Constant abuse from EX - what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have two children, split from their father a few yrs ago. Basically he cheated, and when i found out he denied it, then started twisting things and blamed me for being unfaithful!! then came the abuse, both physically and verbally. he ended up being charged with assault and sentenced for 3 months but appealed and got probation. I had to get a protection and barring order against him.

He has never supported us financially. .I have been the sole carer for our children since the split. he never stuck to visitation (did when it didn't interfere with his social life) but now children are of an age where they are old enough to decide for themselves if & when they see him. (which is very rare) but their choice and i respect their wishes.


My problem is since the split he has been consistantly texting abuse to me - saying what a bad person/mother i am. I destroyed our family. Name calling etc.. really horrible nasty stuff. Say's I don't care about my children. I went to the guards with messages they had a word with him, but he is still at it. He Even rang Social Services to complain me loads of times - they eventually had to tell him to stop wasting their time. As they could see there was nothing amiss at home.

He is obviously unstable - to listen to him you'd think he was the best dad in the world. A real upstanding member of the community. Involved with various clubs etc. And he bad mouths me to anyone that'll listen - he even tell's the children horrible things about me, which are untrue. and for a while i think they may have believed him (like why would dad just make stuff up?) but now i think they realise the truth. He has turned on them a few times aswell for no reason.

He is relentless in his put down's - l usually ignore him. But after years of this its really wearing me down.. I have changed my number loads of times, but he still gets it - from childrens phones etc.. and i'm sick of changing numbers. I have contacted my service provider to see can i block his number - but apparently you can't just block one single number from sending txt msg's, you'd have to block all txt's.

I mean I know this guy isn't worth it, as I am only one looking after kids. He's doing nothing constructive to help out. He's not willing to support his kids, but will sit in judgement of me and put me down, and every chance he gets will tell kids the most horrible suff about me. He's pathetic really - But I'm really sick of it. I just want to make him go away.

I would appreciate any suggestions?
Thanks

smileysurfer

Ifhe is constantly harrassing you and sending abusive msgs why dont you get a restraining order or just report him to the police! At the moment he knows he can get away with it so he wont stop until he's pulled up on it! the police are the people to do this!!

MagicMarker

Well, there are other options, but I don't want to get myself banned. All I'll say is just carry on ignoring him, don't EVER react to something he does, eventually he will just stop, it may take a loooong time, but it will happen.

Mr. Incognito

Change your phone number?

Darthhoob

just ignore him hun, and keep going to the police. dnt ever give him any feedback though cos thats probably what he wants. he wants to know he is affecting you...so dont let him x x

The Sweeper

She's already said she had a barring order against him and changed her phone number, but he gets the number again from the kids' phones and I can only assume the barring order has lifted now because he's physically out of her life and it needs to be lifted so he can see his kids.

OP, this is a really difficult one.

Would you take him to court for sole custody of your children? What age are your kids? If he's already useless, and a terrible influence, could you make the decision to oust him utterly? If you have sole custody, you could relocate without letting him know where you're going.

Can you get a restraining order that prevents him from contacting you by text message? Can you talk to your solicitor about the level of harassment you feel you're under, and see if there is some level of restriction that can be inflicted upon him so that he is penalised for pestering you?

Alternatively, get a second phone. Have one phone that is the number the kids can ring if they need you. Block all texts to that number. Then have a second 'mum's own life' phone that you just give your family and friends. If your kids need you they can call you at home or on the general mobile. They don't need to know the other number. If he needs to speak to you he can call you on the general number. He doesn't need to be able to text you.

Unfortunately, with an arsehole like your ex husband (because face it kids, that's what he is) the only solution is no contact at all. The sort of person he is means he just can't help himself - he used to be able to control you, now he can't, so all he can do is abuse you.

If your kids are old enough, I'd seriously ask them how they feel about seeing him. Look at applying for sole custody, and then either relocate or get a total barring order where he can't as much as speak to you. Organise a third party to coordinate visits by your kids, on their terms, if they want to see him, so you don't contact him at all and he doesn't contact you at all.

That, and finally, don't listen to him. I can imagine his abusive texts are wearing and exhausting and upsetting, because you're not a bad mother and you didn't ruin your family. Frankly, in my book any woman who takes the steps you've already taken to get a violent, abusive partner out of her own life and more importantly away from her children - that's a good parent, not a bad one.

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I have two children, split from their father a few yrs ago. Basically he cheated, and when i found out he denied it, then started twisting things and blamed me for being unfaithful!! then came the abuse, both physically and verbally. he ended up being charged with assault and sentenced for 3 months but appealed and got probation. I had to get a protection and barring order against him.

He has never supported us financially. .I have been the sole carer for our children since the split. he never stuck to visitation (did when it didn't interfere with his social life) but now children are of an age where they are old enough to decide for themselves if & when they see him. (which is very rare) but their choice and i respect their wishes.


My problem is since the split he has been consistantly texting abuse to me - saying what a bad person/mother i am. I destroyed our family. Name calling etc.. really horrible nasty stuff. Say's I don't care about my children. I went to the guards with messages they had a word with him, but he is still at it. He Even rang Social Services to complain me loads of times - they eventually had to tell him to stop wasting their time. As they could see there was nothing amiss at home.

He is obviously unstable - to listen to him you'd think he was the best dad in the world. A real upstanding member of the community. Involved with various clubs etc. And he bad mouths me to anyone that'll listen - he even tell's the children horrible things about me, which are untrue. and for a while i think they may have believed him (like why would dad just make stuff up?) but now i think they realise the truth. He has turned on them a few times aswell for no reason.

He is relentless in his put down's - l usually ignore him. But after years of this its really wearing me down.. I have changed my number loads of times, but he still gets it - from childrens phones etc.. and i'm sick of changing numbers. I have contacted my service provider to see can i block his number - but apparently you can't just block one single number from sending txt msg's, you'd have to block all txt's.

I mean I know this guy isn't worth it, as I am only one looking after kids. He's doing nothing constructive to help out. He's not willing to support his kids, but will sit in judgement of me and put me down, and every chance he gets will tell kids the most horrible suff about me. He's pathetic really - But I'm really sick of it. I just want to make him go away.

I would appreciate any suggestions?
Thanks

He sounds just like my ex; a solicitor once said she reckons there's someone writing a script for these guys!

I had to change my phone number on numerous occasions, though eventually the abusive phone calls have stopped thank God! Many a time he phoned me and threatened me. When I moved out of the family home and into my own house he rang me and told me to be very careful as anyone could break in...

I found some guards to be helpful but tbh, most times they just don't want to know. On one occasion my ex kicked away at my car while I was in it-I was terrified. I went to the guards who firstly threw my sister out of the room (she'd come with me for support). Then the guard asked if he could see the car, wherupon he said 'there's only a little dent in that car, sure that's nothing...'

In my opinion though it's what these 'fathers' say to their own children that really hurts. The constant negative things said to kids about their Moms (and am sure happens in reverse too), is a form of child abuse as it messes with kids heads. I know my children get very frustrated and angry due to this, and then I have to pick up the pieces. In my experience no court in this country will acknowledge or deal with verbal abuse cases.

I've gotten to the point where I have accepted that my ex is sick in the head, but it still is very difficult to deal with.

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice OP, but I wish you all the best for the future...

Oryx

Unregistered wrote: »

I just want to make him go away.

Unfortunately from the sound of your post youve tried all the realistic options to make him go away and it hasnt worked. MAJD has it in a nutshell, he used to control you, and cos he cant anymore, he is fcuking up your life this way. Except the great part is, its not working for him. You are strong, your kids are beginning to see him for what he is, the social services know what he is at, and the police are aware. So he is not winning at all. Apart from inside your head, which he is wrecking.

I think that any reaction he gets from you, be it directly or via police is great for him as he knows he is affecting you. So you could react by raining solicitors, gardai or burly friends on him, or by posting his number in fake small ads , but I think anything like that would be counter productive and possibly encourage him to continue. Unless you particularly want to pursue him for money or to punish him for this via a legal route, then avoid, youve already been there and it sounds like it was immense grief and didnt help much, anyway. Record incidents yes, but just so its there if its needed.

It may seem weak, but god, it sounds like youd be playing into his bullying hands, giving him the reaction he wants.

Silence is your first defence, so he doesnt even know he is hurting you. As long as he is no longer physical with you, dont ever react to what he says. Shrug it off. You already know he is pathetic, those around you that havent copped this yet, soon will. Delete his texts without opening them. If you cant read his venom, then you dont have to even think about it. I dont see your kids attitude as being a problem, they seem to be realising what the score is, and as they get older theyll see it even clearer. I know its hard on you, jesus, noone likes to think that awful lies are being told about them, but hold your head up and do your damndest to ignore it. All his talk is the equivalent of a three year old throwing a hissy fit when they dont get their own way.

Splendour

Oryx wrote: »

Unfortunately from the sound of your post youve tried all the realistic options to make him go away and it hasnt worked. MAJD has it in a nutshell, he used to control you, and cos he cant anymore, he is fcuking up your life this way. Except the great part is, its not working for him. You are strong, your kids are beginning to see him for what he is, the social services know what he is at, and the police are aware. So he is not winning at all. Apart from inside your head, which he is wrecking.

Silence is your first and BEST defence.

You've hit the nail on the head Oryx with regards to the control thing. He is frustrated 'cos his puppet ain't complying anymore... Apologies for ad libbing your post but silence is the only way to go...

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

Thank you all for your responses. I have been ignoring him .. but sometimes it's all i can do not go scream from the roof tops! I'm not a vengeful person, but sometimes I would love to show him up and humiliate him like he does to me. I used to defend myself everytime he said something, but not anymore. But He is wrecking my head, because worryingly it has to be affecting our kids. No-one want's to believe their parent is just a rotten to the core. They are teenagers now so they can contact him themselves if they want. he has no reason to have contact with me. It's like he can't help himself.

But your right - looking back on our marriage he did control me, because i let him which is worse! and was devasted when we broke up but not anymore - i think he see's me getting on with it and just HAS to stick the boot in.

Thanks for your responses, nice to get other views on it.

The Sweeper

OP, have you ever right out said to him "Stop contacting me"?

Have you ever come right out and said "I'm not interested in you, or your opinions, or what you have to say. I'm not interested in a single word that comes out of your mouth. Stop texting me. Stop calling me. I don't care who you talk to about me, or what you say about me, but I'm sick of listening to you and I just don't want to know."?

If you haven't tried it, try it.

And then - and this is important - ignore him. He'll kick off if you tell him the above, try to pull you into an argument about who said what first and who did what that makes him behave the way he does. Blank him. Ignore him. Don't rise to it. If you do respond, make it only to reply with "No further contact, please." Nothing else.

Have you tried it yet, or does he suck you in to fighting or replying more often than not?

LegacyUser

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

OP, have you ever right out said to him "Stop contacting me"?

Have you ever come right out and said "I'm not interested in you, or your opinions, or what you have to say. I'm not interested in a single word that comes out of your mouth. Stop texting me. Stop calling me. I don't care who you talk to about me, or what you say about me, but I'm sick of listening to you and I just don't want to know."?

Yes, have told him numerous times both him and his opinions don't matter to me. to stop contacting me. - still sends something - its like he has to get the last word. haven't actually said "no further contact" bit yet. But have told him all his messages go deleted unread.


Have you tried it yet, or does he suck you in to fighting or replying more often than not?

I ignore him more times than i answer him - but have replied - but only to tell him to get lost. i suppose even sending that is letting him know he's getting to me.

LegacyUser

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Can you get a restraining order that prevents him from contacting you by text message? Can you talk to your solicitor about the level of harassment you feel you're under, and see if there is some level of restriction that can be inflicted upon him so that he is penalised for pestering you?

QUOTE]

that's a good idea, will check that out. Although this guy thinks he is the Law! - but that'd be great if I could. Would probably have to start saving his messages tho, to prove it to solicitor - have deleted most of them as I really don't want his poison on my phone.

thanks

littlefriend

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Alternatively, get a second phone. Have one phone that is the number the kids can ring if they need you. Block all texts to that number. Then have a second 'mum's own life' phone that you just give your family and friends. If your kids need you they can call you at home or on the general mobile. They don't need to know the other number. If he needs to speak to you he can call you on the general number. He doesn't need to be able to text you.

Think you should give this some thought...seems like a good idea to me.

LegacyUser

littlefriend wrote: »

Think you should give this some thought...seems like a good idea to me.

Yes, I agree - thanks u all for your help