Fed up. Better off to just end it altogether?

saopaulo

Long story short. I'm fed up and I want out. Depression runs in my family(extended not immediate. Also I am not claiming it is genetic rather emphasising that I have experience of seeing symptons etc) and for the last six years or so I have struggled with it repeatedly and gone through bouts of extreme depressio where I have self harmed and had serious (as in method and time) suicide ideation.(I'm twenty btw).
I'm currently in college and extremely successful academically as this was always my way of proving to myself that I wasn't a abject failure. However recently I have had no motivation to really do anything, I spend my time engaging in a sort of wistful escapism as opposed to doing anything useful like studying. Next week I sit a series of 'schols' exams which if I do well enough in, will basically ensure that I can enter my chosen career in academia and ease my parents fears about money as regards my education. The thing is it is nigh on impossible for me to do sufficently well as I am simply not prepared. Over the years my parents(and everyone else) has been lulled into a sense of security with regards to my academic career, and it is simply not countenenced that I fail to succeed. Everytime someone says to me 'sure you have nothing to worry about, your basically guarenteed to get it' I have a near panic attack.
I really don't want my parents to see myself as a failure as I have caused them enough pain already( I came out to them as gay after my leaving cert-hoping to 'soften' the blow as it were). This is a secret from my extended family and everytime my aunts, uncles etc ask about my love life I see how much it hurts them. They are extremely supportive of me and I want to achieve the most I can for them aswell as myself.

However the larger issue affecting my mood is simply loneliness. I have an awful habit of 'pruning' friendships as it were. I am absolutely terrified of becoming completely open with another person, and when I become too close to anyone I subconciously(at the time) engage in self-sabotage. Recently I fell out with my best friend and we made no effort to patch things up. She is the only person I had ever revealed to that I self-harmed etc and that she could end our friendship without so much as a backward glance hurt me very much. I constantly fear when I will start to sabotage current friendships, and know that such an ending is pretty much inevitable. This means that my friendships are much like the economy; boom and bust, harvest and famine. I will go trough periods of a socail butterfly like existance where people seek out my company (I can be very gregarious alhough it is usually a front and often accompanied by alcohol) or times when really no one can stand to be around me, as I can turn an atmosphere in a room in an instant.

This constant emotional turmoil leads to pain for all involved and I often think life would me much simpler for those arround me if I simply never woke up. I really don't want to put my parents through the pain of seeing me fail, and I feel ill when I think of the whispers behind their backs in the small town in which they still live. Not only that but I can save my friends the pain of seeing me continuously sabotage my own happiness while they are powerless to stop it.

In answer to the first (obvious) question I have never seen a councillor not ever mentioned it to a doctor, for a couple of reasons. The main one however, is that my aunt suffers from severe depression with schizoid tendencies and I have seen the huge number of pills she takes on a dailly basis, this has made me hugely distrustful of the medical profession's approach to mental illness.

Piriz

hi,
i expect you will receive lots of replies to your post/predicament but its too early and you all you get is me at this hour im afraid..
look i think you need to chill about certain issues..dont worry about peoples academic expectations of you..if your not in a good place everything else can wait and those whom are important will understand.. your state of mind needs attention and anything else can be deferred for a year or two.. seek medical help or councelling of some description you might not want/need drugs but you do need an outlet to vent and find some perspective and coping mechanisms..find some 'you' time, indulge in your sense of humour i mean do something fun or that brings a smile to your face..if your achademically strong i suspect you have various interests. dont be afraid to discuss with your pairents that your head is in a bad place and this will alleviate the pressure you feel. look after number one! people go through what you are going through and come out the other side..and a hell of a lot stronger from it too..be patient with yourself and know that when things hit rock bottom they can only get better..you got alot more going for yourself than you may give yourself credit and without being patronising your quite young and your life will change and get better.. if this is something your predisposed to you owe it to yourself to get it diagnosed first and take it from there.. turn that frown upside down!
i hope this helps

Overheal

I have never seen a councillor not ever mentioned it to a doctor

Don't knock it till you've tried it. You aren't your aunt. She's the schitzo who needs all them extra pills.

My own aunt last summer had a major bender when her mom, my grandma, died. She went completely psychotic when she didnt sleep a wink for 2 weeks. She had to be Baker Act'ed no less than 4 times and it took 2 months for her to finally take to medication (most of that time spent in total insomnia - which if youve ever dared yourself to say up longer than 48 hours, you know it can mess with your head). Last I checked she's doing much better.
But that doesnt make me a psychotic headcase does it? I've seen counselors and I've taken AD's in the past. Im not on them now nor am I at present depressed. You have to treat yourself as a unique case: Go speak with a counselor, or a GP. Both are available readily, privately, and free, through your college.

Sinall

I really feel for you OP. There are many things that you can do. There is a history of depression in my family and as well as myself I have seen many family members struggle with it for a number of years.

A combination of medication (just one pill a day!) and counselling really worked for me. I was actually sabotaging my own life due to experiences/circumstances in my life and was pushing people away. As I grew stronger (this took a bit of time), I found that a good diet really helped long term, as did homeopathy.

For me, a multi pronged approach worked. I found that there were a lot of underlying issues that caused me to feel a certain way and also that I had become conditioned over time to feel a certain way.

You are not alone in this. If you don't feel comfortable going to a doctor or counsellor in your home town you can always go to one a few miles away. You also don't have to discuss this with anyone in your family if you don't want to.