Messed it up

oceansize

Hello,

a couple of months ago a girl who worked near me came into where i work, i didn't notice her but a few nights later she approached me when i was out and introduced herself and tolf me she thought i was lovely and we ended up going home together.
She came over a few times after that and the sex was great. She was a little unstable as she admitted to me she was taking anti depressants.
i basically didn't treat her very well, calling her when i was looking for sex etc, and generally not realising what i had.

i didn't talk to her for weeks, then a few weeks ago we talked outside work and i asked her over that evening for a chat (sex for me), and she came over after a couple of drinks, and we ended up sleeping together again. she stayed over and i noticed a few times during the night she very gently and i think affectionately kissed me on my face, i think she though i was asleep.

didn't talk for another few days, and we met out a couple of weeks ago again, this time i went home early and she said i was stupid in a text. I called her and she had a bit to drink and she told me when i didn't talk to her for weeks it made her feel like crap and she was crying on the phone to me, she said lots of stuff she felt and said something like "you know i fancy you so much" and all that. after that then there wasn't much from her, but i've actually fallen for her now, and can't stop thinking about her.

the problem is she said "you didn't call me for weeks and now you expect me to drop everything as soon as you click your fingers", i've tried texting her and tried to arrange a meet to talk to her, i told her i really liked her and wanted to do things but she said she thinks it's best we remain friends and it was a hard decision for her, this went on for a couple of days and now today i text her i can't stop thinking about her and she said "just leave me alone, this is upsetting for me too".

is there any way to salvage this?

TheDollyParton

I reckon there is but it will probably take a lot of effort. In these cases actions speak louder than words, so doing things that have nothing to do with sex and indicate that you care about her beyond that would be powerful. Listening to what she says to you in terms of what's going on in her life and remembering what she says is important. For example if she mentions that she has an important meeting/exam/family function, enquiring as to how they went would probably be effective.

You need to be persistent here, prove to her with continued effort that you mean what you say. Having been in her position, I would imagine that she feels used and abused and doesn't imagine you can offer any more than what you have previously. You need to prove that you can, ask her out on a proper date and treat her like a princess.

You need to be sure that you are willing to invest in this as a proper relationship though, because the worst thing you could do and the most unfair thing you could do would be to drag her back into this only to change your mind a couple of weeks down the line... Hope that's a help.

dreamer_ire

Sounds a bit like you are interested in the chase rather than the girl.... and the danger is that if this is what it sounds like to me you can bet it sounds like that to her/some of her friends. IMO you have three choices
1. Let it go like she's asked
2. Make a grand gesture to show her it's her you want (if it is)
3. Try to work on being friends so she can see who you are.... rather than who you have portrayed yourself to be i.e. a guy interested in sleeping with her rather than having a relationship with her.

LegacyUser

First of all stop feeling guilty- she pursued you, she is an adult, she consented to sex- you have nothing to feel guilty about

Secondly, stop chasing her, has it occured to you that the fact you werent interested spurred her on ie she was getting a thrill from that chase

Thirdly no grand gesture- never ever ever.

Fourthly, stop pursuing her, she told you to back off; BACK OFF. Play it cool and if she see's you moving on it may get her interested in you again

Stop texting her and stop annoying her

yellowcurl

At least you know that you didn't treat her well. Did you even consider treating her a little bit better emotionally after she told you that she was on anti-depressants?

If you really really want something in terms of a relationship to happen with her, make a grand gesture. Not in terms of a grand monetary gesture, but be nice and make the effort to ask her to do things with you. And leave out the sex for a while. if she makes advances towards you, so be it, but don't make an effort solely on the premise of getting sex.

If you don't think that you could do a relationship with this girl justice, just leave her alone. Its not fair for her to be led on in the long run.

oceansize

well i've sent her a few messages over the past few days and she's only replied to a couple of them saying to leave her alone, so how am i supposed to prove anything now?

should i maybe buy her something etc? or is it to late?
i've asked her a couple of times to meet me for a chat and she hasn't answered or said that "i can't do this" i asked why and she said "i told you before".

MIN2511

What part of leave her alone do you not understand? Give her time, send her a text and tell her you understand she wants to be left alone and will give her space. But you will like to talk to her and whenever she's ready she should contact you.

Simple!

ManOfMystery

She fancied you, but obviously wanted more than what you were giving. Now that you are prepared to give more, she's put up her barriers and you're slightly too late. She may think you only want to meet her again for the physical act of sex whilst she obviously wanted something more than that - so you need to let her know that's not what you're after now.

I think you should send her one more message and tell her you didn't realise what you had and you realise that you didn't treat her as affectionately as you should have. Prove it by telling her that there won't be any sex/etc ..... you just want to meet and talk and get things out in the open, i.e. no ulterior motives.

If she still isn't interested after that, move on.

yellowcurl

oceansize wrote: »

well i've sent her a few messages over the past few days and she's only replied to a couple of them saying to leave her alone, so how am i supposed to prove anything now?

should i maybe buy her something etc? or is it to late?
i've asked her a couple of times to meet me for a chat and she hasn't answered or said that "i can't do this" i asked why and she said "i told you before".

Well if she's turned down all the gestures that you have made, it's probably best to leave her alone. Sorry that it didn't work out for you

MagicMarker

For the love of jebus leave the poor girl alone.

Yes, she originally pursued you but when you found out about her ''issues'' you should have left well enough alone, but you didn't, you capitalized on it and got your hole. IMO you took complete advantage of her.

Do her a favour and forget about her.

Mr. Frost

yellowcurl wrote: »

Well if she's turned down all the gestures that you have made, it's probably best to leave her alone. Sorry that it didn't work out for you

I don't think he's made any gestures except send a few texts.

C'mon man what do girls like? If you love her say so, buy her flowers etc...If you aren't prepared to do absolutely anything to get her back, then forget about it and move on.

oceansize

sent her one last text last night telling her it was nothing to do with sex and that it was her i wanted to spend time with, i asked if she'd like to maybe try to start over and let me bring her out on a date,

no reply!

oh well, im an idiot.

ManOfMystery

You're not an idiot, you tried to make amends (which is more than some guys do) and she wasn't interested.

Just let it go now. Who knows, she might have a change of heart once her head clears.

kevmy

I agree with the leave her alone/give her space advice but I do think it is worthwhile letting her know where you are with regards her.

Send her an email/letter (not a text) saying you like her, you think she's great, you messed up.

End it by saying you know she wants space and that you are going to give it to her but that if she wants to contact you again for anything (friendship, support, advice, relationship, whatever) that you are open to that.

MonicaBing

Ah your not a total idiot, you can redeem yourself here man:rolleyes:

You've just learned the age old lesson of it realising what you had till it was gone... give her a few days and follow up your text from last nite with maybe some nice flowers, not roses, something else... and then approach her again...

You cant blame her for being reticent, yes i realise she is an adult and made her decisions a little too early for you...but hey...where's the fun it everything going right for us? let her see maybe in gesture's that you do want to make a
proper go of it. BUT, i do hope you are seriously interested in pursuing this further and not just to boost your ego...:rolleyes:

Good luck dude..:D

Varkov

Fair play Jake, you had a good thing going.

But its about time to move on Jake.

Katgurl

NOOOOO

You are all giving TERRIBLE advice.

Lets look at the facts. She was mad about you, you used her, she felt utterly humiliated & decided enough was enough so cut you off.

You have now made some halfhearted gestures to talk her round (a few texts) to which she's resisting as she doesn't believe things will be any different.

Write her a letter / card / email and say you know she has asked you to leave her alone so this will be the last time you contact her & you respect her wishes. You are sorry for the way you took her for granted before & can't stop thinking about her. if she gives you another chance, things will be different & you would really like to give things a shot for real.

Then wait to see if she gets in touch.

oceansize

hey,

i went out earlier, and half way through the night i got a text off her saying "no means no, im a big brave dawg"...

eh??!?

i was going to text her back saying well im not letting you go that easy, but thats a kind of big messagage for her, so maybe she'd been drinking,

do you think i should maybe write her a letter? with everything im feeling in it? or will she just throw it away,

or as she said, does no mean no?

yellowcurl

Wait until the morning if you are going to text her back. No use in texting her when she's drunk, she mightn't remember/might pick it up the wrong way.

A letter does sound nice, but at the end of the day she does keep saying no.

It might be best to leave sleeping dogs lie at this point.

LegacyUser

OMG this reminds me so much of something that happened to me
a few years ago.... A guy who I was crazy about from the word go
basically treated me like crap and only wanted me when it suited him.... For a while I was ok with it (in fact i probably used im just as much) but i eventually got sick of it and told him where to go.

After about two days he starts texting, ringing and eventually turned up outside my house. I stuck to my guns and told him I was sick of it and wanted to move on. Looking back now I think i was just both looking for reassurance from him that I was the one for him and also from my myself to prove i was big and strong so to speak.

After lots of grovelling from him and then leaving him to stew for a few days I eventually agreed to see him again, but i layed down the law, one wrong move from him and that would be that.

Now 4 years later we are very much in love and both so thankful that we gave it a chance.

So:

1: I think you need to text her, tell her that u want to meet her to talk and if she says no tell her that u wil show up at her house if not.

2. Tell her that u really want to give it a go and that it can be under her terms regarding how often u see eachother, where you go and most especially about sex (Dont try anything on until she does)

3: Finally, tell her what you said in your original post about falling for her etc, she might think that you are just taking the piss just to get what you want so open up to her.


Best of luck!

mbren

No offence Op, but it sounds to me like you want what you can't have...my advice to you is to leave her alone as she seems fragile enough as it is. I say this because i'd imagine, if you did get what you want, you'd throw it away all over again and hurt her even further which she doesn't deserve.

Apologies if my post is blunt but just expressing my opinion

kevmy

yellowcurl wrote: »

Wait until the morning if you are going to text her back. No use in texting her when she's drunk, she mightn't remember/might pick it up the wrong way.

A letter does sound nice, but at the end of the day she does keep saying no.

It might be best to leave sleeping dogs lie at this point.

Ah if he's really serious about her sending a letter/email can do no harm. Texts by there nature are short and can be taken up the wrong way.

Writing the letter will give him time to think and allow the OP to get everything out.

If she still says no then he's only back where he started but if she changes her then great.

bubblewrap

mbren wrote: »

No offence Op, but it sounds to me like you want what you can't have...my advice to you is to leave her alone as she seems fragile enough as it is. I say this because i'd imagine, if you did get what you want, you'd throw it away all over again and hurt her even further which she doesn't deserve.

Apologies if my post is blunt but just expressing my opinion

This is exactly what I was thinking.

She already isn't well, she doesn't want you messing her head up further so leave it.

miss.lost

Hi!

I know others are saying to leave her alone as shes insecure or whatever but if you are absolutely sure that you want to make a proper go if things with this girl, It could be the start of something really great and special and that and you can help her through her problems. If she really is crazy about u it wont help if you disappear from her life, it will just be another bad thing for her to think about!

BUT, If you treat her bad or hurt her and are only out for yourself I will personally find u and string u up by the goolies!!!!

Sinall

Only continue to try and convince her if you are totally sure this is what you want.

If you are going to turn around in 2 weeks (or a bit down the line!) and decide that you don't want her after all, she is going to be more hurt and humiliated.

Salome

If she's still replying to your texts, even in a negative way, it means she hasn't moved on yet.

Get around to her house, on your knees if you have to, with a pretty bunch of flowers and tell her that you are a big eejit and that you were wrong. Beg her forgiveness and refuse to leave til she speaks to you or til the police drag you away...

On the otherhand, if you don't feel that strongly for her and this is just to boost your ego, don't mess the poor girl around. She's been through enough.

Make sure you know what you're doing...and don't hurt her!!!