Boyfriend breaking it off for rubbish reason

LegacyUser

I started seeing someone (first boyfriend) almost 4 months ago. This was fairly recently after I'd accepted that I was gay, and so I was lucky that I managed to find someone who was so kind and patient, and who I love and who loves me. We got along really well, and were making plans to live together, and possibly move away from dublin and start a business together. I know that all sounds rushed, but it's something we both want, and we have a unique opportunity to do it together now.

Now he's decided that I'm using him, and he wants to break up before things get any further.

What sparked this off was that I decided to try playing rugby. I've enjoyed watching rugby for quite a while, and I've intended to give it a try, but never really bothered to take the necessary steps. He told me fairly recently that his nephew plays for a gay rugby team in ulster, and that they were down playing a gay rugby team in dublin a few months ago. I hadn't even been aware that gay rugby teams existed in Ireland. I thought about it for a while and this seemed like a good opportunity to a) Try rugby and b) Have a group of friends for whom my sexuality wasn't an issue. I mentioned it to him a few weeks ago and it didn't seem to bother him, but then when I came back from training last night he told me that he wanted to end it now.

His reasoning was that (based on his experience), the way things work is - I come out, date him, realise that being gay isn't a bad thing, run off to find other gay friends, start dating them or when out with them, and leave him.

It hurts me so much that he's displaying no trust or faith in me. It doesn't bother me remotely that he still is in close contact, and regularly meets, a number of his exes - I know that he loves me, and I trust him. I am refusing to lose him for something that he thinks I might do at some random point in the future. I've told him as much, but now I don't know what to do. I firmly believe that he will realise he's making a mistake, and probably just needs some time. But I don't know what to do in the meantime to try and minimize the damage. I know I should give him some space so he can think about this, but if I back off completely he might take it as confirmation that I'm "moving on" or some such bull. Anyone else been through something like this - any advice, and how did it turn out for you?

Sorry about the long post - there's a certain amount of ranting going on here too of course. Thanks.

Stark

It's a tough one; it sounds like you've done the best you can do. No-one can expect you to forgo interests outside the relationship and you were right to hold firm on this. Best thing you can do I guess is just to keep the lines of communication open, and let him know that you still see a future for the relationship. If he does continue to be foolish and ends things, you'll know it's not your fault.

Rick_

You trust him when he keeps in regular contact with his ex's, but could it possibly be that one of his ex's is the problem? Maybe he is interested in getting back with one of them and is just afraid to say it to your face?

If a lack of trust on you is whats making him want to break up with you, maybe you should remind him again of how much you trust him, using the ex's example, and see what he says. If you don't get anywhere with it, maybe he's just a head-wrecker and you're probably better off being friends than anything else, as hard as that may be. If his heart isn't in it, for whatever reason that may be, you're hardly likely to be able to make him be all for it again.

But you need to find out the reason, whether it's his own insecurities about the relationship and if you will someday leave him or whether he actually does have something for an ex and wants to go back with them. Good luck, I hope it works out OK for you. Let us know.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far guys, really helping.

Paddy C wrote: »

You trust him when he keeps in regular contact with his ex's, but could it possibly be that one of his ex's is the problem? Maybe he is interested in getting back with one of them and is just afraid to say it to your face?

Definitely not, I've met some of them too, and I know they're just friends - he's just very good at keeping in touch with people and keeping his friends involved in his life. He's always been very upfront with me about them too, and so I've no reason not to trust him. Hopefully he just needs time to realise that his past experiences don't apply to me - I feel like I haven't given him a single reason not to trust me, but he's doing it anyway.

grr

Anyway, thanks for the comments so far, keep em coming - it's really helping me to rationalise this in my head.

Boston

Sounds like he's fairly insecure.

bluecell99

I agree with poster above and the insecurity issue.In addition,you say you KNOW he love you.How?With respect four months is not a long time to be together and you say you only started accepting yourself shortly before you met him.Could it be that you are seeing things through rose coloured glasses and ,because he is more experienced and longer dealing with other gays ,that maybe he is just being practical and realistic?Perhaps its happened him before and is just trying to prevent more upset and stress.Maybe I am being pessimistic but it does sound as if he has made his mind up and its best to let things go at this stage.Early pain now will be better than prolonging something and storing up serious trouble for the future.

I had guys declare their love for me only to be dumped by text shortly afterwards - twice in the last four years.

nxblues

heh there I agree with Boston. Not to be too pessimistic about your man but it does sound like he is a bit insecure. However i do find it interesting that he thinks you're going to run off when you blatantly care about the guy (hence coming on here for advice). All i can advise is to reassure him that he is loved by you. Anything else is really beyond your control which is sad to say. He sounds like he likes you and don't let anyone else tell you different esp the ones who say 4 months is a short time to fall in love. No one on here has met you and they don't know the situation with you two. So i hope you can work it out with him, cos like i said, you obviously care and from what i've read so does he...you may just have to remind him now and again that you love him. All the best dude and congrats for your recent coming to terms with yourself.

scottyfan

(Me again - Signed up for an account)

Thanks people, all very helpful. I realise now that he is quite insecure, and needs a lot of reassurance. I'm still not willing to give him up, but I can see that it will be emotionally draining if we can't address it. I think I'm going to have to give him a bit of space to come down from this latest attack, and then see if we can have a conversation about this.

BTW, I'm not saying I'm without flaws either - I find it very difficult to open up and talk about my feelings, which could lead to him to think I'm hiding something. I have been getting better though, and have opened myself to him more than I thought I could. I really don't want to lose him because of all this.

Anyway, thanks for the help.