Sexless Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I posted a thread here a while ago about how my boyfriend was no longer interested in sex. I took posters advice and talked to him about it, we've had several discussions about it and it's going nowhere. I'm at my wits end, we love each other to bits but he just has no interest. He has assured me that he still fancies me (we've been together 2 years), he's not interested in anyone else and that he's just not in the mood.
I don't want to pressure him as that will make things worse and it will go from once every 6 weeks to not at all.
I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and how they dealt with it? He's so affectionate in every other way and is always kissing and hugging me. I find it frustrating, especially when we're so good in every other way and I take it personally when we're cuddling in bed at night and he gets physically aroused and still doesn't want to have sex with me.
Sorry for the lost post, are any other posters in the same situtation?

LegacyUser

Used to be OP, but not any more. I am sorry to hear things got no better, but glad you talked to him about it.

I was able to everntually get mine to talk about it too and like that, he would always promise to change but never did.

I had to break up with him in the end and I never got to the bottom of the problem, he wasn't gay, in a way I would have understood that.

He didn't want to break up and although he used to go along with our conversations about it, I dont think it was really a problem for him as such, he expected the relationship to continue without sex, claimed he was still attracted to me etc

It was confusing and I can empathise with you, its really hard being in love with someone who has no interest in sex.

I would say to you, dont get engaged or buy a gaff or anything like that with him, be very wary of him trapping you into any sort of commitment, because it can be extremely difficult to get away from this type of sexless relationship. Reason is the sexless one knows they will have trouble finding someone else who will accept this.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and how they dealt with it? He's so affectionate in every other way and is always kissing and hugging me. I find it frustrating, especially when we're so good in every other way and I take it personally when we're cuddling in bed at night and he gets physically aroused and still doesn't want to have sex with me.
Sorry for the lost post, are any other posters in the same situtation?

Wow... I find this really baffling. OP, I don't blame you for taking this personally, if I was with a guy who was clearly aroused but didn't want to do anything about it I'd be wondering what was wrong with me.

But seeing as he is aroused by you, this is clearly not your fault... it's his issue. If you've talked to him and he hasn't made an effort to change, I'm not sure there's much of a future for you two. Either you need to accept taht sex won't be a part of your relationship, or you need to end it.

Joey the lips

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,
I posted a thread here a while ago about how my boyfriend was no longer interested in sex. I took posters advice and talked to him about it, we've had several discussions about it and it's going nowhere. I'm at my wits end, we love each other to bits but he just has no interest. He has assured me that he still fancies me (we've been together 2 years), he's not interested in anyone else and that he's just not in the mood.
I don't want to pressure him as that will make things worse and it will go from once every 6 weeks to not at all.
I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and how they dealt with it? He's so affectionate in every other way and is always kissing and hugging me. I find it frustrating, especially when we're so good in every other way and I take it personally when we're cuddling in bed at night and he gets physically aroused and still doesn't want to have sex with me.
Sorry for the lost post, are any other posters in the same situtation?

Hi Unregistered, I should log out and come in as a guest but what the hell.
I was like this for a while with my wife, She was my girlfriend at the time. I have not been reading the advice you got but hopefully as a man and my personel perspective this will help. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask anything direct I am not an agony aunt but I will be honest.

I was going through a bad time in work. The boss was a very abusive man kept on shouting at me swearing etc would tell me to do something then deny it. The usual. I would come home very stressed but avoid telling my moth as she had her own problems and I did not want to tell her.

I did not notice my appitite subside but slowly it did. Why did I not notice? Cause I still thought the page 3 ladies were fine looking and plus I still got physical signs in my body " Rising to the occassion" as such. But I found I could not sleep I found I could not concentrate and although I loved the moth I just wanted her there not in my face!

Any way she asked me the story " Why are'nt you jumping on me" lol I could not explain why!! I just had no interest. I dont know if other men agree but just because the little man rises to the occasion does not mean you want it. Even though we always generally do cause as a rule if your getting it take it!

It may not be you it may not be anything you are doing but there is things you can do. Most fella's ( Back me up lads if your reading) like to chase so dont pester. Dress suductivly but where a long gown that way her knows what your wearing but knows he cant get near you. If he has a fav perfume wear it every friday just as hormones are good at the start of the weekend and lastly buy yourself a rabbit. At least he will know your getting what you want. He might even get a thrill at you pleasing yourself

I have since passed this and now am the opposite. I pity you dearly but please bear in mind if he is no longer interested in you it is better you know sooner rather than later!

Best of luck

John Mason

i was in the same situation

end up having to finish with him.

never knew what happened but i am still not 100% sure he wasnt gay

MagicMarker

He's clearly got some kind of psychological problem, or even physical (phimosis causing pain maybe?).

But you two are not gonna get anywhere if he doesn't face up to his problems. Personally, I'd be of the opinion that you need to go your separate ways until he wants to sort it out, if he ever does.

calahans

As someone posted the fact that he is getting aroused means that its not that he is going through a "bad patch" or some kind of performance issue. Maybe there is something bigger going on his life that is upsetting him?

kaa

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,
I posted a thread here a while ago about how my boyfriend was no longer interested in sex. I took posters advice and talked to him about it, we've had several discussions about it and it's going nowhere. I'm at my wits end, we love each other to bits but he just has no interest. He has assured me that he still fancies me (we've been together 2 years), he's not interested in anyone else and that he's just not in the mood.
I don't want to pressure him as that will make things worse and it will go from once every 6 weeks to not at all.
I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation and how they dealt with it? He's so affectionate in every other way and is always kissing and hugging me. I find it frustrating, especially when we're so good in every other way and I take it personally when we're cuddling in bed at night and he gets physically aroused and still doesn't want to have sex with me.
Sorry for the lost post, are any other posters in the same situtation?

it is kind of a weird situation alright especially because it is a man not wanting sex. i know it would make you feel he is not interested but he is showing love in other areas. and i know sex is just one thing but evernyone has needs for it.

maybe sex it sore for him r sumthing. please don't take this in the wrong way!!! maybe spicing things up like role play, using cream and syrup for foreplay or different postions in different places might get things back to normal.

i really don't know what to say because it is weird situation to be in.

hope everything works out for you.

Miss Fluff

shellyboo wrote: »

But seeing as he is aroused by you, this is clearly not your fault... it's his issue. If you've talked to him and he hasn't made an effort to change, I'm not sure there's much of a future for you two. Either you need to accept taht sex won't be a part of your relationship, or you need to end it.

Yes this is his issue. You've discussed it with him and he seems unable to change it. It's up to you now whether you can stay happy in a sexless relationship. Personally I think sex is one of the core elements of any loving relationship and nobody should have to "make do" without getting their jollies tbh.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here,

Thanks for the replies, it all seems to be veering in the same direction of breaking up but I'm just not ready to live without him yet. Everything else is fantastic, it's just this one area.
Kaa - I've trised spicing things up and gotten nowhere. He has no fantasties, nothing he's interested in trying, nothing so don't really know what to do in that area...

Joey The Lips - I've backed off from iniating sex because being told he's not in the mood is a horrible feeling, you can't help but feel rejected. And at this stage he knows I'm pleasing myself!

I'm just leaving it most of the time and trying hard not to make digs about it...I get chatted up by other guys a fair bit (twice when we were out together!) but I don't want to be with anyone else. The lack of sex though really makes me feel unattractive and ugly even though he assures me this isn't the case.

I suppose deep down I know we're going to end up breaking up because of this, I guess I'm just not ready for that yet and was hoping someone out there had the magic solution! Our sex life used to be amazing. Now it's a once every six weeks 5 minute missionary job

starchild

hi op. Its probably not going to help a lot but it may be that your partner is somewhat like this

there are actually a fair few men out there who for them sex isnt that important

i am male & speaking for myself i have had times in my life when sex was plentiful & varied but i can also go long periods of time without sex & honestly it doesnt even cross my mind

i will say that when i personally was in a relationship i did want sex regularly but having said that i know of 2 blokes who are more than happy with their partners but sex is more of a chore for them than a want

there is nothing wrong with the ladies involved (both young good looking) , the guys are in early thirties it seems to be that it is just not as high on their list as it once was

i guess we all change as years go by some in different ways to others

im probably after rambling a bit there but the point id really like to make is that you should not take this as a personal rejection, its highly likely that he loves you more than anything but his sex drive is just not what it was


i really hope it all works out for you

popecatapetal

I know it's not gospel, but in one episode of "Private Practice", a patient (male) had no interest in sex, and it turned out to be some sort of hormonal imbalance - maybe he should get his hormone levels checked out? I know it might be a bit embarrassing to say to a doctor that you're not interested in sex anymore, but it could help - it's not always psychological.

Joey the lips

Hi I am sorry I hope it improves your right to notice that the WHOLE relationshp is important.

If all else fails refere him to this thread and let him see how you feel or write him a not tell him not to reply and not to speak to you just to understand how you feel...

Good luck!

Gone Drinking

I'd say he's either **** furiously, or sleeping behind your back and he doesn't want you to realise that when his penis cries cum like a mouse

Could be anything of course, i'm just guessing

Beruthiel

Gone Drinking wrote: »

I'd say he's either **** furiously, or sleeping behind your back and he doesn't want you to realise that when his penis cries cum like a mouse

Could be anything of course, i'm just guessing

Could you please refrain from posting until you have something helpful to add to the thread.
B

LegacyUser

OP again, thanks for all the replies. I guess the situation isn't going away anytime soon but it's good to get some other opinions on it.

Starchild - it's interesting how your friends are in their early 30's and no interest, my OH is in the same age bracket so I wonder if it's common.

He won't go to the doc, I know that myself. I doubt it's hormones, if anything it could be that it's just the way he is. I guess I don't understand how it can go from great to nothing in a matter of months, it's been like this for the last 8 months at this stage and the only problem area that we have. It just happens to be a big problem area!

bluecell99

Hi there,

I have heard of this happening in relationships and,as others have said,it may be just a change with comes with age.In many cases it happens to the female partner as well and they cant understand why the other half is still interested in sex.

It boils down to whether you can live in a sexless situation or almost sexless.Only you can make that decision and clearly its not easy as you have so much together in other ways.

To me it sounds that your partner does not want to change and is content to let things carry on this way.Physical arousing tends to eliminate a hormonal problem generally in men.So they say anyway.So its obvious he wants to exclude full intimacy.

While its tru that many people have different "sex-drives" compromise can usually be found in a relationship.The alarm bells are going off for me here in your case and I sympathise.

Mrs Cole

Hi OP,

I'm in my late Twenties, and my husband is in his late thirties. Were together 8 years, we have one child, and married 6 months....and I am having exactly the same problem as you. He has absolutely no interest, and this has been going on about 4 years now. Were married 6 months now, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times that he's come near me since then...... not your normal newlyweds. I was hoping that when we got married we would go through the newlywed phase of being all over eachother. How wrong was I??

At the end of the day, I love my husband, and I had to decide whether sex was more important that the relationship we have outside the bedroom, and to be honest, its not. Its just a small factor in the relationship. I would much rather be with someone who makes me laugh, who I enjoy spending time with, and who is my best friend in the whole world, than be with an ass who is a nympho.

I suppose, you have to weigh it up.... whats more important?

How old are you both? How long are you together? I wouldnt recommend breaking up over sex.

shellyboo

Mrs Cole wrote: »

I would much rather be with someone who makes me laugh, who I enjoy spending time with, and who is my best friend in the whole world, than be with an ass who is a nympho.

I suppose, you have to weigh it up.... whats more important?

How old are you both? How long are you together? I wouldnt recommend breaking up over sex.

But you can have both... so why settle? The OP deserves to have both.

LegacyUser

Mrs Cole wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm in my late Twenties, and my husband is in his late thirties. Were together 8 years, we have one child, and married 6 months....and I am having exactly the same problem as you. He has absolutely no interest, and this has been going on about 4 years now. Were married 6 months now, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times that he's come near me since then...... not your normal newlyweds. I was hoping that when we got married we would go through the newlywed phase of being all over eachother. How wrong was I??

At the end of the day, I love my husband, and I had to decide whether sex was more important that the relationship we have outside the bedroom, and to be honest, its not. Its just a small factor in the relationship. I would much rather be with someone who makes me laugh, who I enjoy spending time with, and who is my best friend in the whole world, than be with an ass who is a nympho.

I suppose, you have to weigh it up.... whats more important?

How old are you both? How long are you together? I wouldnt recommend breaking up over sex.

Hi OP here,

I'm in my late twenties and he's in his 30's (there's 10 years in the difference). I just can't help but think that if he loved me as much as he says he does then he'd want to show it physically and we wouldn't be in this situation. He's happy with the way things are and he knows I'd like it more (I'd be happy with twice a month).

Oh The Humanity

Mrs Cole wrote: »

I wouldnt recommend breaking up over sex.

With respect though, the OP has already indicated that living without sex would be a problem for her. I think it would be a mistake to ignore such a huge problem in the relationship.

2 years is still early days and they dont seem to have kids so can still walk away before its too late if things cant get sorted.

I mean hopefully things can change and maybe there is a reason. Could it be he cheated op and is afraid he has a disease and afraid he will pass it to you.

I dont mean to be hurtful obviously, but it would explain why he is getting horny but not actually doing anything....

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, OP here,

Thanks for the replies, it all seems to be veering in the same direction of breaking up but I'm just not ready to live without him yet. Everything else is fantastic, it's just this one area.
Kaa - I've trised spicing things up and gotten nowhere. He has no fantasties, nothing he's interested in trying, nothing so don't really know what to do in that area...

Il get straight to it, there is absolutely no way this guy has no fantasies, simply not possible! Perhaps he doesnt feel that he can tell you because he thinks you might not like it. I often answer the same if my girlfriend asks about mine becuase her's are so cliche and well tame! So i just say nout back in case her jaw drops off! Anyway, thats just me, moving on!

Speaking as a guy i can honestly say stuff like cream etc does absolutely nothing, i might be alone but i would think more visual or verbal stimulus would be just the ticket. Just a suggestion but try going out for a few drinks til you are both quite merry, take it back to the house, either be already dressed ahem 'sexy' or get into something, or nothing! fairly pronto, and in no uncertain terms announce 'fc.uk me', if he doesnt react to that after a few drinks he's dead from the waste down! Might just be the jump start you need.

LegacyUser

OP again,
No we don't have any kids and I can walk away but at the moment I'm choosing not to and to see if things get better. He lost his job 6 months ago and i think he could be a bit depressed. I'm pretty sure he hasn't cheated , he's not like that. I think it's losing his job but he could just be like this. I've never had this in a relationship before, if anything it's been the other way around.
It's good to know other people are or have been in the same situation and how it's been dealt with. As it is I don't want the relationship to end over something like this but I can't continue on the way it is either. I guess it'll sort itself out somehow

LegacyUser

Yep, I'll join this club! Also female, in a relationship 4 years now with an amazing guy and our sex life has been non-existant for about 2 years now. He isn't cheating and he isn't gay, he just has no interest in sex. Spicing things up or going away for weekends (usually the advice given) won't do any good. My fella also has gotten aroused and pushed me off without wanting to finish it.

If you are anything like me you might have done research and this is very very common, much more common than anyone would probably believe. I have read so much about this on the internet and bought books about it but sadly I don't have a solution. I think it's true as someone else said before that you either learn to deal with it or you don't. I am still with my fella and I love him to pieces but I have gotten to the stage in the last few months where I am seriously examining my options. I am 32 btw. My question is will I ever have kids with this person if we don't have sex?

I wonder if you too have gone through the stages - sadness & devastation about what's happening, real anger then acceptance? I know it sounds dramatic but it's a horrible thing to go through!

Btw, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR DOING OR YOUR FAULT so always remember that because you will question it at times. Some girls will make you feel like an ugly sh*t and say they can't understand because their fella is all over them all the time but it's not your problem, it's his.

Good luck x

PCPhoto

OP .... I currently have that problem (no interest in sex)

I have lost my sex drive and as a guy it means I've also lost all confidence in myself.

to be honest I think for me..... its a combination of work , money, and general problems, so maybe your other half has some problems that they have on their mind but dont really want to talk about.

I know my OH couldnt understand why I didnt have any interest and during one of our almost regular public arguements she claimed that I was gay !! (Needless to say I was hurt by the suggestion) - and just incase she's reading this ..... " Hi ! "

I have tonnes of issues (nothing mental in my opinion ...just organisational and financial) and prefer to deal with them myself....I dont need or want anyones help - as I need to understand how and where I went wrong so I dont repeat the mistake or can see if I'm headed in that direction.

In short my advice is talk and ask if everything is ok (hows work, family, any health issues, money issues ? ...let your OH know that you are there if he wants/needs to talk)

Wibbs

Inthisclub wrote: »

If you are anything like me you might have done research and this is very very common, much more common than anyone would probably believe.

I agree. I would say in my own life I have heard more women complain about lack of sex than men and that its a fallacy that it's women who taper off their sexual needs more. Especially after the first couple of years. At the start it's often the men doing the complaining. A guys libido in the mad first year seems to be little indication as to how he'll be in 5 or 10 years. I suppose because of the whole male virility idea, men don't want to come forward and admit it or seek help for it. IMHO it's one of the biggest hidden stresses on many relationships out there.

It could be stress that is causing this. It could also be as others have said a hormonal problem. A drop off in male androgens could be the issue.
I don't now where to start advising where to go if it is that though. It cold be his fitness levels too. Do these guys go to the gym? Are they fit and active in general? Have they suffered erectile problems, which simply puts them off trying?

The research into women's sexual response is on going. I do feel that the research and treatment for men's libido began and ended when viagra hit the market. There is more going on than get hardon, insert. As a few have noted here already.