Something different for my set

squidgey

Working on something a bit different to throw into my set. Gonna try it next time I have a mostly Irish audience. Imagine the following being performed as such in a set and let me know what you think. Positive or negative feedback welcomed.

Just to give you the background to this story - I visited a fortune teller last October. She told me next Sunday is going to be a day of terrible misfortune for you. I advise you to stay at home.But I wanted to prove the fortune teller wrong. So I headed into town that Sunday night with one objective - to lose my virginity.
I headed into the Porterhouse bar, there's always some good looking girls there so where better to go when looking to do it for the first time. I was a frequent masturbator - I used to do it a lot while staring at the sun ... page 3 of course and tonight I hoped would be the night I would find out was it even better then the real thing. A girl wearing a velvet dress caught my eye. She had a crackin body and a real cute babyface - just like Grace aged 20 from Essex. I decided to use a classic chat up line on her "If God would send his angels, they would definetly look like you". She stared at me in silence. I wasn't sure if this was good thing or a bad thing, so I decided to swoop in for some action. Like an acrobat I grabbed her in my arms and went for it.
*Smash* - she broke her glass over my head. My head went went numb, I hit the floor and landed on the ground beneath her feet. Through the blood and the glass I could taste the vixens drink - it was lemon. Sunday, bloody sunday I thought to myself.
She stood over me and shouted "If you try to hold me, thrill me or kiss me one more time - I'll bleddin kill ya"
I'm sorry I said - I just thought that you know maybe we could hook up, maybe go back to my place"
Ha, don't make me laugh - I would rather ride a f****n wild horse then let you go near me, you freak.
I dusted my self off and left the pub, maybe it was a mild concussion but lights of Dublin city seemed to be blinding. Just then my phone rang, I looked at the screen but it was from an unknown caller. I answered to a ladies voice
"Hello. Hell-oo!! Yeah I'm in a place called Vertigo" Vertigo nightclub on Camden street. I recognised the voice, it was that German girl I met last summer Gloria. You want to meet for drink. Sure I said on the way. I knew where Vertigo was, but it wasn't really a nightclub is was more of a discoteque. When I got there the bouncers weren't letting me in because I had no ID. That fortune teller was right - Sunday bloody Sunday.
Just then somebody threw a brick threw the window. This provided me with the perfect distraction to slide my way in like a fly on the wall. I spent a good 15 minutes inside trying to track down Gloria - another girl approached me and asked me was I by myself - I said no I just still haven't found who I'm looking for. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Gloria, on the dancefloor.

Hey Gloria - you're in Ireland, no way.
Ja way! she said - I'm here for a few weeks on holidays with my friends.
It's a bit noisy here, want to go upstairs where it's quieter?
yeah cool, you lead the way I will follow.
We headed upstairs to the louge area, we grabbed some seats in the corner where we could talk but a couple came over not looking too happy. Hey they're are seats. Trying to be a smartarse I asked "oh really - and I suppose your names are on them and all?"
"Actually they are".. he was right they were. All the seats in the lounge area were the same.
Come on Gloria - let's go somewhere the seats have no names. Let's go to my place.
A cab journey later and we were there. This could be it I thought - that fortune teller was wrong with her prediction. Tonight in my apartment - love was coming to town. We wasted no time and went straight to bed. I started to kiss her all over, and attempted to undo her bra. It was a strange design and I really felt like a stranger in a strange land. With some help from Gloria I got it off, and began working my way downstairs to her special place. This is it I thought it's finally gonna happen. And then it happened, just as I was about to slide her panties off she said it
"Woo Woo Achtung Baby"
Ich habe mein period
Oh f**kit anyway I said. Sunday bloody Sunday

Dord

I like it!

But I don't see why you'd need a mostly Irish audience...

grames_bond

i think its pretty good but i dont see how it will fit into a stand up set, maybe itll have to depend on the delivery. i do think ts a really clever story told by (if you dont mind me saying) a guy slightly obsessed with u2 , but i dont see were the big laughs will come, alot of mini laughs but i do think its more of a clever story than a stand up one! just my opinion but as i said it weill all be in the performance and telling of the story!

elshambo

The Irish are not as enamored with the U2 as the media may have you believing.

I think its a bit dated to be honest
Clean it up and it would make a good blog entry

morrowa64

No offence but i was having a beautiful day til i read that... you seem like your stuck in a moment and u cant get out of it, maybe you need some elevation to help you walk on but always remember that sometimes you cant make it on ur own!! dont ya just hate it when people use song titles in conversation:D

squidgey

Thanks for comments. The idea behind this piece is that in my opinion this creates a kind of "have you copped on what I'm doing yet?" vibe. I imagine different people will "get it" at different points, each feeling a small personal victory that they have worked out what is going on. They will then try to conciously listen out for song titles, each time they hear one thinking they are that little bit smarter. For a natural conclusion at the end and to show their approval of this game they will cheer and applaud wildly. That's the plan anyway.
Similar to the technique used by a comedian using a well known song and replacing the lyrics with "funny" ones. The song in itself is rarely if ever funny - but audiences enjoy playing along in their heads and associating the new lyrics with the original lyrics. They usually appreciate the cleverness of the song more so the funniness of it and reward the comedian with a cheer at the end.

grames_bond

squidgey wrote: »

Similar to the technique used by a comedian using a well known song and replacing the lyrics with "funny" ones. The song in itself is rarely if ever funny - but audiences enjoy playing along in their heads and associating the new lyrics with the original lyrics. They usually appreciate the cleverness of the song more so the funniness of it and reward the comedian with a cheer at the end.

i really disagree with that point....parody songs can be brilliantly funny, more than just the cleverness, the humour of it wins!

Gross Halfwit

No offence but I didn't like it. Then again I'm not a U2 fan & neither are a lot of people. The story itself as a framing device just isn't believable. So for me I was just looking at it as hollow way to get in song titles. The story wasn't funny & I'm only speaking for myself here but I wouldn't enjoy sitting there listening to you or anybody for that matter telling a terrible story that contained song titles. It might work if you were a musician & played the song titles maybe?

But if you must do this then save the Sunday, Bloody Sunday punchline for the very end & get the crowd to sing it along with you ... that is if they have copped on to what you were talking about.

squidgey

Cool, thanks guys. It's rare to get honest feedback from comedians, most don't want to insult. But personally I prefer the honesty. Still in 2 minds, my gut feeling tells me that this can work - probably with a more streamlined version. Will see - if a gig is going really well I might try it just to see what happens.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Galvasean

morrowa64 wrote: »

No offence but i was having a beautiful day til i read that... you seem like your stuck in a moment and u cant get out of it, maybe you need some elevation to help you walk on but always remember that sometimes you cant make it on ur own!!

Victor Ward, is that you?

Piriz

really liked this line 'Grace aged 20 from Essex' brilliant!
i think the story could work..but i think it needs more work, make the story more interesting engaging believable etc. lose the 'virginity' its just a bit daft from the get go... try to improve some of the puns..and they'll be on 'the edge' of their seats
lash up a second draft when your ready and we'll review it again, cheers

Bottle_of_Smoke

Only use the sunday bloody sunday part once, and defininitely for the part at the end.

grames_bond

Bump! hey squidgey man just wondering have ya done anything with this? used it in a set yet or are ya planning on it? an update would be magnificent...

/gets coat

Jordonvito

Thats Brilliant, maybe a bit long though,?

coldwood92

Go for it man

I think it works well. A little editing and I've thanked the posts that I would take on board. Drop the virginity to just gettin lucky/gettin laid. The phrase Sunday bloody Sunday is overused as well. Definitely keep it for the end.

Nothing really new from me. just my 2c