Let's lighten the mood.

deadwood

A bit of a David Brent moment here, but it's been a wee bit serious here over the last few days. I know there's a thread above but lets get a few fresh stories from the various Emergency Service personnel and hopefully from non-members with their experiences with their E.S. providers. Me first.

Several years ago, while stationed in a rural part of the country, I was sent to a small remote village to meet a social worker who was assisting a young, single mother retrieve some of her property from her home. The young woman was in fear of a confrontation with her abusive ex, I was there simply to keep the peace.

On arrival I met the social worker, the young mother and her tiny baby. All went well and I tried to make small talk with the social worker who was easy on the eye but my killer lines weren't having the desired effect. The whole procedure started with some hostility towards me and deteriorated from there. For some reason, I got the feeling that I was a necessary evil and eventually gave up trying to be nice and just concentrated on the matter at hand.

As the young woman finished her business, it became clear that they expected me to ferry them the 40 miles back to the provincial town where they were staying. This was news to me and considering the frosty reception I got from the people I was there to help, I wasn't bending over backwards to accomodate them - especially in the last couple of hours approaching my rest days!

My dutiful nature got the better of me, though, and I considered it prudent to remove the women and baby from a potentially dangerous situation. I rang the station and got the all clear to transfer the stranded women.

Starting on an hour long journey with no radio to entertain us, I passed the usual comments on the weather to grunts and yes/no answers. My sunny disposition got the better of me and I was determined to make somebody's day.

Looking in the rear-view mirror, I smiled at the young mother and complimented her placid child: "That's a lovely quiet young fella you have there, Jenny!" I beamed.

"It's a girl" she snapped back.

Something happened inside me.
I don't know what.
I can't explain it.
I couldn't help it.
I barked: "Jesus, I'm glad I didn't ask you what do you feed your pet monkey!"

Looking to the social worker for an approving, I-want-you-now acknowledgement of my silky smooth wit, I might as well have punched the baby in the face.

Nothing.

35 miles of mountain roads, silence, a pair of eyes burning into the back of my head and a good looking social worker who wouldn't pi$$ on me if I was on fire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . unless she pi$$ed petrol.

TheNog

Was doing a checkpoint one sunny afternoon with a younger and slightly mad member. I was the driver and he the observer. Anyways left the station without my glasses which is no real problem as I can still see the big things on the roads just not the little things such as people etc etc.
At this checkpoint I was squinting to see tax and insurance discs when my observer shouted at me "we have a turn arund" meaning a car had turned away from the checkpoint. I looked at the car turning around trying to get a make/model/colour and ran to the car. Grabbed the door handle while still looking at the car and jumped in. Tried for the handbrake but all I could feel was soft cushion. Its was only then I realised my observer was sitting in the passenger seat where he should be but he was in front of me and to the left.

Morale of the story: Catching a turn around is no easy task while not wearing glasses when you should be and trying to see through tears of laughter. Oh and its better to drive a car from the front drivers seat rather the rear drivers seat.

DeVore

A Garda arrives at my door, big man with a deep country voice, face on him like a badger. I lived with my folks at the time at the top of a very steep hill which hadnt improved his mood any. I answered the door to him.

"Are you Tom Murphy".

"Eh, yeah". I've never been inside a cop-shop in my life let alone arrested or anything. I'm desperately thinking of what I have said or done now to bring this guy to my door.

"Do you live here?"

"Yeah"

"I got you you little ....." And hands me an envelope. He looks triumphant and I look even more confused. "You didnt think I'd follow you from Offaly did you boy? Well I did and thats a summons. Thats the last time you'll drive through my town at 100 miles an hour!".

I dont drive. Never have. I'm very confused now. I tell him all of that.

"But thats your car there!" *points at my dad's car* . I'm named after my father. My father is a serial speeder. The penny drops for both of us at the same time.

The cop makes a snatch at the summons because he's realised he's summonsed the wrong guy after all of his efforts but I back up into the door way. But I hate my father driving over the speed limit, I'm always giving out to him about it so I tell the guard to leave it with me. Wandered back in to my father with the morning paper and wrapped the summons up in it and handed it to him.

He declined to drive to Offaly for the hearing and was heavily fined in his absence. Hasnt let me forget it since! I might not be a copper but I have managed to serve a summons


DeV.

Trojan911

London:

I attended a sudden death with a collegue who was in the early stages of his probationary period & had never seen a dead body before. We attended the flat & sure enough the elderly lady was lying in her bed quite dead.

I went through the usual checks around the flat & body, which entailed moving the body to check for signs of trauma, and was satisfied it was a non suspicious sudden death.

So we sat back & waited for the FME (Force Medical Examiner) to turn up & pronounce life extinct. That was then I felt an EBM (Emergency Bowel Movement) sweep through me. I looked into the bathroom & decided it was not in a clean enough state for PC Trojan to rest his pink cheeks on. So I held on, in the hope the feeling would pass.

In the meantime, because we had lifted the body, the gasses within started to seep out mounting an unpleasant assault on the nostrils. That, as well as my EBM, put me in an even worse position. I could clench the cheeks no more and the probationer was confused as to why I was pacing the room like a caged tiger.

"I'll be back in a minute" I roar at the probationer. I legged it down to street level & to the nearest pub. It was 10.55am, pubs didn't open till 11am. I hammered on the door & met the landlord (who I knew) & muttered I needed the bog. Rushed in & completed the business only to discover there was no loo roll. Thankfully within a few minutes the landlord entered the toilets and lobbed a loo roll over the cubicle door saying "You might need this".

On my return to the flat the probationer, albeit green in the face, was holding the scene quite well. He admitted later he was freaked out when I left because the body had noisily continued to "pass wind".

Cork:

About two years ago I was driving up a small road in a town in Cork when I saw a garda in full uniform running up the road at a rate of knots.

Oi, Oi, I think, something going on, so I pull up next to him, dropped the window & asked him if he needed a lift to where he was going. "No, no, I'm grand" he pants, catches his breath and points towards the church twenty yards away. "I'm late for directing the traffic".....

Whitewater-AGS

As a student I went along with my unit to carry out a drug search on a house. Entry was gained rather easily no need for sledge hammers or the old size 9's. Anyway myself and another young member are searching the couples bedroom.

Now then they where among two of the strangest looking creatures i've ever clapped eyes on and the female of the due bore a remarkable resemblance to Miss Piggy only twice as wide(No joke:D)

Now then while searching their bedroom we came across no drugs, however we did start to come across a number of Hardcore porn films. I finished searching my side of the room and stupidy took my gloves off. Just as i'm about to leave the room my collegue calls my name, I turn to be met with something flying through the air towards me, now my natural reflex was to catch this object, on doing so i discover I holding about 12inches of a black dildo!!!!:eek:

Moral of the story leave the gloves on until you leave the house. I've a B.I.D story too but people might not like the dark humor

daithip

While stationed in a border town, incident occurred in mountainy area which required scene to be preserved. A certain member of legendary status took up the post and btw had to be helicoptered in, due to its remoteness.

Wet miserable night ensued and at approx 3am a call came in over the radio from said member requesting a WPC. Radio room operator duly noted his request and brought it to the notice of the Sergeant, whom on hearing it probably asked himself, is this guy getting lonely out there and is requesting a little bit of companionship? But not to be over harsh and question the request, as it was a really really miserable night and a guy could get lonely out there, he arranged with one of the female members on the unit to liase with the local army helicopter and to be transported out to the scene.

So on arrival female member jumps from the chopper and runs to meet the member at the scene. I believe the conversation went a little something like this... "Ok T*****, I'm here now what in God's name do you need a female member for?"
To which was replied "I never requested a female member and by the way did you bring my WaterProof Coat coz I'm absolutely soaked through":rolleyes: LEGEND