What should I do?

andreac

Ok heres the story, i met someone online months ago and we really clicked, got on great etc.

We saw each other maybe once a week, either his place, my place or just in general. He had mentioned at the start that he was kind of seeing someone but it wasnt serious, they werent a couple,so as it wasnt serious between us two (as official, i didnt think much of it)

We talked everyday, mailed everyday and text etc. So i was over at his one night (just before xmas), when next morning someone lets themselves into the house, which i later(that day when she text me) discovered was his wife!!! I had no clue whatsoever, i was lied to for months and i felt like a complete fool that i had no idea. I know you might say how did i not know, but i really didnt, it wasnt serious between us, and i was just out of long term relationship (7yrs so very vulnerable).

Basically that day after we were caught and she text me to say she was his wife and was about to give birth to his baby (which i felt physically sick when i found out that he was married with baby on the way). I have never ever been caught up in a situation like that and felt like such a fool for believing him for so long.


My problem is now, ive had non stop texts, calls, threats and abuse from her to my mobile wanting to know all the details etc. Now i dont want to get involved anymore as this was his problem not mine, he lied to us both.
It has got to the stage of harassment and threats.

I havent replied to even one of her texts/voicemails which have been going on since christmas.

I thought she would of given up by now but she seems very persistent.
Now i have come to the point where i have had enough and i am thinking of going to the guards and lodge a complaint of harassment and threats, so i was just looking for advice on what i should do.

I dont want to reply to her now and think she has got her way buy abusing and threatening me as its her husband she should be talking to, not me.

Thanks for listening.

RedXIV

Change your number, simpliest solution.

You might want to consider losing any email addresses he had of yours to contact you on if possible

*Honey*

Personally, I believe you've totally been lied to by him and you should not feel embarassed by this at all.

With regard to the wife, her problem is with him not you - I would call the cops and ask if they can have a word with her (I'd say one visit will shut her up).

I feel bad for both you and her - you've been caught out by a player and it's not fair on either of you. However, neither is it fair that she takes it out on you. That's not on.

Good luck in sorting it out.

Genghiz Cohen

It's kind of cruel to leave the wife not knowing what was going on behind her back, with a child she may be even more worried. "What if he leaves? How will I cope?" kind of unpleasantness.

andreac

Thanks, changing my number is not an option,ive had it for nearly 10 yrs and im not letting her dictate changing my number.

Yes i do feel for her and i know it must be awful and believe me i felt so bad when she found us and couldnt actually believe it was happening, esp with baby on way etc.
But as you say, he is the prob, he committed the affair and lied to us both, so she should be having it out with him, not me.

I havent replied to any texts or calls as im not going to get involved anymore, but i will not put up with abuse and harassment like this,its disgusting and insulting the things she is saying to me.

So do you think i should mention it to the guards and just as them to have a word with her?
Was going to mail him and tell him basically if this doesnt stop that i will be forced to make a formal complaint about this.

estar

but first send her an email stating that you are changing your number, want no more communication, and the circumstances in which you met her husband.

did you not notice all the female stuff around his house? my house is full of my stuff and looks like a woman is around, and also in the room, there are loads of such stuff.

how come you didnt notice?

RedXIV

andreac wrote: »

Thanks, changing my number is not an option,ive had it for nearly 10 yrs and im not letting her dictate changing my number.

Yes i do feel for her and i know it must be awful and believe me i felt so bad when she found us and couldnt actually believe it was happening, esp with baby on way etc.
But as you say, he is the prob, he committed the affair and lied to us both, so she should be having it out with him, not me.

I havent replied to any texts or calls as im not going to get involved anymore, but i will not put up with abuse and harassment like this,its disgusting and insulting the things she is saying to me.

So do you think i should mention it to the guards and just as them to have a word with her?
Was going to mail him and tell him basically if this doesnt stop that i will be forced to make a formal complaint about this.

Changing your number is not a sign of weakness or defeat, it's a simple solution. you can text everyone you want to have your number your new one and you're guaranteed no further contact.

The guards, regrettably are probably not going to do a huge amount about this, and even if they block her number, all she has to do is change her number and again she has access.

believe me, nothing is going to be as effective as changing your number

andreac

I wasnt over in his house loads, just a few times and trust me, there was no girlie stuff there, not even pics of them, he must of hidden everything when i was going over. Honestly, i dont know how he fooled me, ccoz i never thought i could be fooled like this.
Im not getting into conversation with her, im not changing my number either.

I dont have email for her, only him. I just have her number, thats all and his of course.

RedXIV

andreac wrote: »

I wasnt over in his house loads, just a few times and trust me, there was no girlie stuff there, not even pics of them, he must of hidden everything when i was going over. Honestly, i dont know how he fooled me, ccoz i never thought i could be fooled like this.
Im not getting into conversation with her, im not changing my number either.

I dont have email for her, only him. I just have her number, thats all and his of course.

All you can do then is lodge a complaint. or tell her what she wants to know. What exactly does she want to hear?

Although if she's merely sending insults, i doubt telling her is going to do anything

andreac

I think she thinks she will get to me by these threats and so on but i want her to think and know she isnt and if this is what she wants to do ill sort it out my way. If i even got the guards to have a quiet word it might make her realise that i wont be messed with and then she will back off.

Shes obv not getting what she wants to know from him so wants to get it from me, but thats not my problem, its his.

andreac

What she wants to know is if we slept together. Now fair enough, but after all those insults, threats and abuse, i feel she would of got her way by these threats if i tell her now and im not going to let her think she has.

He has obv told her we havent and doesnt believe him and wants to know from me, but shouldnt that tell her something, that if she doesnt believe what hes saying that hes a liar?

RedXIV

andreac wrote: »

I think she thinks she will get to me by these threats and so on

she has, or you wouldn't be posting here.

andreac wrote: »

but i want her to think and know she isnt and if this is what she wants to do ill sort it out my way.

Ask anyone, best way to beat a bully is either laugh at them or ignore them.

andreac wrote: »

If i even got the guards to have a quiet word it might make her realise that i wont be messed with and then she will back off.

She might. And then again she might ignore them and you're back to square one.

andreac wrote: »

Shes obv not getting what she wants to know from him so wants to get it from me, but thats not my problem, its his.

If she's annoying you, it IS your problem.

I'm not trying to be annoying lass, but being honest, the only way you're guaranteed no more contact is to cut off her ability to communicate with you. It's your life, i can't make you change your number but I do think you'd be foolish not to. And i can guarantee the guards are going to tell you similar (Father is a guard, straight from his mouth )

CharlieCroker

Can I suggest meeting her??
I know you say your involvment in the situation is over and her behaviour isn't acceptable but neither is walking in and finding your OH in bed with someone.

It mightn't be pleasant or what you want to do but it should bring closure.
Meet her somewhere VERY public and explain your side of the story and that you never knew his home circumstances. Give her an hour, explain thats all she's getting and walk away afterwards.

kittensoft1984

i agree with Red. Change your number. Its not a sign of weakness or anything of the sort.

You never know maybe her husband told her a different story and she thinks your the bad guy here, Whatever she thinks, by keeping your number, you are allowing her to treat you like this.

it wont take that long to let people know you have a new number.

Which would you rather.....have her torment you for a long time or spend 10/15 mins letting people know.

Its your call.

andreac

I wouldnt meet her to be honest as she sounds like a quite violent person and i would fear for my safety,wouldnt trust what she might do. She thinks its quite diff, as in, that i contacted him(after we were caught,which wasnt the case), she doesnt know the half of it, so she thinks i was after her husband knowing he was married but that wasnt the case.

He contacted me after this all kicked off and she found a text on his phone which looked like i was contacting him, but it was the other way round, so god knows what he has told her. She thinks im the one chasing him when that wasnt the case at all so hence why im getting the abuse and threats.

andreac

I know someone mentioned ignoring and laughing them off, which is what im doing, the ignoring, not laughing, coz i dont think its funny, as much as i dont like this abuse, she is hurting and i can feel for her to a point, but abusing and threatening me is not the way to go about this.

dudara

Ok, so you made a huge mistake, but that's all it was. A mistake.

I think that you should arrange to meet her. Right now, she is focussing all her anger onto you instead of dealing with him. It's easier for her to do this rather than deal with the home truths. You've become the target of her anger rather than her husband. So you need to nip this in the bud, and you won't do it by hiding away.

Meet her, public place, maybe bring a friend. Outline your side of the story. Be honest. Tell her that you will not communicate any further with her after this conversation. It won't be easy but I believe that it's the only way to deal with this.

RedXIV

Can I ask why you have such an aversion to changing your number?

Slutmonkey57b

Send her a letter outlining what happened, point out you were lied to and you're sorry, but the problem is him not you. The guy is a liar so you can be sure he's lying to her about how the whole thing happened. Then, as others said, change your number.

nitpick: it's "should/could/would have", not "of"

andreac

Trust me if i had any idea that there was a girlf, wife or child involved i would have been gone at first mention.
Looking back on it i just dont know how i was fooled. I wouldnt of thought someone could have kept up lies for so long and i will make sure i never ever put myself in a situation like that ever again.
Ive never cheated on a boyf ever and i felt so hurt that he did that to both of us.

andreac

I dont want to change my number as i feel she would win as she mentioned ill have to change my number as shes not going to give in.
And also ive had my number for over 10yrs and i just dont want to change it.

RedXIV

andreac wrote: »

I dont want to change my number as i feel she would win as she mentioned ill have to change my number as shes not going to give in.
And also ive had my number for over 10yrs and i just dont want to change it.

No, you win, because you solve your problem.

I can understand you're attached to your number but "I don't want to change it" is not a good excuse to leave yourself open to abuse.

The only other thing i can think of OP is sending her a text after every message she sends you telling her how much money she's wasting. when it gets into big figures she might cop on.

I wouldn't recommend meeting someone who's been able to throw abuse at you for over two months. sorry but thats just me. Unless you want to bring a couple of guys to keep an eye on you but you can't be guaranteed she won't do the same

LegacyUser

Block her number, she wont know you have as you have never replied to her texts etc so she wont know your not getting them and you will stop getting them.

You seem very hurt by the fact he lied to you and you should be, but dont be embarrassed you fell for it men and women have been falling for people like that for years so dont beat yourself up about it.

As for you not knowing a women lived there well i know plenty of people whos homes are sparce and miminal and you couldnt tell the gender of the owner or if it was a couple, so it would be easy to remove photos if you were coming over and thats all he would have to do.

Block the number, put a great big smile on your face and move on with your life now.

star-pants

There's only two ways out of this, and neither are guaranteed to be the end of it.

1 - change your number, she can't text and call if she doesn't have your number
2 - tell her everything, in some shape or form, whether by letter or meeting up

because if it's two months later, she's not going to let this go easily.
It's a horrible thing that guy did to the two of you, but as you said, you've no idea what he's said to her, what lies he's made up about you. So she may think you're a homewrecker (which you're not!) until you set her right. The only way she may be able to deal with this, and potentially see if she can fix her marriage is to get all the info from both sides. You don't owe this lady anything and I know she's being awful abusive but in her position would'nt you want to know?

Monkey61

andreac wrote: »

I dont want to change my number as i feel she would win as she mentioned ill have to change my number as shes not going to give in.
And also ive had my number for over 10yrs and i just dont want to change it.

Okay the pregnant woman has been cheated on by her husband - really she's not winning anything in this situation. I know none of this is your fault, but you have to be able to understand where she is coming from. Sure she isn't being big or clever about it and is out of line in harassing you, but really she's going through a horrible situation - much worse than you are. She deserves your sympathy, not your scorn.

It is a bit petty of you to not want to let her "win." She's just been devestated by the news that her husband has been having an affair - christ I think she deserves to win a little bit here.

If it was me, I would meet up with her, in a public place, with a friend and explain everything in detail. Stress how sorry you are and how you were played for a fool as well and then tell her that you are never going to contact either her or the man again.

If you don't want to do that, I would think sending an explanatory letter would be the decent thing to do here. You don't owe her anything but I think it would be a nice gesture and may give her a bit of closure, which she deserves.

And yes, change your number if she continues to contact you. It's only a phone number, it's not a child, it won't kill you to have a different one.

andreac

Unregistered wrote: »

Block her number, she wont know you have as you have never replied to her texts etc so she wont know your not getting them and you will stop getting them.

You seem very hurt by the fact he lied to you and you should be, but dont be embarrassed you fell for it men and women have been falling for people like that for years so dont beat yourself up about it.

As for you not knowing a women lived there well i know plenty of people whos homes are sparce and miminal and you couldnt tell the gender of the owner or if it was a couple, so it would be easy to remove photos if you were coming over and thats all he would have to do.

Block the number, put a great big smile on your face and move on with your life now.

How do you block numbers?? ive tried, i dont think you can block a number texting you though,ive switched off my voicemail so she cant leave them now, only texts. If you know how to block a number please let me know, thanks.

star-pants

andreac wrote: »

How do you block numbers?? ive tried, i dont think you can block a number texting you though,ive switched off my voicemail so she cant leave them now, only texts. If you know how to block a number please let me know, thanks.

As far as I know - you can't. I think if you contact your network provider and explain harrassment there's a chance. But it's doubtful. Plus she'll only try from another phone.

LegacyUser

Im sure if you ask your network provider they can do something, it is to do with the bully and harrasment problems kids have had so as result networks are stepping up.

If she is sending you texts she wont know you are getting them, so she wont know her phone is blocked. If she is calling you and cant get through she will yes get a new number, block that, its less hassle and she will soon get bored and realise she is not getting anywhere.

I do feel for her but she has no right to harrass you just because she is pregnant and married, if she hit you would that be ok too no? so harrassment isnt either, its a form of abuse too and just as wrong.

yellowcurl

Send her a letter (you obv know where she lives) and just tell her what happened in it, and just say that now she knows what happened there is no need for her to continue her vendetta. She's clearly hurting, as are you. You are both the wronged parties in this. Unfortunately there are men like this out there

sambuka41

unfortunately you nor your network provider can block another number. Ive tried (was gettin explicit messages from random number). Only advie i was given was go to Garda and they can trace the number back and have a chat with txter. Sucks!

I would send her a letter, you know the address of house. Just explain everything that happened and ask her to leave you alone. Like other people said you were fooled but it happens. Only way you'll put this whole thing behind you is if you cease all contact. I understand your pride might be hurting and maybe thats why you're reluctant to "admit defeat". but you know the old saying pride comes before a fall. Both you and HER are the victims here,and while i wouldnt have a lot of sympathy for an abusive woman remember that she is pregnant and that can make women mad;even when their husbands aren't cheating scum!!!!;) Hormones suck!!!

seanybiker

just tell her whats happened. Simple as that. Obviously he is saying something different.
Why did you text him back after all this happened. Since she is annoyed with you after reading your text to him I can only assume you where not telling him to go fook himself.

shellyboo

andreac wrote: »

I thought she would of given up by now but she seems very persistent.
Now i have come to the point where i have had enough and i am thinking of going to the guards and lodge a complaint of harassment and threats, so i was just looking for advice on what i should do.

I dont want to reply to her now and think she has got her way buy abusing and threatening me as its her husband she should be talking to, not me.

Thanks for listening.

I know people are saying the Gardai won't do anything, but I was in a similar situation and they sorted it out for me.

Went to them, explained the situation - they gave the person a call and the calls stopped, immediately. It's my understanding that unsolicited/unwanted calls and messages are an offence, so it's certainly worth a try.

If they continue, you'll have to change your number. That wasn't really an option for me as I use my number for work, but if it came to it I'd have changed mine. It's worth it for the peace of mind and not jumping every time your phone rings.

andreac

Thanks for all advice and suggestions.

She had the baby about a week after we were caught so she is left with a baby and all this crap going on too, so it must be awful, but its no excuse to be insulting and abusing me when it was him that caused all this.

Yes of course i feel for her and it must be awful going through this, but the problem is with her husband and not me. He is obv not telling her the truth and wants to hear it from me, but i dont want to get involved as i was oblivious to her and anything else that was going on so im staying out of it.

But i will not put up with abusive threats,texts and harrassment from someone who should be blaming him and harassing him, not me. That is why i havent replied to any texts or any correspondance from her in any way shape or form, i thought she would give up by now.

LegacyUser

andreac wrote: »

Thanks for all advice and suggestions.

She had the baby about a week after we were caught so she is left with a baby and all this crap going on too, so it must be awful, but its no excuse to be insulting and abusing me when it was him that caused all this.

Yes of course i feel for her and it must be awful going through this, but the problem is with her husband and not me. He is obv not telling her the truth and wants to hear it from me, but i dont want to get involved as i was oblivious to her and anything else that was going on so im staying out of it.

But i will not put up with abusive threats,texts and harrassment from someone who should be blaming him and harassing him, not me. That is why i havent replied to any texts or any correspondance from her in any way shape or form, i thought she would give up by now.

Did you at any stage let her know that you'd been fooled also?
I think it's the least that the poor woman deserves, he obviously isn't telling her truth.
I realise you've been hurt too, but can you not see that you might be able to help her move on from this? She's obviously very distressed.

beth-lou

Tell her the truth and put her out of her misery. Whatever slight you may feel because he fooled you is nothing compared to what she must be feeling. All she wants is the truth. Give it to her, in whatever way you choose, but tell her the truth.

She is not going to win in this situation. She has lost a lot and the only one winning here by your silence is the husband. Text her, write to her or meet her, but just say sorry and he fooled you too.

It's easy and simple and the least you can do. I'd put money that you won't hear from her again once she gets some sort of answer. I can't imagine the scenarios that are tumbling around her head. Please just give her the truth.

The abuse is not nice, but I can understand it and excuse it to a degree.
What kind of asshole brings someone home to his marraige bed?