Love and being IN love

bubblewrap

What is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?

Mr. Incognito

If you have to ask you don't know.

You love your parents, but being in love in indescribable which is why after thousands of years of poetry, ballads, art, and other forms of expression we have no accepted definition.

Oh The Humanity

Loving someone:
The way you love your Ma, your kid, your Dog, your siblings, your friends.

Being In Love with someone:
Wanting to be with them and have sex with them all the time.

Neverwhere

i hate to say i disagree with the last poster.....thats lust and or infatuation.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Being In Love with someone:
Wanting to be with them and have sex with them all the time.

I think you'll find that's lust not love. Love is so much more, impossible to define

sammyv

Whats love got to do with it!!!

Wibbs

Yep I would say at a very basic level it boils down to the sex part. You can love a member of the opposite sex(or same if that's your thing), but if you don't want to be involved sexually/romantically with them you're not in love with them. It does go through stages though. Initial lust and possesion stage(6 monthsish), honeymoon stage(2 to 4 years ish) then into the much longer term both love and in love stage(4 years +). There is of course a lot of overlap and grey area in those very broad defs.

Wibbs

Put it this way, when a relationship has gone south on me and the woman told me that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", what's the biggest actual indicator of that change? Yep, she stops having sex with me. So that kinda puts the real underlying reason for the diff. I suppose some may continue. I would say more men would until they get it elsewhere anyway.

Neverwhere

wow wibbs your honey moon period is long!!

i guess it all depends on the stuff you go through in a relationship, but id place initial honeymoon period in a relatonship at 6 months or so. maybe a little more.

star-pants

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

If you have to ask you don't know.

Sorta true there. I think when you're *in* love, you'd feel it.
Wibbs summary is a pretty good overview.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

I think you'll find that's lust not love. Love is so much more, impossible to define

I also said you want to be with them all the time as well as have sex with them all the time!

Lust is just a pang in your pants where you would do the person in the broom cupbourd but not be much interested in them afterwards!

Neverwhere

oh the humanity....actually lust can be a little more than that, and can indeed be confused for affection.

wanting to be around someone all the time isnt the definition of love either. thats infatuation.

i love my fiance dearly, but i do not want to be around him all the time either

John Mason

Loving Someone

means your family and dog. people you cant get away from

Being in love

Someone you can walk away from at any time but dont.

vinylbomb

As previously stated, you love your family etc.

Being in love has been proven to be a chemical reaction to another person, you lose the plot a bit. Thats when you get the walking on air felling and do all the nuzzling little things and can't stop smiling etc. Great feeling, but totally distorted from reality!!

Wibbs

Neverwhere wrote: »

wow wibbs your honey moon period is long!!

i guess it all depends on the stuff you go through in a relationship, but id place initial honeymoon period in a relatonship at 6 months or so. maybe a little more.

Well it is a grey area, but I would still say 2 to 4 years. The first 6 months is the initial heavy passion period, after that it settles down into the honeymoon love affair period. Read some interesting stuff a while back on some science types who measured brain chemicals in couples and it peaks at around the 6 month mark in general and is gone by at the very latest the 4 year mark. Hopefully to be replaced by true emotional bonding and attachment. It seems that humans have a 4 year mating cycle in general. Doesn't mean that people don't stay beyond that. Of course they do and happily, but the initial rush is different. I've noticed that relationships in general tend to break up at the crossover between these states. I would not be surprised if you looked at stats of couples that breakups would clump at the 6 month, 2/3 year mark and at the 10+ year mark(though less so). The 2/3 year mark being the most common I would reckon. That's when the rush has gone and you're left with any basic compatibility issues coming to the fore. I would also reckon that's a time when the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech is most likely to be heard. The person saying it maybe feels the basic compatibility is gone, they're not feeling the rush anymore on top of that and this is how it gets explained. My 2 cents anyhoo:)

Oh The Humanity

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Loving Someone

means your family and dog. people you cant get away from

Being in love

Someone you can walk away from at any time but dont.

This actually puts it waaaaaaaay better!

Neverwhere

Wibbs wrote: »

Well it is a grey area, but I would still say 2 to 4 years. The first 6 months is the initial heavy passion period, after that it settles down into the honeymoon love affair period. Read some interesting stuff a while back on some science types who measured brain chemicals in couples and it peaks at around the 6 month mark in general and is gone by at the very latest the 4 year mark. Hopefully to be replaced by true emotional bonding and attachment. It seems that humans have a 4 year mating cycle in general. Doesn't mean that people don't stay beyond that. Of course they do and happily, but the initial rush is different. I've noticed that relationships in general tend to break up at the crossover between these states. I would not be surprised if you looked at stats of couples that breakups would clump at the 6 month, 2/3 year mark and at the 10+ year mark(though less so). The 2/3 year mark being the most common I would reckon. That's when the rush has gone and you're left with any basic compatibility issues coming to the fore. I would also reckon that's a time when the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech is most likely to be heard. The person saying it maybe feels the basic compatibility is gone, they're not feeling the rush anymore on top of that and this is how it gets explained. My 2 cents anyhoo:)

i actually find that really interesting. My fiance and I got engaged pretty quick to be honest after a year.

my problem is im not really the lovey dovey type. like i got the initial kinda stuff, loving being with the person, talking about them all the time (mainly cause it was a long distance relationship) but im not over the top lovey. Actually, usually when i am its a sign im not actually in love.

do you have links? id like to read up on that!

LegacyUser

My bf said that to me once when we were going through a bad patch, his version is he doesn't feel all that close to me when we aren't getting on but when we do, he feels it all coming back to him.

Wibbs

I don't have links I'm afraid. I think it was in scientific american magazine. The phases tended to vary by how much contact the people had too. Lots of contact=shorter stages.




OK lets get back on topic. I've veered it off a bit myself and thoughts of banning myself don't appeal so......

Rosita

Neverwhere wrote: »

i hate to say i disagree with the last poster.....thats lust and or infatuation.

While that poster put it fairly coarsely (that's the wrong word which makes it sound like I'm prudish but I cannot get the right word right now) I think they might be right on the money.

"In love" - as far as I can see - always implies a sexual or potential element to a relationship.

The word "love" is a different matter altogether. You could love your mother, or you could love carrots. But you'd never describe youself as being in love with them.

Ultimately I suppose the difference is simply in that way that we use the terms. They are just arbitrary terms that we use to descibe these different things, in the same way that we call a big thing with branches and leaves a tree for no good reason other than it identifies what we mean and is generally accepted as a definition.

Similarly I would say that the overwhelming majority of people would mean and infer from others a sexual/potenial sexual aspect to a relationship if "in love" was mentioned.

pink fluffy bunny

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Loving Someone

means your family and dog. people you cant get away from

Being in love

Someone you can walk away from at any time but dont.

Good analogy BUT


I love my best mates, but I could walk away from them at any time, but I don't.

Does that mean I'm in love with my mates?!!! :pac:


I think it's hard to describe but when u feel it you'll know......... if that makes sense.

LegacyUser

IN love is with a partner, love can be with a partner but I think in love is in the earlier stages.

bubblewrap

I agree actually, I think in love is the honeymoon period. Would someone be in love after 5-10 years? It develops into something more meaningful I think.

Rosita

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Being in love

Someone you can walk away from at any time but dont.

You could say this about your dog.

LegacyUser

Rosita wrote: »

You could say this about your dog.

People who walk away from their dogs are heartless.

smileykey

Best way I can think of the explain my opinionof the difference is to take the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you." In that sentence what the speaker is summing up is that they care for the person they're talking about, have feelings for them etc, may even have a sexual attraction towars them but in the long run they don't feel that thing that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, value their sex over and above that of anybody else and work to make a life together, etc.

Well that what I would mean if I ever told anyone that, I think. hope thats useful

Das Kitty

To be perfectly honest I think the

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."

line is just a load of BS someone made up to try to make a breakup easier, what it really means is

"I still like you but I just don't want to have sex with you anymore"


I don't think there is a difference between love and in love.

There is unconditional love though, which you extend to (some) family members, your kids etc.

It's when you find a partner that you feel unconditional love for however that, for me, defines the essence of love in that sense. People with this type of love will do anything to preserve it and will work their asses off to keep the relationship healthy.

Why do you ask OP?

bubblewrap

My bf said it once during an argument, he later said he didn't mean it and it was said out of anger but when we argue he backs off and says he can't feel the same for me (I do have serious jealousy issues and regularly cause friction so I do not blame him).

However, when things are good, they are really good.

Das Kitty

bubblewrap wrote: »

My bf said it once during an argument, he later said he didn't mean it and it was said out of anger but when we argue he backs off and says he can't feel the same for me (I do have serious jealousy issues and regularly cause friction so I do not blame him).

However, when things are good, they are really good.

Jealousy stems from insecurity, I think you can give him some of the blame. Especially if he punishes you with clichéd breakup lines.

An argument should be to resolve an issue, not to threaten each other with the break-up stick.

bubblewrap

That is very true, to be honest I think he has a lot of emotional baggage, I know he is over his ex as a person but I don't think he is over what actually happened.

G86

I think when you love someone you care about them alot and want them to be happy.

But being IN love with someone is when you feel like they're an extra part of you and you couldn't bear to be without them... its when YOU want to be the person to make them happy.

It's when you see them in ways that no one else does and love the things about them that no one else notices.

It's when you just can't get them out of your mind and when every minute you spend with them feels like its gone too fast.


Some people fall in love as quickly as they fall in lust, they're the people that sometimes can't tell the difference. But lust is kind of like the pre-empter of whats to come, it's when you have the butterflies in your tummy and that nervous feeling, the thing is that its based on a very superficial attraction.

I think love is when you know the person inside out - it's when you know can recognise their faults and take them off that pedestal - but still feel those butterflies everytime you see them. There's something else too, that you just can't explain, that feeling you get when you just 'know'.

Joey the lips

I love my son

but I also love my wife however I am inlove with my wife

Whats the difference in words nothing in emotions a whole lot

However I think you can love a friend without being in love with them, This is where I think you are coming from

I love my best mate would be lost without him but I am not in love with him

take out of that what you want.

The Outlander

bubblewrap wrote: »

I do have serious jealousy issues and regularly cause friction so I do not blame him

quote]

Why have you jealousy issues? And did he tell you that you had??

Lord Trollington

G86 wrote: »

I think when you love someone you care about them alot and want them to be happy.

But being IN love with someone is when you feel like they're an extra part of you and you couldn't bear to be without them... its when YOU want to be the person to make them happy.

It's when you see them in ways that no one else does and love the things about them that no one else notices.

It's when you just can't get them out of your mind and when every minute you spend with them feels like its gone too fast.


Some people fall in love as quickly as they fall in lust, they're the people that sometimes can't tell the difference. But lust is kind of like the pre-empter of whats to come, it's when you have the butterflies in your tummy and that nervous feeling, the thing is that its based on a very superficial attraction.

I think love is when you know the person inside out - it's when you know can recognise their faults and take them off that pedestal - but still feel those butterflies everytime you see them. There's something else too, that you just can't explain, that feeling you get when you just 'know'.

I think G86 sums it up perfectly.
its not anyone thing that states your in love with someone.
If your in love with someone, when your not with them you think about them.
Not in a possessive, bunny boiler kind of way but when your planning on doing some, or going somewhere you consider your other half in the decision whatever it maybe.
As G86 says, you see the person in a completely different way to anyone else.
You see flaws but the flaws are what gives him/her their character. Afterall no one wants the perfect Partner. So you except them and in a way would miss them unless they had them.
You would do anything for them, and would let nothing within reason come between you's.
for me, i prefer my other half's company before anyone elses. I have some very good friends and family, but there's no one more i'd like to spend my time with.
You miss them when your apart and as g86 said, its like a part of you missing.

you dont fall in love or love someone after 6 months, or even a year.

bubblewrap

The Outlander wrote: »

bubblewrap wrote: »

I do have serious jealousy issues and regularly cause friction so I do not blame him

quote]

Why have you jealousy issues? And did he tell you that you had??

He told me stuff about his past that I didn't need to know (girls he had been with etc), he only did it cos I was stupid and kept asking stuff and now I get stuff in my head and I get jealous thinking about him with other women.

Lord Trollington

you should never ask, and yu should never tell.. thats my two cents anyways!!

bubblewrap

whycliff wrote: »

you should never ask, and yu should never tell.. thats my two cents anyways!!

I've learned that the hard way, sometimes I still find myself doing it though. Say for example, he mentions talking to a woman through work or whatever, I ask if he fancies her. Even if he did, he isn't stupid enough to admit it anymore.

If he did, he knows what to expect. :mad::pac: