time. The perfect food at the right time.

10/10

smashey

smashey wrote: »

Be careful now as some foods might just be met with a big *nyom* while some could be met with a huge *smack*

trout wrote: »

*smack*

trout

trout

trout

jester77

trout wrote: »

I know that brekkie, and if I'm not mistaken and I'm almost sure I am not it would be the Kihei Caffe in Mauei. Awesome food, if anyone is ever in Mauei then check it out! Big burly loud guy called Barry runs it, sound guy.