Wife Leaving

LegacyUser

Hi,

Where do I start, we have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 16, three kids 20, 15, and 13. Like most couples we have had our fair share of ups and downs through the years, we have always struggled financially and as my wife can't work for medical reasons it has been my wage that has had to get us by.

In the past she has had problems with addictions to prescription drugs and has also been unfaithful on more than one occasion, I did think however that we had worked our way through all that and we seemed to want to stay together.

Lately the financial problems have overwhelmed us and at the moment we have missed a number of mortgage payments, the telephone has been cut off and anytime I see a van from the ESB or Bord Gais I get panic stricken as we are way behind on our bills. We are borrowed up to the hilt and while we don't have a negative equity problem we struggle to get by week to week.

She has now told me that she wants to leave and it has been presented to me as a done deal, no amount of talking will change her mind and she feels that she has already tried and that anything other then what we have would be better. She feels that counseling would be pointless as "they only try to convince you to do something you don't want to".

Initially she wanted to leave with the kids, have me pay her maintenance get whatever social welfare or rent allowance she would be entitled to and I would be a part time father, I was half prepared to go along with that for the sake of a quite life and to make the breakup as painless as possible, but thinking about not living with my kids is tearing apart my already broken heart.

I have suggested that the kids stay with me and that she goes and does whatever she wants and now I'm being the bad guy and I'm only using them to get at her.

I don't know where to go with this or where I stand, apologies for the long post but I really need to get this out and get someone else's perspective on this.

Thanks for reading and HELP!

Wagon

So the lazy bitch is leaving you because you can't support 5 people including yourself on a single wage? Medical reasons my hole. If she can't work because of health issues then that's fair enough, but she can't expect others to cater for her every whim while she sits on your arse and cheats on her husband.

I'd fight this one. Get a solicitor. Keep access to your kids and put this bitch out on her ear.

Amazotheamazing

Wagon wrote: »

So the lazy bitch is leaving you because you can't support 5 people including yourself on a single wage? Medical reasons my hole. If she can't work because of health issues then that's fair enough, but she can't expect others to cater for her every whim while she sits on your arse and cheats on her husband.

I'd fight this one. Get a solicitor. Keep access to your kids and put this bitch out on her ear.

That attitude is understandable but not very helpful.

Contact the legal aid board to see if you qualify. Get proper advice.

Wibbs

There are always two sides to a story. On face value your wife does sound like she has a lot of problems and issues and it seems like she's had enough of something. What has brought this on now? OK the financial pressure is mounting, but has something kicked this off in her head recently? Is she receiving disability benefit? Has she made plans to go move out or is it all rhetoric? Is there a third party involved? Have any of her past demons or yours come back to haunt the situation? They would be the questions I would be asking anyway. I would also be asking questions of myself too.

I do agree with Wagon that you should consult a solicitor as soon as, to see where you stand re maintenance, access and the property you currently share. Just to get the lie of the land should it all go pear shaped.

LegacyUser

Original poster again here.

She has made some moves to put us living apart in place, I think she is going to see the community welfare officer today.

With regards to disability, no she is not currently in receipt of any benefits. As to what kicked this off now, well I think it has been the financial pressure we missed some mortgage payments and the phone calls from the mortgage co. have been hell, she handled most of that and I suppose that despite the fact that I have been telling her for the past two years that we were living beyond our means she feels that I was hiding our money problems from her.

She also tells me that I am a "control freak" and that I don't respect her and that basically she is not happy.

The way I see it if I move out of the family home (and I don't have anywhere to move to) we will have to sell up and she is agreeable to that, we would cover all of our debts and probably have a small surplus, but if I stay with just the kids I think I could afford to meet the monthly bills and at least they would still live where they are used to.

When I made that suggestion she freaked out and because I want the children to live with me I am being unreasonable.

I don't think there is a third party involved at least when I asked the question that is what I was told, I do know that her past difficulties with addictions were never fully resolved and that her doctor still prescribes sleeping tablets that I don't think she needs, but at least it is a whole lot better than it was when she was getting daily injections of morphine.

Anyway, I think that answers most of the questions and thanks for the advice and help you have offered already.

LegacyUser

If she leaves she will have to support herself,medical problems or not.
Maybe she would really like you to leave instead. What about the kids?...do they know what an ungrateful cow she is? Have you spoken to them about the situation?
If you end up in a bitter separation/custody battle with her,they can be asked by the judge who they would like to live with.

I would tell her to pack her bags and get out if she is not prepared to go to mediation.
Technically though,she is entitled to half of everything,...house,bank accounts,etc, but she is also liable for half of all bills.

Women think that they can just walk away from a marriage and cash-in on their husband's
misfortune.The Family law acts badly need to be reformed in this country as they are really unfairly biased in favour of the woman.

Do yourself a favour,and speak to a solicitor.

Oh The Humanity

Listen, yeh ok there are two sides to every story but this one sounds like she is living in Cuckoo Land.

You've supported her throughout the years, she couldnt work for 'medical reasons' ......she did the dirt, left all the financial problems to you, now wants to take the kids and parasite of you even further.....

She must be joking, seriously???

I think she has been cossetted from the real world so long and used you as a financial source that she has lost her grip on reality.

You need to start using a bit of tough love on this one...seriously....she is mugging you.

Loxosceles

Is this something that only Irish women do?

"I'm bored with you, silly little man! I'm taking the kids! You can't see them except for three hours on Sunday! Pay me half your wages for the rest of your life and half your pension while I claim welfare too! You cannot argue with me, I am a woman! MWAHAHAHAhaaaaaaaa!!!!"

Srsly. This chick is having an Irish Female mid-life crisis. Which basically means the above.

I have seen this happening soooooooooo many times. If a man has held up a family he should have some amount of power in court to avoid repeats of this situation. If women in Ireland can work and have careers, then family law needs to adjust itself accordingly and award custody of children to the partner who can support them.

Just get a damn good solicitor and present it to them that she's having a personal crisis, bored in the marriage, and taking it out on you and making her children suffer for it. This woman is a cookie cutter case of Irish Female Psychosis. Meh. I'm sure the family law judge will understand the situation as soon as it is presented by your solicitor, because it sounds like your wife only has the sob story to back herself up. Plus, get a second opinion on how unable she is to work due to physical disability.

If she can get a new gaff away from you, pay the rent and keep it clean, she can bl00dy well work.

seamus

I think Wibbs has covered it quite well, and your first port of call should definitely be a solicitor.
In terms of the "kids", well you haven't really got children any more. The 20 year old is free to live wherever he/she likes so let that child know what's happening and let him or her make her own choice about where they want to live.
The other two are old enough now that any attempt to go against their wishes will cause more pain than not. So I would suggest that you both also allow those children to make a choice - do they want to stay with Dad or go with Mum?

Whatever you do, don't move out of the family home, no matter what she says. If you do, she has you by the proverbials.

If your wife has been prescribed anti-depressants or painkillers and whatnot and seems to be "unstable", then I would suggest that this is a decision she's made to try and escape her problems instead of confronting them. Her past will count against her and whatever your financial problems you should consider the very real possibility that she's unwell and irrational.

Oh The Humanity

When I made that suggestion she freaked out and because I want the children to live with me I am being unreasonable.

The hypocrisy!

She is the one being unreasonable here.

Cut her loose and let her deal on her own....if you can show you have been the provider and clean of drugs etc for all these years and get a good solicitor, you should be ok, aim to keep the house and the kids.

Bounce her out the door and let her find another mug to scrounge off.

Also, dont be fooled by any manipulations she might try, playing the victim and turning on the tears etc. Be emotionally neutral and keep a diary of what goes on.

Do NOT leave the family home under any circumstances.

Whynotme

Advice to date is good, but please do see a solicitor. I can tell you for sure that her medical history will not go against her, in fact it will go in her favour. Sad but true. She will be seen as the victim, a vulnerable person and as such will get the lions share of any property plus decent maintenance. That is why you urgently need advice. If you can persuade her to go for mediation that would be the best place to start. Maybe she could do a wish list, you do the same and work from there. Your children are of an age that they can make some of the decisions- where they live etc- but please try and reach an agreement without dragging them into it. As she has medical problems would the children be better living with you? Include a plan for childcare (yes 13 yrs old need watching!) in your wish list. Put it to her that they stay with you short term while she sorts her life out, medically, housing etc. Do not use the children as a weapon, nor should she.

With regards to your finances, contact all creditors and seek a repayment plan. Once you have an agreement with your wife re maintenance etc life will become much simpler, you will know what you have and be able to adjust your life to that.

LegacyUser

In this case the children are perfectly well able to decide who they would like to live with and where they would like to live.

I fail to see why the woman who walks out on her family should get one cent in maintenance. I feel if she wants to cause so much upheaval then she should be self-sufficient. People like her should not be funded by innocent parties.

Stheno

Loxosceles wrote: »

If women in Ireland can work and have careers, then family law needs to adjust itself accordingly .

Actually in one respect it does, in that here in Ireland, there is no clean break seperation/divorce, and the spousal obligation to maintain one's spouse is legally valid unless said spouse remarries. To counter your rather biased views on Irish women, I know three who as a result of seperation/divorce, have paid/are paying their ex husbands maintenance. It is still backward however in terms of child custody etc.

Anyway back O/T OP, I'm sorry to hear of your situation, as other posters have said, before you do anything at all, please see a Family Law solicitor who will be able to advise you on what is right for you.

I don't think it has been mentioned here so far, but if you and your wife are able to communicate without too much difficulty, then the Family Mediation Service may be of assistance to you in agreeing the terms of your seperation (you will still need your own solicitor to advise you) The details for the Family Mediation Service can be found here

Family Mediation is NOT a substitute for legal advice, so please do go and see a family law solicitor asap.

Best of luck to you at this tough time.

Scorpio Girl

see a solicitor but if i was you i would also get in touch with mabs or your local credit union (if you're a member) to see can something be done about your financial problems.

Poloman

She sounds like quite a catch being unreasonable, not working, getting addicted to drugs. Sounds to me like you will be better off.

Yes you need to talk to a solicitor. See if you can contact one that wont charge you for advice as obviously you are struggling.

And as for selling the house now you would be mad the way prices are. The kids should be given a choice who they want to live with. The 20 year old should see common sense and move out if he/she knows how much financial distress you are in unless they are still in education?

It must be hard on you and fair play for wanting to keep the kids but honestly think about her as a person. She doesnt sound like someone any of the rest of us would want to be with. And if she is not receiving disability benefits then it doesnt sound to me like she isnt able to work.

hill16dub

addicted to prescription drugs usually means depression
She is obviously not happy.
Probably the whole lack of cash has got to her and is running away from the problem so that you are left to pick up the tabs and the stress of this also. She doesn't, probably her way of coping.
Some couples live together, apart, in the house until the kids are all > 18 years old!?

the cheating part however does you no favours and i would agree with the rest you need legal advice at the very least in case you are fleeced.

LegacyUser

Original poster here again.

Many thanks for all the advice and support that has been offered so far, it is nice to know that I am not as bad as I am being made out to be.

She had her meeting this am with the community welfare officer and has been told by them to give free legal aid a call, I have to admit that the speed that she is looking to make this happen is slightly unnerving.

She isn't a bad person and I can't honestly say that she was a bad wife or mother there was just always loads of issues but at the root of them all was money or lack thereof we are not what a lot of people would consider poor, there just never seems to be enough money to pay all the bills and we havn't had any kind of social life for what feels like forever.

I have spoken with my solicitor and he has told me to just hold tough and wait for whatever letter arrives from her legal people and we will take it from there, I also spoke with our family doctor in the meantime and he has offered to speak to us both together but I don't know if it will achieve anything. I also tried calling some of her sisters who I am friendly with but she has obviously got there before me as they are ignoring my calls.

Anyway thanks again.

Joey the lips

I am reall sorry to hear this. The only thing I can suggest is you get your kids together and explain to them it is not their fault. You might not believe it but kids always blame themselves ( We did) As any questions you want , see a solicitor write down what you need answered.

PM me if you want and I will do my best to answer. I agree we are only getting one side but think of your kids first they will thank you when the dust settles.

LegacyUser

If money is tight when trying to run one household, then it sure as hell is not going to be any more plentiful trying to support two households.

It is vitally important that the current financial situation is addressed before the errant wife is allowed stake any claims. She is, after all, liable for 50% of the current debts/liabilities.

carlybabe1

]In this case the children are perfectly well able to decide who they would like to live with and where they would like to live.

Though I do agreee with this to an extent, its an awful decision for any child to have to make, divided loyalties and all that

1)I fail to see why the woman who walks out on her family should get one cent in maintenance.
2) I feel if she wants to cause so much upheaval then she should be self-sufficient.
3)People like her should not be funded by innocent parties.

1) Unless she takes the kids with her then she wont get maintenance.
2) I doubt she wants to cause any upheaval, and realistically, in order to keep his home, the op has to work, so who looks after the kids when he's in work??? Right, she does. So as long as she is looking after the kids, how does she become self sufficient??
3) There is always two sides to a story, so you dont really know who's innocent