Advice re childhood abuse

LegacyUser

Long story short (my childhood was very unusual and giving even a few details might reveal who I am or at least who my family are). I was abused / molested (but not raped) as a child by a grown man (well, he was in his early 20s). I've hardly any memories of my childhood - I presume I somehow blanked them out - the only memories I have are a few that have been triggered by photographs my parents have or when the event was sufficiently memorable that I can recall bits. It’s always been at the back of my memory but I never told anyone. Then about 2 years ago I told my bf (we were going out 3 years at that stage). Ever since I told him it’s like I can’t get it out of my head. Now I have nightmares about it, it comes into my head all the time, I’m struggling to enjoy sex with my bf and my sex drive has gone from 100 to practically 0 cos I’m getting flashbacks since I told him. I wish I’d just kept it bottled up inside. Sometimes I think it explains some things about me and the way I react to situations and then other times I think that’s just psycho babble rubbish and I can’t blame everything in life on some event that happened years ago.

For some time now I’ve had this urge to tell my parents what happened but I can’t bear to put guilt on them. I’m not blaming them at all but I don’t know (since I’m not a parent myself yet) what way this would affect them. I’d hate them to be burdened with the guilt that they put me in that situation so to speak but I feel like this is eating me up inside. Any parents out there who can help me to understand whether or not my parents would be glad that I’d finally told them what happened or would it be better for them if I kept it from them? I know that my older brother / sisters still have contact with this guy (he is their age) and I’m not sure how they would take the news.

Also, (partly why I think I may have blanked some of my memories) I can’t even remember exactly what age I was when it happened. I know I was younger than 13 (he went away travelling when I was 13) and I’m fairly sure I was over 8 (cos we lived in a different house until I was 8 I think).

I’m afraid that they won’t believe me, especially considering who the guy is that did it. I only have memories of one time but I know somehow that it happened lots of times because the time I remember is when he told me that we had to stop and that if anyone found out they would blame me and that it was my fault for starting it. Thing is – I can’t remember it starting so how can I prove that wasn’t the case.

Sorry – this is all very jumbled up. I guess I just want to know whether now that I've told one person and basically brought it all back into my consciousness I should, in effect, lance the boil to release the pus (i.e. speak out, have to deal with all the fall out and then I might be free of all these thoughts) or should I just keep trying to forget and will I ever be able to really forget or will it always be there at the back of my mind.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Just to add -

I was such a happy person from 19 (when I left the place I lived – the place it had happened in), I had my life in front of me, I had hopes and dreams. Now I just feel its so unfair that my life has become so messed up so much and he has some perfect life with his wife and kids. I’ve dislike myself now, I’ve no confidence anymore, I don’t really go out anymore – I encourage my bf to go out without me and now I’m distanced myself from all my friends. Its like I’m trying to punish myself but I don’t understand why cos I know deep down that none of it was my fault.

I feel guilty about it, then I feel guilty that I feel guilty about it cos I know I shouldn’t be guilty, then I feel guilty for being so selfish and self-absorbed making such a big deal out of it because its not like he raped me. It’s just one big headwrecking circle.

I want him to suffer / be punished but they only way I can see that happening is if I put my family / his family through hell to and I don't want / can't do that to them.

LegacyUser

Hi there
My heart goes out to you but personally I feel you need to face this head on, dont try and bury it because now you have let your memories forward again it will only dominate your thoughts and affect your life.

I am dealing with Sexual abuse from a different angle from you, its my 4 yr old Son who has made the claims against his Dad and I am finding it almost impossible to get the HSE to listen let alone act.

I would advise you to visit this site www.oneinfour.ie as they have online trained counsellors who can advise you.

Please dont let it go for your own sake and the sake of any other poor unfortunate child he might choose next.

These people need to be stopped ruining others lives.

I wish you well and hope you get the peace of mind you deserve

Plek Trum

Hi OP and well done for having the courage to post.. thank you.
It is very common to react to abuse such as this later in life and your confusion, doubt, reactions and questions are all perfectly normal in response to it.. be assured of this.

I would ask you to please contact your local Rape Crisis network centre (dont be put off by the name) http://www.rcni.ie/hlp_map.htm

There is excellent and free help, support and counselling available there and I cannot recommend them highly enough. You will be treated gently and with respect.

Taking the first step to call in in person or even ring IS the hardest, but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Best of luck and please do take time to contact them, you deserve your future to be happy and fulfilled.

bluecell99

Hi there,

well done for outlining things so well in your post.A few pointers which will hopefully help you.First off none of what happened is your fault.You have made a great step in confiding in someone close to you - well done.From here on it gets easier step by step.You must think of you.Forget other peoples reactions and how they will feel.Unfortunately you cannot avoid this - and I know you are concerned about the folks.They will ,in time ,accept the truth and turn their anger and blame to where it should be directed - at a grown man who did what he did.

You owe it to yourself to be happy and free.You will need support and time.The next step is a sympathetic and professional counsellor who will assist you see things clearly.Day by day.Be strong .You did nothing wrong.

There is a great life awaiting you.Go for it.

star-pants

Hi hun,

you poor thing that must have been awful to go through - and don't feel ashamed or guilty for any of it! It's far from your fault (even if you were to tell your parents, it should in no way make you feel bad).

Seen as how bringing it up seems to have brought with it all of these feelings and memories which are hindering your life at the minute - I think bottling them up won't help. You've released the lid now - so if you can, I'd try and deal with it. But you don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. I would suggest going to a counsellor as they're trained to deal with these situations and know the workings of the brain and how best for you to get through it.
You can decided during/after counselling if you wish to tell your parents or whomever about this person. Not saying he still does bad things now - but it's possible... and I'm sure you'd like to prevent that from happening to someone else.

Something like this will probably always be in the back of your head - because you're always trying to forget it. If perhaps you were able to talk it through with a counsellor or something you might be able to change those feared feelings into something more acceptable and easier to deal with.
Best of luck hun - I do think you'll be ok.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, you have my greatest sympathy. As another poster said, good on you for posting. I have gone through something very similar to you. I'm not sure how much I can help you but perhaps hearing my point of view will make you feel a little less alone. Forgive me if what I say is a little all over the place, it's hard to organise my thoughts about the whole thing.

I can relate to so much of what you say. I was abused by a family friend, but like you I don't remember what age I was when it happened. I can only remember one specific incident but much of my childhood is a blur and like you I wonder if I have blocked out other incidents. I didn't remember what happened at all until I was a teenager and I didn't begin to deal with the whole thing until I began to go out with my husband when I was 19. Luckily he was a great help, an absolute rock, but still it threatened our relationship and it took a long time for me to get back on an even keel again. I do feel I got through it to a certain extent at the time, but I have to admit that it still haunts me (7 years later) and that I'm not fully over it. It takes time and it takes a huge amount of support, which unfortunately is not always forthcoming. Let me explain.

I will say one thing first and it is true: It was NOT your fault, there is no way it could have been. You were a child and you could not have chosen what happened. I think it is an instinct for victims of abuse to feel it is their fault, and abusers use this to their advantage. The reason I think I blamed myself for it is because it gave me some feeling of control over the whole thing - it's very very hard to admit that someone just did something to you and you had no part in it whatsoever, it turns you into an object, a nothing. However, blaming yourself also makes you feel you deserved it on some level, which is just plain wrong. A big step to getting over the whole thing is working towards really believing this, and that is not easy. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

I am very sorry to say that you can't always expect a supportive or positive reaction from people if you tell them. I talked to my husband about the whole thing and that was a great help, but that could only go so far so I also saw a counsellor. Disaster. I feel she did more damage than good, by basically making me feel that it WAS my fault. I don't want to give the impression that counselling isn't an option, I just think you need to be aware that just like in any other profession there are some awful counsellors out there who shouldn't be in the job. Luckily I saw what she was like and I stopped seeing her but I was still left in limbo and I had a sort of breakdown. I totally rejected my husband and broke up with him. It was at this time, when I was at my lowest ebb, that I told my mum, desperate for some support. Her reaction was disappointing to say the least. She said that something similar had happened to her when she was young, that I should just get over it, and that I shouldn't tell my dad. She never mentioned it to me again. To this day that is one of the worst things to arise out of the whole situation, and one of the most difficult things to come to terms with, as I feel my own mum rejected my cry for help and just didn't really care. I haven't forgiven her for it and I don't know if I ever will.

In case you're in despair now, things do get better! I saw another counsellor while I was still broken up from my husband, and she was fantastic, I can't express how much she helped me. Being able to talk to someone sympathetic, to express how I was feeling and to just cry about it was like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. She gave me my confidence back and I eventually got back with my husband, thanks be to god. He has been my constant support ever since.

I've been having a hard time lately and the whole issue started to rear its ugly head again, I suppose because I am stressed and feeling less able to deal with things. I do realise now that while I got past the initial stages of dealing with it years ago, I still have more work to do. I started seeing a counsellor again, but that's not been going on for long. Still, it's been a help. Also, I decided to confide in a good friend of mine who has been beyond amazing. He stayed up all night listening to me, just letting me cry about the whole thing and it has helped enormously. I feel I am making even more progress towards really dealing with it and I feel very positive. However, the issue with my mother is still in the background and I'm not sure if that will ever be resolved.

You say you wish you had kept in bottled up, and I can totally understand that. I sometimes look back on the times when I hadn't faced the whole thing and wish I could go back to that. The thing is, I don't think it's possible to keep it bottled up, it'll just gush out of its own accord. Now that I have more clarity on the whole thing and I have dealt with it to some extent I realise that rooting it out of me, though painful and difficult, will be the best thing for me in the end. Looking back I feel now that when I had the whole thing bottled up I wasn't really living, I was just looking on and not letting myself feel things. Life is so much better if you're open to it, but being open unfortunately means feeling the whole thing, going through the pain and coming out the other side. I do feel it's worth it though.

I can't recommend seeing a counsellor enough. As others have advised, the best thing is probably to go to the Rape Crisis centre. I didn't, but I may do in the summer when I have time, as those counsellors have specialist training and so are most likely to be helpful. The counsellors I have seen have all been free ones attached to whatever college I've been at at the time - ends up being a bit hit or miss. You deserve to feel better and to get through this, invest some time in yourself.

Sorry for going on and on, please post again if you feel up to it, ask me any questions you want. I am happy to help.

CDfm

You would want to be very sure of your ground before you accuse someone.I think abuse is awful but false accusations are equally awful to the accused.

My first port of call would be a good GP as it is a stressful event and you will need referal to a trained councellor not a gifted amateur.

I wish you well and there are some posters who really know there stuff on abuse issues

LegacyUser

OP here. Sorry - I couldn't seem to access this part of Boards all wkend.

Thanks for all your replies so far. Its funny but I slept so well the night after I first posted this.

When I said that I want him to be punished I've realised I don't mean punished as in legal consequences etc. If I thought there was any chance of him doing this to other girls then I defo would have spoken out about this before. I'm 100% sure that (without going into too many details except to say that I grew up in a religious cult) his actions weren't a result of him having tendancies towards young girls but rather that he was probably incredibly sexually frustrated and I was his easiest / one of his only options.

I want him to be punished as in I want to know that he is torn up over what he did and that the guilt is eating him up. I want to know that every time he looks at his daughter and worries about some guy doing to her what he did to me that he realises how horrendous his actions were.

As for false accusations - I know for a fact that it happened at least twice but I just don't know how many more (if any) times it happened other than that and I don't remember how it started (i.e. I can't remember the first time).

LegacyUser

OP here.

I tried to post over the weekend but boards didn't seem to be working. I also posted this morning but it still hasn't been put up on the thread.

It took me a while to sort my head out replying to you and I can't seem to re-write it now.

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice so far. I'm going to contact oneinfour when I get home tonight (am sending the oh out to the pub so I have the house to myself).

LegacyUser

ALBA Counselling

For Adults who have experienced childhood abuse.
1800234112

Rape Crisis Centre
1800778888

estar

why you cant remember - from talking to similar people., is that your mind shuts down and carries you along with it, protecting you. then when you reach an age when you can process this, and are safe, the memories come back.

what he did was very wrong, and he should get help himself. you deserve the support of your family and not to suffer alone. get help, before the distress you feel gets worse, as also from talking to people, once those memories are back they are back. it will feel like regressing to start talking about it all these years later, but you havent dealt with the emotions from this experience and instead have buried them which works until you grow up and understand fully what happened.

these feelings are already interfering with your life. please contact the rape crisis centre and seek expert help immediately.

abusing a child is not a correct expression of sexual frustration. there are many sexually frustrated men out there who wouldnt find a girl under the age of 13, so young sexually arousing. the fact that in his 20s he considered this appropriate at an age when he was definitely an adult and you were definitely an undeveloped immature young child means he to me, definitely has issues and problems of his own.

first things first deal with your own feelings. deciding to tell your family is a decision for another time.