Love/Work nightmare

LegacyUser

This situation is breaking my heart and wrecking my head at the same time.
I am the boss/owner at work. I left my wife and kids because I started going out with a junior member of staff (7 years younger). This was 8 years ago. Over the years we got on great, moved in together and she gained my complete trust and utter love so that she moved all the way up the work ladder until she is now second in command. We became pregnant and sorrowfully miscarried. Things went downhill from there. Arguements , blame, our families etc. She asked me to leave "for a while until she got her head together" and this "while" grew into a year. All this time I wanted to make up.
A month ago, by accident, I found her in bed with the most junior member of staff, a guy half her age(18).
Her friends and family say she still loves me and I believe them (just!).
Business is poor, recession and all that. Concentration on work is paramount. She is more important to the business than me now as I had diversified.
Since Xmas, staff has been reduced and I have to take a very active role in work. We have to work almost hand in hand. She is reluctant to get back and is living her own life. i am waiting for her. I will find it hell when she starts dating someone. Being "friends" for life would be like Guantanamo Bay.
I love her with all my heart and it is so hard to be with her at work every day and not have the same relationship. I probably am smothering her but I cant bloody well help it. I am also probably driving her farther away.
I cannot see a way out bar something drastic which wouold be madness. (ie closing up, leaving it all to her, or committing myself - I get very,very little sleep since her dalliance)
What Oh what can I do?

Jimmy Bottlehead

why can't you start living the single life again? Waiting for someone makes you look slightly pathetic and needy... which ain't attractive.

Joey the lips

I agree with the above as hard as it sounds make yourself look independent of this women and start living a single life. The problem is if it works you may have to ask the reasons why.

You are in a very difficult situation and its for this reason employment law was created. I really pity your situation. I get the feeling at the back of it you want this girl out of your way but this legally cant happen. We dont know her circumstances so can only judge based on your comment.

Have you suggested councilling were your there for her. If so its all just gone wrong.

The best you can hope for is make yourself seem independent and hope this attracts her back to you.

Gyalist

What Oh what can I do?

You can start being a man.

I am the boss/owner at work. I left my wife and kids because I started going out with a junior member of staff (7 years younger). This was 8 years ago. Over the years we got on great, moved in together and she gained my complete trust and utter love so that she moved all the way up the work ladder until she is now second in command. We became pregnant and sorrowfully miscarried.

Hold it right there. "We became pregnant?" - wtf is that? I'm all for one partner being empathetic towards the other but that statement reveals a lot about the relationship. Contrary to what you may have read in Cosmo and all other women's magazines, women are not attracted to pussified men. They may say that they are looking for a "sensitive, new-man" type but in reality they don't get wet for them. It's clear that you ex suffered a catastrophic loss of attraction towards you and I'd be willing to bet that your behaviour had a significant part to play in that.

Things went downhill from there. Arguements , blame, our families etc. She asked me to leave "for a while until she got her head together" and this "while" grew into a year. All this time I wanted to make up.

I am assuming that you left the home so that she could "get her head together". Who pays for the home?

A month ago, by accident, I found her in bed with the most junior member of staff, a guy half her age(18).

I hope that he is now a former member of staff, if not, why? It's not surprising to me that she'd do this. In her eyes you are solely her Provider but she's not attracted to you so she finds herself a Lover. What's surprising though is her lack of discretion that she'd allow herself to be in a position where she could be caught. Maybe she wanted you to catch her.

Her friends and family say she still loves me and I believe them (just!).

Well, they would say that, wouldn't they? I'd bet that they have an interest in the gravy train remaining on the track.

You may not want to hear this but it has to be said:
She has long since lost any attraction to you. At this stage you are just being used.
I understand that because you originally left your wife and kids that you have a big emotional investment in making this relationship work, but this woman is clearly telling you through her actions that she has no respect for you. Not only that, but through her dalliance at work she is sabotaging your material interests. You need to get rid of her from the workplace. It's a buyer's market at the moment in terms of finding good staff. No one is irreplaceable. You could easily find someone equally as good as her or even better at the job.

It's time to play hardball. Get rid of both her and her lover from the workplace. If you are still paying for the upkeep of the home you once shared you need to stop that immediately. If you are the owner, chuck her out and change the locks. Most of all you need proper legal advice.

You also need to accept that this relationship is over and stop harbouring hopes for a future with this woman.

Oh The Humanity

^^ +1 to Gyalist.

OP, hard to be respectful to a man thats acting like ....sorry I cant really think of a softer way to put it....a sap!

Will ya cop on to yourself, she is mugging you off bigtime and you are letting her. You let her sleep her way to the top or 2nd in command as you put it. Course you're gonna say it was her hard work, and maybe even you believe that but you sound like you have totally lost objectivity.

Agree with Gyalist also on the "we were pregnant" comment btw I just cringe when I hear that expression too, it smacks of a man whose lost his essential manliness and I dunno about other women but I dont like that.

Be a man, show her the door, show him the door, call it cost cutting or whatever you like.

Stop being a meal ticket and a cuckold.

Bam33

I really feel for you. This is a very hard situation.

I personallt think you should stop asking her to get back with you. You need to get out and start living a little again. You do not need to et out and meet another woman just get out a bit and get yourself together.

There are two possibilities here:

1. As the previous poster mentioned she is living off you and does not deserve you but I think this unlikely if she has stuck with you for the last 8 years. I dont think any woman would hang around for 8 years just for the cash.

2. She has been deeply affected by the loss of the baby. She may be dealing with this in a destructive way (sleeping with other people -pushing loved ones away).

In eaither case i tihnk you need to get your life back on track and realise you can be there for her but smothering her will certainly push her away.

Perhaps you could leave her alone for the next 2-3 weeks and when you have pulled yourself together a bit more you could ask her to go for a meal to discuss things. Do not come onto her at this stage - just tell her how you feel and try to discover if there is any hope for the both of you.

If all is lost you must then leave her alone - working together will not work in this situation - I would not suggest you leave I think at that stage she should be the one to go.

I hope thisi s of some help to you.

LegacyUser

A few answers and clarifications:
Gyalist, firstly, thanks for taking the time to think and reply to my query. I would like to assure you that I am happy that I am acting like a real man.
I fathered the child on purpose and was there when it self aborted. It was a joint effort to bring a new child into the world and while I may have used limp lingo to explain this it was because I wanted to use sparse words to say that it was not an accident.
She paid for her home before I met her and has done on her own since we parted. I contributed generously while I was there.
He is a very former member of staff. He was sacked there and then, warned of mortal danger and took a one way plane ticket out of Ireland.
Maybe she did want me catch her. Good point, she could have avoided it in hindsight, she certainly got a strong reaction. I had been beginning to live more of a singles' life and this stopped me in my tracks. This really made me realise how much I loved her.
Her friends and family do not materially benefit in any significant way from this relationship.
I certainly have considered that she may not be attracted to me physically, but she was, very much so, but I am sure that these feelings are able to be raised again.
She has invested a large amount of her personal funds in to the business at dubious risk and yes she could lose them if she left, but she did invest this after we parted. I dont think shes there for the cash. She is also very, very good at her job - I would not have been interested in her if she was not that calibre.
I could walk away, but I have had enoough 80% relationships to know 100% when I see it. I am neitheir too ashamed nor too proud not to turn the other cheek to make it work (however I have only 2 cheeks!).
Bam, I dont think its the cash for above reasons. She has been deeply affected by the loss of the baby, only now am I realising how much.
I know its good advice to leave her alone for a while but look what she did when I did. I have to act, maybe I will leave it for a few weeks- its worth a try.
I know that we cant work together if we have no future, its only in the soap operas that this works.
Ultimately, I would love if she would go to counselling with me but she wont (at this stage), I think that she is afraid of facing the truth about us. Its easier to stick her head in the sand and pretend its not really happening. Anyone have any ideas how to broach this subject again without seeming like a control freak?