[Req] Recession Jokes

FrCrilly

Hi All,

I’m putting together a list of recession jokes. Here’s what I have found so far. If you know one not mentioned, feel free to share.

Thanks In Advance for All Responses

What is the difference between a banker and a bank robber? One wears a balaclava!

How do you know an optimistic banker? He irons five shirts on a Sunday evening!

Definition of a nervous wreck: a man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend.... and they're all a month late!

Did you hear in Kerry they think the Credit Crunch is a new breakfast cereal!

A man is stuck on the M50 in traffic when a garda knocks on his window.
Man: 'Whats going on?,' asks the driver.
Garda: 'Pensioners have kidnapped Cowen, Lenihan, Harney and a bunch of bankers and are going to douse them wit petrol and set them alight unless they get 30 million ransom, I am going from car to car taking a collection'.
Man: 'How much is everyone giving on average' asks the man.
Garda: 'About a gallon' replies the garda...
I went to ATM to get cash. The ATM said that I had insufficient funds. I still don't know if it's me or the bank?
A surgeon in Scotland operated on a man and had him back to work within five months, a surgeon in England operated on a woman and had her back to work in three months. We put an idiot from Offally in the Dáil for six months and he has the whole country out of work.

Credit Crunch - A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's and the man picks up a crate of Stella beer and sticks it in the trolley.
Wife: "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband: "They're on offer, 10 quid for 24 cans" he says,
Wife: "Put them back we can't afford it"
They carry on shopping and a few aisles down the wife picks up a 20 quid jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
Husband: "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife: "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"
Husband: "So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price!"

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their names and what their father did for a living. The first little girl said my name is Mary and my Dad is a postman. The next child said my name Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. And so on it went. Until one little boy said my name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay bar. The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked is your Dad really a dancer in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said no. He's really a bank manager. I am just too embarrassed to tell anyone.

The Americans have Barack Obama, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder. We have Brian Cowen, No Cash, No Hope and No Bloody Wonder!

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The cars been repossessed.

Three doctors are discussing their country's medical achievements.
Germany doctor: We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 8 months.
Indian doctor: We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in six months.
Irish doctor: We took an asshole out of Offaly, put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in three months!

Brian Cowen has made an announcement “We regret that due to Government cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel is to be switched off”.

Recession is worse than divorce, you lose half your fortune but you’re still married.

aidan_walsh

This joke is so poor it doesn't even have a punchline.

fobster

I got a great bonus today...












...I got keep my job!




I've taken to eating like a cow to cutback on food expenses...











...I'm chewing anything I could.



Due to cutbacks...














...these terrible jokes do not have tumbleweeds.





Work held a table quiz last night...















...The winning team got to keep their jobs.











With the recession management has decided the method of salary payment should be in line with the old times...












...I got paid a bag of salt.

gerTheGreat

Gold-Dust - Gervais Style!

























NOW BACK TO WORK!!

Zadkiel

I think this qualifies as a recession joke...


Moral Dilemma

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an
honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:


You are in Ireland, Dublin to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a Irish Daily Mail, and you're caught
in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Brian Cowen! You notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options:

You can save the life of Brian Cowen, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most
powerful men!


THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

>
>
>
>






Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

crocadile dunde

How do ye get ur palm read for free?



Ye finger a fortune teller when she is in her flowers.:D:D:D

Eglinton

crocadile dunde wrote: »

How do ye get ur palm read for free?



Ye finger a fortune teller when she is in her flowers.:D:D:D

FrCrilly

Here's some more I have found:

A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volitility worried him.

The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.

“Really?!?” replied the customer.

“Absolutely,” said the broker, “I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”

The credit crunch has really helped me get back on my feet.. The car's been repossessed.

I went to my bank manager the other day and said to him, "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?" "Simple" said the bank manager. "Buy a big one and wait".

Caller to a radio station: "Thanks to my financial adviser, I now have a small fortune".
Presenter : "That's interesting, tell me more" (Pause)..... Caller: "Mind you, I started off with a large fortune....."

I was talking to my bank manager, Mr. Evans, last week and he said to me: "From now on, be careful with you money, just concentrate on the big issues".
Met him outside a shop today and he sold me a copy.

I had a cheque returned yesterday. "Insufficient Funds". Mine or the bank's?

FrCrilly

Here's more:



What's the difference between a Pigeon & a Banker?
A Pigeon can still leave a deposit on a BMW



The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it?
I mean, I let my brother borrow e10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now the countrys third biggest lender

Q: What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
A: They both have frozen assets

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, " ... and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"

Q: Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.

He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.

LordDorington

FrCrilly wrote: »

Hi All,

I’m putting together a list of recession jokes. Here’s what I have found so far. If you know one not mentioned, feel free to share.

Thanks In Advance for All Responses

What is the difference between a banker and a bank robber? One wears a balaclava!

How do you know an optimistic banker? He irons five shirts on a Sunday evening!

Definition of a nervous wreck: a man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend.... and they're all a month late!

Did you hear in Kerry they think the Credit Crunch is a new breakfast cereal!

A man is stuck on the M50 in traffic when a garda knocks on his window.
Man: 'Whats going on?,' asks the driver.
Garda: 'Pensioners have kidnapped Cowen, Lenihan, Harney and a bunch of bankers and are going to douse them wit petrol and set them alight unless they get 30 million ransom, I am going from car to car taking a collection'.
Man: 'How much is everyone giving on average' asks the man.
Garda: 'About a gallon' replies the garda...
I went to ATM to get cash. The ATM said that I had insufficient funds. I still don't know if it's me or the bank?
A surgeon in Scotland operated on a man and had him back to work within five months, a surgeon in England operated on a woman and had her back to work in three months. We put an idiot from Offally in the Dáil for six months and he has the whole country out of work.

Credit Crunch - A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's and the man picks up a crate of Stella beer and sticks it in the trolley.
Wife: "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband: "They're on offer, 10 quid for 24 cans" he says,
Wife: "Put them back we can't afford it"
They carry on shopping and a few aisles down the wife picks up a 20 quid jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
Husband: "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife: "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"
Husband: "So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price!"

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their names and what their father did for a living. The first little girl said my name is Mary and my Dad is a postman. The next child said my name Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. And so on it went. Until one little boy said my name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay bar. The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked is your Dad really a dancer in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said no. He's really a bank manager. I am just too embarrassed to tell anyone.

The Americans have Barack Obama, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder. We have Brian Cowen, No Cash, No Hope and No Bloody Wonder!

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The cars been repossessed.

Three doctors are discussing their country's medical achievements.
Germany doctor: We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in 8 months.
Indian doctor: We took a lung out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in six months.
Irish doctor: We took an asshole out of Offaly, put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in three months!

Brian Cowen has made an announcement “We regret that due to Government cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel is to be switched off”.

Recession is worse than divorce, you lose half your fortune but you’re still married.

Brilliant, thanks for brightening up the day a little

sam34

the sexual position the 69 has been renamed the 96.

due to the recession teh cost of eating out has gone up

dh0661

sam34 wrote: »

the sexual position the 69 has been renamed the 96.

Prefer the 99 myself - it's got a flake in it :rolleyes:

ardmacha

What do you call Bob the Builder in a recession?

Bob.

_SONIC_

crocadile dunde wrote: »

How do ye get ur palm read for free?



Ye finger a fortune teller when she is in her flowers.:D:D:D

huh??

im guessing thats unapropriate !!

Genghiz Cohen

Palm read = palm red, I believe.

_SONIC_

oh yeah i copped that!!!

thanks genghis but i could have done it without you!!lol