I'm a Coward - and now my head is in a mess!

LegacyUser

Registered user on the site but going undetected for this one.

Here is the story. I have fallen badly for a girl. Instead of summonsing the courage the ask her out, I have dodged the issue at every opportunity over the past year.

She is single, and there are hints at times that she likes me. I just don't know.

Yes, lecture me all you like, I am a hopeless coward and the killing thing is that I have fallen so badly for her that now I am in a deep depression over my failure to address the issue. My hunch is she is not interested.

However my main question is this - at what stage would a girl have taken charge and said something to a fella if she fancied him rather than waiting for him to take the bull by the horns.

ladybirdirl

Ok, I don't think you're a coward...let me just say that first.

Of course I do have to ask why you haven't been able to ask her out?
Finally to truthfully answer your question, some girls will never ask a man out.. some girls just don't do that no matter what.

Try not to allow yourself to fall into depression...I'm sure you know you're building it up in your head.

Sometimes you just need to talk it through or write it down


LB

in2dblue

What's worse: Asking a girl out and getting an answer even if it's not what you want to hear? Or Torturing yourself like you are now which isn't healthy just thinking about it?

I personally would never ask a guy out and would be very upset if I thought someone liked me and was just afraid of asking me out..

That's my 2cents anyway

TerrorFirmer

Well, seeing as you've already said 'over the past year', I doubt she's going to suddenly approach you anytime soon - to be honest, it sounds like she's probably assumed that you don't like her in that way, either.

I've been there...must people have. It's a classic situation.

Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, the longer time goes on, both start to assume that the other doesn't like them and is increasingly afraid to make a move...especially when it's the guy that's supposed to traditionally initiate things. It can only go on so long before she decides to move on elsewhere - and that's what will happen if you don't make a move. And what's the worst that can happen if you ask?

Call Me Jimmy

You do realize you have a finite number of breaths? Breath in deep while ye can.

GasserOfMattoon

Hi,
I know exactly what you're talking about.
I have been in the very same position before and let it slide until I could no longer even talk to the girl. That was a few years ago so the depression and ill feeling has faded, but it's something I do regret.

The thing is, it's happening again with a girl I work with.
I'm sure you can recognise the stages (meet the girl, get on fine, notice signals but unsure so never say anything until it gets built up in your head etc....). It can be very frustrating.

With this girl I plucked up the courage today to give her my number, it felt awkward but I did it anyway. And nothing terrible happened. Amazing. It's still early days for me so I don't know if anything will happen, but at the very least I've done something so I will never have to regret not taking a chance.

My advice to you would be to bite the bullet and ask her out (or something similar). Even if you think it has gone on too long I think it would be best to try. If the worst thing happens (I dunno, if she just laughs or the world explodes...;)) you will have gotten it off your chest and can move on with no regrets.

Best of luck.

Bluebell55

You're not a coward... I have been/am in the situation. I was friends with a guy for a long time, and about 2 years ago we started kissin on nights out and stuff, was nothing serious, but it kept going on for about 5 months. We texted three or four times a wk, were really good friends. I could tell him anything and vice versa... We always used to skirt around the topic of it becoming mroe serious, more innuendo than anything else.

Anyways, I ended up getting back with an ex of mine, and we were still texting, always as friends, nothing else... but we kept saying (indirectly) that we should have given it a go, bitten the bullet and tried it. So we kept saying "some day", etc,etc. The texting dried up then around last summer.
I bumped into him last November, and in our limited conversation, we discussed "some point in the future", "wish it had been different", etc,etc. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I'm still with my aforementioned other half. Haven't seen or heard from him since thou, but I know I will be seeing him at some point. I'm very happy with my boyf, btw, and would never do anything to hurt him...

Basically after that long-winded reply, my advice is go for it, you have nothign to lose. I wish I did, and now I have to deal with what if it had happened and will it ever happen. As you can see, I never took the bull by the horns, and as far as I was and am concerned, the ball is in his court!!!

GO for it!!!

jordainius

This does not make you a coward!!!!

Just ask her out. The WORST thing that will happen is that she will say no. That's it. And if she does you'll still feel bad but trust me on this; you would feel a lot better after doing it and getting shot down than you feel now.

Of course she could say yes too, and I have a feeling she probably would!

Go for it! You'll feel better in the long run regardless of the outcome.

Its better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

And seriously, you are not a coward because of this!!! Its more common than you think!!

wylo

Unregistered wrote: »

However my main question is this - at what stage would a girl have taken charge and said something to a fella if she fancied him rather than waiting for him to take the bull by the horns.

Most times, never

I think alot of the time ,we are often too good at hiding the fact were into a girl, its a self destructive method to meeting women imo.
the guys that get the women are the guys that dont fear rejection , and believe me alot of these guys get plenty of rejection.

Its a really really hard thing to do, and if your really nervous about it, maybe you could send a text (would the anti-text people please appreciate how difficult it can be sometimes to ask in person, at least they have time to give a response too).

Just to get philosophical here (it helps me),Just remind yourself of the millions and millions of years this planet has been here, or the billions of years the universe has been here, remind yourself of the hundreds of thousands of years humans have been here , and how long they will be here after you die, and how our planet to the Universe is the equivalent to a blade of grass compared to Earth, , your situation here is ridiculously insignificant compare to every thing that went on, is going on and will go on in this Universe.
now go ask her!!!

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

I think alot of the time ,we are often too good at hiding the fact were into a girl, its a self destructive method to meeting women imo.

As someone in the exact same situation, for the exact same amount of time, I think this is pretty much on the money.

For myself anyway, I spend so much time worrying about what I'm saying to said person, how I'm saying it, if I'm being boring or if I'm being funny, not to mention what their reaction is, that I don't realise how defensive and up tight I might be coming across.It's a lesson learned the hard way and only now am I coming around to the negative effects it can have (and has had).
For me, I started reversing the situation, and thinking about how I would feel if the situation were inverted, with someone trying to read the signals I was giving out to see whether I was interested in them. If you try this, you might find out that there is no good reason at all for them to come forward to you, because you may be acting very defensively.
Over analyzing situations is dangerous (as this post proves), and I think some people are more susceptible to it then others. Sometimes the broad facts are more important than anything. Is that person spending time alone with you? Would you do the same thing with someone if you weren't interested in them? Do they text you out of the blue? Again, would you do the same with someone you weren't interested in. At the very very least, they value you as a friend, and shouldn't be freaked out by any approach you make.

Albeit the height of hypocrisy, the only advice to give is to go for it. I certainly know how difficult it is to even broach the subject, and how easily the term "go for it" is thrown around. The problem is, if you don't go for it this time, you probably won't the next time either. The worst possible outcome is rejection, which for someone in a situation like this, is as positive (in terms of progress) as acceptance.

At the end of the day, It's all just Strikes and Gutters anyway as the Dude says!

LegacyUser

Im friends with someone Im after falling for. i cant bring myself to tell him. You never know, both unreg here, what if you are him??? the world could be that cruel if we as people arent willing to stand up and make happen those things in our lives which we want. how do you know what she's thinking unless you talk to her? i know i should follow the same advice.
its so hard. are you/have you known her for long?

Mr. Frost

Unregistered wrote: »

Im friends with someone Im after falling for. i cant bring myself to tell him. You never know, both unreg here, what if you are him??? the world could be that cruel if we as people arent willing to stand up and make happen those things in our lives which we want. how do you know what she's thinking unless you talk to her? i know i should follow the same advice.
its so hard. are you/have you known her for long?

Seems a good few people are in this boat, me included! I suppose it's easier to say 'just ask' but at the same time I'm not sure there's a lot to go on and a lot can be perceived as being friendly and I'm sure it's the reason the OP's not asked...be worse maybe to ruin the friendship..I dunno..just go with your gut I suppose.

ta2liam

Harden the **** up and ask her out!! if she says no so what..... atleast you won't regret it 10 years down the road!;)

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

However my main question is this - at what stage would a girl have taken charge and said something to a fella if she fancied him rather than waiting for him to take the bull by the horns.

I am not claiming to be right, but I would never, in a million years be able to "take the bull by the horns", however much I wanted to...

For your own sake, ask her out, or let go...

...it seems to me you have got yourself into such a state by now that you honestly have nothing to lose if she turns you down...

...but I do empathise, and I am just glad I am not a guy...

Wibbs

wylo wrote: »

I think alot of the time ,we are often too good at hiding the fact were into a girl, its a self destructive method to meeting women imo.
the guys that get the women are the guys that dont fear rejection , and believe me alot of these guys get plenty of rejection.

+1. My take? Do I think you're a coward? I don't know you, but in your general life, chances are you're not. You're probably braver than me in work/college/etc. Bravery is contextual anyway.

But in this case? With a woman you like who has apparently given you openings and hints? After a year? Yep I think you're being cowardly. Or at least way too insecure for your own bloody good. Like a lot of non pathological shyness and social nervousness it's self indulgent too. Now we can all be gobshítes with stuff like this. I've been a worse gobshíte on many an occasion. I learned fast though.

IMHO the worst and most common advice is along the "touchy feely" lines of "it's ok, just be you, be passive etc". I call ballsology on that. There's a time for all that guff and there's a time for action dammit. If you never take action, well then welcome to a boring life, missed opportunities and crying into your cornflakes and wondering why.

Its a really really hard thing to do, and if your really nervous about it, maybe you could send a text (would the anti-text people please appreciate how difficult it can be sometimes to ask in person, at least they have time to give a response too).

I see where you're coming from, but I don't agree. He needs to catch himself and just do it. Fail if he has to, break down in a mess if that's what happens, but if he doesn't face the fear, he'll never overcome it. You can't talk your way out of this stuff, though far too many try. Yes mulling it over may give you a framework and an explanation, but there comes a time when you have to just bite the bullet. Life can be difficult, yes, but IMHO too many people especially younger men try to avoid that mull it over too long and become overly internal and self indulgent. Not good. The problem is that they may never find out that this stuff isn't actually that difficult and isn't worth whining and putting your life on hold over.

It's like learning to ride a bike. You were excited, you were scared in damn near equal measure, you fell off, you tried again, but when you finally got it and you were cycling a bike? You were all proud of yourself and you realised, "hey this isn't so difficult at all". I can talk to a kid all I like about how to ride a bike. I can show him loads of pictures of bikes. Show him I can do it. I can cover him in padding and helmets and all that guff, but until he starts pushing those pedals, falling off, trying again, he'll never learn.
Texting about something this important, cheapens the importance, makes him look like an even bigger wuss and would defo be a cowards way out. If someone else dumps by text and we take grave issue with that and call them cowards, why not take similar issue with someone who asks someone out by text? He knows this woman long enough. It's not like a casual text with someone he barely knows. Texting cheapens it.

You want to ease into this? Just ask her to the movies. It's not an ideal "date" as talking is limited, but then again you know each other long enough and it will look like a date to her. Gauge her reaction.

ta2liam wrote:

Harden the **** up and ask her out!! if she says no so what..... atleast you won't regret it 10 years down the road!

Obvious and a tad crass for some sensibilities, but I think the best advice on this thread.

pikachucheeks

Some girls leave it up to the guy!


My best advice is to ask her out, if you like her! Don't be afraid - one life!

I liked a guy and he liked me and things didn't work out because he kept getting shy and bailing on our plans.
Your best bet is to be straight-forward and just go for it.

If you like someone, it makes logical sense to do something about it!

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat myself and it is really driving me round the bend at this stage.

Know a great girl for 2/3 years. In the last few months I have developed strong feelings for her. I actually think she could be the one. i know the right thing is to say something to her, but (and this sounds corny, and nobody ever believes this) I genuinely don't want to hurt her/shock her by blurting this out and making her feel awkward. I'm sure she'll get over it. If I'm left disappointed I know that time will head but it is a horrid position to be in.