Trying to stay calm....

LegacyUser

I have a little problem, well it’s actually not little. It’s something that causes huge difficulty in my relationship. Things could be going ok with my boyfriend, but then suddenly a thought will occur to me – there’s been nothing in days he’s done to show my he cares about me. I mean in terms of gestures or things. I don’t quite know how to describe it but he doesn things like give me a back massage every night before I go to sleep, so I can relax, and some things like that. But I’m looking for something else. I can’t explain it, but he never (rarely) does nice little things, out of the blue.Even something small. Like say if he was passing a shop window and saw something that reminded him of me, knew that I’d like it, that he’d pick it up. Well he sometimes does things like that, but very rarely. The thing is it really gets to me. This is of the things that he’s meant to be working on, but it’s been days, and it’s one of those times it’s just occurred to me… and I’m resisting the urge to say it to him. Which won’t be constructive at all. Am I wrong to expect these things? I just wonder how often do any of you guys do these things? Or your boyfriends?
I tend to not see some things he’s been doing. But this isn’t very often, so I don’t know if this is now or not… Generally things are ok, it’s just that this has occurred to me now, and it’ll be very difficult to stop myself saying anything……

Teddi

Hmmmm.....

not sure what to suggest OP but if he isnt naturally like that? I doubt he will change. Some men are naturally considerate thinkers, some arent. Unfortunantly for you he's the former.

You can sit him down and talk to him, ask him if he wouldnt mind, trying being more considerate? even if its something small..

Personally I treat women like princesses, but thats just because Im a sensitive guy, and I know how women think(not blowing my trumpet but I had alot of female influence growing up).

IF this is something that you can't see yourself rectifying, it might be time to move on to someone who will do this naturally...albeit they are hard to find.

I'd talk it out with him first though, and judge your actions from what happens from the talk. Don't be too hasty.....

hope it works out for you

Joey the lips

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a little problem, well it’s actually not little. It’s something that causes huge difficulty in my relationship. Things could be going ok with my boyfriend, but then suddenly a thought will occur to me – there’s been nothing in days he’s done to show my he cares about me. I mean in terms of gestures or things. I don’t quite know how to describe it but he doesn things like give me a back massage every night before I go to sleep, so I can relax, and some things like that. But I’m looking for something else. I can’t explain it, but he never (rarely) does nice little things, out of the blue.Even something small. Like say if he was passing a shop window and saw something that reminded him of me, knew that I’d like it, that he’d pick it up. Well he sometimes does things like that, but very rarely. The thing is it really gets to me. This is of the things that he’s meant to be working on, but it’s been days, and it’s one of those times it’s just occurred to me… and I’m resisting the urge to say it to him. Which won’t be constructive at all. Am I wrong to expect these things? I just wonder how often do any of you guys do these things? Or your boyfriends?
I tend to not see some things he’s been doing. But this isn’t very often, so I don’t know if this is now or not… Generally things are ok, it’s just that this has occurred to me now, and it’ll be very difficult to stop myself saying anything……

Tell him, If he agrees he will. Dont judge him on previous or media boyfriends and more importantly relax He might be lovely just shy

MagicMarker

When was the last time you gave him a back massage?

When was the last time you bought him a present out of the blue?

And you're complaining that he hasn't done any of these things in days?? You're even thinking of mentioning it to him?!!?!

You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt if you think this is how a relationship works. You really need to cop on to yourself. If you complained to me about these things after only a few days I'd dump you in a second.

LegacyUser

Teddi wrote: »

I'd talk it out with him first though, and judge your actions from what happens from the talk. Don't be too hasty.....

hope it works out for you

Well i have said it all to him before, and i dont really see what talking about it would do....? Why do you think that would help?

dreamer_ire

Do you do those type of things often for him OP? I think that for those types of things to be special they have to happen rarely. If you OH constantly brings you small gifts etc then it becomes the norm. That said my OH is very unromantic but she's very good at making special meals, running me nice baths etc and does it very regularly for me.... maybe to such an extent that I don't always appreciate the thought behind it. Might be worth considering?

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

When was the last time you gave him a back massage?

When was the last time you bought him a present out of the blue?

And you're complaining that he hasn't done any of these things in days?? You're even thinking of mentioning it to him?!!?!

You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt if you think this is how a relationship works. You really need to cop on to yourself. If you complained to me about these things after only a few days I'd dump you in a second.

Thanks for the input. Well there's a lot more to the whole situation than that, but still a valid point.... I think i do expect too much. I have to try to be happy to have him around me for the evening instead of expecting things.

anonymous_joe

Unregistered wrote: »

I have a little problem, well it’s actually not little. It’s something that causes huge difficulty in my relationship. Things could be going ok with my boyfriend, but then suddenly a thought will occur to me – there’s been nothing in days he’s done to show my he cares about me. I mean in terms of gestures or things. I don’t quite know how to describe it but he doesn things like give me a back massage every night before I go to sleep, so I can relax, and some things like that. But I’m looking for something else. I can’t explain it, but he never (rarely) does nice little things, out of the blue.Even something small. Like say if he was passing a shop window and saw something that reminded him of me, knew that I’d like it, that he’d pick it up. Well he sometimes does things like that, but very rarely. The thing is it really gets to me. This is of the things that he’s meant to be working on, but it’s been days, and it’s one of those times it’s just occurred to me… and I’m resisting the urge to say it to him. Which won’t be constructive at all. Am I wrong to expect these things? I just wonder how often do any of you guys do these things? Or your boyfriends?
I tend to not see some things he’s been doing. But this isn’t very often, so I don’t know if this is now or not… Generally things are ok, it’s just that this has occurred to me now, and it’ll be very difficult to stop myself saying anything……

Eugh.

This may be unfair, but I went out with a girl like you. I would do small things for her from time to time, but she worked herself into a frenzy over something very similar this, and we ended up breaking up.

Not everyone thinks about stuff like that. Everone's different, what's changed in your relationship? You're probably not the be all and end all of the guy's life, yeah, he presumably loves you, no, that does not and should not mean you're in his head every second of the day.

LegacyUser

dreamer_ire wrote: »

Do you do those type of things often for him OP? I think that for those types of things to be special they have to happen rarely. If you OH constantly brings you small gifts etc then it becomes the norm. That said my OH is very unromantic but she's very good at making special meals, running me nice baths etc and does it very regularly for me.... maybe to such an extent that I don't always appreciate the thought behind it. Might be worth considering?

I'm not really saying it has to be gifts, i'm not materialistic at all.... its more gestures. but ya you're right,if he's doing the little things, everyday things like i shouldn't really be expecting other things too.plus i probably don't appreciate them enought. although i don't think it'd be too much. I think because we have other problems I've become insecure about a lot of things and i'm constantly looking for reassurance... you know?

Thanks for the opinion....

tbh

you tell your boyfriend that you'd like him to be more thoughtful. What's wrong with that? You could tell him that you want him to dress up in a gimp suit if that's what you want. And then, he'll either do it, or he won't. At this point you have two options: Live with it, or not live with it. Of course those latter options are available to you now, but I'd suggest you say it to your boyfriend first. If you want to be treated like a princess or a dog, that's your right, don't listen to the criticism on that front, but remember it only becomes an unattractive trait when you try to change someone else to fit your expectations. There are loads of men out there would be more attentive than your boyfriend, are you willing to gamble that a: you'd find one b: you'd like him more than your boyfriend and c: he'll like you in return? If not, then maybe you should try to live with it.

dreamer_ire

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not really saying it has to be gifts, i'm not materialistic at all.... its more gestures. but ya you're right,if he's doing the little things, everyday things like i shouldn't really be expecting other things too.plus i probably don't appreciate them enought. although i don't think it'd be too much. I think because we have other problems I've become insecure about a lot of things and i'm constantly looking for reassurance... you know?

Thanks for the opinion....

It's always nice when someone does something particurlarly nice and unexpected. Maybe it's worth you doing sth for him and then talking to him a few days afterwards about how he felt about it. Then it might be worth suggesting he try something nice for you the following month.

If you have other probs they probably need to be addressed first. Insecurity is a nightmare... but without resolving that you probably can't move forward. Best of luck, I hope you can both resolve things

smares

MagicMarker wrote: »

When was the last time you gave him a back massage?

When was the last time you bought him a present out of the blue?

And you're complaining that he hasn't done any of these things in days?? You're even thinking of mentioning it to him?!!?!

You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt if you think this is how a relationship works. You really need to cop on to yourself. If you complained to me about these things after only a few days I'd dump you in a second.

I totally agree with magic marker on this you don't mention once something you do for him.

TBH i think that he does things the odd time your doing well, you can't always be expecting something. You should be just happy to be with him.

Salome

I think it might help if you answer a couple of questions OP:

1. How old are you both?
2. How long are you together?
3. Have you been in a long term relationship before this one?

In my own opinion, a relationship is not about gifts or grand gestures, it's about the time you spend together and the little things.

I think that you sound like you're needy and that you need the grand gestures - are you insecure about this relationship?

TheDollyParton

I've never had a boyfriend do any of those things I don't think...have I been ripped off?

The Sweeper

OP: high maintenance tbh.

Your man isn't psychic. If you have a list of requirements for this to be a 'proper' relationship, try sharing them with him. In fairness, if he thinks you're insane he'll run a mile so that's one way to solve this problem.

I think you are mistaking gestures of generosity for consideration and respect. You cannot make someone into something they are not.

LegacyUser

Salome wrote: »

I think it might help if you answer a couple of questions OP:

1. How old are you both?
2. How long are you together?
3. Have you been in a long term relationship before this one?

In my own opinion, a relationship is not about gifts or grand gestures, it's about the time you spend together and the little things.

I think that you sound like you're needy and that you need the grand gestures - are you insecure about this relationship?

we're both in our mid twenties, together 3 years, and ya we've had long ish term relationships before.me over two, him over one.

What i was saying is it IS the little things. i gave a bad example i didn't mean for him to go buy stuff, not at all. i want him to think of the little things. . .I don't need grand gestures, it's just little stuff i'm looking for. just don't get it much.

And to other stuff that was said, i wasn't complaining about it having been DAYS... i meant that was bothering me cos we had a break for a while, and had only been back together since saturday, so ya i kinda had expected something considering he seems to think i'm the only one he ever wants to be with.... and we'd just gotten back together...

I'm glad i posted this now because although some things have been unhelpful, and kinda rude, most of ye have helped me get some perspective...

Salome

Unregistered wrote: »

we're both in our mid twenties, together 3 years, and ya we've had long ish term relationships before.me over two, him over one.

What i was saying is it IS the little things. i gave a bad example i didn't mean for him to go buy stuff, not at all. i want him to think of the little things. . .I don't need grand gestures, it's just little stuff i'm looking for. just don't get it much.

And to other stuff that was said, i wasn't complaining about it having been DAYS... i meant that was bothering me cos we had a break for a while, and had only been back together since saturday, so ya i kinda had expected something considering he seems to think i'm the only one he ever wants to be with.... and we'd just gotten back together...

I'm glad i posted this now because although some things have been unhelpful, and kinda rude, most of ye have helped me get some perspective...

Do you think your OH has slipped back into the relationship rather easily? Were you hoping for the romance to come back seeing as you were on a break? To be honest, some men - after a break - don't see it as a break and just start back where they left off. You'll need to have a word - he hasn't copped on to what you're hoping for - they don't pick up on hints!

Katniss everMean

relationships don't always stay fresh and sweet and cutesy for ever, though that is a good thing, if you get past that point it means to me in anyway that your both comfortable with each other and don't need extra stuff to make it good. Sometimes looking at other couples are cutesy and new can be I want that back, but do you also want the whole getting to know each other, how not to push each others buttons?

I used to think I wanted a lot out of a guy until I read stuff in this section and from the way some of my friends act. I'm the type of person that smiles when I'm handed tea out of the blue, if you gave me a teddy for some event Id be stupidly happy and girly with it.

Think the one thing is, try make stupid little gestures like buying him chocolate you know he loves, or doing something he likes that may not be what you really like. Its just a lot of give and take. I knew other problems can make silly stuff seem huge and really signiicant.

Before you freak think about this, if your friend came to you and told you a story, was moaning about her bf, or she was acting like a drama queen in public (I am not implying you are honest), what opinion would you have of her? Then apply this to yourself. As in would you think she was being needy or just over reacting? I know this is what helps me not make AS many stupid assumptions.

Sorry hope that helped and was clear enough.

LegacyUser

Angelkat7, thanks for the reply but it's those little things you're talking about i'm talking about too... see i am insecure, and i know it's partly from me but it's also from him, and a lot that he doesn't that makes me feel he's not interested. that's basically what our issues come down to, but then when i'm looking for things (even little things) i don't seem to get them. well he has done a few things the last few days, but just last night i could see he is getting comfortable again. i was going to bed he didn't even get up to give me a kiss or hug or anything. asked me to pass him the internet connection. so that's what i'm really not happy with.

Is it too much to expect that he shows an interest...? that is all im looking for. not grand gestures, i'm the one advising him on his spending..how to cut it down,i'm not looking for stuff, just small little things, and an interest when i talk. A big part of our problems is he never realises there's something wrong, or something has happened unless i'm crying, so i know lots of people will see this as a game, but whatever... i just have to keep saying to him he has to try figure out what's wrong. but i know he wont. and it's tiring. we're only back together almost a week and it feels he's already back to where we were before. I can see in some ways he's trying, but its fairly different to go from giving a back massage before i go asleep and a hug, to asking me to pass him the internet connection before i head off.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Is it too much to expect that he shows an interest...? that is all im looking for. not grand gestures, i'm the one advising him on his spending..how to cut it down,i'm not looking for stuff, just small little things, and an interest when i talk. A big part of our problems is he never realises there's something wrong, or something has happened unless i'm crying, so i know lots of people will see this as a game, but whatever... i just have to keep saying to him he has to try figure out what's wrong. but i know he wont. and it's tiring. we're only back together almost a week and it feels he's already back to where we were before. I can see in some ways he's trying, but its fairly different to go from giving a back massage before i go asleep and a hug, to asking me to pass him the internet connection before i head off.

Why does HE have to figure it out if you know??? Why not just tell the poor guy so he can have some chance of fixing it?! That is really effed up. You say it's tiring waiting for him to figure it out - so just bloody tell him.

Your expectations are waaaaaaaaaaaay too high. You have no hope of having a functional relationship if you're going to expect the world from him, because he will always disappoint.

bubblewrap

My bf is similar, he does nice things out of the blue but not often because he says it means more to him (and should to me) if he doesn't do it all of the time.

Like one time, he had to work away for a week and I was so upset about it, I came home to an empty flat, started to tidy up and he left me a nice note telling me he loves me, that meant more because he isn't the romantic sort, it made me feel so good. If he did this all of the time, it would become routine and meaningless.

I have tried to get him to do a bit more, the occassional hug and kiss out of the blue etc, he is getting better but you can't force someone to do things, it has to come from the heart.

Edit: I do nice things for him like buying little pressies I think he would love, giving him lovely little hugs and kisses etc, so I can expect it back without sounding selfish! (not saying you are selfish!)

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

i was going to bed he didn't even get up to give me a kiss or hug or anything. asked me to pass him the internet connection.

If you wanted a kiss or hug good night, why didn't you just ask for one?

i just have to keep saying to him he has to try figure out what's wrong. but i know he wont. and it's tiring.

I'm sure it's even more tiring for him.
Sorry, but you are very hard work and you will always be miserable in any relationship you have if you think a man is going to 'figure out what's wrong'.
It's never going to happen. Ever.

Men are simple creatures. (no offence lads, tis much better that way, then having someone who melts your head) They need to be told. Once every woman figures that out, life will be much better for both parties.
Give the guy a break and just tell him what it is you want and what is on your mind.
He will never be able to read your mind.

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

he doesn things like give me a back massage every night before I go to sleep, so I can relax, and some things like that.

LOL. So if he gave you a back massage once in a blue moon, you'd be happy, but as he does this every day, it's not enough?

Unregistered wrote: »

i just have to keep saying to him he has to try figure out what's wrong. but i know he wont. and it's tiring.

Eh.... huh? "he has to try figure out what's wrong"? Is it a guessing game, with hot or cold clues? If he doesn't know, maybe telling him may help. We men are not psychic, so may not know what's going inside your head...

bubblewrap

hehe. Come on man, tell me what is wrong with me!

All I can say is, if you don't ask, you don't get. Yes it is nice to think they have done something off their own back but for him to know when you want a back rub or a present, he isn't a mind reader.

Why not just say something like, I have had such a hard day, do you fancy giving me a massage. That is all it takes.