The usual, in love with one of my friends...

LegacyUser

Right, long story short as no-one wants to read an essay on this, basically it's the usual story here, but I feel I need to let it out somewhere. One of my close friend's, who in my opinion, she is absolutely stunning, has a great personality, good fun to be around and all that jazz, and who I'm absolutely mad about, told me something last night I basically did not want to hear.

We were out for a few drinks, and after a few pints , you're liable to say anything, I basically told her my true feeling for her, that I really liked her, her response was 'I only like you as a friend'. I laughed it off at the time as I was quite drunk, not now, the next morning, coupled with a hangover and looking back on the night, I feel like absolute ****. The realisation that I'll never be with her has hit me hard.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place, I just needed to vent this somewhere.

Wibbs

Yep bit of a pain alright. IMHO, I would see this as a good thing. OK your hopes have been squished, but at least you now know where you stand. So where do you go from here? First you accept that with her it's game over. You accept that its all onesided, so it's not love. I would also try and figure how it ended up like this and can you avoid same in the future. I would suggest backing off socially from her to get over her and move your attention onto other women. The world's full of them and its full of women who'll like you "that" way. So there is no point wasting your time and energy focusing on a particular woman that doesn't. This does not mean she's a bad person or anything. She's not. She just doesn't fancy you. She has no choice in the matter. She either will or she won't.

This does not mean you can't be her mate down the line, but it's only ever going to be a true friendship between equals when you don't feel a romantic way about her. Do not be one of those men who spends years pining after some woman he's put on a pedestal. It is a waste of your emotional life and no mistake.

Just because she doesn't fancy you is no direct reflection on who you are as a man either. It may well be a reflection of how you go about seeking a lover though. I've said it before hereabouts. Aiming for friendship first is 9 times outa 10 a dead loss. Now before people pipe in with "well me and my BF were friends first...", yes it happens, but there was either a spark of "what if" there from the start unadmitted by either party, or there was a gap in time when they didn't see each other and then the spark happened when they met again, or they were older people looking to settle down. That's IME anyhoo.

I look at it this way, the word girlfriend should give men a template. The word "girl" comes before "friend". That's the way you should approach it IMHO. Be a guy who wants a girl first, if it goes well you can become friends afterward. That can be hard enough but it is at least doable. Climbing out of friendzone is almost impossible.

Oh yes and though it won't feel like that at the moment, This will pass. It'll pass a damn sight more quickly if you put some emotional distance between you and her. Do not be one of those (frankly pathetic men) who become orbiters or a shoulder to cry on while they sit back watching as other guys get access to more of her anatomy and a romantic future with them. That'll put other better women for you off to boot.

Wagon

Everything Wibbs posted is spot on and this part is especially important.

Wibbs wrote: »

Do not be one of those (frankly pathetic men) who become orbiters or a shoulder to cry on while they sit back watching as other guys get access to more of her anatomy and a romantic future with them. That'll put other better women for you off to boot.

OP, I gather your pretty young still. Or at least, this is the first time you've had to deal with this situation. Chances are she'll want nothing to change and carry on as per usual and never mention this again. I'd advice against this route of just carrying on acting like it didn't happen and take time away from her until you are 100% over her. She will have a MUCH easier time dealing with this than you so put yourself first.

The absolute worst thing that can happen is that you indeed become one of these orbiters who get all the moments of affection such as cuddling, kisses on the cheek and being the shoulder to cry on thinking it all might be getting you somewhere. Believe me, it isn't. Don't fall into that pit mate, put yourself first for the time being at least.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

The absolute worst thing that can happen is that you indeed become one of these orbiters who get all the moments of affection such as cuddling, kisses on the cheek and being the shoulder to cry on thinking it all might be getting you somewhere. Believe me, it isn't.

+1 strangely it'll have the opposite effect that you want. A lot of men just don't get that.

I can understand why the woman plays into it too. She gets to have all the emotional support without the emotional responsibility of being in a sexual relationship with you. She also has the freedom to seek out another guy to have that with(and more) while always having you as emotional safety net boy in the background.

Men can also do this too with women orbiters, but generally more along the sexual angle. The "friends with benefits" angle. They get to have sex and cuddles without the responsibility of an adult relationship and the rough and the smooth along with that. They usually come out with the "I'm not into a relationship at the moment". Usually followed by them meeting a woman that they will be into having a relationship with.

As a general rule for both genders I would suggest; don't be a man in friendzone and equally don't be a woman in bonezone.

LegacyUser

I'm coming at this from the opposite angle. I have a male friend, who I knew liked me...but thought I'd made it perfectly clear that the feeling wasn't mutual. Evidently, he hadn't quite taken the hint. As a friend, someone to have a laugh with etc I love him to bits, but there's no physical attraction there whatsoever. He never made a move as such until recently when shortly after I'd left him he texted me to tell me he was planning on kissing me but I'd dashed off as my bus had just come. God am I glad that bus came, I'd have pulled away leaving a very awkward situation...now I still have to deal with the text message.

I don't want to lose him, as a friend, but I certainly don't want a relationship with him. Most likely, now, I'm going to lose a friend as he doesn't appear to see me as just a friend.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to lose him, as a friend, but I certainly don't want a relationship with him. Most likely, now, I'm going to lose a friend as he doesn't appear to see me as just a friend.

Hard situation to be in. I feel for you and you don't sound like you're yanking his chain either so kudos. The thing is IMHO you've already lost the friendship for the moment at least. For me anyway a friendship is based on some level of equality and if one person feels something more it eats into that. You can never be sure how they are around you or what they say to you isn't based on trying to get with your romantically. Until he moves on romantically from you, he can't really be a mate to you as this will come back up again.

Now you could just keep him in your life and keep your distance, but that takes a lot of effort and he'll likely keep clutching at straws thinking he has some chance. Hell I know a guy who did that for nearly 10 bloody years. Didn't so much as look at another woman. Right up to the point where the object of his attention got married. Not good.

I've had this only as a guy. A woman I knew as a mate told me she wanted more. I wasn't interested and it got to be difficult. The best thing I did for me and for her was to detach myself from her. She objected intially and I didn't see her for years, but I did bump into her and she was happily with a guy who was mad about her. She saw that it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to for me, as she was a good mate, but it was defo better for her.

G86

I really feel for you, its a hard situation to be in I've been on both sides, and to be honest I think that the best way to deal with it is to cut contact for a while, you can't get over someone when you're seeing them everyday. And thats what you have to do - you have to get over her. I know its not a break up but its the same feeling of loss, you're lost the hope you had of something happening between you, and that feels just as bad.

She'll be happy to stay friends I'd say, and just won't mention it again, but I do think you need to distance yourself from her at least. As other posters have said, you don't want to be that guy she turns to when all the others don't work out, wondering why she never gave you a chance to make her happy.

Go find someone who cares about you as much as you care about them, but get over her first, you can't meet someone new when your hearts distracted by someone else.