Advice and Support needed

LegacyUser

Hi, i have read through this forum many times, and i see how everyone helps each other.
Well, i need some help and support. Heres my story:

I broke up with my boyfriend lastnight, i don't know if it will be for good, or just a break.
I need some support with regards to no contact, i think if i refrain from contacting him for at least a week, it will make me stronger, and make him realise that this is serious.

Anybody have any tips and advise about no contact, has anyone gone through this successfully?

Thank you

Wibbs

The first question I would be asking myself anyway, is "where do I want this to go and what do I want out of it"? When I figured that out, I'd then look at the other persons needs and see if they gel with mine. You do need space to do that, so if they contact, reply once to say I need time and space away from us. In this case text might be better(and I rarely recommend texting).

If you're doing it to make a point or gain emotional leverage/blackmail it rarely works IMHO. At best the person changes out of emotional panic at you leaving, but it doesn't last. At worst they see it as an ultimatum and they react badly to that and just walk away.

Adelante

Hey,

Firstly listen to Wibbs, don't tell anyone but he knows stuff about stuff, it's scary but in a good way.

Personally I'd need to get clear as to what I want from the break-up..

You speak about having no contact will make you stronger, stronger for what...

If this is just break again you need to get clear for your sake and theirs, two words spring to mind -false hope- its not a nice thing to experience.As Wibbs pointed to, it be construed as leading them on or even emotional blackmail

If your car is totalled in a crash,do you keep going back to see if you can fix it or do take what you've learned from it,and move on.

Get clear from the get go ABout what you want. It will be hard no doubt about it. Expect the worst -texting, late drunk calls, He will thank you in time.
I wish you love and light. Hope you can work things out.Remember You can only taking responsibilty for your part in the relationship,but you also need to take responsibilty for your part in the break-up

LegacyUser

Make me stronger so i can actually leave him.
Maybe take a break for him to realise what he has got, or a break for him to realise that he is happier on his own.
A break might help me realise too that i would be happier without him.

I tried to have this conversation with him lastnight, but his battery was running out, and he didnt feel like running out to his car to get his charger!!!

I just dont want to give in and email or text him today, even if i could just get through today, it will make me stonger...as he thinks i 'need' him!!

Mr. Incognito

Depends on why you broke up and how long you were seeing each other tbh, but as a rule they say it takes half as long as the relationship to get over it.

I'd turn my phone on silent for a few days anyway.

Femelade

oh god, i really really feel for you, i have found myself in that situation so many times (with the same person unfortunately)
It is so so hard to not contact someone, especially if they are the peron you speak to everyday. the littlest things can make you want to ring him - something funny that happened, something that he might be interested in, and just general day to day things.

Finally i learned to not phone him or txt him, everytime you pick up your phone with another stupid excuse as to why you want to ring him, take a second to think it through one more time..

Thankfully this worked for me.
He realised what he was going to lose, and he could see me "turning the corner" as he put it..

you need to take sometime yourself to think things through, without him. Is this relationship worth saving?..is he really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Is he worth it, is he worth the hassle anymore?

Best of luck.

anytime you feel like ringing/txting/emailing him..just pop on here instead and have a word with your good friends in PI.
Worked for me!

Adelante

+1 what Femmy said, post up here, if you feel the urge to make contact with him, post up here.

One thing b4 I go and find the cure for......something or other, do you "need" someone for your existence, do you "need" someone to make you happy, is this real happiness. I hear Ladies lounge is a nice place to hang out....

namaste and mariska hargitay(tm) to you.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Make me stronger so i can actually leave him.
Maybe take a break for him to realise what he has got, or a break for him to realise that he is happier on his own.
A break might help me realise too that i would be happier without him.

I can understand your confusion and it shows too. Do I leave? do I stay? Do I let him see what he would miss if I leave, with maybe a side order of "god I hope he doesn't feel happier without me"? Even if you end up dumping him. "Oh god what do I really want?" possibly sums it up.

Space will help this. It will put things into some perspective. Though..... Conversely it may put you into emotional panic at the thoughts of him not being around anymore and maybe more to the point you being on your own and single again.Is the fear of being single the thing that's making you fight for this, more than fighting for something that is healthy for you. And him.

I would echo Adelante's bit about "need" too.

In situations like this, what I do is try to detach as much as possible from the emotions of it. IMHO Emotions are thoughts like any other, just harder to control. Now if you detach from those emotions and look at what the relationship is doing for you and for him, but you first and foremost. What is it doing for the relationship with yourself. Is it growing you, is it feeding the healthy side of your own particular psyche or is it pushing the unhealthy side more. We all have an unhealthy nutso side to one degree or other. Hell I'm nuttier than squirrel poop. A good relationship, friends, family and especially romantic relationships should make you a better person. the balance sheet should be more on the healthy than the unhealthy. Maybe I can just detach easier than some(though I have learned to do it over time) and I do understand that it may be difficult for you especially in the middle of emotional confusion.

That's likely what's at the forefront of your mind at the moment. Kinda like stepping in the path of a bus. You feel the emotion(its not even a conscious thought really) of "Get the fuuuuuuuuck off the road!!!!!". every other thought and worry goes out the window. We wouldn't last long as people if we stood in the road going "hmmmm how fast is that bus going? It's a nice colour oh and theres an ad for a new phone on the side. Oh I see it's going to cork. Hmm haven't been in cork for ages. Do I know the bus driver? He seems familiar". That would equal splat!:)

Well to really strettttttch this analogy; you've seen the bus coming, you've responded by jumping back on the path, now it's time to step back and figure out why you nearly walked in front of it in the first place. You need to step back and process your next step.

That next step IMHO as I said, look to what you want. Look at what you want yourself to be for you. If that includes him and he's willing to move forward with you, then bang on. If not well then you're still moving forward. This will need some detachment from the situation. So seek that.

LegacyUser

I have taken onboard alot of what has been said.
I dont want to be alone. But i do love him alot. We have very happy times, and very bad times.
Lastnight he got angry with me (on phone) over something very simple...i told him that his anger was getting too much, and he told me im the only one that ever makes him angry. surely this is not good. It was very hurtful, and i think everything got to much.
After i spoke to him on the phone, i tried to get my feelings across, but phone was dying (already told you about this,,,,he is very lazy).

I then texted him told him it was over,that everything had got bad. I havent heard from his since. Maybe he thought it was a good idea.

Part of me wants to be with him, part of me thinks i would be better off without him, but the pain of loosing him is gonna be dreadful.

Right now i really want to ring him...but i know i will say the wrong thing, and we will fight.