Guy says "There's no-one else but you, just not right now"

YoungFolks

hey chix,

just looking for advice for how to get by when your boyf of a couple years tells you he knows he will marry you one day an that you are deff the only one for him but that right now,he needs to "sort himself out"-you know that line right!!
honestly i do believe him but what if he finds someone better?i dont think any girl is confident enough to think she can let her man go for a couple of months an think theres no chance he'll find someone hotter or funnier or sexier!!!

no offence but i have heard all the "if its meant to be it will be"stuff so please dont post any of that!!

im a practical woman and logic works well..were still hangin out maybe once a week or so,so the break ups pretty relaxed if ya get me...

if anyone can think of something that can put my mind at ease?mission impossible??

Dragan

You're a practical and logical woman who is trying to figure out a way to get her ex boyfriend to marry her?

Or am i missing a couple of pages of the script here?

allabouteve

YoungFolks wrote: »

hey chix,

just looking for advice for how to get by when your boyf of a couple years tells you he knows he will marry you one day an that you are deff the only one for him but that right now,he needs to "sort himself out"-you know that line right!!
honestly i do believe him but what if he finds someone better?i dont think any girl is confident enough to think she can let her man go for a couple of months an think theres no chance he'll find someone hotter or funnier or sexier!!!

no offence but i have heard all the "if its meant to be it will be"stuff so please dont post any of that!!

im a practical woman and logic works well..were still hangin out maybe once a week or so,so the break ups pretty relaxed if ya get me...

if anyone can think of something that can put my mind at ease?mission impossible??

1. He says he will marry you ''one day''
2. He wants time to ''sort himself out''
3. You are anxious he'll find a replacement.
4. You consider the breakup 'relaxed'

Apply said logic to above and come to your own conclusion?

My take:
He's unsure, you're insecure, you've broken up.
Proceed with caution.

Vegeta

I read this as:

Your BF: "I want to sleep with other people/break up but don't have the spine to do it outright"

You don't take a break from the girl you want to marry. I know I wouldn't

g'em

Moved from tLL

YoungFolks

not exactly..he gave me the "i need my own space etc"thing and basically hes messing with my head..ringing and texting,then when we meet up an have had a few drinks he goes kinda nuts+picks fights..he wants his own space and im happy to give it,but then were best mates too which complicates stuff even more,i have some health stuff going on at the mo and hes the only one truly who i can talk to about that....

i do not want to marry him right now btw!i was just pointing out things he says an does dont always make sense!he wants me to be there for him,and vice versa,but then it turns into "oh but were broken up,"

i have say one good female friend the rest are all acquaintences(spelling sorry)or lads,and im not good at talking,full stop,to people about our situation..i just feel confused about his mixed signals

Weidii

Who's to say that the issues that are causing him to want some freedom now won't crop up again down the line?

If I were you I'd ask him to either respect the relationship or to find someone else.

Sinall

It sounds to me like he wants to be broken up permanently but has added in the "one day" lines etc to soften the blow. And also to give himself a way back in if he changes his mind.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to. Don't hang around hoping, chances are you will both move on. I know it must be hard as after a long time together you are bound to be close friends and it's difficult to change that habit but spending a lot of time together probably won't help you in the long run.

Mr. Frost

I was that guy before. I don't think he knows what he wants and like the previous poster said, he's giving himself a way back in if he changes his mind. In my experience I hadn't broken up with the person but, wanted to, then we did.

YoungFolks

Sinal..
you may be right but what do you do when thats the only thing thats keeping us from losing our minds??weve lived together for a long time too,its not a first love or any of that rite of passage heartbreak crap either...

im not the girl in the dark here,despite how it looks.im not bein led along either,to soften the blow.maybe i sound sad and niave etc,but we all know that feeling.and this isnt it.its differrent.

YoungFolks

Mr Frost i would love to spend a day poking around your mind..

petes

Are the pair of you still having sex when you meet every week?

cantdecide

A close friend had your EXACT same position and she broke up with him at great cost to her emotional wellbeing. Now that time has passed, she doesn't regret doing it. She knew it was better for her self respect.

At best, he's confused/ doesn't know how good he has it. At worst, he's taking the p*ss. I think either way, there's only one way of finding out.

Sinall

The end of any relationship is going to be difficult and you will be sad and feel lonely. Sometimes you will just wish really hard that things could go back to the way they were. But it's impossible to go backwards. I know how heartbreaking it is and how the familiarity of each other must be very difficult.

Your original post was quite focused on him and his thoughts. What do you think? Deep down do you think breaking up is the right thing to do?

Mr. Frost

YoungFolks wrote: »

Mr Frost i would love to spend a day poking around your mind..

It's a complex place. I don't even know what's going on half the time!

YoungFolks

well my thought are focused on him because im far far stronger than him.he is such an amazing difficult beautiful fun man!!but i think i have been through that little bit more than him,and im a bit more..i dunno..together?no one is pefect,and we compliment each other 100per cent.
its hard because
A)we have both discussed AT LENGTH and rationally how we both want to get back together,and not with me bawling or begging or any of that,
B)i love him with everything i have,and because of thhat,when hes in a place where he says he needs to sort himself out i know hes not ok and i know im the best person to help him,and it frickin hurts watching him go through it
C)i really dont think i require as much maintenance,thats why i focus on him,family,friends etc


and yes the sex is fantastic!!!!!

Sinall

What's best for him and what's best for you might be two different things. Friends with benefits might be ideal for where he is at now, but if you still want to be with him this is likely to mess with your emotions and hurt you more in the long run.

Be careful, make sure you are doing the right thing for you.

kmick

Dont put yourself in a position whereby you let him get drunk and abuse/fight with you thats just crazy. Dont make yourself so available either - give him the space he needs but on your terms. You say you know that he is not leading you on but frankly you really dont know that no mater how much you know him. Sounds to me like he is initiating a breakup but is a decent guy and knows how much you are going to get hurt. That makes him crazy and messed up. I may be totally wrong though.

merlie

As a reply to your original post, may I say it all sounds a bit sketchy. The guy says your right for him but not now!!!!! If you were right for him, (logic dictates here) he would be with you full stop and want no one else. But if he is the sort of man that thinks, I found a girl who is willing to put up with my wayward behaviour ( this I am getting from the subtle hint he threw you, that he wants to mess around before settling down with you ) which seems an awful thing to do to someone they say they want.

Sounds a bit like he doesn't respect you enough to be with you but enough to want something from you sometime whenever it maybe.

Here's a question you can ask him: What if I meet some nice guy and he is interested in me....what should I do?

Here you may find part of your answer....in that if he says go for it...than he doesn't have much stake in the relationship or value you it the way you feel it should be.

One thing I must say, you said in one of your posts that intimate relations between you both is Great!! This is only a minor part of any relationship...you need to have the foundations, trust, respect, honesty when you have those all the rest fall into place.

YoungFolks

sex is important!not minor in the least!..you say it sounds sketchy but theres another way im thinking about it..

i would be the type of woman who always says what she feels ALWAYS,due to my upbringing i never let my loved ones go without hearing i love them as much as possible-its part fear of what if theyre gone tomorrow,part i love making people happy,and reminding people i love em tends to make em happy.btw im aware im a people pleaser...

my point is,i dont want to be one of those couples who hit a rough patch and just walk away because i truly believe nothing worth having comes easy.so i work at relationships,hard.i dont think they just happen!there are some days where you just think"if you leave a wet towel on the bed one more time...."and anyone who thinks its sunshine and lollipops is deluded.

so,do i walk away and say **** you i dont need this crap,or stay for the long haul...im not an idiot im just not as black and white about it as most people seem to be..

Sinall

He is the one who has walked away from the relationship, not you. As far as I can see you are currently broken up.

LegacyUser

Hi Youngfolks,

Im a guy,in a similar situation myself. My ex-gf did the same routine saying theres no-one else but she wants space.
We're at a similar point to yourself, meeting up every two weeks or so. The longer things go on the more it just seems like we wont be back together.
The whole i want to be with you some day seems just a way to soften the blow. I am at the point now where i think it would be better to stop meeting up as it is not doing me any good and stopping me from getting closure one way or the other.
I hope your situation works out for you!

Jimmy Bottlehead

Been there.

He wants out but isn't strong enough to cut ties himself. Plus he's getting sex too, so thats a bonus. He doesn't have to work for it. The reason he picks fights is so he is hoping you'll finally have had enough and will cut ties and end it properly.

Life isn't a fairytale - you have to accept some things end, whether you want them to or not.

Let him go, for good. For your own self-respect and sanity. right now you're not much more than an annoying ex who puts out and won't let him go, or tell him to go away.

Nevyn

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/

Why are you willing to be his fallback girl ?

cantdecide

YoungFolks wrote: »

...i truly believe nothing worth having comes easy...

That's admirable but this is only true up to a point.

BTW, he really has it good by the sound of it. I say that if you love him, set him free. My guess is he'll be back with an empty heart and his tail between his legs before you can say 'should have been careful what I wished for'...

YoungFolks

i dont believe that having been together and lived together for years and still feeling like i want to help him makes me his fall girl??!!

i am taking a step back and it is ******* hard and i dont want anyone else.those 3 facts is what gets me.

i know i sound so stupid and pathetic but i really think we will be together again soon.how can something so good just be taken away and forgotten?

Jimmy Bottlehead

YoungFolks wrote: »

i dont believe that having been together and lived together for years and still feeling like i want to help him makes me his fall girl??!!

i am taking a step back and it is ******* hard and i dont want anyone else.those 3 facts is what gets me.

i know i sound so stupid and pathetic but i really think we will be together again soon.how can something so good just be taken away and forgotten?

If it looks stupid and pathetic, and sounds stupid and pathetic, what do you usually think it is? Honest answer.

Sinall

You might not want anyone else, but the indication he is giving is that he does not want you in that way anymore.

If he wanted to be your boyfriend he would not have broken up with you. It might be helpful if you tried to do things to take your mind off him - go out more and don't be as readily available.

Mr. Frost

YoungFolks wrote: »

i dont believe that having been together and lived together for years and still feeling like i want to help him makes me his fall girl??!!

i am taking a step back and it is ******* hard and i dont want anyone else.those 3 facts is what gets me.

i know i sound so stupid and pathetic but i really think we will be together again soon.how can something so good just be taken away and forgotten?

No offence but if I was him I'd start losing some respect for you. Cut ties and at least act like you're moving on..see how he responds.

LegacyUser

OP - I've been there.

And no it doesn't end well.

My ex said 'you're the love of my life. I want to get back together, I just need some time." etc etc etc

That went on for months until I found out they had already started another relationship and were just stringing me along for their own selfish egotistical needs.

So I would say, walk away. If he wants to marry you as he says then he should have no worries being your boyfriend now, should he?

I'm afraid we always believe what we want to. And I believed for ages that everything was going to work out peachy for me, despite my friend's being skeptical and there being warning signs all over the place it wasn't until I was confronted with the cold fact that they were seeing someone else and just lying to me that I got sense and said no more.

bstar

my ex said the same thing and i believed him cause when i did see him was still with all his friends calling me his gf so i figured was all true. he was all i need to be single then and next thing i know hes moved in with someone else.

its hurt me getting over him but im happily engaged to a guy who said he wanted to marry me and meant it.

ellie1

Op. There is some cases where people have broken up, had some space and got back together and lived happily ever after!!!!
There is also what the the other posters have replied that basically he is looking for a way out.
If I was you, i would take a break from having any kind of contact(no texts emails,meeting up, sex ) take space from him and spend time with your own family and friends.
Take time to decide whether your willing to wait around.
Maybe no contact from both sides will help you both decide what you really want.

Sinall

Good idea, Ellie1...the no contact would help both sides to establish how they really feel.

Nevyn

If he really wanted to have a future with you he would be working with you towards that not holding on you pause.He has made you the ultimate fallback girl, the fall back wife to be.
The idea or dream of marrying him is being used to keep you intrested while
he does not want that in his life. He can do what he wants while keeping minimal contact
with you knowing you will take him back due to the castle in the clouds he has promised you.

If he has big issues he needs to sort out and changes to make to himself good but
there is the chance he will come out of that a changed person and you may not be
the person for him. He will have moved forward and you will not.

So one day he will have sorted himself out and will want to then have real relationship
wtih you and marry you ?

So one day he will have turned into your prince charming ?

So one day your prince will come ?

If he does have issues which are big enough that he can't or won't work through
them while in a relationship wtih you then he is either not that right person for you
or think that you would not be able to be there for him, which then begs the question
why marry someone if they can't be there for you or won't let you be there for them
" in sickness and in health for better or for worse" ?

barbeck23

I think that perhaps people can be too harsh in the above reponses, allowing their own personal experiences to effect their objective response... maybe (!)

Here's mine!

I suppose it depends on what sort of issues your boyfriend has to deal with. I am currently in a similar situation - we didnt live together and in fairness the person said from the start that they weren't ready - but love was bestowed on us anyway. The issues that my ex carries are very difficult - pertaining to their very existence and what path they will follow in life. I know that it's something that person must do on their own because if I stayed - they'd only take out their own frustrations on me. So I left - and cut contact for the foreseeable future. It was the only way for my own sanity - you have one life and you must live it for you - not someone elses issues....

I hope that makes sense. If it's meant to be - it'll come back - but don't sit around waiting for someone to sort their own **** out. You have your life to live.

Hope I've been some help. It gets easier, once you take your own destiny into your hands, instead of placing it in someone else

merlie

YoungFolks wrote: »

sex is important!not minor in the least!..you say it sounds sketchy but theres another way im thinking about it..

i would be the type of woman who always says what she feels ALWAYS,due to my upbringing i never let my loved ones go without hearing i love them as much as possible-its part fear of what if theyre gone tomorrow,part i love making people happy,and reminding people i love em tends to make em happy.btw im aware im a people pleaser...

my point is,i dont want to be one of those couples who hit a rough patch and just walk away because i truly believe nothing worth having comes easy.so i work at relationships,hard.i dont think they just happen!there are some days where you just think"if you leave a wet towel on the bed one more time...."and anyone who thinks its sunshine and lollipops is deluded.

so,do i walk away and say **** you i dont need this crap,or stay for the long haul...im not an idiot im just not as black and white about it as most people seem to be..

For anything to work long term, you must both have foundations set in place for this to happen. Trust, respect, honesty are the major factors that will tell long term if this is going to work all others play a secondary role. Thats why I say intimate relations is a minor factor in this, but none the less as important as care, love, understanding etc.

In the second paragraph you wrote, how you please others and like to make others happy...I have been there and I am that type of person too. But over the years I have learned that giving others happiness, doesn't necessarily contribute to your own, not in everything. You have to be a little selfish too otherwise you can become drained and stressed.

Well, also from your reply I gather you are the one who IS committed to this relationship for the long haul and work hard at it. Thats great! But he doesn't come across as someone who feels the same depth of commitment as you. When he told you that you were the one for him but not at this time, represents a man who isnt as committed to this relationship as you are.
His scale of commitment differs on a scale from yours.

Of course you worked hard at this relationship to keep it together. You live together etc and have some bond that keeps things going but at the end of the day, when he said what he said, it sounds like he wants to wander and see whats out there and maybe he will come back....who knows. But are you willing to sit on the side lines watching him go off and for you to sit in wait on him to come back to you after he has had his 'fun'?

Now who is the one committed to this relationship?

YoungFolks

thank you all for your messages and advice,i have a lot to think about now,i guess i wanted to say that nothing is ever as it seems.and despite how it may look despairing or a waste of time,im either not cynical or not smart enough to walk away from the best damn thing that ever happened to me.but my heart isnt just out there,im protecting it,and i dont have any silly dreams about princes or clouds,i have dreams about happiness,love and laughter.who of us can say we've found our special someone?who of us can say they're perfect?i know he isn't,i know he's hurting.and im big enough not to take it as an insult,and im doing what a real friend would do,be there for him the way he is for me.its going to take time,but we'll get there.

peace out:)

Salome

He's hedging his bets - if he fell for someone else during this "need some space" period, you wouldn't see him for dust.

I don't mean to be harsh but you need to show some respect for yourself and stop seeing him, full stop.

If he cops on and realises what he's losing out on, great! Happy ever after! But my feeling is that he won't notice. You're turning into a f-buddy not a girlfriend.

lconmara

Oh get rid!

He is keeping you on the back burner, either because he doesn't want to see you move on, as an ego thing or he isn't sure if he likes you.

Do you really want to spend your life with a man who isn't sure that he likes you?

You've given him enough time to decide if he likes you, get out now.

You'll be snapped up. Guaranteed.