After 8 years - what to feel?

LegacyUser

looking for advice / ideas/ experiences.

I'm with O/H 8 years. Living toghether 1 year.
Only serious relationship i have had, only person i have loved/ cared about or anything.

At weekend O/h said "I dont know how i feel im this relationship anymore, i dont know if im happy to continue".
Im distressed to say the least.
While we have become used to eachother due to living arrangement, and o/h works nights while i do day shift.
Only time toghether is some time during evening.

I generally sleep alone, as o/h is working, and vice versa.

Basically o/h said "there is no passion left".
Root of problem it seems to be. I'm not sure what to do, say, feel.
o/h said "i want someone who will dote on me, be totally into me" all that. It sounded to be completely physically. Nothing else.
Im not needy, or clingy, and while the love and devotion are there, i dont think thats in my character.
this is 8 years on... while o/h got what they wanted to get physically after that conversation, my feelings haven't changed.
Im very stressed about it.... what to think?

Beruthiel

considerate wrote: »

Basically o/h said "there is no passion left".
Root of problem it seems to be. I'm not sure what to do, say, feel.
o/h said "i want someone who will dote on me, be totally into me" all that. It sounded to be completely physically. Nothing else.

What has s/he done to show they dote on you?
Because any longterm relationship requires work from both sides.
Does your o/h get that? If they don't they are in for quite the shock.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

What has s/he done to show they dote on you?
Because any longterm relationship requires work from both sides.
Does your o/h get that? If they don't they are in for quite the shock.

Well, i know that the love & commitment is there, i dont need or want to be doted on - im far too independant for needy-ness or clingyness.
While we are both making an effort, it just feels a bit difficult to hear that im not doing enough etc.
And that my physical apperance doesn't do for much for o/h unless i've made an effort. I'm not appealing after work.....

While life has continued as if that conversation hasn't happened, i cant forget how it made me feel...

Joey the lips

You poor lady I assume you are a lady......


Every relationship comes to this point I think your o/h is just venting how he feels and its prob due to the economic stresses on you at the moment.

Honestly your in a little trouble. Book a night or 2 in a local hotel. Leave the kid with you family. Arrive in the evening. Bring a bottle of sparkleing wine or dearer if you have got the m oney. Run a bath and the both of you climb in and talk about nothing. When you first me, what the weather was like. When you used to walk home from the pub in the rain. etc absol nothing.... Just talk, Then go down to dinner and buy something different that you usually dont. Sample each others food and enjoy each others company. Then when your finished go for a long walk even if its raining. Just walk wrap up so you are warm give yourself a point or time. Then when you get back have a drink in the bar, I would suggest you dont get drunk. Then head up to bed and order room service. Pick the menu together. If there is a film on lie on him or other way around and laugh. Then in the morning have breakfast and have another long bath or shower.

Do this even if money is tight. Make time to discover yourselves.

Beruthiel

Joey is correct.
Effort has to be made.
The odd restaurant or weekend away helps to remind you both why ye are together.

Loopy

Joey the lips wrote: »

You poor lady I assume you are a lady......


Every relationship comes to this point I think your o/h is just venting how he feels and its prob due to the economic stresses on you at the moment.

Honestly your in a little trouble. Book a night or 2 in a local hotel. Leave the kid with you family. Arrive in the evening. Bring a bottle of sparkleing wine or dearer if you have got the m oney. Run a bath and the both of you climb in and talk about nothing. When you first me, what the weather was like. When you used to walk home from the pub in the rain. etc absol nothing.... Just talk, Then go down to dinner and buy something different that you usually dont. Sample each others food and enjoy each others company. Then when your finished go for a long walk even if its raining. Just walk wrap up so you are warm give yourself a point or time. Then when you get back have a drink in the bar, I would suggest you dont get drunk. Then head up to bed and order room service. Pick the menu together. If there is a film on lie on him or other way around and laugh. Then in the morning have breakfast and have another long bath or shower.

Do this even if money is tight. Make time to discover yourselves.

What kid

Good advice though above - after 8 years it dosen't just flow you have to work hard at it.. The passion definitely filters out - Joey the lips knows what he's talking about by the sounds of it..

Oh The Humanity

considerate wrote: »

Basically o/h said "there is no passion left".
Root of problem it seems to be. I'm not sure what to do, say, feel.

8 years and seperate beds OP, your other half is probably going mad with boredom and frustration.
What to do? Ramp up the exitement any way you can, if you have let your appearance go sort it out, personal grooming, (teeth clean and sorted by dentist) tip tip cleanliness, keep your weight in check, lose what you need to, look at your wardrobe, are you dressing boringly/older than your age? Are you permanently in a track suit, if so, get rid. Sex up your wardrobe a bit, sort out your hair, basically look at every aspect of yourself physically and ask yourself -would you fancy you if you never saw you before! Take action!

What to say? Tell your partner you hear them, you are listening to them and you understand them, if anything they are saying confuses you, ask them to explain it out using some examples. Dont then immediately get defensive. Give your self time to take it in and think it over properly.

What to feel? Well, you are going to feel a bit hurt but its good they have come to you and told you there are problems, at least now you know and you can do something about them.

o/h said "i want someone who will dote on me, be totally into me" all that. It sounded to be completely physically. Nothing else.

Well, most people need to feel desired physically by their partner, that is a requirement for a relationship. To underestimate the physical is a mistake.

Im not needy, or clingy, and while the love and devotion are there, i dont think thats in my character.

OP with respect though its not all about how you are or whats in your character. It sounds like your partners needs are more physical than yours and they are not being met. She (maybe he) is telling you this now, this is a warning sign, you would do well to heed it.

this is 8 years on... while o/h got what they wanted to get physically after that conversation,

So you threw her (or him) a bone if you'll escuse the pun, not really good enough OP, if your other half is not satisfied physically and you dont feel its in your character to maintain a loving physical relationship well, the writing is on the wall.

my feelings haven't changed. Im very stressed about it.... what to think?

Feelings havent changed about what? Do you mean you dont want to put the effort in physically going forward?

If not you should let her (or him) go.

kaa

ya joey is right. relationships take work on both sides.

but maybe it's the fact that ye bearly see each other with you working days and the o/h working nights.

maybe ye should try to spend more time together and have romantic nights in or out. or something ye both enjoy.

LegacyUser

Joey the lips wrote: »

You poor lady I assume you are a lady......


Every relationship comes to this point I think your o/h is just venting how he feels and its prob due to the economic stresses on you at the moment.

Honestly your in a little trouble. Book a night or 2 in a local hotel. Leave the kid with you family. Arrive in the evening. Bring a bottle of sparkleing wine or dearer if you have got the m oney. Run a bath and the both of you climb in and talk about nothing. When you first me, what the weather was like. When you used to walk home from the pub in the rain. etc absol nothing.... Just talk, Then go down to dinner and buy something different that you usually dont. Sample each others food and enjoy each others company. Then when your finished go for a long walk even if its raining. Just walk wrap up so you are warm give yourself a point or time. Then when you get back have a drink in the bar, I would suggest you dont get drunk. Then head up to bed and order room service. Pick the menu together. If there is a film on lie on him or other way around and laugh. Then in the morning have breakfast and have another long bath or shower.

Do this even if money is tight. Make time to discover yourselves.

There are no kids, and we often go out for restaurants.
Often get into the bath and talk about nothing important..
See, im doing these little gestures... im actually quite thoughtful..

Oh The Humanity

bewildered2 wrote: »

There are no kids, and we often go out for restaurants.
Often get into the bath and talk about nothing important..
See, im doing these little gestures... im actually quite thoughtful..

Thats all very well OP baths, love and devotion are lovely, if the person isn't getting their bones jumped on a regular basis, baths and chats are not gonna cut it.....

Beruthiel

bewildered2 wrote: »

There are no kids, and we often go out for restaurants.
Often get into the bath and talk about nothing important..
See, im doing these little gestures... im actually quite thoughtful..

Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse then.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

8 years and seperate beds OP, your other half is probably going mad with boredom and frustration.
What to do? Ramp up the exitement any way you can, if you have let your appearance go sort it out, personal grooming, (teeth clean and sorted by dentist) tip tip cleanliness, keep your weight in check, lose what you need to, look at your wardrobe, are you dressing boringly/older than your age? Are you permanently in a track suit, if so, get rid. Sex up your wardrobe a bit, sort out your hair, basically look at every aspect of yourself physically and ask yourself -would you fancy you if you never saw you before! Take action!

Not separate beds, differant living hours.... by my o/h's chice might i add. Being that o/h dictates own working hours, i cinsider it unfair on me. i've let it be known if i wanted to sleep alone i woulda stayed at home.
As for apperance, im slim, only wear a tracksuit to the gym, all my jeans are fitting me well if you get me, im alright looking even without any cosmetics. I dress my age, i dress up at weekends, my hair is always done.... i'm in good shape, as i am , and im still going to the gym to get fitter.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

What to say? Tell your partner you hear them, you are listening to them and you understand them, if anything they are saying confuses you, ask them to explain it out using some examples. Dont then immediately get defensive. Give your self time to take it in and think it over properly.

I didn't immediatly get defensive at all, i listen and just accepted as o/h said they didnt know if they wanna be with me anymore - i even said thank you for your honesty... im being understanding..

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

What to feel? Well, you are going to feel a bit hurt but its good they have come to you and told you there are problems, at least now you know and you can do something about them.

Yes i can, however, at weekend i said i no longer want to sleep alone, i want o/h there beside me - and have went to bed alone every night since. Where is the consideration for what i say i need? How can i feel close to o/h when o/h chooses to do own thing anyway..

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Well, most people need to feel desired physically by their partner, that is a requirement for a relationship. To underestimate the physical is a mistake.

yes, however, i feel like there is no affection or physical contact other than sex.. and i want to affectionate embraces that dont always have to go any further.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

So you threw her (or him) a bone if you'll escuse the pun, not really good enough OP, if your other half is not satisfied physically and you dont feel its in your character to maintain a loving physical relationship well, the writing is on the wall.

I feel its not in my character to dote on o/h all the time. I am very independant, and very giving... the loving physical relationship doesn't meet my emotional needs., maybe thats my problem...

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Feelings havent changed about what? Do you mean you dont want to put the effort in physically going forward?

If not you should let her (or him) go.

I try, i dont "nag" for a better word, i'm not possesive, jealous, manipulative or anything. I always try to do what i can for o/h, as much as i can...

Joey the lips

bewildered2 wrote: »

There are no kids, and we often go out for restaurants.
Often get into the bath and talk about nothing important..
See, im doing these little gestures... im actually quite thoughtful..

Oh I am sorry I did not think you were unthoughtful have you considered writing him a note to tell him how you feel about him????

Oh The Humanity

Ok Im bewildered now too!

Apologies! I totally got the wrong end of the stick, so the person is just giving you wham-bam-thank-you-Mams with no cuddles or closeness and has you sleeping in a bed alone due to their chosen working hours.....

Also it sounds like you live somewhere else and just come there to them all the time?
After 8 years, it sounds unbalanced really.

Also, you are at pains to point out that you are independant and not needy. Thats great, but you shouldn't have to feel there is something wrong with wanting closeness and affection...I hope Im getting this right, your posts are a lil bit cryptic...

The oh says the passion is fading and they are not satisfying you emotionally, are they just using you then.....the balance of power seems to be with them?

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Ok Im bewildered now too!

Apologies! I totally got the wrong end of the stick, so the person is just giving you wham-bam-thank-you-Mams with no cuddles or closeness and has you sleeping in a bed alone due to their chosen working hours.....

Also it sounds like you live somewhere else and just come there to them all the time?
After 8 years, it sounds unbalanced really.

Also, you are at pains to point out that you are independant and not needy. Thats great, but you shouldn't have to feel there is something wrong with wanting closeness and affection...I hope Im getting this right, your posts are a lil bit cryptic...

The oh says the passion is fading and they are not satisfying you emotionally, are they just using you then.....the balance of power seems to be with them?

Thats it, love o/h to pieces, my best friend and everything.. but thats it - the whole thing seems to be on their terms.
i had been living at home, we got a place toghether. I had pushed for it as after 7 years (at that time) we either started to have a proper relationship or i was walking away. I had been very patient to that point.
Any yes your right, while i am very independant, i want to just be cuddled also...
we do cuddle a bit, but i dunno. I just feel its all on o/h's terms, and i dont know how i feel about it.

LegacyUser

A week after 1st discussion ,

yesterday evening o/h freaked out at me while i was preparing dinner. Over what i was puttin on to eat. freaked out.
So i just said 'im no longer hungry, either cook it yourself or go hungry' and i left the building. Kinda p*ssed off, trying to do something nice for both of us, and this is what i get.

O/h never rang or text all night to say 'i over-reacted about the dinner, sorry bout that'
More so, never even came home last night.

Im soooo upset and annoyed.