Something different

squidgey

Working on something a bit different for my act. Let me know what you think. Might be good. Might be terrible. Please imagine this as being part of a standup show.

Just to give you the background to this story - I visited a fortune teller last October. She told me next Sunday is going to be a day of terrible misfortune for you. I advise you to stay at home.But I wanted to prove the fortune teller wrong. So I headed into town that Sunday night with one objective - to lose my virginity.
I headed into the Porterhouse bar, there's always some good looking girls there so where better to go when looking to do it for the first time. I was a frequent masturbator - I used to do it a lot while staring at the sun ... page 3 of course and tonight I hoped would be the night I would find out was it even better then the real thing. A girl wearing a velvet dress caught my eye. She had a crackin body and a real cute babyface - just like Grace aged 20 from Essex. I decided to use a classic chat up line on her "If God would send his angels, they would definetly look like you". She stared at me in silence. I wasn't sure if this was good thing or a bad thing, so I decided to swoop in for some action. Like an acrobat I grabbed her in my arms and went for it.
*Smash* - she broke her glass over my head. My head went went numb, I hit the floor and landed on the ground beneath her feet. Through the blood and the glass I could taste the vixens drink - it was lemon. Sunday, bloody sunday I thought to myself.
She stood over me and shouted "If you try to hold me, thrill me or kiss me one more time - I'll bleddin kill ya"
I'm sorry I said - I just thought that you know maybe we could hook up, maybe go back to my place"
Ha, don't make me laugh - I would rather ride a f****n wild horse then let you go near me, you freak.
I dusted my self off and left the pub, maybe it was a mild concussion but lights of Dublin city seemed to be blinding. Just then my phone rang, I looked at the screen but it was from an unknown caller. I answered to a ladies voice
"Hello. Hell-oo!! Yeah I'm in a place called Vertigo" Vertigo nightclub on Camden street. I recognised the voice, it was that German girl I met last summer Gloria. You want to meet for drink. Sure I said on the way. I knew where Vertigo was, but it wasn't really a nightclub is was more of a discoteque. When I got there the bouncers weren't letting me in because I had no ID. That fortune teller was right - Sunday bloody Sunday.
Just then somebody threw a brick threw the window. This provided me with the perfect distraction to slide my way inside.. like a fly on the wall. I spent a good 15 minutes inside trying to track down Gloria - another girl approached me and asked me was I by myself - I said no I just still haven't found who I'm looking for. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Gloria, on the dancefloor.

Hey Gloria - you're in Ireland, no way.
Ja way! she said - I'm here for a few weeks on holidays with my friends.
It's a bit noisy here, want to go upstairs where it's quieter?
yeah cool, you lead the way I will follow.
We headed upstairs to the louge area, we grabbed some seats in the corner where we could talk but a couple came over not looking too happy. Hey they're are seats. Trying to be a smartarse I asked "oh really - and I suppose your names are on them and all?"
"Actually they are".. he was right they were. All the seats in the lounge area were the same.
Come on Gloria - let's go somewhere the seats have no names. Let's go to my place.
A cab journey later and we were there. This could be it I thought - that fortune teller was wrong with her prediction. Tonight in my apartment - love was coming to town. We wasted no time and went straight to bed. I started to kiss her all over, and attempted to undo her bra. It was a strange design and I really felt like a stranger in a strange land. With some help from Gloria I got it off, and began working my way downstairs to her panties. This is it I thought it's finally gonna happen. And then it happened, just as I was about to slide her panties off she said it
"Woo Woo Achtung Baby"
Ich habe mein period
Oh f**k it anyway. Sunday bloody Sunday

Michellenman

I kinda like the idea but I can't imagine it working well as stand up. It reads like one of the those forwarded emails...

squidgey

Thanks for posting. The idea is that it's acted out, quite quickly. I don't expect or want much laughter from audience throughout, but hopefully at the end of it they will show their appreciation and give me a big cheer. That's the plan anyway. I've a gig on Saturday so I'll see how it goes down.

Michellenman

Yeah I'd say the quicker you do it the better! Keep me posted as to how it goes down!

RoundTower

I think you should drop the fortune teller and make the rest of it a bit snappier, then with good delivery it could come off well

Goodluck2me

I think you shoudl take out the sunday bloody sunday references at the start of the joke or at least the intention to ride someone as I found myself guessing the punchline pretty early on - so more deception and less waffle needed imo.

dh0661

goodluck2me wrote: »

I think you shoudl take out the sunday bloody sunday references at the start of the joke or at least the intention to ride someone as I found myself guessing the punchline pretty early on - so more deception and less waffle needed imo.

And background music to go with the punch lines :pac:

Micky Dolenz

I like it, very good.

newmills

A good tag line for you to finish on might be something along the lines of " you brought her back in to your flat and your flatmate looked up and said " oh it's U2 (you two)!!"