I'd like to write a goodbye letter

LegacyUser

Hello,

Just wanted to put this out there. I met someone and it didn't work out due to timing on both our parts - but more so on her part - she has decided to go back to her husband and go to counseling to see can they give it another go. I'm OK with that but obviously not OK as I really felt something for her.

Would it be OK do you think to just send her an email telling her all the things I wanted to say before we said goodbye but didn't - not a nasty email or anything like that,

I do know that we will never be together as she has made her choice - but I would like closure on this.

Thanks or any input

Wibbs

TBH I don't know what this seemingly current obsession with closure is. I really don't. You have closure already. You know there's no future with this woman. You've presumably discussed it already as you know she's giving her mariage another go?

I would look at it this way; who are you writing this letter to? Her or yourself? I say entirely the latter and that's being self centered. What good can come of it for her? If she knows already how you feel, then she's made the decision to try again in her marriage. If she doesn't know already this letter could well put a spanner in the works of that and that's hardly fair on her and hardly an expression of your affection for her.

Take the fact that she's trying again with her estranged husband as all teh closure you should require.

tfeldi

I wouldn't do it. It will either:

a) be meaningless for her

or

b) make it more difficult for her to sort things out with her husband.

star-pants

I understand you'd like her to know everything she meant to you and everything you thought about her - but she's made her decision and especially that she's going back to someone it'd be a bit hard for her to hear. If she was just single - then I wouldn't see why not, because you'd want them to know the things maybe you never got to say. As she's had to make a tough decision already, and try for her marriage then it would be unfair to throw more emotions into the pot.

You could write a letter saying everything you wanted, and burn it (safely) or even just rip it up / put it away. Getting the feelings out even help.

But I would advise not to send her anything in this particular case, as there's someone else involved too.

LegacyUser

God no I wouldn't do it tbh. I would stay well clear of it and let her go back to her husband as this is clearly the choice she has made. This will only make it more difficult for her or make her possibly resent you for not letting her go. Out of interest how long were you together?

GAAman

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH I don't know what this seemingly current obsession with closure is.

Take the fact that she's trying again with her estranged husband as all teh closure you should require.

Well Wibbs i would say the op is looking for controlled closure, as in the decision was made for them when the woman in question decided to go back to husband and work at it, whereas if/when the op sends this letter or email it is their way of getting closure on their side

Op if you think it will help you, go for it. If you are doing it to try win her back then dont as only you will end up hurt

All the best

Wibbs

GAAman wrote: »

Well Wibbs i would say the op is looking for controlled closure, as in the decision was made for them when the woman in question decided to go back to husband and work at it, whereas if/when the op sends this letter or email it is their way of getting closure on their side

Oh I see what you mean, but I would be asking why he needs that controlled closure at all? Especially when it could confuse and screw up the woman he says he felt something for. Again it's all about him. Not her. I would say the only control he should be aiming for is over himself. By sending the letter he is either seeking to abdicate control to her or seeking to exercise some control over her. In either case it's hardly "closure" or emotionally healthy. If closure is required then it should come from within. Not be based externally on another how has decided on a different path. OK thats just me but anyhoo.

Op if you think it will help you, go for it.

But where does that leave the woman?

If you are doing it to try win her back then dont as only you will end up hurt

yup I agree with you there and I suspect that's part of it too.

IMHO star-pants idea is a good one. By all means write the letter. Sit on it for a while. re read it. process the thoughts and feelings then burn it.

lolli

OP,

I dont think contacting her would do you any good she made her choice so you have to move on. However, what I would do is write everything down that you want to say to her so you can get your feelings out. Then tear up the letter and burn it. Its a good way to vent your feelings.

Sephiroth_dude

Just leave her alone and let her try work things out with her husband dont contact her and try and get on with your own life.

That_Guy

I don't think it's worth doing this if you know she's going to get back with her husband. It'll just be hurting you more so I reckon you should save yourself a lot of hurt.

Unfortunately it's over but it won't help you get over this if you send her this letter.

Good luck.

neuro-praxis

Hi OP, I'm sorry to read that you're hurting.

Like it has been said, it is utterly understandable why you would want to send this letter, but it is still better, for you and her, not to. Deep down you will be hoping against hope that she will write back, and if she does, it will mean more mess and heartache, and if she doesn't, it will never bring you the closure you desire.

Work it all out with a close friend or do as has been suggested above.

G86

I understand why you feel you need to do it, but think about what good its going to do - none. I know you say you're doing it for closure, but a little bit of you will still be hoping for a reply, and when you don't get one - which you won't as she's moved on - you'll feel even worse.

If you really care about her then leave her be, shes happy now and its not fair of you to interfere with that in order to make yourself feel better. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, and I do believe that you really are hurting, but I think its best to leave things be.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Hey, that was a great idea, thank you !!! I am going to write the letter, sit on it (Not literally) and then I will burn it.

Yeah I will get the closure by writing it for myself, that is exactly what I want - thank you.