Single and worried that I'll stay that way...

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

First, a bit of background information. I'm a 22 year old male. I entered into a serious relationship with a girl almost two year ago. We were very compatible on a personal level, and it was absolutely wonderful to experience the intimacy of a highly serious relationship.

That relationship came to an end last September. She was moving abroad and decided that she didn't want to continue our relationship on a long-distance level. I wanted to continue it nonetheless, and was somewhat heartbroken by her decision. I deliberately didn't make any attempts to persuade her to renew the relationship, knowing that it's utterly pointless trying to persuade someone to go out with you if they don't want to.

After only a little time to myself, I reckoned that I should relish my newly-single status. After all, isn't there truly a world of young, single women out there? Aren't there endless opportunites to meet potential partners? Unfortunately, my experiences over the past few months didn't exactly live up to my hopes. I've put myself out there whenever I'm on nights out, and all that I've gotten so far are two drunken scores with girls that I didn't even find attractive. I've even joined up to a few dating sites, have taken care to create an interesting and worthwhile profile, and I've had absolutely no results from this either. I've been proactive, making sure to message people and not just wait for them to come to me. And I'm not sleazy online - I state that I'm looking to get to know someone for a possible relationship, not just looking to hook up with someone.

The complete lack of success on all fronts scares me a little, to be honest. I'm a confident, interesting, intelligent and physically attractive guy. And no, I'm not exaggerating or engaging in self-delusion: I know that technically I'm quite a catch. But the complete lack of success with the opposite sex remains, and I have no explaination for it.

I know this has become a rambling rant; but what I'm asking for is some advice. Is there anything that I could be doing wrong, especially with regard to online dating? I was advised by a friend to try it; he claimed that it was the best way by far to meet up with people nowadays. Are there any guys here who have tried it? And, if so, what were their experiences like? Did you enjoy any success?

Thanks for reading.

Polleta

I can honestly say I have never tried online dating... I prefer meeting people in person...

I think it is possible to meet lots of great young women in Ireland these days. What about through work? THrough your friends? Hobbies?

I've met a guy I'm interested in at the moment through some friends from work.

My last ex I met while pursuing a common interest of travelling.


I'm not sure about how I feel in regards to online dating. I guess it is an avenue I could go down but I wouldn't really know where to start.

Ps. I'm a single female in her 20's

_blank_

dude, you're 22.

I was single the whole of my early and middle twenties.

I'm 29 now and I'm living with my gf who I met about eighteen months ago.

you have nothing to worry about.

Creamy Goodness

Des wrote: »

dude, you're 22.

this is pretty much all that needs to be said on the matter.

if you keep thinking you'll be single forever at that age, then time will fly by and you will be living what you fear.

LegacyUser

I'm a 22 year old female and always thought I'd be single forever. Used to really get me down and unlike you, I was never in any sort of relationship, let alone a serious one. I joined 2 dating sites and started texting a few guys. I didn't quite click with any until last July when I did. 7 months on and we're still together and in love! Just to let you know it does work!! Or at least it can!

LegacyUser

Creamy Goodness wrote: »

this is pretty much all that needs to be said on the matter.

if you keep thinking you'll be single forever at that age, then time will fly by and you will be living what you fear.

Des wrote:

dude, you're 22.

I was single the whole of my early and middle twenties.

I'm 29 now and I'm living with my gf who I met about eighteen months ago.

you have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I know that I'm not exactly over the hill, to say the least! I'm just concerned by the fact that I've really put myself out there over the past 5-6 months to no avail whatsoever.

LegacyUser

Bubblewrap101 wrote: »

I'm a 22 year old female and always thought I'd be single forever. Used to really get me down and unlike you, I was never in any sort of relationship, let alone a serious one. I joined 2 dating sites and started texting a few guys. I didn't quite click with any until last July when I did. 7 months on and we're still together and in love! Just to let you know it does work!! Or at least it can!

That's a lovely story, and I'm glad to hear that it worked for you. But, you see, those guys actually responded to your messages! My problem is that I've had no responses, save from women who, to put it honestly, I did not find attractive in the slightest.

BubbleWrap85

Got a pic? I wouldn't mind a look! Experienced dating siter here!

Wibbs

BubbleWrap85 please keep it in your pants. And please read the charter about off topic posts. Thanks.

star-pants

If you're looking too hard you won't find someone. I found someone when I least expected it. You could join a dance class or amateur dramatics, some non drink related social activity?

BubbleWrap85

Lol sorry Wibbs, seriously though, OP, ifi you want me to have a look at your profile even and see what the craic is? Maybe how you could improve it? Can't tell you what girls in general would look for but could tell you what I was looking for??? PM me if so.

LegacyUser

Polleta wrote: »

I can honestly say I have never tried online dating... I prefer meeting people in person...

I think it is possible to meet lots of great young women in Ireland these days. What about through work? THrough your friends? Hobbies?

I've met a guy I'm interested in at the moment through some friends from work.

My last ex I met while pursuing a common interest of travelling.


I'm not sure about how I feel in regards to online dating. I guess it is an avenue I could go down but I wouldn't really know where to start.

Ps. I'm a single female in her 20's

Oh, it's true that the best place to find potential partners is through work/college/hobbies/friends. I've given it a go, but the women are either taken, or no spark ever develops from it. And the thing is, I'm conscious of not giving off a strong "looking for someone" vibe, as I know it repells. I'm getting to know people just in a relaxed, confident kind of way, but I'm not getting any signs of interest.

cafecolour

Second on the trying to hard - most women can smell desperation (and you don't want the ones that can't). You're 22, you'll be fine - focus on something else for a while.

For online dating sites specifically, I've done a few. I met plenty of nice people who I had no chemistry with. Writing a profile is a skill like writing a CV, it doesn't necessarily reflect the content - ie you might be an excellent line-chef, but if you can't sell yourself properly on the CV, you aren't going to get a job.

It's also easier for people to not give a chance to someone online, I'd say people will reject someone for a single objection easier (oh, he's a smoker, no way), while in person, the force of personal chemistry often dominates.

TomMorgan

Dude,forget about the internet. I know it's the 21st century and all, but would you rather not just wait and meet a real woman in person? Do you really want to meet someone desperate enough to put themselves on an internet dating site?

Also, if it's a relationship you're after, forget about clubs. They're grand for just going out and getting your hoop, but what are the chance you'll just happen to score a girl on a night out who turns out to be clever and smart and compatible with you? Zero is basically the answer there.

Your best bet for meeting women is work/college, through friends, while doing hobbies etc. Have a bit of patience, all good things come to those who wait.

Good luck brother.

cantdecide

OP, I've been in the same boat but in late 20s and not exactly an Adonis and what I'd say is that there are types, myself included, that just aren't cut out for online dating. The people it works for will rave about it but don't take it personal that most won't reply. I think that you're generation aren't as well represented as others, which can't help. At 22, it will also generally be that bit harder to find that something meaningful I suspect you desire...

Patience, grasshopper...

naidheachdair

cantdecide wrote: »

OP, I've been in the same boat but in late 20s and not exactly an Adonis and what I'd say is that there are types, myself included, that just aren't cut out for online dating. The people it works for will rave about it but don't take it personal that most won't reply. I think that you're generation aren't as well represented as others, which can't help. At 22, it will also generally be that bit harder to find that something meaningful I suspect you desire...

Patience, grasshopper...

Whoever wrote the first post here, you're obviously very intelligent and write well. You've got all the "right" ideas about it all, you're not sitting there like so many singles saying "oh, I'm not good enough for these women", but neither are you deluding yourself that intelligent single women will fall into your lap and melt like snowflakes.

But clubs? Bollocks. Internet dating? I don't want to get into a rambling rant about it, but it's the biggest pile o'****e I've ever had the misfortune to get involved with. I think meeting someone online through a more general website like this rather than a specific dating website can work; I met a past partner just through posting on the same work-related discussion group and gossip forum!

But internet dating strikes me as a bit like a bland, grey corporate recruitment process--the sort of thing you'd go through if you were looking for a new accountant rather than a life partner. And there are so many sleazy so-and-sos on the sites just looking for a shag that you really have to work doubly hard to convince women that you're not one of them. And really--just how many profiles of "genuine", "bubbly", "fun loving" blondes who "like going out but also enjoy a night in" do you have to plough through? There don't seem to be the interesting, fun people on them.

I'm twenty-four, and the vast majority of intelligent, interesting people I know are so joined at the hip they'd have to go under the surgeon's knife to be separated while the singles I know are often a little bland. Sometimes it does seem a bit like everybody's "taken", even at our ages. But I think it's more down to there being a dearth of interesting people in the early twenties. Most people our age want something simple--they're not settled in life, they just want someone to be seen with for a few years while they finish college and university courses, make their way through a procession of low-paid starter jobs and possibly move across the country a couple of times.

It's difficult for sensitive people looking for commitment to find one another, I guess. I bet there's an island they all hide on.

cantdecide

naidheachdair wrote: »

It's difficult for sensitive people looking for commitment to find one another, I guess

+1

The Outlander

Hey there! Don't overthink it, you're only 22. You are so young! Get out and enjoy the company of good friends and it will all fall into place when you least expect it. Everyone will tell you same.

You don't need someone else to define who you are or make you happy. If that is the way you look at things, you will be sorely disappointed and people will always let you down.

Even when in a relationship, you must always look out for yourself.

Dudess

OP, why does being single at 22 mean there's a chance you'll be single forever... that you won't meet someone at 24/27/30? Have some perspective.

In my opinion, online dating is a bit of a bridge too far for someone as young as you. Dude, don't be desperate for god's sake.

There's a similar thread here from a girl who has never been in a relationship - as I said on it, I can understand her anxiety a bit more, but you have been in a relationship so your situation is really not in the least bit worth worrying about or unusual.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied.

naidheachdair wrote: »

But clubs? Bollocks. Internet dating? I don't want to get into a rambling rant about it, but it's the biggest pile o'****e I've ever had the misfortune to get involved with.

After spending a considerable amount of time plugging away at it, I have to say I agree. The main problem with those sites, IMO, is the skewed ratio between men and women. Combine that with the fact that the female members of this site get snowed under by an endless stream of come-ons (I once set up a basic, nondescript female account with no photos in 2 mins to test this; I got bombarded with sleazyish replies instantly), and the conditions are made pretty tough for genuinely interested guys.

naidheachdair wrote: »

And really--just how many profiles of "genuine", "bubbly", "fun loving" blondes who "like going out but also enjoy a night in" do you have to plough through? There don't seem to be the interesting, fun people on them.

By God, I know what you mean! Don't remind me of the yawn-inducing tedium of sifting through the endless profiles of people whose only interests are "goin out wit me girlies"

naidheachdair wrote: »

I'm twenty-four, and the vast majority of intelligent, interesting people I know are so joined at the hip they'd have to go under the surgeon's knife to be separated

Very, very true. It seems to be an iron law of reality that anyone interesting, engaging or quirky is already taken - and with good reason, I'll admit.

naidheachdair wrote: »

It's difficult for sensitive people looking for commitment to find one another, I guess. I bet there's an island they all hide on.

+2

Dudess wrote:

OP, why does being single at 22 mean there's a chance you'll be single forever... that you won't meet someone at 24/27/30? Have some perspective.

In my opinion, online dating is a bit of a bridge too far for someone as young as you. Dude, don't be desperate for god's sake.

There's a similar thread here from a girl who has never been in a relationship - as I said on it, I can understand her anxiety a bit more, but you have been in a relationship so your situation is really not in the least bit worth worrying about or unusual.

Thanks for the splash of cold water to the face (no sarcasm intended).

Yes, I know that fretting that I'll be forever single is slightly ridiculous, especially at my age. I'm not normally so despondent; and to be honest, the fact that I had a couple of drinks yesterday evening didn't exactly help.

I guess the point that I really want to get across is that I'm concerned that my efforts at putting myself out there over the past 5-6 months have led to nothing. I'm kinda concerned that I'm doing something a little wrong, as it doesn't really seem to make much sense.