Silences and relationships

LegacyUser

K so I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years... On on off sometimes but long story short.. He is quiet, I do most of the talking. So sometimes there will be long periods of no conversation.. Like yesterday, we went to a concert. Sat, enjoyed the music, danced a bit but id say in the space of 2 hours we may have spoke about 20 mins worth.. Is this normal or is this just the relationship burning out..... Im asking as I feel that im tired of making effort in conversation and initiating chat. BUT.. Im also afraid that I have been used to this for years (me talking or not talking ... long silences) that i have lost my ''chatting skills''...

What you think....

bluecell99

Sounds like you've been putting up with it for three years while always knowing this was the case - that you had to do the initiating.Is everything else ok in the relationship?You get on as friends and are compatible?Not everyone is the same ,especially when it comes to personality types.You just have to decide that you can tolerate this going forward - while accepting its unlikely to change.You cannot change someone.Or do you need more at this juncture and feel the zing has gone and you no longer want to make as much effort?

No easy answer here.

LegacyUser

bluecell99 wrote: »

Sounds like you've been putting up with it for three years while always knowing this was the case - that you had to do the initiating.Is everything else ok in the relationship?You get on as friends and are compatible?Not everyone is the same ,especially when it comes to personality types.You just have to decide that you can tolerate this going forward - while accepting its unlikely to change.You cannot change someone.Or do you need more at this juncture and feel the zing has gone and you no longer want to make as much effort?

No easy answer here.

Thanks bluecell99........ yep.. we have fun.. have things in common but again.. i didnt mind at the beginning being the person to chat as i like finding things out about people but there is only so much you can try u know... he does ask questions but its almost like he has no interest in me. I kow he likes me and likes the idea of me but in tearms of sharing things its not the best. Thing is.. i can think of not having him around! is this TYPICAL break up feelings?? I have never had a break up like this.. Usualy it ends by something drastic or simple phasing out.. this is my longest relationship.. I know its not going anywhere but i would love it to... What you think

*Honey*

Are they comfortable or uncomfortable silences? If uncomfortable, then something needs to be done - if comfy silences, then that just happens in relationships. I'm a pretty quiet person (esp if something's on my mind from work or whatever) and sometimes hubby checks if everything's alright - I just have to explain that I'm tired or thinking about work or something and he's fine with why I'm quiet.

If you feel he's just not communicative in anyway with you, then I think you need to look at your relationship.... one of the most important things in any relationship is being able to talk to each other, being 100% sure you can say what you want and it not be shot down... if you don't have this, then I'd worry. But if he's just a quiet guy who does communciate with you, then it's just how he is.

Remember that something like 95% of communciation is non-verbal too so you don't have to alway rely on what people say to communicate with them.

upmeath

What was it Uma Thurman said in Pulp Fiction...

Why do we feel its necessary to talk about bullsh!t in order to feel comfortable around someone?

Yapping nonsensically for hours on end doesn't prove you're anymore compatible with someone than being able to share silence comfortably.

LegacyUser

thanks guys. i feel better about it now.. Sometimes i feel like... those couples out and not talking... i used to look at them and think id hate to be like that.... bt its comfortable.. sometimes its uncomfortable when we are both feelin ****ty but we just give space and take it from there.. thanks a mill guys..

im sorted

LegacyUser

Unregi101 wrote: »

Thanks bluecell99........ yep.. we have fun.. have things in common but again.. i didnt mind at the beginning being the person to chat as i like finding things out about people but there is only so much you can try u know... he does ask questions but its almost like he has no interest in me. I kow he likes me and likes the idea of me but in tearms of sharing things its not the best. Thing is.. i can think of not having him around! is this TYPICAL break up feelings?? I have never had a break up like this.. Usualy it ends by something drastic or simple phasing out.. this is my longest relationship.. I know its not going anywhere but i would love it to... What you think

Broke up with OH few months back, situation & relationship length sounds a bit similar to this, everything just kind of petered out, no big drama, no fights, I just realised i wasn't as happy as I wanted to be in a relationship, that as much as i liked the other person it wasn't quite the love i thought and wished it would be. Now a few months later i sometimes miss them, i sometimes feel nothing for them, i sometimes feel like maybe i made a mistake and was too hasty. Your last sentence "I know its not going anywhere but I would love it to" sums up how I felt. Not saying that you should break up but don't assume just because there hasn't been a major issue that you cannot break up. The fear of being single kept me from saying anything for maybe 6 months before eventually admitting my feelings (or lack thereof) to myself. I don't see that 6 months as a waste or anything, and I don't think that delaying made break up any easier or worse, but in the end i think it was the right decision. If it takes you a while to be sure that is most likely ok, no need to rush into it as long as ye are still getting on amicably.

Hope this helps

merlie

Unregi101 wrote: »

K so I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years... On on off sometimes but long story short.. He is quiet, I do most of the talking. So sometimes there will be long periods of no conversation.. Like yesterday, we went to a concert. Sat, enjoyed the music, danced a bit but id say in the space of 2 hours we may have spoke about 20 mins worth.. Is this normal or is this just the relationship burning out..... Im asking as I feel that im tired of making effort in conversation and initiating chat. BUT.. Im also afraid that I have been used to this for years (me talking or not talking ... long silences) that i have lost my ''chatting skills''...

What you think....

Conversation shouldnt be a task, it should be natural. Some people are more quiet than others but having been with this guy for 3 year, I would think that by now he would have opened up a bit more to you. Awkward silences and pauses dont help. Having to be the one to instigate a conversation is odd. Sounds to me like there isnt much enjoyment in this relationship and having to drum up a convo with him leads me to think you are doing most of the work here. Your relationshipwith him maybe on a burn out....how are you supposed to know what is going on with him or anything to do with him in his daily life, if you are the one to always start a conversation.

YoungFolks

who is to say whats normal?
are you happy?is he?
if its working and youre both happy,then i say forget about it!
if its something youre mulling over,ask him,maybe hes just a shy or introverted person,and maybe hes quite happy for you to take the lead!

ask him.

kevmy

Personally I think reaching a level where you could sit and say nothing for hours and be comfortable is a good sign.

Sometimes I have nothing to say (or at least nothing of interest) if you ask me what I'm thinking I would come up blank or say "Jeez I hope Ireland win at the weekend".

As long as it comfortable and not awkward then I don't see the problem. However if you see it as a problem then it's a problem