I'm a jealous, possessive cow

LegacyUser

I really really want to change, my bf is soooooooooooooo close to leaving me, I question him about everything, check his phone, it is as if I want to find he is cheating (I don't really but my actions suggest that).

I have been cheated on in the past (not by him as far as I know though).

I don't even like him going for a beer with his friends in case there is a sexy lady there and he wanders.

I don't want to be like this, help.

star-pants

The only person who can change this is you.
You have to have trust - without that you're just going to self destruct the relationship every time. This guy hasn't done anything wrong so don't treat him like he has, or is about to. He's with you, not anyone else. Sexy ladies around or not - you have to try and control your feelings.
I had a bf who'd text me when he was out with the lads saying 'theres loads of women around, but the only one I want is you'. Now... I've been cheated on before(not by him) *but* I trusted him completely so I knew he was just being sweet. Even though I might not like the idea of lots of 'hot women' around him, I trusted him, and he was with me, not anyone else and that's all that matters.

You have to stop yourself looking at his phone - that's his phone, his privacy.
Noone likes playing 20Qs every day, the odd question is fine out of curiosity etc but beyond that just makes them feel uncomfortable. He shouldn't have to answer to anyone about general things and you shouldn't make him.

you could go to a counsellor and see if there's any issues you need to work on, but I would suggest just pushing yourself to be more trusting of him. You need to weigh up in your head, how much you want to check up, versus how quickly you'll push him away if you keep it up. If you care for this guy, you won't want to lose him and you will just have to try really hard to not be so jealous hun.

bubblewrap

Hi,

thank you for your reply. I was considering hypnotherapy to help with my self esteem and jealousy but not sure if it would be successful.

No I really don't want to lose him which is probably why I am so clingy but I am doing the exact opposite of what I want, I am pushing him away.

I need to chill out, I just want him all to myself and I know that is not healthy.

star-pants

It's not a bad thing to want someone to yourself sometimes, and to not want to lose them. But as you said - if you get too stressed about it you'll only push them away.
I've no experience with hypnotherapy but I guess it could be worth a shot.
You have to remind yourself when you think of checking his phone or about to ask a question ''he's with me, he cares about me, that's all that matters'' and try and reduce the urgency to 'catch him out'. He can only reassure you so much, after that it's up to yourself hun. You just need to work on it more and you'll get there.

bubblewrap

Thanks again,

I am so scared that it is too late, he has said so many times he will leave, I don't want to push him away.

He has given me so many chances, I don't want to blow the last one.

star-pants

*hug* hun, I can imagine how you must be feeling. The thought of losing him should only dominate your thoughts when you want to 'check up' and use that fear a different way. Use it to fight the urge to question/look at his phone. You can sit down and talk to him and tell him that you don't mean to be this way, that you're trying to change. If he's not left yet hun he's still holding on to you for a reason! that's definitely something, you can and will prove why he has faith in you.

kaa

Unregistered wrote: »

I really really want to change, my bf is soooooooooooooo close to leaving me, I question him about everything, check his phone, it is as if I want to find he is cheating (I don't really but my actions suggest that).

I have been cheated on in the past (not by him as far as I know though).

I don't even like him going for a beer with his friends in case there is a sexy lady there and he wanders.

I don't want to be like this, help.

i dont blame u been like dis if u hav been cheated on b4 cos in a new relationship u do think wot if and compare 2 old ones. but not all guys r d same. deep down i think u no he is doin nothing rong.

so wot if dere is a girl in d pub, ya he mite look and den go off drinkin again but he will b comin bak 2 u. if he didnt wana b wit u, ye wudnt b goin out. mayb ye shud plan a romantic nite in and out. hav a certain day 4 dis.

but if ur thinkin about hypnotherapy 2 save ur relationship den do it cos obviously u care dat much about dis fella dat u wana change and r willin 2 do anything2 save it.

so all i can say now is i hope everything works out cos u want it 2 so bad.

good luck xx:D

Lucy Lu

Kaa, as Thaedydal has already said to you in another thread, text speak is not used here, so please refrain from doing so.

bubblewrap

hehe, the text speak is funny, thank you so much for the advice. You are right, I know deep down he is a good lad and I know he looks, he has told me this and he said as long as he doesn't touch, there is no problem.

I just need to think before I speak, I am still going to have silly thoughts in my head but it is better to keep them to myself and try to ignore them.

Latchy

Unregistered
Guest = Bubblewrap

bubblewrap

Oops sorry, yes I am the original poster, didn't realise I wasn't logged in.

LegacyUser

Instead of accepting that these doubts are always going to be in your head, why not try get rid of them? Leaving them in the back of your mind only creates a single inevitability - that they *will* resurface repeatedly wether you like it or not, and will be a problem in your relationship.

Do you have irrational thoughts in other areas? i.e Are you generally fearful of worst case scenarios? Is every noise in the middle of the night a burglar, or every set of footsteps behind you when walking alone a potential attacker? This might seem irrelevant to the specific problem you're trying to address, but it all points to anxiety about things you have no control over.

Instead, accept that there's things you will have no control over, and enjoy everything that happens in between. After all, if your relationship becomes a battle to prevent something that may never happen from happening, is what you're trying to protect real at all?

LegacyUser

hello young bubblewrap. you need to get some darn confidence first and foremost. how long have you been together?

he is with you, if he wanted the pick of the bunch, he would have stayed single. i know cheating is common but it doesn't mean everyone is doing it.

to be honest babe, you are driving him to do the very thing you don't want. or at the very least he will leave you, it is not fair and i do feel for you both, it can't be nice either end.

put things into perspective, does every woman want a piece of your man or is it your own infactuation that makes you think he is irresistable? he may be the apple of your eye but to everyone else, he could just be the apple sauce. sure, you will get people he fancies/who fancies him but as long as he doesn't act upon it, why worry? why worry about what could happen, focus on the here and now, get sucking up to him and show how sorry you are...not with words, actions.

stop checking his phone because you are going to one day find something which you read far too much into then you will either end up making yourself crazy wondering what it is or actually admit you snooped. be strong, think nice thoughts, compliment yourself and stop comparing yourself to other women.

if he goes out with his mates, then leave him to it, he would be far happier coming home to a nice relaxed confident girl than worrying he is going to come home to a million questions.

everytime you get a bad thought, replace it with happy times, your first holiday...first kiss etc...i am sure you aren't an ugly gnome so stop putting yourself down.

xxx

bubblewrap

Hi,

Yes I do suffer from terrible anxiety in most situations, I am very analytical. My boyfriend is sick of it, he is really down. I feel so bad and don't know how to put it right, I can do really well then end up having a relapse and everything is rock bottom again.

I find myself looking into everything he says and does, if he works late or goes to the pub after work, I am convinced he is meeting a girl, I hate being like this but don't know how to stop. All he is doing is typical male things, going out with friends, watching football, having a pint. He doesn't do a nice cosy office job where you run from the desk every night bang on 5pm, there are times he has to work late, why can't I just accept this?

bubblewrap

Yes I have read into things on his phone and had to admit I looked, for example, he has not long got his current phone number, it was his friends phone and I found a message with a kiss on, I had to admit I looked - stupid me should have thought, it was for his friend. He has been getting loads of messages meant for him and the message I found wasn't exactly suggestive, it is only because it had a kiss on it.

I have been strong for a while not looking at his phone but I broke the other night and found that message.

No I am not an ugly gnome either :pac: the annoying thing is, I am far from ugly. People comment saying how on earth did he pull me, I find that unfair on him but if others think that, why am I feeling so low? I love the man to bits, I really do. We have been together 19 months, living together 12 - I should feel more secure than this. I don't want to lose him.

LegacyUser

babe i am sure he thinks you are wonderful, don't spoil it with this destructive behaviour. jealousy is evil, it eats away at you. it wont just disappear because there will always be situations that will rile you, for example, another girl flirting with him, him checking others out, getting texts and phone calls with you wondering who it is.

he is a grown man, you don't own him, please back off and let him breathe, it must be exhausting for him.

even if the worst did happen, and he cheated, you would blame yourself for being jealous and clingy, if you were a lovely confident girlfriend and he did it, then you know he is at fault. at present, you are driving him away.

be cool, calm, tell yourself how good you are, list your good points, bet they far outweigh the bad.

bubblewrap

Thank you for your help, it is an awful emotion. A small amount of it is normal and healthy but the angst it causes me is unreal.

I am trying now, I keep trying to ignore the thoughts and images I get in my mind and try to think he is with me because he loves me, we are engaged, living together, why am I feeling so insecure? These are the feelings you should get at the beginning where you don't know where it is going.

LegacyUser

hey hun,

i couldve wrote your message. im in the exact same situaion as u, together 19months , living together & hate myself for bein g like this . & i hate how it makes me feel & act. driving myself mad.
just letting u know youre not alone. i really need to sort this problem out too.......

Piriz

hi,
you have reminded me of my ex..she was the most suspicious, anxious, controlling, possessive, argumentative, and often violent but beautiful girl whom i had been so so close to but eventually this led to our break up... i still love her and f*cking hater her too for not being a better girlfriend..i know she still loves me too but she f*cked everything up and then blamed me, she could be a nasty bi*ch, im better off without her..
dont let your bf be writing a similar mesg to this in the future..
i wish you all the best

jesus_thats_gre

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been cheated on in the past (not by him as far as I know though).

This is your making excuses for yourself even as you are asking for help.

saqui

I'm sorry, but I have to be a little bit harsh. BE CAREFUL. Just because he isn't actually cheating, it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship that's good enough for you.

You say he looks at girls when he's out. If he's got someone gorgeous at home (who is out of his league) other girls shouldn't be turning his head. It's one thing if a good looking girl catches his eye, it's another to fixate his eyes on her chest and drool - just be sure your man falls into the first category!
I had dated a few guys who did the latter, and I had accepted it as normal, even though it ate away at me inside. I since met someone who showed me respect at all times, and even when he saw a a good looking girl while he was out, he would text me and say something like she was hot she's got nothing on me. (for the record, that relationship ended because i wanted children and he didn't).

If you're insecure, and he loves you, he should be building up your confidence. He should always be making sure you know how lucky he is to have you. He doesn't have to say it all the time, but if you don't know it from his actions, you should be seriously thinking if he's good enough for you! (Good enough is defined by how he treats you, not material things).

I've personally ruined a relationship through paranoia and nagging, but, in hindsight I'm glad i did because two really good things came out of it.
To this day, I don't know if the guy actually cheated or not, but I realised he never made me feel important enough - and I deserve that. In that case it wasn't problems like he'd spend more time at work or with his mates than me - it was things like he'd let his family make snide remarks about me (in front of me!!) and do nothing.
After that relationship I went on a man hating phase and didn't date anyone seriously for a while. In that time I learned so much about myself and learned that as much as I WANT to have a man settle down with, I don't NEED one, and I can wait for one that gives me EVERYTHING I want - especially one that makes me feel good! (After the other guy I mentioned - I guys like that exist!)

Realising those things was the most empowering thing that has happened in my life! And the nice guys love girls with confidence! The pr!cks that cheat go after the insecure girls!! I know this because I've been both types of girl, and I've noticed the different caliber of guys that talk to me now.

I really hope the things that happened to me don't apply to your situation - but always remember, no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself...and being with someone you don't trust doesn't show a lot of respect for yourself. If you really believe in this relationship, sort out your confidence. If you're analytical, counseling might be a bit better than hypnotherapy. Being of similar nature (analytical and paranoid), and done the counseling thing, I found understanding the reasons for my insecurity helps me keep the "bad thoughts" at bay. I've never done hypnotherapy, so can't comment on that.

I wish you luck!

JangoFett

Unregistered wrote: »

I really really want to change, my bf is soooooooooooooo close to leaving me, I question him about everything, check his phone, it is as if I want to find he is cheating (I don't really but my actions suggest that).

I have been cheated on in the past (not by him as far as I know though).

I don't even like him going for a beer with his friends in case there is a sexy lady there and he wanders.

I don't want to be like this, help.

He's going to leave you.

You're not going to change.

bubblewrap

saqui wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I have to be a little bit harsh. BE CAREFUL. Just because he isn't actually cheating, it doesn't sound like you're in a relationship that's good enough for you.

You say he looks at girls when he's out. If he's got someone gorgeous at home (who is out of his league) other girls shouldn't be turning his head. It's one thing if a good looking girl catches his eye, it's another to fixate his eyes on her chest and drool - just be sure your man falls into the first category!
I had dated a few guys who did the latter, and I had accepted it as normal, even though it ate away at me inside. I since met someone who showed me respect at all times, and even when he saw a a good looking girl while he was out, he would text me and say something like she was hot she's got nothing on me. (for the record, that relationship ended because i wanted children and he didn't).

If you're insecure, and he loves you, he should be building up your confidence. He should always be making sure you know how lucky he is to have you. He doesn't have to say it all the time, but if you don't know it from his actions, you should be seriously thinking if he's good enough for you! (Good enough is defined by how he treats you, not material things).

I've personally ruined a relationship through paranoia and nagging, but, in hindsight I'm glad i did because two really good things came out of it.
To this day, I don't know if the guy actually cheated or not, but I realised he never made me feel important enough - and I deserve that. In that case it wasn't problems like he'd spend more time at work or with his mates than me - it was things like he'd let his family make snide remarks about me (in front of me!!) and do nothing.
After that relationship I went on a man hating phase and didn't date anyone seriously for a while. In that time I learned so much about myself and learned that as much as I WANT to have a man settle down with, I don't NEED one, and I can wait for one that gives me EVERYTHING I want - especially one that makes me feel good! (After the other guy I mentioned - I guys like that exist!)

Realising those things was the most empowering thing that has happened in my life! And the nice guys love girls with confidence! The pr!cks that cheat go after the insecure girls!! I know this because I've been both types of girl, and I've noticed the different caliber of guys that talk to me now.

I really hope the things that happened to me don't apply to your situation - but always remember, no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself...and being with someone you don't trust doesn't show a lot of respect for yourself. If you really believe in this relationship, sort out your confidence. If you're analytical, counseling might be a bit better than hypnotherapy. Being of similar nature (analytical and paranoid), and done the counseling thing, I found understanding the reasons for my insecurity helps me keep the "bad thoughts" at bay. I've never done hypnotherapy, so can't comment on that.

I wish you luck!

Thank you, I see what you are saying. He kinda takes me for granted sometimes so doesn't always let me know how/if he appreciates me but there are times when he tells me how much he loves me, more than I will ever know and how beautiful I am but my jealousy tarnishes it and he becomes distant, and with that I always think distant=outside interest but it is my behaviour causing it! A terrible vicious circle.

He says if a fit woman passes, he will look (as men do), think god she is fit, then carries on with his job. Apparently all men do it but I agree, looks wise I am out of his league so he should appreciate that!! (he knows this too, I am not being arrogant).