Commitment phobic man - Please help

LegacyUser

Heres my dilemma,

Im a 34 year old lady and ive been in a relationship with a man of 34 for the past 3 years year.

WE love each other.

Problem is he does not seem ready to really commit (ie) move in, get engaged, have kids. Problem again is i really do and im not getting any younger.

We have talked about it and he says he is not ready and doesnt know when he will be. I told him maybe we should take a break and he was very upset as was i and didnt want to. So were ploughing along as usual no further on, and certainly no closer to getting married, kids etc.

Id appreciate your opinion please.

sardineta

He should have grown up by now. Maybe he's just not that into you. Tell him to put his cock in the custard or jog on.

Silverfish

sardineta wrote: »

He should have grown up by now. Maybe he's just not that into you. Tell him to put his cock in the custard or jog on.

Erm... heh.

OP, this would raise a few flags for me tbh.... it'd be quite clear to me that if I wanted these things, and my partner didn't, that we weren't on the same page and we didn't want the same things.

Part of the attraction of having a relationship is a connection with someone who wants the same things as you. I'd have a serious think about whether I wanted to be with someone who was so different from me.

sardineta

Silverfish wrote: »

Erm... heh.

OP, this would raise a few flags for me tbh.... it'd be quite clear to me that if I wanted these things, and my partner didn't, that we weren't on the same page and we didn't want the same things.

Part of the attraction of having a relationship is a connection with someone who wants the same things as you. I'd have a serious think about whether I wanted to be with someone who was so different from me.

Err, yeah, what he said.

mollypop

Silverfish wrote: »

Erm... heh.

Part of the attraction of having a relationship is a connection with someone who wants the same things as you. I'd have a serious think about whether I wanted to be with someone who was so different from me.

I agree, if you're not on the same page your love could soon turn to resentment. You have to ask yourself honestly, what is more important, having this man in your life or having the wedding, house, kids etc.

ownknee

My heart goes out to you.
Is it that he's not sure about marriage & kids or is he not sure about you? I know you said he loves you & got upset when you suggested a break but I think it's a question you need to ask him.
Whatever the answer is going to be you need to know because, I'm not trying to be horrible, but if its a case of him never wanting kids & marriage then you're wasting you're time.
This is always something you are going to want & if you don't get it then the relationship might end anyway because of resentment.
On the other hand a lot of men see family/ friends/ colleagues with wives & children & freak out with the enormity of it all.
You have to remember too that while he loves you as you are he probably knows you're going to change once marriage & babies arrive on the scene.
If you get married then you're going to want babies straight away & waiting to get pregnant can break the best of relationships.
If & when you get pregant & have a baby you're priorities will completely change. He won't the number one in your life.
I sound harsh but thats the reality of it. Try & talk to him again because if you're together this long then it would be a shame to throw it away. Maybe go away for a night somewhere out of you're normal environment & he might find it easier to open up about it.

Carlotta

Unregistered wrote: »

Heres my dilemma,

Im a 34 year old lady and ive been in a relationship with a man of 34 for the past 3 years year.

WE love each other.

Problem is he does not seem ready to really commit (ie) move in, get engaged, have kids. Problem again is i really do and im not getting any younger.

We have talked about it and he says he is not ready and doesnt know when he will be. I told him maybe we should take a break and he was very upset as was i and didnt want to. So were ploughing along as usual no further on, and certainly no closer to getting married, kids etc.

Id appreciate your opinion please.

Isn't your job to force him into marriage? Human race would have died out long ago if women stopped doing this.

LegacyUser

ownknee wrote: »

My heart goes out to you.
Is it that he's not sure about marriage & kids or is he not sure about you? I know you said he loves you & got upset when you suggested a break but I think it's a question you need to ask him.
Whatever the answer is going to be you need to know because, I'm not trying to be horrible, but if its a case of him never wanting kids & marriage then you're wasting you're time.
This is always something you are going to want & if you don't get it then the relationship might end anyway because of resentment.
On the other hand a lot of men see family/ friends/ colleagues with wives & children & freak out with the enormity of it all.
You have to remember too that while he loves you as you are he probably knows you're going to change once marriage & babies arrive on the scene.
If you get married then you're going to want babies straight away & waiting to get pregnant can break the best of relationships.
If & when you get pregant & have a baby you're priorities will completely change. He won't the number one in your life.
I sound harsh but thats the reality of it. Try & talk to him again because if you're together this long then it would be a shame to throw it away. Maybe go away for a night somewhere out of you're normal environment & he might find it easier to open up about it.

Yeah, it's ridiculous to describe it as a "phobia" when it can so often end in misery. You yourself have said that it's partially because "you're not getting any younger", so do you love him or is he ust ""good enough"?

Silverfish

Carlotta, unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Miss Fluff

Did he ever say in the three years you have been together that these are things he wants eventually? i.e. surely it has come up what his general feelings and beliefs are on marriage/kids etc. Or did you always presume he would want the same and now the realisation that he doesn't has come as a bolt out of the blue OP?

If it's the former and he's suggested that these are things he wants and now doesn't then it's probably time to call it a day if this is really important to you. He obviously doesn't want these things with you.

If it's the latter then goodness only knows. Tbh I'd be really surprised that in a loving relationship of 3 years duration, considering your ages, this is something that hasn't come up before now.

Salome

You've got to ask yourself, are you wasting time here? Talk to him, tell him that you want all these things and if he's not prepared to be the one to give you all these things, tell him that it's over.

A friend of mine gave a similar ultimatum to her on-off boyfriend - he came round to her way of thinking when he realised he was going to lose her - once and for all.

I'm not saying that ultimatums work - often they don't - but at least you know where you stand.

Princessa

sardineta wrote: »

Tell him to put his cock in the custard or jog on.

I have never heard that saying before... :eek:

Have you told him that you biological clock is tickig at it gets harder over the age of 35 to concieve... after 3 years and at the age of 34 you would think he wouldnt be such a commitment phob, oh men, wouldnt it be easier if we swung the other way sometimes.

LegacyUser

Did he ever say in the three years you have been together that these are things he wants eventually? i.e. surely it has come up what his general feelings and beliefs are on marriage/kids etc. Or did you always presume he would want the same and now the realisation that he doesn't has come as a bolt out of the blue OP?

If it's the former and he's suggested that these are things he wants and now doesn't then it's probably time to call it a day if this is really important to you. He obviously doesn't want these things with you.

If it's the latter then goodness only knows. Tbh I'd be really surprised that in a loving relationship of 3 years duration, considering your ages, this is something that hasn't come up before now.

Thanks for your replies everyone
Hi Miss Fluff

He says that he wants all these things eventually and that he wants them with me. But to be honest he has been saying this for a long time. I am starting to feel a bit resentful of him and am feeling he is just too selfish to give his time energy and money on kids, wedding etc. I think he feels he has missed out on alot of oppurtunities in his twenties and wants to follow his ambitions in his thirties in relation to education career etc .

Nitxteha

My cousin was the same as you, she was living with a gorgeous lovely guy for 8 years in Canadam everything was great except for that: she wanted to have a family and he just didnt (especially, he didn't want to have kids).

She made the hardest decition in her live (or so she told me) and just broke up with him and return home. Back there she met a guy she had gone to school with. He had divorced after a year. So they met through other friends a couple of times and then they started dating. Shortly after they got married when she was almost 40.

Now they have a boy and a girl, a dog, a cat a house..She was a lawyer and gave up her work, now she is a happy mum and housewife. They are really family-oriented.

I personally don't understand why my cousin's boyfriend or your boyfriend wouldn't like that, but life is short and if that's what you want go for it!

estar

hello there

i would say that in 99% of the relationships I have observed or been in if the man really loves you, and its realistic, he gives you what you want in terms of commitment.

maybe he isnt ready. maybe if you dont pressure him in three years he will be. maybe he wont

either you deal in maybes or you dont

i bet you are living together? if he doesnt see an immediate future with you perhaps its time to move out, and live seperately.

as thats what people do when they dont have a concrete future plan together - live seperately, and see what happens?

as beyonce would say - if you like it (and you are 34 have been going out 3 years and you know what she wants and dont want anyone else to get it) you put a ring on it

maybe you have made him too comfortable. become more independant. plan more nights out on your own. save for your future on your own. if you cant depend on him DON'T. let him know that life will go on regardless.

and put a time frame on this.

this is what I would do, but you are going to get a million different answers to this one. i like what i like. i want what i want. and i want someone who wants that too.

but someone else is going to say be relaxed and wait because that would suit their personality.

it depends how much of a compromiser you are and how patient, and how well you know him

do YOU think not yet means never? personally i think you deserve some commitment after 3 years.

estar

i can see now you dont live together. isnt it time things moved along for you? start planning your own things and see what he does / says.

ie dont be so available. let him be sad if he thinks you are going to move on without him.

you cant put too much pressure on though. you cant emotionally blackmail.

id be putting some distance between me and him at your point just for my own protection if after 3 years at 34 he wasnt even considering a long term future.

if he is part of a couple he has to think as a couple - not just what suits him but what suits you both.

clones1980

Im just wondering was ur OH ever in a long term relationship . Has he maybe been with someone before you that maybe ended badly and he doesnt want to get overly close with you until he is 100% sure???

LegacyUser

Hi clonesbabe

No he has never been in a LTR before me so i cant imagine him ever been hurt before.

wicklori

Hi OP!
I never imagined that there could be someone out there in an exact replica of my situation!! I'm with my fella a VERY long time! We're both 30... We don't live together and we're not engaged. We love oneanother but are very realistic about eachother having had some extreme ups and downs!
My fella says the EXACT same thing as yous-"I'm not ready and I don't know when I will be"... He is adamant that he wants marriage, children, the house the dog... and also that he wants them with me. BUT he can't put any time-frame on it! And like you, I can hear the ticking of my biological clock....
The only issue he appears at all able to engage with is building a house. But even this is at a snails pace! Might be an idea for you to try that route-build or buy?? With the market and mortgages as they are that might be a way to open the conversation in a way which might appeal to his pragmatic sensible side??

Oh The Humanity

I think in 'manspeak' -'Im not ready, and I dont know when I will be'
really translates as 'Im not really bothered' or 'Im not sure about you'

Im sorry to be harsh but if he isn't sure after 3 years, I think you should move on if marriage and kids are what you want. You dont have time to waste on lukewarms.

Best of luck.

3DataModem

Unregistered wrote: »

Problem is he does not seem ready to really commit (ie) move in, get engaged, have kids.

We have talked about it and he says he is not ready and doesnt know when he will be.

He's entitled not to want to commit. He's entitled not to know when he'll be ready.

YOU are entitled to want marriage / kids etc. YOU are entitled not to find his reluctance acceptable, and act accordingly.

Nobody is in the wrong. But what you both want is currently incompatible.

I would leave him & give him time to think about what he's losing. As another poster said... maybe he's a little too comfortable / thinks it'll blow over / waiting for something better.

My advice? Get out. Have fun.

---

Now for the difficult bit.

---

You need to decide if being on your own and starting again is really better than being with him + the chance of him committing... and that's a tough choice. Many "feministas" (apologies for pejoration) will say "dump him"... "you deserve better" etc... but deserving better and getting better are two different things. You have to be pragmatic because it is your happiness (nobody else's) that's on the line.

---

Good luck.

wicklori

3DataModem wrote: »

---

Now for the difficult bit.

---

You need to decide if being on your own and starting again is really better than being with him + the chance of him committing... and that's a tough choice. Many "feministas" (apologies for pejoration) will say "dump him"... "you deserve better" etc... but deserving better and getting better are two different things. You have to be pragmatic because it is your happiness (nobody else's) that's on the line.

---

Good luck.

Sore but true! That pretty much summed up where I arrived in my messed up head!

kevmy

Sorry OP but 3 years isn't a long time to be going out.

If you were 4 or 5 yrs younger you probably wouldn't even be asking these questions and saying "ah we've plenty of time". The pressure is coming from you here not him. Maybe it's the fact that guys don't feel the clock ticking as much as the ladies but that's a fact.

You say he wants marriage, kids, etc. Do you believe him? If you do are you willing to wait a couple of years with the man you say you love to have that? Or are you willing to throw it away over it? And lets be honest here if you do dump him are you going to meet a guy you like, start a relationship with him and have marriage and kids all within the 2 to 3 yrs it would take for your other half to come round to the commitment? Unlikely.

Also you say something about him going back to college or something? If he is in the middle of a college course he may not feel able to make a commitment as a lot of us guys are still old fashioned - we want to provide for our other half. If he is a year away from finishing ask him would he be more likely after he finished his course/when he gets a job (easier said than done in this climate I know)


Basically for me it comes down to 3 things.
Do you love him?
Do you believe him when he says he wants to make a commitment to you?
Can you wait the amount of time he has to make that commitment?

calahans

Maybe you need to talk more about this. I found that guys can change quite quickly in their 30's. They enjoy the care free life but soon realise that they are being left behind as their mates have kids.

Tell him exactly how you feel - its serious. If you want to have kids you need to get the skates on and you need him to know it. If he reacts negative you then need to see if you want him or kids more...

Sleepy

The Corinthian had a good post on a similar thread a few years ago, something to the effect of:

Men are like lobsters - throw them into a boiling pot and they'll scream but if you heat the water slowly, they'll cook happily...

OP, you mentioned your other half is concentrating on education and career right now. Maybe he feels like ye should be in a better position financially before embarking on expensive weddings and raising (far more expensive) children... it this climate as the father of a 5 month old I'd consider that to be a very smart outlook.

Can you compromise on a level of commitment? Rent a place together with no further strings or deadlines. On one level it's a huge commitment to move in with someone but on another, if things go pear-shaped, you're both out with a months notice to the landlord...

Dudess

sardineta wrote: »

He should have grown up by now.

Meh, if he's not ready, he's not ready. It's scary stuff for some people. Doesn't mean he's not into you though, OP.

starchild

hi op

this is such a difficult situation, if someone is not ready for something such as living together , marriage, kids etc even if they are forced into it resentment often grows

unfortunatly for you if your oh says he is not ready for this then that is the reality of the situation right now

my suggestion would be tell him that you respect he is not in the same frame of mind right now & are willing to stay with him

have a real heart to heart with him and let him know how important marriage kids etc is to you & that while you are now staying in the relationship this will not be indefinite & that if you cannot find what you are seeking with him then you will ultimatly leave & not on a break but permanently

I would think this would at least get the idea seriously into his head and give him the time to mull it over

while i would not give him a time frame as this creates an ultimatum which most men dont respond well to i would certainly say you should have a time in your own head and if that time comes to pass and no commitment then perhaps the natural life span of the relationship has been reached

i hope it works out for you both