Getting back together

LegacyUser

hey, just looking for ppls help on this. about a year ago my partner broke up with me and i went travelling. we'd been living together a few months at that stage and realised it wasnt working- he was a student, i had my first 'career' job and the stress of balancing the two, plus living with others was too much, tho we'd been having problems for years. while travelling, we kept in contact and agreed we'd try again when i came home, but both were single. i met a few guys abroad, tho no-one serious. when i came home, i was pretty sure we wouldnt work and that i didnt want to get back together. but the more we hung out, old feelings came back and we started sleeping together and i started to look for more. after pushing for an answer as to where this was leading, he changed from saying he couldnt get past the other guys, and wasnt in the right place for a relationship, to declaring he only wants me and and wants to try again within a week.

problem is, i dont know if it can work a second time round? the break up was pretty hard on both of us, mostly because we stayed in contact i think. i dont know if we'll ever be able to live together, or even have a future as we seem incompatable (he stays up late, loves ppl around the house till late, smokes...all things that drove me nuts the last time). is it possible it could work tho we havent really gotten over each other in the first place? the sex was fantastic when i came home...but since he said he wants to try again, its like somethings shut down inside me and im not so sure anymore(sex was only 'ok' for a while before breaking up too)....does that mean im just nervous or i really dont want to try despite telling him i did? it's been about 5 months since i came home and started hanging out with him. he's a really great guy, and has changed a lot of his bad habits to try work things out...i dont want to hurt him by dragging this out if its not meant to be

thanks for reading this far...

cumhachtnamara

i got back with my ex after a year and a half or so of being apart, it was great but then things started to creep up, things we used to fight about before and we ended up breaking up in the most awful and painful way possible. looking back im not sure i was ready for the intensity of it. my advise would be to really think about if he is who you want to be with and dont let yourself fall back into a routine just because its comfortable, you'll both end up hurt that way!!

hope that helps!!!

LegacyUser

that's what i'm worried about...there was a girl we lived with that was best mates with him and i knew she had a crush on him. he ignored me at the time, assumed i was being jealous but things came to a head when she invited herself along on hols with him and his mates...when we split up soon after, she came onto him one night and he turned her down, finally realising there was more to it on her side at least. well, he's insisted on staying friends with her (not like i can demand any different) and when she was hanging out with him recently she confessed how she felt, practically told him she was in love with him. well, soon after he told me he wanted to try make us work again, and she wouldnt come between us, that we came first and if there was the chance he could spend time with me, he'd do that rather than see her. my problem is, a few days after, he tells me he invited her on hols with him and a mate. surely if he really was serious about us, he wouldnt ask someone who's obviously got a major crush on him, to go on hols together? in the past, i've made a fool out of myself over him- staying with him despite him saying some horrible things. i know there's nothing more to this friendship to him at least, but i'm afraid of making a fool of myself again. out of principle at least, surely he should realise that's a step too far...ok they stay friends...but going on hols together??? we've been together a long time...i know he loves me dearly and we've both made mistakes in the past...am i being unreasonable and jealous?

star-pants

Hey OP,

When people break up it's usually for a reason, or a few reasons. Unless these reasons are resolved then they'll only come up again in the future and cause the same issues.
There'd been a big gap in seeing & being with each other so being intimate was probably more intense than usual when ye met up recently.
You say he's changed some of his bad habits - has he changed enough to not cause the same annoyances?

As regards the inviting the girl on holiday.... tbh, I'd not be overly happy about that. Just because she's made it very clear she's practically in love with him and hasn't given up on it, as she keeps reminding him how she feels. The fact that he said he'd choose you over her, and yet invites her on holidays (but not you?) after saying this?
I dunno, personally I would probably sit him and down and explain my concern. Not that you don't trust him, but that he's not helping this girl get over her crush by acting how he is with her. I don't think it's bad to feel a little jealous about that. It's very easy to feel threatened by another woman coming on to your bf.

Are ye now exclusive? Officially bf/gf again? Also has he voiced any doubts about ye?
I think you need to think long and hard about things, and see if the relationship is worth trying again for. If it is - then have a chat and make sure all is out in the open and how ye both feel and give it a shot.
The fact he one minute couldn't get over the 'other guys' and next minute was crazy about you, is somewhat reasonably understood. He didn't like the idea of other guys and thougth that might be a massive issue, but realised that being without you would be worse than the 'other guy' issue.

Wibbs

star-pants wrote: »

When people break up it's usually for a reason, or a few reasons. Unless these reasons are resolved then they'll only come up again in the future and cause the same issues.

That pretty much sums my take on exes trying again. If the original issue has been resolved, well then it can be better than the first time. If not, then rinse and repeat. It helps if some time has passed too IMHO. The ones I've seen working and working very well, were all apart for over a year.