Can't stand up for myself. Help?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Lately ive realised that i am too easy of a pushover and need help in standing up for myself. It might have something to do with the fact i was bullied all through school, im not sure. Here are a few instances.

I rent an apartment with one of my friends. The monthly rent comes out of my account, and whenever i ask him for his share he seems to make up some excuse that he'll have it in a few days. I am too nice natured to be persistent in asking him for the money so i just let it slide and say, "give it to me when you can", despite the fact that more often then not i need the money badly.

This has been the case with another friend. This time last year he returned from travelling around the world and was broke. I ended up giving him a lend of 800 euro and he promised he'd give it back within a month. He then got a well paying job and despite me asking for my money back,he always had an excuse and just thought he could blow me off. Which he could, because i didnt have the backbone to demand my money back which i gave him in good faith.

Another incident which is a common occurence where i live is if there is a party on. I work 9 -5 mon-fri, and my housemate works at the weekends. Most weeks there is always a party midweek. The last one went on with music blaring until 7 30, i got up at 7 45 having gotten no sleep, as my room is adjacent to the sitting room, to find people passed out all over the house. I was lying in bed througout the night wanting to kill these people, but i just couldnt get the nerve to go in and demand they shut up or get out. I just let it slide.

I just want to know how can i be better at standing up for myself and not be allowed to be walked allover because thats i reputation im going to have if i already dont.

Thanks, all help greatly appreciated.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I am too nice natured to be persistent in asking him for the money so i just let it slide and say, "give it to me when you can", despite the fact that more often then not i need the money badly.

Tell him that.
Also ask that he sets up a direct debit from his account to yours with the amount hitting your account a day before the rent is due.
That is something very easy for him to set up and there should be no problem from his end.

I ended up giving him a lend of 800 euro and he promised he'd give it back within a month. He then got a well paying job and despite me asking for my money back,he always had an excuse and just thought he could blow me off. Which he could, because i didnt have the backbone to demand my money back which i gave him in good faith.

Quit lending money then. Just say you don't have it to give.

I was lying in bed througout the night wanting to kill these people, but i just couldnt get the nerve to go in and demand they shut up or get out. I just let it slide.

I would have lost the plot if that went on in my house. People walk over doormats. You simply have to stand up for yourself. Sit your housemate down and explain that he is taking advantage of your good nature. You need your sleep, he has to get that.

AngryBadger

Well first of all I'd change the rent set-up so that you pay your share only and not your flatmates. If your name is on the lease then speak to the landlord about changing the conditions of the lease.

Then I'd ask myself why you're willing to put up with this? Is it because you value the friendship? In that case I'd begin to acknowledge that however you may feel about it, your "friends" obviously don't give a toss if they're happy to deprive you of sleep mid-week and not pay their share of rent.

Oftentimes people like this know that you have a vested interest in whatever's going on, be it a friendship, a relationship, or whatever, and they know they can keep pushing the boat out because you're not going to do anything for fear of losing whatever you feel there is between you.

In my eyes the solution in this type of situation is easy, if you're tied into another person, in whatever capacity, but you're not getting what you should out of it (i.e. in this case you're paying two peoples rent and being kept awake), then the nature of the relationship is not what you need it to be and there's no point in holding back for fear of losing something that you don't actually have.

Dragan

Your flat mate is a wanker.

Plain and simple.

I would suggest a change of address.

If you feel like giving the guy a shot tell him you want the rent money on time, won't loan him anything else and he can knock the midweek parties on the head.

If he doesn't, tell him he can move or you will.

You don't need help standing up for youself, you just need to realise it's something that you are very capable of doing.

jim o doom

Hmm I've heard of anger management - but is there anger.. coaching classes??

Well you said you were lying in bed "wanting to kill them" - so clearly the anger is there.. so what's the problem? Act on the anger, let it flow through you and guide your words - scream your bloody head off at the eejits using you for a doormat! maybe then you will be taken more seriously!

You clearly don't like being this way; do you have any friends you REALLY trust and can mess around with? Try an "anger exercise" with a close friend (tell them why you are doing it) and sit there being aggressive to each other; calling each other names, being rude to each other -

this will do two things, allow you to be able to take aggression in your direction - and help you to be able to voice your aggression as well. then take your anger on a field trip and unleash it on those who are treating you so bad

Oryx

If you dont tackle this, one of these days youre going to snap like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

Are you afraid of showing a tough side, in case people dont like that side of you? Do you also find it hard to refuse to do something when you are asked? If so, learn to say no. And learn to say it without qualifying it by adding an excuse.

Just: 'No, I cant lend you money this month' not 'No, actually Im a bit strapped, really sorry...'


You need to learn that if people dont like you standing up for yourself, tough. You really dont need people around you that treat you like a doormat anyway.

And stop lending money. Its always hassle.

MollynOlly

You have to stand up for yourself. You will be the only one to suffer if you don't. What you are doing is protecting yourself from confrontation, or an argument. You are just avoiding issues, pretending they are not happening. This just buries things and buries things until you explode. I call it the Flanders syndrome.(ye know in the simpsons where flanders suddenly loses it after years?cos he is so nice) I am talking from experience, i was doin this for years, avoidance, burying problems. I have spent the past 3 years overcoming panic attacks. i didnt know why but as i say, just like flanders we all have a limit. And my limit came out in me physically.
Ask yourself, what you are afraid of, if you confront, ask someone for something ie rent, to keep noise down, to consider you for a change. you have a valid reason to ask for these, ie you are working, you are put under pressure if the rent is not paid. this is selfish behaviour from the other people. you deserve to be treated well. and have the right to tell someone its not acceptable to you. These are your boundaries, let people know what they are, and you will feel good about yourself.
To be honest it doesnt sound like your living arrangements are workin out, if you are doin opposite shifts like that, and your friend is quite selfish to have parties durin the week, knowing you are up for work. I would move on.

Jimmy Bottlehead

My OH was similar.... would let people walk over her, take advantage of her in work, and so on.

I'm quite the opposite, so when I knew this was going on I was raging, and explained to her that its not on. Slowly she started to stand up for herself (including to me!) and assert herself. I described it as 'unleashing the inner bitch'.

You know that voice that was screaming at you in your head when you wanted to kill the party people? THATS the voice you've got to let out. Tear people who cross you a new one if they deserve it.

Respect is not usually just given - it's either earned or taken.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You're doing all these nice things because you think people will like you for it.

You have to realise that people will like you anyway, its all self esteem. As per usual, discuss with a therapist.

Overblood

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Slowly she started to stand up for herself (including to me!) and assert herself. I described it as 'unleashing the inner bitch'.

LMAO!!!

OP if you have anger pent up inside, maybe start some sort of rigorous hobby or get a punch bag or something, it helps. I play drums and it's a good release to smash them to bits, and I'm being creative at the same time!

CDfm

Man -you do know how to pick friends.

You are a nice guy- I agree with those who say get a standing order from your flatmate or else tell him to move.

On your 800 euro buddy go up to him straight and ask him for the money and if he fobs you off tell him you will accept a post dated cheque from him - if he doesnt have a cheque book get a standing order form from the bank and get him to complete it and pay you off in installments to you. Tell him its that or the small claims court.

This is what people do - I had a ****ty email from someone today and Im naturally reticent but stood my ground. At first its hard to do these things but it gets easier as you get confidence.

Poloman

I agree with Dragan. Your flatmate is a tool.. if you consider him a friend then you are wrong.

Tell him that you are sick of being broke because of paying the rent and you are getting into trouble at work because you are getting no sleep due to his selfish parties keeping you awake. Tell him no parties mid week end of story.

If he is your friend he will apologise and make an effort.. if he tells u fk off then you need to hand him his notice and look for another flatmate.. plain and simple.

If you do this thats a major step and you will feel more in control and help yourself in all other situations.

One more word of advice: STOP BORROWING PEOPLE MONEY. Its your money, you earned it. If somone is broke its cos they spent their money. Why should you bail them out? Tell them you are broke as well or you have plans.

So do this and be strong mate.

LegacyUser

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I lived with complete assholes for almost a year who partied till the same hours you mentioned during the week whilst I tried to hold down a full time job with a long commute. Like you, I held my tongue about it and it did me no good. not only did I lose my OH over it, they were no friends to start with and I soon found out when I complained about the noise that they didnt give a toss. These aren't people you want to impress, unless they're complete gobsh*tes they must know they're parties are keeping you awake. Do you really want to lose your job in this climate over it? I've been looking for work over three months now, I have a degree and have always done well in my jobs...

I'd consider moving out...i know it's running away, but it saves the hassle of tension and arguments. rent is going down, u could probably find somewhere closer to work and cheaper if u tried. also, once ur gone and they find it hard to replace u, maybe they'll cop on to what they had in u....

as for ur mate u loaned the money to...people need a push- let him know u want the cash, and set a date. if he needs to pay in installments then if it's ok by you go ahead. but find out why it hasnt been paid, when it will be paid and set a penalty if it isnt paid within a month at most.

good luck to u, really feel for ur position. and trust me, ppl respect u more if u let loose and get angry sometimes, they know ur boundaries and are more likely to listen to u and not take offense if u dont turn it into personal slags. dont be afraid to stand up to ppl

Affable

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

Lately ive realised that i am too easy of a pushover and need help in standing up for myself. It might have something to do with the fact i was bullied all through school, im not sure. Here are a few instances.

I rent an apartment with one of my friends. The monthly rent comes out of my account, and whenever i ask him for his share he seems to make up some excuse that he'll have it in a few days. I am too nice natured to be persistent in asking him for the money so i just let it slide and say, "give it to me when you can", despite the fact that more often then not i need the money badly.

This has been the case with another friend. This time last year he returned from travelling around the world and was broke. I ended up giving him a lend of 800 euro and he promised he'd give it back within a month. He then got a well paying job and despite me asking for my money back,he always had an excuse and just thought he could blow me off. Which he could, because i didnt have the backbone to demand my money back which i gave him in good faith.

Another incident which is a common occurence where i live is if there is a party on. I work 9 -5 mon-fri, and my housemate works at the weekends. Most weeks there is always a party midweek. The last one went on with music blaring until 7 30, i got up at 7 45 having gotten no sleep, as my room is adjacent to the sitting room, to find people passed out all over the house. I was lying in bed througout the night wanting to kill these people, but i just couldnt get the nerve to go in and demand they shut up or get out. I just let it slide.

I just want to know how can i be better at standing up for myself and not be allowed to be walked allover because thats i reputation im going to have if i already dont.

Thanks, all help greatly appreciated.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I've let **** go with flatmates, not because I was being to nice, but just because I hadn't analyse it and was in a world of my own. Maybe you just weren't thinking. I don't know if thewy are consciously taking liberties, other peeps are maybe being to ocynical there.

Affable

To be honest it isn't too pleasant to always be on your guard acting like others are testing the waters and seeing how if they can push you, like you have to beat them down, as sometimes that might be paranoia and stop you actually enjoying anything(I tend towards this mentality)on the other hand you do need to know when to say enough is enough when it's necessary. So it's hard to find a balance and to know when you're judging things right.

allandanyways

Your flatmate sounds like a pr1ck first of all. I live with my rents so can't really offer living situation advice but I can say this much:

I was a complete pushover for most of my school years. I did whatever other people wanted me to do, whether it was paying for other people into cinemas or for meals or whatever to taking the blame for being caught with drink when we were 15 (and I hadn't even been drinking). I had absolutley zero self confidence and just let all the "ah sure allandanyways will do it for us" slide and figured that if I said anything that went against what my "friends" wanted me to do, people would think I was a b1tch etc etc

People are so surprised when you get a bit of backbone and stand up to them, even if it's fake confidence for the sake of your money.. I had to stand up to one of my "closest" friends not so long ago and tell them to stop telling me that I didn't deserve to be happy with my OH because she couldn't get a boyfriend (she's 20, you'd think she'd be more mature...) and that I was basically a failure (because she's musically gifted and I'm not). I'll never forget the look on her face the day I stood up to her and told her to shut the fcuk up and do something about her life instead of giving out about mine. Tbh, I was shaking and felt sick the entire time but OP, you've got to know when enough is enough.

You CAN stand up to your flatmate/your friend who you lent the money to. You don't have to be super confident, especially cos like me, you were bullied through school and it can be really hard to find the voice to disagree with people when you couldn't disagree with the bullies or they'd just bully you more, that kind of mentality stays with you. I'm by no means super-confident and ready to tell people what I think of them all the time, but I know when enough is enough. You can be nice OP, but you have to know where to draw the line, every human being deserves more than to be treated like a doormat-ATM...

Best of luck x

Nervous Wreck

The root of the problem seems to be that you're afraid to be disliked. You allow yourself to be walked over because you think it's better than nothing. If you weren't so worried about people liking you (and seeing you as being reliable etc), you would've jumped outta your bed and ended the party with a scream. You would've told your mate you'd no money to give him and he should ask his parents. You'd demand the rent or tell your housemate he can pack his bags. Doesn't really sound like an issue of confidence, it sounds like an issue of fear (which is practically the same thing but just manifesting in a different way for you).

What you need to realise is that you can flip out at a friend, or a friend can flip out at you, and at the end of it, you'll still have a friendship. It doesn't have to be a case of "ditch your roommate, he's obv a jerk!". Just sit him down and say "Look, we're mates but this has to stop. Cut yer ****." and that's that. THEN, you need to apply that same logic to other parts of your life where you feel overwhelmed at the idea of confrontation. Sorting this one thing out with your roommate could lead to a really positive, healthy change is practically every aspect of your social life from then on.