Girlfirend hates sex

LegacyUser

I've been going out with this girl about 2 years. She's 19 and I'm 20. I'm mad about her and we waited a while before we started to do it. She can't stand sex because of the pain, she says the pressure is too sore? This is even when I'm really gentle with her. I'd say I'm a bit over average downstairs.

Anyway I'm lucky now if we do it more than once a month. Tried every position under the sun..still hurts her. I feel guilty whenever I ask her does she want to do it and I feel even worse knowing that it hurts her while I'm enjoying myself! Slightly hypocritical I know but it's like work to her.. It's starting to affect our relationship now and I get depressed about it while she's happy out not having it. Could it be that we just aren't sexually compatable? I know people will say sex isn't everything and I agree completely. I read people on here all the time saying how they only do it once a week and they need more! I'd give my left one to be like that.. Try going through a stint of 3 months without sex? I used to be happy enough just letting things slide by to make her happy but I can't do it anymore. I know this isn't a medical forum but would going to a doctor do anything?

Nevyn

She should go to the dr about this.

That_Guy

I'd advise her to go to a doctor. I know the first time a girl has sex is supposed to be very sore but if it's ongoing then something may not be entirely right.

Wibbs

If you're doing all the right things; making sure she's fully aroused, using plenty of lubrication(especially I've found with condoms) etc. If she's new to all this it could simply be that she's unsure and after a few times of discomfort she feels that's how it is and expects that even before you both start. If all of that is not working, I also think it would be wise discussing going to a doc. It's not going to be the size of your manhood at issue for the most part. A baby is a lot bigger for a start.

Nevyn

Yes a baby is a lot bigger but a woman's body goes through hours of painful labour for that to be able to pass out of the vagina.

If she is relaxed enough, aroused enough, lubricated enough then it should not hurt.
How is she with two fingers inside her or a dildo ? Have ye tired that ?
If all of the above is possible but sexual intercouse is still painful for her then she
should go to a dr.

aoibhebree

It could be endometriosis or some other medical problem, she should go to the doctor to get it checked.

LegacyUser

She should def go to the doctor. She may be suffering from Vaginmus, which means that whenever she anticipates sexual intercourse she gets nervous and stiffens up-and this would tighten the vaginal muscles that would make intercourse painful. Plus if she is constantly thinking its going to be sore then she won't be relaxed and everything will be rigid so sex would be really painful! I feel for you OP I really do, but your girlfriend needs to relax and let it happen without thinking about the pain side of it. Would she use a vibrator? Then she'd be able to get used to the size of it and build up her courage to doing the main deed!

Good luck anyways x

b3t4

I agree with the consesus that your girlfriend should go to a doctor.

It might be that you are hitting her cervic which can be very painful. Also, it's possible for the penis to hit an ovary in some instances which can hurt even more. (doctor said this to me.)

A sympathetic doctor is what your girlfriend needs. There could be a number of things that could potentially be an issue here which a professional should be talking to her about.

A.

star-pants

Not much else to add but to agree with other posters - if she's fully relaxed and aroused it shouldn't really hurt her that much.
Not only did it take a good while for me to not be in pain with sex, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I should, and I think that has to do with the person too. Because when I was with someone that it was good with, I was like 'this is what it's meant to be like!'.
And it has to do with the person taking their time and being very gentle too. If she knows it's going to hurt/be a chore, she'll naturally tense up which could make any current issue worse.

But just be patient with her and supportive and have a chat about her maybe seeing a doctor just to check all's ok. She'll feel better about going if you're supporting her. Trust me it makes you feel crap if you think you can't fulfill all aspects of the relationship and she may be feeling bad about it too which doesn't help her. So just be there for her and hopefully a doctor and some patience can help. x

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyones comments. We've tried everything under the sun and it still hurts. I think going to the doc is the best option as the pain won't just get up and go, been like this since day one. Only problem is getting her to build up the confidence to go to the doc becuase I know she wants to think there's nothing wrong with her even though i don't want to say it to her but I'm pretty sure her pains aren't normal. Will any normal GP do or will she have to go to some specialist?Or will it be normal one first then reffered to the specialist that way? Thanks again!

Lucy Lu

Go to your own GP first and they will refer you on.

Good luck.

Talliesin

Unregistered wrote: »

I know people will say sex isn't everything and I agree completely.

Sex isn't everything, but it is something. At its best in a relationship that isn't just sexual it will both reflect and feed into what else is good in your relationship. At its worse, it can either be reflecting something bad in the relationship, or feed into something bad, or both. So this blocking the two of you from enjoying your sex-life is blocking your sex-life from being a good part of a good relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting your sex-life to be good.

There are three different things I'd suggest.

1. As everyone has said, she should see her GP.

2. Work on non-penetrative ways of having sex. I know I'm forever saying that in this forum anyway, but in this case there are extra reasons. Firstly, it lets you have the benefits of a good sex life as mentioned above. Second, it will make her feel more positive about sex generally, which will help counter the fact that the pain is obviously going to have a negative effect in this regard. Thirdly it will help with the next thing.

3. If you have a diagnosis and treatment from your doctor, take things slowly. Previously having experienced pain from penetration can lead to tensing muscles to the point of spasm, which in itself leads to pain. So even if the first cause is solved, you're going to have the same problem for a different reason. Also, because there are more than one possible cause, the doctor may not get it the first time. So you will want to take things slowly, and carefully for the first few times. In particular, let her know that you'll understand if she says it's too sore once you've already started. It can feel hard to say "stop" to something you've already started on. If she isn't happy that she can stop things if it becomes sore, then that'll increase tension from the get go and increase the chance of things not going well.

b3t4 wrote: »

Also, it's possible for the penis to hit an ovary in some instances which can hurt even more. (doctor said this to me.)

Doesn't seem likely. That would be like choking on something while eating and getting food stuck in your ear.

Das Kitty

There are so many reasons why this could be happening and all are fixable

She could have a mental block and be tensing up, causing pain
She could have an infection
She could have scarring on her vagina and vulva
etc.

She won't know unless she gets checked out.

She really really needs to go to a doctor, it's fecking up the way both of you look at sex and the longer it goes on the further back you will have to come mentally.

Speaking as a person who endured 5 years of vulval pain (my problem was the third option which took ages to be diagnosed thanks to some less than helpful gynaecologists, but was sorted out in 6 months when it was) I can't emphasise this enough.

PM me if you want the contact details of my Gynae, she changed my life, I'll be forever grateful.

kaa

it also is dat she cud b nervous and den it tightens up down dere which wud make it sore cos sumtimes if it doesnt get wet enough down dere it adds 2 the pain. try 2 make her calm and relaxed and c how is goes. maybe d first time she did it was sore and wen ye r in d mood, in her head she is thinkin of d first time she did it and den sex is just uncomfortable like.

but goin 2 d doctor is not a bad idea either.

Bluefoam

kaa wrote: »

it also is dat she cud b nervous and den it tightens up down dere which wud make it sore cos sumtimes if it doesnt get wet enough down dere it adds 2 the pain. try 2 make her calm and relaxed and c how is goes. maybe d first time she did it was sore and wen ye r in d mood, in her head she is thinkin of d first time she did it and den sex is just uncomfortable like.

but goin 2 d doctor is not a bad idea either.

Learn english

Nevyn

kaa text speak is not to be used ton these forums.

Bluefoam if you have an issue with a post rerport it please do not back seat mod.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Talk about preaching to the choir. I had the EXACT same thing with my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years and ultimately, we broke up over it.

I was in the exact same mindset as you-loved her to the end of the earth and really wanted her to enjoy it, but she just couldn't. It hurt her too much and I always was a gentle as could be. Posted numerous threads here looking for help. Used lube, spent AGES trying to arouse her and she would be aroused, but it just wouldn't work.

I think it hurt her the first few times and that was it. She was paranoid it would always hurt and that was the end of that. She'd dry up like the desert as soon as any penetration was about to happen.

She wouldn't address it. I couldn't talk to her about it without her hitting the roof. I tried, I tried and tried some more. I gave it everything and in the end she still couldn't and was too shy to get it addressed and ultimately, I gave her the elbow because I was freaking out too much.

I probably had sex 4 times over the last year we were together.

My advice to you is: Address it with her. Talk to her. No matter how much she cries and denies it, tell her your concerns. I didn't take a hard enough line with my ex and it cost me. I was always too soft (not literally ) and she would just cry and I'd back down and not bring it up again for ages.

I really loved that girl, but I couldn't be intimate with her and it destroyed us.

Don't let this ruin the relationship, but it will if you don't address it. Every other thing that I slightly disliked about her was amplified 100x simply because I was so frustrated by it. The same will happen to you my friend. Believe me.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Beentherebuddy wrote: »

Hi OP,

Talk about preaching to the choir. I had the EXACT same thing with my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years and ultimately, we broke up over it.

I was in the exact same mindset as you-loved her to the end of the earth and really wanted her to enjoy it, but she just couldn't. It hurt her too much and I always was a gentle as could be. Posted numerous threads here looking for help. Used lube, spent AGES trying to arouse her and she would be aroused, but it just wouldn't work.

I think it hurt her the first few times and that was it. She was paranoid it would always hurt and that was the end of that. She'd dry up like the desert as soon as any penetration was about to happen.

She wouldn't address it. I couldn't talk to her about it without her hitting the roof. I tried, I tried and tried some more. I gave it everything and in the end she still couldn't and was too shy to get it addressed and ultimately, I gave her the elbow because I was freaking out too much.

I probably had sex 4 times over the last year we were together.

My advice to you is: Address it with her. Talk to her. No matter how much she cries and denies it, tell her your concerns. I didn't take a hard enough line with my ex and it cost me. I was always too soft (not literally ) and she would just cry and I'd back down and not bring it up again for ages.

I really loved that girl, but I couldn't be intimate with her and it destroyed us.

Don't let this ruin the relationship, but it will if you don't address it. Every other thing that I slightly disliked about her was amplified 100x simply because I was so frustrated by it. The same will happen to you my friend. Believe me.

Good luck!

I think you are me in disguise. Everything you've said and done is exactly what I'm going through. She's extremely shy and it will take her a lot of courage and persuasion on my part to see a doctor.

LegacyUser

me again,

I'm not you in disguise-you're not as far gone as I was, so do something about it or you'll become bitter about it.

I only said to my closest friend recently when I found an old valentines card from her that it was nice to be reminded of a time when I wasn't so bitter towards her and we were happy. Overall, I'm bitter because it could have been fixed but wasn't because of a lack of communication and effort on both of our parts. I didn't communicate and she wouldn't address it and as a result I'm a bitter little cúnt, and she cried herself to sleep for 6 months and I'm pretty sure she was holding out hope until a couple of months ago (I broke up a year ago this month).

You don't want her to be in bits because you broke up with her

You don't want to break up with her because you're not satisfied.

You don't want to become a bitter cúnt like me and have a sour taste in your mouth everytime you think of her.

The only thing you can do is talk to the girl and very carefully explain to her the situation, that you've done everything you can on your side, but ultimately it's up to her. If it isn't sorted you're questioning your future and you don't want that.

Now, at the same time, you don't want her forcing herself through agony just to keep the relationship. That's not healthy either, so you'll have to also explain that to her. Tell her it's clear to you and you understand that it hurts her and you really want her to enjoy the joy of sex and enjoy being intimate with you, the same way you enjoy it with her. She'll deny that she's afraid of it, she'll freak, if she's anything like my ex she'll probably insist on having sex there and then so don't do what I did and do this when you're drunk because that was one serious row I didn't need!

Some girls just aren't into sex, that much seems clear. Some girls just don't know they like sex because they're freaked by it. Maybe you'll have to encourage her to mastubate. My ex didn't. I suggested it and she freaked. This could be a very good way to get her to relax and anticipate the enjoyment of penetration from you instead of fearing it.

Everyone's different, so what I'm saying isn't gonna be universally true, but I hope it helps.

You are not alone buddy, but you are doing something about it. Talking on here is good, but the one you need to talk to is her.

I said I broke up with her because I wasn't getting laid. The truth is I broke up with her because I'd been away for a while and was going away again for a few days and only had one night to see her which I was looking forward to. She organised to go out with the girls that night and I was "coming too". That's what I broke up with her over. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Normally it would have annoyed me, but I'd get on with it, but I hadn't been laid in about 4 months, so I cracked, went away for a few days, cheated because I just didn't give a rat's asse about it anymore and broke up with her a few days later. It was a long time coming, but the situation with sex magnified these things so it was a culmination of them and then BANG! It was like "ah fúck this lads, I'm not getting laid. I'm 23 and too young for this bull. She's gone".

If you want any more detailed advice, you can organise sending me a PM through a mod. I'm sure that can be arranged.

b3t4

Talliesin wrote: »

Doesn't seem likely. That would be like choking on something while eating and getting food stuck in your ear.

It is likely to happen if the ovary is in a weird position and can happen in some positions which allow deep penetration. It was a doctor in a family planning clinic who told me this. Also, in the link I'm providing it lists it as a possibility. Also, it has happened to me and due to the fact that ovaries are as sensitive as testes it was excruciating. It was a very different pain to my cervic getting a bashing.

OP, perhaps you could print out the information in the link I'm providing and give it to your girlfriend. There is plenty of information for her to take in there and hopefully with that she might be more encouraged to go along to her doctor/family planning clinic.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/painfulintercourse.htm

Best of luck,
A

LegacyUser

If it transpires that her problem is primary vaginismus (get her to go to a gynaecologist), be aware that for a substantial proportion of these women the ONLY treatment that works is gynaecological physiotherapy, and that sex-therapy and counselling is the completely wrong approach and can be utterly counter-productive.

There are also online support groups for people with vaginismus.

Counselling methods are more effective for people with secondary vaginismus, abuse issues, sufferers of vaginal trauma of various kinds, etc.

LegacyUser

I agree with Das Kitty. I had the same problem and it took 4 and a half years of suffering to sort it out. 8 different doctors (and specialists) told me there was nothing wrong with me charging me a fortune for the honour and putting my relationship through terrible strain before I found a specialist GP who took one look at me, spotted an obvious problem and referred me to a surgeon. I had pretty much given up. Now, after having surgery 6 weeks ago, things are much better. I'd love to send those doctors a letter telling them what they've put me through but I probably won't - I've wasted enough of my life as it is. Anyway, this could potentially be what's wrong with your girlfriend. And if it's not, all the better. At least she'll know.

Good luck

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

I agree with Das Kitty. I had the same problem and it took 4 and a half years of suffering to sort it out. 8 different doctors (and specialists) told me there was nothing wrong with me charging me a fortune for the honour and putting my relationship through terrible strain before I found a specialist GP who took one look at me, spotted an obvious problem and referred me to a surgeon. I had pretty much given up. Now, after having surgery 6 weeks ago, things are much better. I'd love to send those doctors a letter telling them what they've put me through but I probably won't - I've wasted enough of my life as it is. Anyway, this could potentially be what's wrong with your girlfriend. And if it's not, all the better. At least she'll know.

Good luck

I'm delighted for you missus!

I was misdiagnosed repeatedly with everything from thrush, to genital warts. I was even put on a course of anti-depressants which were supposed to work as some sort of nerve blocker, I was even booked in for a procedure to deaden the nerve to the area, but I pulled out of it. Eventually my doctor referred me to a private gynaecologist whom she had heard good things of and it was all sorted in no time. I had pretty much given up at that stage, I thought that this was going to be it for me, I was never so delighted to be wrong!

LegacyUser

Myself and my g/f have been dealing with Vaginismus for 4 years but no joy yet.

We've tried therapy, dilators, numbing creams etc.

@ Das Kitty and the previous unreg poster:

Could you email me (anonymously if you'd prefer?) details of your successful treatment?

We've almost given up hope, and would appreciate hearing from people who have been successfully treated.

We've set up our own anonymous email address because as I'm sure you can understand, its a very private problem.

email address is anonymouse112@gmail.com
Thanks,
J