Dwelling on the past too much..

LegacyUser

A year ago (almost to the date) my boyfriend and i had an argument on a night out as his ex txted him telling him how well he looked and to delete the message before i saw it. I saw it. I freaked. wanted her number as i wanted to ring her and ask her what she was playing at (they had broken up about 6 yrs previous and she had started up communication with him again when we started going out - we were together 1.5 yrs when this happened a yr ago - and she had caused alot of trouble for us by ringing and txting him through all hours)
So we had a huge argument, went home in 2 seperate taxi's to our 2 different homes.
The next fews days werent great, i got her number from someone i know, rang her, had it out with her, she said he wasnt totally innocent either and that he txted her too. I found out a few days later from him that that night we had the fight, he sent her a msg saying "i am very unhappy, i want you."..

I dont think about it constantly, but when i do think about it (every few weeks) i get really upset and paniky..i am shaking now thinking about it. as far as he is concerned its over and done with, apologised , said he didnt mean it. when i bring it up, he says its in the past, he hasnt contacted her since.
Its come to the stage where i hate him to go out without me, incase she is there.
How do i get over this, without loosing him..
do i have to simply forget it??

Silverfish

he sent her a msg saying "i am very unhappy, i want you."..

See, I wouldn't have made it past this. If someone I am currently with is telling anyone, never mind an ex, that they are unhappy and 'want them', I'd leave them to it.

I can understand where you're coming from, the word 'trust' will get bandied about in this thread a lot I can imagine, but he did break your trust, texting his ex saying he still wanted her, and not telling you was lying and a breach of trust.

The thing is, the longer this stuff sits in your head, the more it grows and these things can gather momentum. For him its in the past, for you it's not.

I would say you sit him down and ask him why he sent the text. What did he mean by it. Ask him why he chose to stay with you. Ask him what's different now than then when he still wanted her.

LegacyUser

TBH it's a case of forgive and forget and if you can't then break up and move on.

OK so he did break your trust, but you forgave him and you cannot continue to punish someone for a mistake he made a year and a half ago.

If you cannot forget this and it going to continue to have a negative effect on your relationship then I think you need to cut your losses.

LegacyUser

Silverfish wrote: »

I would say you sit him down and ask him why he sent the text. What did he mean by it. Ask him why he chose to stay with you. Ask him what's different now than then when he still wanted her.

I have asked him alot, especially around the time it happened. He said he was drunk, he didnt mean it, he wanted to see what she would say back. (afaik she didnt reply - although thinking about it more now, i find that hard to believe) she had been leaving hints with him and his friends that she wanted him back. so he said he wanted to hurt her like she hurt him 6 yrs before hand, by sending a message like that, that he didnt even mean, to get a reaction out of her.

LegacyUser

You really need to get it out of your head and stop tormenting yourself by thinking about it. In all relationships sh*ty things happen and hopefully this will be the worst for you. Maybe its because of the date/ time of year that you are getting worked up about it. Make a deal with yourself that from now on Enough/ Its in the past and enjoy your relationship with your partner. Dont be causing mental stress for yourself!! Its not worth it.

Good Luck

bubblewrap

You poor thing, that must be hard...it isn't that easy just to forget, how has he been with you since it all?

I know it is a while ago but he still said it, he may have done it out of anger but only he knows.

I really don't know what to suggest as I would be the same, all I can say is after this, it is up to him to rebuild your trust and if he doesn't then he isn't worth your time or worry.

Dragan

I can see why he would be looking to be honest, if i had a girlfriend who went off on one every couple of weeks she'd get the short walk.

You need to chat it out together and decide if you can go on as a couple.

thekinks

i think too much time has gone by for you to be bringing it up.

you need to get over it or leave.

harsh? maybe. but by letting it go by the 1st time, you are teaching him how to treat you.

LegacyUser

bubblewrap wrote: »

You poor thing, that must be hard...it isn't that easy just to forget, how has he been with you since it all?

I know it is a while ago but he still said it, he may have done it out of anger but only he knows.

I really don't know what to suggest as I would be the same, all I can say is after this, it is up to him to rebuild your trust and if he doesn't then he isn't worth your time or worry.

I think possibly it was out of anger too, i made quiet a scene on the street and one of his friends saw.. we never fight, so having a screaming match in the middle of the street was quite a shock...but at that stage i had enough..
Last yr wasnt a great yr for us, a few break ups, but things have been back on track since october. 1 fight no breakups. but i have this niggling feeling about this girl if he goes out without me. i find it hard to believe she has giving up on this, and i feel we havent heard the last from her. the last he heard from her was in Nov, he met her out when i wasnt out. she asked him to go to the nightclub with her, but he said no, but later when he was in the pub with his friends, things were very quiet so he txted her to see if she was in the club. she didnt reply.
Big fight over that. but again, i forgave him.
every few weeks i ask him had he heard from her lately. he hasnt.

LegacyUser

the past wrote: »

I have asked him alot, especially around the time it happened. He said he was drunk, he didnt mean it, he wanted to see what she would say back. (afaik she didnt reply - although thinking about it more now, i find that hard to believe) she had been leaving hints with him and his friends that she wanted him back. so he said he wanted to hurt her like she hurt him 6 yrs before hand, by sending a message like that, that he didnt even mean, to get a reaction out of her.

If you really do not trust him...i can't understand why you're still a couple!
If you can't forget something happened almost a year ago...how can you possible think to go on??!!
6 years had passed and at that time he was still upset by the relationship with this ex girlfriend...If i were you, if I wouldn't stand it, i would prefer ending my relationship with him.
How can he accept you do not trust him anymore?!

That Girl..

The Past wrote: »

I think possibly it was out of anger too, i made quiet a scene on the street and one of his friends saw.. we never fight, so having a screaming match in the middle of the street was quite a shock...but at that stage i had enough..
Last yr wasnt a great yr for us, a few break ups, but things have been back on track since october. 1 fight no breakups. but i have this niggling feeling about this girl if he goes out without me. i find it hard to believe she has giving up on this, and i feel we havent heard the last from her. the last he heard from her was in Nov, he met her out when i wasnt out. she asked him to go to the nightclub with her, but he said no, but later when he was in the pub with his friends, things were very quiet so he txted her to see if she was in the club. she didnt reply.
Big fight over that. but again, i forgave him.
every few weeks i ask him had he heard from her lately. he hasnt.

Ok i was thinkin you should just let it go and forget about it till i read this message..

He actually had the nerve to contact her again after what he did to you in the first place??
If i were you i wouldnt be letting him go out on his own and if he cared enough about you he'd understand..Why did he need to text her to see if she was in the club?? This doesnt make sense to me..

bubblewrap

How can she just let it go though? It isn't a one off, they have been texting each other on and off and meeting in clubs! Thhe more she lets him think he is in the clear, the more he could possibly do it. This ex is obviously enjoying this competition, she sounds like a cow.

How did they break up?

LegacyUser

bubblewrap wrote: »

How can she just let it go though? It isn't a one off, they have been texting each other on and off and meeting in clubs! Thhe more she lets him think he is in the clear, the more he could possibly do it. This ex is obviously enjoying this competition, she sounds like a cow.

How did they break up?

They never had a good relationship afaik.
He said she treated him like crap, used to make a scene all the time, fighting with him over silly things, ignoring him for days on end, flirting with his friends. they cheated on eachother a few times. they broke up and got together a few times, but eventually he decided enough was enough.
He always tells me how good i am to him, how better than her i am. how he could never go back to her again. promises not to hurt me anymore.

LegacyUser

Maybe it's time you cut your losses OP, you clearly have very little trust in your partner. As you said you've had a lot of issues over the past year. Relationships are supposed to be good, ok sometimes they take a bit of work but not always and the good enjoyable times should far outway the times when you are trying to work through issues.