Being Quiet

LegacyUser

This weekend I was repeatedly thrust into the spotlight, albeit momentarily, for being quiet. This is nothing new and is often remarked upon and has been taking place for years, since I was in school, in employment situations and in college. I'm now in my mid 20s. Admittedly this weekend's events occurred in a situation involving people I had just only just met and a few I knew well enough. I understand everyone can be nervous in new situations and with alcohol on board this can lead them to being a little loose with their comments. To be honest, although the weekend was fun and I'm glad I made the effort, it was a little draining. On the night of the main comments we were at a formal ball in a hotel, not in a pub so it was mostly sitting at big round tables with 6 to 12 people as the evening became wore on. At several points I was focused upon as either 'taking it all in', 'being very quiet', or the 'strong silent Irish type' ergo 'will say something profound'. This then put expectations in my mind to do that and perform some sort of Obamaesque feat of oratory which didn't and does not happen. Ironically, I don't have much difficult in standing up in front of people and giving a presentation etc once I've done my homework.

My difficulty stupidly enough boils down to what to do when people comment in this way, invariably I half smile, look briefly and avoid eye contact, hoping that the topic changes rapidly..which can only serve to heighten the awkwardness feeling that they're pointing out. I'm already socially inhibited, have Autistic Spectrum Disorder and can be odd enough as it is. I don't quite know what I can expect in posting from this as each situation is different and having a few stock answers isn't necessarily the right approach. I did raise it in the past with a counsellor, but I've sort of forgotten what ideas we came up with or how we worked through it. What happens now when I hear that quiet label is that I tend to go home and inevitably end up analysing the event to death, picking over the details, trying to determine why being quiet is such a big deal to some people and what the hell I'm meant to say. Don't get me wrong, I have a sense of humour, can be self-deprecating and take a ribbing like most people. This just bugs me and can keeps me awake at night.

SpitfireIV

I know exactly how you feel OP, I'd be pretty quiet myself and am fully aware of those awkward silent situations or those times when I'd get the exact same comments almost as you mentioned! To be honest I wouldnt read too much into it, at least I try not to, its just how you are and who you are! Do you want to change your personality or put on a false act when in such situations so as to fit in better? By reading your post I dont think you do, you seem like a level headed, well grounded individual, so, meh, just smile and leave them wondering!

Adelante

good post well written.It's not about you. Its says more about them then it does about you.People do this all the time.We all try to fit in, to look and feel normal, and we compensate or rather over -compensate for those insecurities we own by pointing out what we percieve to be weakness in others, its human nature, its projection and its aload of bs too!

U are the one whose in control of the situation,and stupidty will always try to drag you down to its level and beat you at its own game. but your above all that.Oh and its true empthy vessels do make the most noise. Your right, your not a phukin monkey and your not a gimp neither.

So don't entertain it, I would love to hear your strategy for dealin with, when you recall it

Again good post

LegacyUser

I'm also quiet if I don't know people that well or don't like them and I wouldn't direct any prejudice against quiet people, because its not and shouldn't be a problem. Quiet people can be more interesting anyway as they think more deeply on issues and therefore have unique perspectives.

Feathers

I think that's the thing - I've felt like this before in situations, though I think it depends from time to time whether I'd feel quiet or not - who I'm around or what humour I'm in, etc.

I rarely feel like there's this onus on me anymore, as most of the time when people say this stuff, it's people who you barely know & they're only saying it to fill their own silences. You know you've a sense of humour & you know you're socialable!

OP wrote:

My difficulty stupidly enough boils down to what to do when people comment in this way, invariably I half smile, look briefly and avoid eye contact, hoping that the topic changes rapidly..which can only serve to heighten the awkwardness feeling that they're pointing out.

That's not stupid, because why should you have to find some witty answer to their throw-away remark? But if you feel comfortable with it, I'd retort with a little cheeky remark - if someone says

First Guy at the Party wrote:

'ah John, I see you're the strong silent Irish type, then?'

I'd go with something like

John wrote:

'ah sure with you talking the whole time, no one else can get a word in edgeways!

**followed by a cheeky smile**

or if you don't feel comfortable with something like that. if someone says:

Second Guy at the Party wrote:

'taking it all in there, are you John?'

you could say, in a fairly nonchalant way,

John wrote:

yeah, that's it

and then you could move on - 'anyone else what another drink there, while I'm heading up to the bar?'

(hoping you're name isn't actually John, I'll be ruining your anonymity here!)

I think the main thing is not to dwell on it - don't be dismissive or sullen either, just keep things light-hearted enough. I think the main reason people do it is in a good-naturedly way: i.e. that people are just checking you're OK. It can be hard to tell with people you don't know too well - they could be thinking that you're looking for a way into the conversation, that you're feeling sick, that you're down in the dumps, etc, etc.

I think if you let people know - 'yeah, I'm grand thanks' & they see 'oh, he is enjoying himself, he's just a bit on the quiet side' they generally go back to their antics & leave you to it, to join in on your level.

Just my long, rambling, two cents - hope it helps!

LegacyUser

Hey, thank you for your thoughts on this, appreciate it.

It's probably best not to read too much into it, and changing my personality or putting on a false act isn't very likely, not sure I could pull that off anyway. I think the guy making the main comments was rather nervous and that his way of fitting in was commenting on the music and the people at the table. He could have been very, very annoying, but he was just about OK. He was probably shifting attention off of himself, projecting, yeah. I wasn't drinking which did draw one or two comments about an Irish person not drinking, shock, horror, yawn.

On the whole, I don't mind being quiet although it seems to have definite drawbacks, but I don't mind spending a lot of time on my own. I've had the 'it's the quiet ones you gotta watch' before, been introduced as being quiet, taking off a busy retail section for being too quiet etc. I think the probing as to 'why?' bothers me more than the fact that I am this way...'cos there will never be a right answer. I just can't help but think outwardly I perhaps seem rather disengaged (not from not caring) although I do follow conversations and body language etc, it feels like that my lightbulb only switches on if all eyes are on me, even then it's likely to be half hearted as I may not be the best at giving intelligible responses. I think once I engage about the weather, hobbies etc I'm alright. A few years ago in college a classmate asked me about my hobbies out of the blue and I was a bit lost as to why she was doing this. My disability officer in college said it's probably because I can be a bit of a closed book which I can't deny is true. I used to be really, really shy, still a bit now, but not as much.

As for retorts, not going to deny I've been tempted:
'god, you're quiet'
'yeah, you catch on quick'
but I figure that's not the best route to go down. I like the wry 'not being able to get a word in edgeways', though. I suppose it's possible people are just checking in, that's fair enough, and I'm not against going outside of my comfort zone, this is the first ball type set up I've ever been to. Previous ones had the expectations of getting off with someone and getting out of your tree, that wasn't the case here as it was a charity thing.

Thanks for giving me this space.

metaoblivia

I'm quiet myself and sometimes get comments like that. Other times, I feel bad for not participating in a conversation where I can't think of anything to say. But over the years, I've grown accustom to the fact that sometimes you won't have anything to say, and I'm quite happy to sit back and "take it all in." Instead of blabbing about something I know nothing about, I just sit back, listen, and learn.
Some people get nervous around quiet people I think because they want to know what you're thinking. They can't read you and they feel uncomfortable. But that's their problem more than yours.
I think the key is to be comfortable with your quietness. Do your best to project a quiet confidence. I've had more than one friend tell me that they enjoyed my quietness. It wasn't a quietness born of awkwardness or shyness. It's just, if there was nothing to say, there was nothing to say, and I was fine with that. Around other people, they felt they always had to say something, they had to force conversation. But around me, we could just sit and be quiet.

bogzilla

metaoblivia wrote: »

I'm quiet myself and sometimes get comments like that. Other times, I feel bad for not participating in a conversation where I can't think of anything to say. But over the years, I've grown accustom to the fact that sometimes you won't have anything to say, and I'm quite happy to sit back and "take it all in." Instead of blabbing about something I know nothing about, I just sit back, listen, and learn.
Some people get nervous around quiet people I think because they want to know what you're thinking. They can't read you and they feel uncomfortable. But that's their problem more than yours.
I think the key is to be comfortable with your quietness. Do your best to project a quiet confidence. I've had more than one friend tell me that they enjoyed my quietness. It wasn't a quietness born of awkwardness or shyness. It's just, if there was nothing to say, there was nothing to say, and I was fine with that. Around other people, they felt they always had to say something, they had to force conversation. But around me, we could just sit and be quiet.

bravo.

dsmythy

Yeah i'm probably of the same vocal level as yourself OP. Roughly the same age too.

The thing is to not think of being a less spoken person as a negative or abnormal trait. Everyone has their own personality and strengths that they can take from it.

It's pointless and unconstructive most times to try and change yourself to suit others. It's not playing to your strengths to try and be some other person who you simply are not.

Think about how your natural personality may give positive vibes to others (at least those who aren't so moronic as to automatically think of a quiet person as abnormal).

When you do say something your more likely to have their ear. People will see you as thoughtful and one who is hearing what they are saying rather than one who is trying to shout over them and not listening. They may pick up on you as being intelligent and stoic. Always a safe haven in the storm that can be life.

It's all about balances. If we were all super talkative and super active people there would be a lot of talking going on but little listening which leads to problems as you can imagine. And so it's the same if we were all quiet there would be no listening as their would be little talking. And then you get everyone in between the two talking volume.

It's the "quieter" people like me and you who are there to tap the brakes on the "louder" people and in turn this personality type is there to draw us out of ourselves somewhat to make a small but meaningful contribution to thoughts and ideas.

Same idea for risk takers versus the risk adverse. The "takers" can be tempered somewhat by the "adverse" and the "adverse" drawn out of total risk avoidance by the "takers", this risk avoidance which can prevent their development to their full ability.

So next time someone says that to you. Take it as a compliment and be confident and content with the person you are and know what you have to offer these more talkative people.

cantdecide

I'm quiet and really struggle with groups especially. It's easy to get trampled in these situations but I've stopped beating myself up about not being as outgoing as others. I'm sure you're very charming when not pressurized to be this way or that way...

LegacyUser

hi OP, i get this too, its really annoying.
I went travelling before and decided to do a guided tour. The tour guide told me at the end of the day that he was shocked that an irish person was quiet and had really looked forwarded to having some "craic" with me on the tour. Here's me thinking that i was paying him to entertain me, not the other way around.
Also when i meet my boyfriends friends, i am quite shy around them as i really have nothing in common with them and apart from polite small talk i can usually think of nothing to say. They dont comment on my quietness, but my boyf has which hurts. Why go out with me if he doesnt like my personality..i cant become outgoing just like that.

LegacyUser

I dont think you should worry too much not everyone has a lively persona, some are more inward hence the over thinking, have a ciggie and a cuppa and kick back.

oceansize

maybe you dont say much because of all the waffle you talk about when you do talk.... "oratory"... "invariably"..

people in general don't want to hear those type of words unless they are in their mid 40's and driving their husbands 07 beemer around.

people seek very arbitrary comments from people who are considered "quiet".. so all you should do when someone does put you on the spot is smile and shrug your shoulders.. that should get a laugh, thus taking you back out of the spotlight and makes you look er... cool?

you should just try to relax, think of something funny to say to take the attention off yourself. you could throw in something like "im coming up with a crafty plan... and it's almst complete" and smile :P

Miss Fluff

Beautifully drafted post might I just say OP:)

Have you thought about doing a course in public speaking? Saw a feature on it on TV the other night and it seems to help people enormously. And if you do get the confidence to speak a bit more, and you speak as well as you write, then your audience will be enchanted m'dear.

fasty

oceansize wrote: »

maybe you dont say much because of all the waffle you talk about when you do talk.... "oratory"... "invariably"..

people in general don't want to hear those type of words unless they are in their mid 40's and driving their husbands 07 beemer around.

What people? So far those posting in this thread have been impressed with how the OP writes. I don't think I've prefer being in the company of people who can barely squeeze out a vocabulary of a few dozen words during the course of an entire conversation.

nyarlothothep

yeah, having been on the receiving end of this a few times, people who have a problem with someones vocabulary are invariably tits.

tech77

Huh? wrote: »

This weekend I was repeatedly thrust into the spotlight, albeit momentarily, for being quiet. This is nothing new and is often remarked upon and has been taking place for years, since I was in school, in employment situations and in college. I'm now in my mid 20s. Admittedly this weekend's events occurred in a situation involving people I had just only just met and a few I knew well enough. I understand everyone can be nervous in new situations and with alcohol on board this can lead them to being a little loose with their comments. To be honest, although the weekend was fun and I'm glad I made the effort, it was a little draining. On the night of the main comments we were at a formal ball in a hotel, not in a pub so it was mostly sitting at big round tables with 6 to 12 people as the evening became wore on. At several points I was focused upon as either 'taking it all in', 'being very quiet', or the 'strong silent Irish type' ergo 'will say something profound'. This then put expectations in my mind to do that and perform some sort of Obamaesque feat of oratory which didn't and does not happen. Ironically, I don't have much difficult in standing up in front of people and giving a presentation etc once I've done my homework.

My difficulty stupidly enough boils down to what to do when people comment in this way, invariably I half smile, look briefly and avoid eye contact, hoping that the topic changes rapidly..which can only serve to heighten the awkwardness feeling that they're pointing out. I'm already socially inhibited, have Autistic Spectrum Disorder and can be odd enough as it is. I don't quite know what I can expect in posting from this as each situation is different and having a few stock answers isn't necessarily the right approach. I did raise it in the past with a counsellor, but I've sort of forgotten what ideas we came up with or how we worked through it. What happens now when I hear that quiet label is that I tend to go home and inevitably end up analysing the event to death, picking over the details, trying to determine why being quiet is such a big deal to some people and what the hell I'm meant to say. Don't get me wrong, I have a sense of humour, can be self-deprecating and take a ribbing like most people. This just bugs me and can keeps me awake at night.

First off, good post.
Very well articulated.
I empathise OP.

Like you OP i tend not to talk much unless i'm genuinely interested or have something i want to say.
Also i tend not to contribute unless i know wtf i'm talking about.

My reasoning is (partly) that it's more respectful to not BS and talk sh1te (from both an emotional AND intellectual standpoint).
I don't do fake well.

Having said all that, it's something i also feel i could probably work on (kinda like having a BS quota for the day or something).
So not really sure what to advise you tbh, just empathising really...

biZrb

I'm pretty quite too, I've got the 'you're very quite' line said to me plenty of times. I really do hate when people say that to me, I never know how to react, thank them for pointing out something I wasn't aware of....?!

There are even days when I don't have one single conversation with someone. Its not about confidence, if I have something that I want to say I'll say it, its not that I'm boring (at least I hope it isn't!) I'm just quite.

In a conversation I'd rather be the person to come out with a witty one liner that talk constantly for 10 minutes straight. Its all about quality not quantity!

scanlas

I think the above posters are correct in saying be who are and don't try to be anyone different.

But first ask yourself how you interact around your closest friends, are you just as quiet, if not I think there's work to be done in being able to fully express yourself in unfamiliar surroundings.

Put yourself in awkward situations and make an effort to talk even if you think what your saying is dumb. These reference experiences will train your brain that your life is generally not in danger and saying what you feel like won't usually threaten your life. You will become more confident over time as your brain starts to realise we don't live in small tribes where saying the wrong thing could mean exclusion from the tribe which could mean death. Your brain will give you access to your full personality.
Being quiet in unfamiliar circumstances evolved as a self defense mechanism, this mechanism doesn't apply nearly as much in today's world.

In conclusion you need to push your comfort zone day in day out. It's not easy but that's what it takes. Do kareoke sobre as a start.

kerash

It's a strange one, I've been met with that comment too many times to count. It's something I utterly detest. I've had friends and people I know well say - 'Oh sure you're very quite' I usually respond with 'Why do you say that?' often they cant quite explain why.
You get the feeling they think you're kinda harmless, worse still you think to yourself 'do you think I'm some kind of imbecile?!' And when you do have some opinion or strong reaction to a situation it's met with shock and that old chestnut 'It's always the quiet ones'.

My only advice is to be yourself, don't force yourself to react like or how you think other people want you to, it'll stress you out too much and make you too self aware.

FANTASTIC

Stop dwelling everyones to worried thinking about themselves!

Kevster

I virtually never opened my mouth for my entire youth (I'm now 26) and dreaded when people focussed on my quietness. I didn't know how to react. However, when someone brings it up no, I simply say 'So what if I'm quiet? If I've nothing to say, then I won't bother trying to say anything'.

Ultimately, what I think helped was generating a feeling/thought that I would no longer take **** from anyone, and that I would no longer let people get to me.

estar

i guess the world needs just as many listeners as talkers.

or else, I am tired today, sorry.

the other option is ask people how they are, comment on the weather. admire something they have on. all these things generally tend to result in lots of talk. remember - most people love to talk about themselves. or sport.

having been in the company of people who just cannot stop telling you every thought going through their head no matter how mundane, I can tell you i would much rather sit in your company than someone who just cant shut up.

i hate when people state the obvious. it would be like walking up to an ugly person and saying - god you are ugly. or a fat person and saying god you are fat.

one persons quiet is another persons good listener.

anyway - no one can make you feel something you dont agree with about yourself. accept yourself and your condition and the fact that you arent like everyone and make something of this. rather than trying to be what you are not. my brother in law never talks really. he never has. he says something when he has something to say. my sister talks loads. they fit together very well.

its like a drinker who needs others to drink too asking a non drinker why they dont drink and trying to make them, which seems to occur here.

ah will you not have the wan! ah go on!

ah will you not say something. translates into - god join in and stop making us feel different, we are all a big group and must all be the same.