What to do???

LegacyUser

OK i am a 19 year old girl and i have been with my boyfriend the last three and a half years.We have fought a lot in the relationship and he has hit me a couple of this and pushed me in front of his family and his sister said i deserved it because i provoked him. But what i will say is after him hitting me a couple of times i decided to stand up for myself and hit him back now he did stop that until two weeks ago he pushed me and i smacked my head of a wall and i think he hit me because i had a bruise on my chin as well but cant really remember.

When he hit me and i would tell him its over he would tell me he was going to kill himself if i left him so i stayed with him. We have been fighting a lot and every time we fight he calls me every name under the sun fat slut whore everything you can think of and i am now attending the hospital with my heart which races a lot very fast sometimes like 150 and there but it down to stress which i reckon is because of all this.

So last week we finished again and i got the strength which i never had before to say i am not getting back with him and i was talking to lads i used to hang around with and they gave me more strength we finished for three days but yet again he start texting and ringing and saying he cant live without me and he thinks he is going to do something to himself so i went around to him an now here i am three days later back with him he says he is going to change and he has been nice since we have been back together.

But i never get five minutes to myself he lives with me always with me he doesn't want to get out of my car to talk to his friends in case me an the girls are talking about lads to be honest i don't want to me with him anymore but i cant get out of it like every time we finish he says he is going to kill himself.

Also one of his brothers hit me before as well. There always talking about me and slagging me when they see me. I used to be such a happy go lucky girl but now i am so down in the dumps no self confidence depressed i hate getting up out of the bed because i know its another day with someone i don't wanna be with. He also told me before in his house in front of his family he was going to hang me and told his sister to kick my head in.

Before we got back together the other day i begged him to just be happy without me but he kept saying i cant be happy without you i even asked him just to give me time to think and we wouldn't let me i had to get back with him that day so i am with someone that i don't want to be with an finally got the strength to feel that but know i cant get rid of him because he is being nice now but that ain't going to last.

Please any help appreciated

LeixlipRed

Get as far away as possible from him.

Miss Fluff

What are your living arrangements? You said he lives with you. So did he move back in after the break up? Have you got your own place or are you living with friends or with your parents? Have you a decent support network around you OP?

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

So last week we finished again and i got the strength which i never had before to say i am not getting back with him and i was talking to lads i used to hang around with and they gave me more strength we finished for three days but yet again he start texting and ringing and saying he cant live without me and he thinks he is going to do something to himself

He won't. He's a coward and a bully and wouldn't have the nerve to do anything to himself, especially if he knows that just by saying that he'll have his punchbag back shortly.

OP, you need to get away from him and his family as quickly as possible. There's a lot of help you can get with this, you don't have to try and deal with the issue on your own. I suggest you get in touch with any of the following:

Womens Aid

HSE Domestic Violence Web Page

SAFE Ireland

You don't say if you attended a doctor for injuries inflicted by him, but if you have the doctor will have a file which will show a pattern of violence. There may be a way of pressing charges for assault if that's the case, but the people at the websites above will be able to advise you better than I can about that.

No woman should have to endure what you have, so for your own sake please leave this guy and put your own needs, not his, as your highest priority.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here
He is living in my house with my perents and me but they no nothing about this. When we finished the other day my mam and dad told me not to let him pressure me to get back with him. They kept ringing me when i was out to make sure i was ok and my dad said if he is presuring you tell me and i will deal with him. But i dont want that either because he has a big family and there all the same as him. Yes i have a great support if i was to tell but i dont want to my friends know because they seen him do it..

LegacyUser

Zaph wrote: »

He won't. He's a coward and a bully and wouldn't have the nerve to do anything to himself, especially if he knows that just by saying that he'll have his punchbag back shortly.

OP, you need to get away from him and his family as quickly as possible. There's a lot of help you can get with this, you don't have to try and deal with the issue on your own. I suggest you get in touch with any of the following:

Womens Aid

HSE Domestic Violence Web Page

SAFE Ireland

You don't say if you attended a doctor for injuries inflicted by him, but if you have the doctor will have a file which will show a pattern of violence. There may be a way of pressing charges for assault if that's the case, but the people at the websites above will be able to advise you better than I can about that.

No woman should have to endure what you have, so for your own sake please leave this guy and put your own needs, not his, as your highest priority.

I OP here i have proof that he hit me never went to the doctors but the gaurds seen it one night and stopped me an wanted to bring me me home and press charges and i said no because i knew it would of made things worse.

b3t4

He treats you the way he does and threatens to kill himself if you break up. hmmmmm

Here's the thing. If you don't break up with him he might just kill you before he ever gets around to killing himself.

Who's more important here you or him?

He's already proven to you that words mean dip sh!t to him. He keeps going back on his word not to hit you again, right? Therefore he's threats/words of suicide are idle ones at best.

If he does attempt suicide then that's his choice. You in no uncertain way make any call on the final decision. That final decision is for him to make.

Walk away, actually better still run/sprint away. Get your coat and get yourself to a safe place if you need to (with family, friends)

The more time you waste with him the more time you waste being stuck in a terrible relationship while you could be in a very good one. I'll vouch for the fact that there are a trillion times better relationships out there for you.

Also, I highly recommend you seek some form of counseling to boast your self-esteem which must be shot at the moment.

Let me tell you another thing there are plenty of women out there who have managed to shake off such a terrible excuse for a human being. You can too.

b3t4

Right, just seeing that he lives in your parents house with you and that his family aren't the best. Tricky but possible to sort out.

1. Break up.
2. Change locks.
3. Head away to somwhere else for a while. I'm not talking about a holiday as who can afford one of those at the moment!

Zaph has given some good links.

A

kaiser sauze

Move out. NOW!

Sorry to be so concise, but people like him, and his family, never change.

Are you a woman who likes to prove the theory of 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' working? If you stay with him, you are.

SoWatchaWant

Get away from him, he's bad news.

D-Generate

Break up with him, if he kills himself then that was his own choice and frankly a bastard who hits women would be no loss. However they are just empty words from him I imagine but please report him to the Gardai before/when you break up with him and let the courts stop him from hitting another woman down the road.

Sammag

He's not going to kill himself if you break up with him - he doesn't have the ball's to do so. He's a control freak and says this to regain power - it's probably the first 'tip' written in the
"Dummys guide on how to be an obnoxious, scumbag, woman-beating, control freak, as*wipe."
TBH - (and I do feel a bit bad saying this) but if he did go through with it, I don't think it would be such a great loss...

I feel for you OP, your situation sounds very scary. But at the end of the day you're dealing with a pack of bullies and giving a bully what they want is just letting them win. Ask him, or get your father to ask him, to leave his house immediately. You, nor your family should live in terror of what he or his family 'might do to you'. Take the control back.

I'm not 100% sure how this whole issue works but I'd go to the guards if I were you and try to get a restraining order out on him and any of his immediate family. Also write down everything on paper he has done to you physically and mentally in the past and from now on in, all threats made against you and your family etc.. You may need this in the future.

Please take on Zaph's good advice above and give those organisations a call - if even just for a chat. They're there to help people exactly like you and you'll get great strength from these people.

Beruthiel

OP.
Dump his ass and never look back.
He's a coward and a bully and you're life would be nothing but miserable if you were to stay with him.
Remind yourself that the longer you stay with someone like this the worse they get.
A time would come where you would end up in hospital, or worse...
As for his threats about killing himself.
If it were me, I'd tell him straight - "You're dumped, what you do with your life after that is your business"

Do yourself the biggest favour you could possibly do and get rid.
Bar him from the house and tell your parents that the locks must be changed.
Tell your parents what he has done.
If my daughter were in your situation I would bend over backwards to sort this out.

LegacyUser

Tell your parents exactly what he has done to you, this, in a way, takes the decision away from you. There is no way your father will allow a man who is beating and berating his daughter stay in his house.

After your dad has thrown him out get a new number, and only give it to the people you trust the most, anyone else can get in touch through your closest friends.
Go to the gaurds with your dad and ask for a restraining order.

You are an important and precious person to the people who truly love you, remember this, and remember how devestated your family would be if anything were to happen to you.

He will not kill himself, people who kill themselves are deeply depressed people who can see no way out..... he is a selfish coward.

I bet, once your family know the truth, he wont dare show is face around your house.

Act now, you are only 19, please do not set this horrendous pattern of abuse for the rest of your life.

paperclip2

Hi Op,

I'd say you have a pretty clear picture of what you need to do here. Other posters have put up links to support services. I would ask you to take that support and to take it now. You know you are at the start of an long and horrendous road if you stay with this guy. If you stay with him you will waste so much of your precious life in hell. Please do what you have to do to get away from him now. You are worth so much more than this. What he choses to do is not something you can control. If he decides to hurt himself or if he chooses to beat you black and blue there is nothing you can do to prevent either. Please do whatever you need to do to get the strength to finish it.

On an aside I'd say your mam and dad and your mates are probably more clued in about whats been going on than you might think. You aren't on your own.

Take care of yourself.

AngryBadger

Unregistered wrote: »

i would tell him its over he would tell me he was going to kill himself if i left him so i stayed with him.

You need to end this, and get away from this guy any way you can. Just cut off contact with him, change your phone if you have to.

This is all about control. This guy thinks he can get you to stay around and it's working for him. You need to end this, and every single time that you feel doubts, or anything for this guy you have to remind yourself that he's using your feelings for him to completely manipulate and control you.

I can't stress enough how badly you need to get out of this situation, and as if that wasn't bad enough, his brothers hit you too??!?!?! Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

tbh

get out now. If he kills himself, he kills himself. He won't kill himself.

tbh

tbh wrote: »

get out now. If he kills himself, he kills himself. He won't kill himself.

Better him than her.

Oh The Humanity

Look OP, he is a textbook bully.

They all say they will kill themselves if you leave them, that is called 'guilt manipulation'

In other words he tries to make you do what HE wants by making you feel guilty. He is trying to make it seem that if he did kill himself, it would be your fault.

Heres the truth: It would NOT be your fault.

Heres another truth: Its very unlikely he will kill himself. What is more likely is that he will find himself another victim to bully.

You have got to work on seeing through him. I am getting from your post he has been your other half for most of your young adult life. So really OP, the fact that you dont know any better is all that keeps you with him....you know?

This is not the way a relationship is supposed to be, all this drama, hitting, ups and downs, manipulation, punishment, abuse.

This is an abusive relationship.

He is fooling you into thinking he is the one with the power. But he isnt.

He is weak and deficient. Thats why he enjoys bullying you. He knows he cannot be seen to enjoy it though, so what does he do, he blames you.

And worse still you listen. Do you find yourself trying to change your own behaviour all the time? Do you find yourself trying to predict what will cause an outburst?

These are signs called RED FLAGS, among many others you have described in your posts.

You say you dont want your friends to know, THEY ALREADY KNOW.

Do you want to be the one everyone pities?

The one they say 'ah God love her, will she ever learn, he baits her around but she just keeps going back for more, the gullible gob****e'

No, you dont. Well, thats what they all will say. Stop going back to him.
People will support you if you stick to the break up, BUT if you keep going back again and again that support will dissolve and you will be left alone with nothing but you and HIM.

Get out OP AND STAY OUT.

LegacyUser

If he kills himself (which is unlikely) it will be nothing to do with you.
He has problems and his family are scum by the sounds of things.
You are 19 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Live it and leave this person behind, it's not your problem, do you still want to be living this life when you are 21? 30? 40 ++++

no.

Pub07

OP this situation is just dumb. You're staying with this total prick because he says he'll kill himself if you leave. There is not a chance in hell he will do this, its all talk, and even if he did, which would probably be a good thing, its not your problem its his. Next time he says he'll kill himself just laugh and say 'you are full of sh*t', and let him know you're not gonna fall for this nonsense any more. The solution to this situation is so simple, just leave him an dont respond to texts or calls.

LegacyUser

If your dad says he will sort things out let him, tell your parents what has happened, once stuff is out in the open, and your people know, it will be so hard for you to go back with him, as they wont accept him anymore....so TELL THEM.

Get him out of your life completey, get a restraining order if needed.

I know violence is not the answer to this, but bullys need to be treated hard, i'd love for the likes of him to get a really bad going over somenight by a group of men, see how hard they are then...sorry off the track!!!

You are only young, you dont need this, he constantly hits you, a once off is bad enough, but this is ongoing behaviour!! So wrong, my mother put up with a life like this, and not only did it affect her, but us too!!! Its a horrible situation to be in.

Leave him, go and get yourself help, get your family involved, it will take you a while to get over this crappy stage in your life, but you will be much stronger after all this...think of all the nice men out there!!!

He wont kill himself, that is nonsense, and if he does, then so be it. You are not responsible for him and his actions.

ManOfMystery

Hi OP,

I went out with a girl once who was the same. Obsessive, violent, etc. If I said I was going to leave, she always threatened to kill herself.

I would never have laid a finger on her as I'm the kind of guy who won't touch a woman.

Eventually I had enough and completely broke off with her. For a week or two it was terrible, constant texts and phonecalls threatening suicide. Then she got nasty, said she would get me sacked from my job, etc.

I didn't give in to any of it. I ignored everything she threatened, and told myself - if she does commit suicide, its her choice, not mine. I can't make myself responsible for her actions for the rest of my life, and I can't stay with her if I'm not happy.

8 years later, guess what? She's still alive, and although I've never been in touch with her since I have seen her out and about. I did hear from some mutual friends that she falsified a rape claim, so that shows you what kind of girl she is - twisted.

Just dump him and move on. He's a control freak, and his threats are simply a way of controlling you. The sooner you realise this and stop feeling responsible for his life, the sooner you will be free.

Miss Fluff

Nowhere in any of your posts so you even suggest you have feelings for this guy so the onlye reason clearly you are taking him back is because of fear. Not a good way to live your life.

Idle threats of killing himself are classic bully-boy tactics and it is highly unlikely he will follow through. Even if he were to, this is no reflection on you. He's a nasty piece of work.

Tell your friends and family the truth and look into getting a restraining order out on the bastard. If you stay with him he will ruin your life and from the way things look, it's far more likely that it will be you who ends up six feet under rather than him. Be kind to yourself and get rid once and for all OP.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here
He is living in my house with my perents and me but they no nothing about this. When we finished the other day my mam and dad told me not to let him pressure me to get back with him. They kept ringing me when i was out to make sure i was ok and my dad said if he is presuring you tell me and i will deal with him. But i dont want that either because he has a big family and there all the same as him. Yes i have a great support if i was to tell but i dont want to my friends know because they seen him do it..

Your Dad seems to care about you very much but make sure he is careful of how he reacts to you boyfriend. Your boyfriend sounds very manipulative and one of the last things you want is him provoking your dad into hitting him and having your Dad up on assault charges. Make sure your dad knows how manipulative your boyfriend is and to be carefull about how he deals with him.
Im just saying this because it sounds like your Dad (and Mam too) is a typical caring parent who would do anything to keep his daughter safe.

Sephiroth_dude

My god if he hit you and pushed you in front of his family then you should have been rid of him long ago.If I saw my brother hitting or pushing his g/f Id slap him across the head and give him a kick up the ass,Dump him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here
I am strongly considering showing my mam and dad what i have wrote here because i cant bring myself to tell them. Then when they read this i can explain. Thats just what i am thinkinig now i am trying to come up with another way to tell them. I know its going to hurt them aswell because all along they have been asking me what is up with me i aint happy anymore and is there something going on and i just keep saying no. There going to be upset that i kept it in for so long.
Thank you for all the help so far even the comments are making me realise.

Princessa

If he's enough of a coward to hit a woman, then he's too big of a coward to kill himself. Its a control method he's using on you that been working. Why wouldnt be able to live without somebody who he has absolutly no respect for? He couldnt have any respect for you if he treats you like that. And dont believe the "I will change..." bulls**t. Chage your number and cut him out of your life, it will be hard as you have been togehter a long time, but luckily you know its the right thing to do, best of luck.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here
I am strongly considering showing my mam and dad what i have wrote here because i cant bring myself to tell them. Then when they read this i can explain. Thats just what i am thinkinig now i am trying to come up with another way to tell them. I know its going to hurt them aswell because all along they have been asking me what is up with me i aint happy anymore and is there something going on and i just keep saying no. There going to be upset that i kept it in for so long.
Thank you for all the help so far even the comments are making me realise.

They'll only be upset because they care, I'm sure they'll be extremely supportive. We all make mistakes.
Do show them the thread, and good luck

Miss Fluff

Good idea OP, you really need to tell your parents everything, they will then be in a position to help you and protect you. This is too much to have to contend with on your own. Good luck.

estar

this is so unfair on you on so many levels. you are so young and so are probably not equipped to deal with this on your own. its a great idea to have your parents involved and their help and experience to guide you, to help you deal with this emotional blackmail and abuse.

no one should ever threaten another with suicide to get what they want. this is not a genuine effort, and even if it is the only answer to this, is see your GP and get professional help.

you arent qualified to deal with this. leave it to the professionals. you should have broken it off with him the first time he threatened or frightened you.

and as for his brother hitting you? why didnt you go to the guards and report him? why havent you reported any of this? he has committed a crime and assaulted you. he is a danger to the public.

if he hits you and lets others hit you he will hit any children you ever have. he will get worse over time, and so will your self esteem and anxiety. is that really what you want?

throw him out. if you have to - get a restraining order. and then stay single for a while until you can make a good choice about a man.

you are too young to be this tied down. being 19 should be about being free, setting your life up, learning, travelling, growing up.

instead you are tied to a violent controlling man and are having health problems as a result.

we are all responsible for our own lives. we all must stand on our own two feet and shoulder our own burdens.

you know what you need to do. do it and dont look back.

minidazzler

OP, stop being so caring. Get away from him, if he kills himself....GOOD, He hit you, let him do away with himself.

If he has done it in the past, and has allowed his brother to hit you, then you are being stupid going back to him. Change your number if you have to. Just get away from him. It is not good for you.

marzic

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here
I am strongly considering showing my mam and dad what i have wrote here because i cant bring myself to tell them. Then when they read this i can explain. Thats just what i am thinkinig now i am trying to come up with another way to tell them. I know its going to hurt them aswell because all along they have been asking me what is up with me i aint happy anymore and is there something going on and i just keep saying no. There going to be upset that i kept it in for so long.
Thank you for all the help so far even the comments are making me realise.

Tell them OP, they need to know so they can help you, you need their help. also can you get a new phone? it seems that you can never get away otherwise

LegacyUser

Hi OP here
I forgot to put in my orignal post that when his brother hit me my bf had a fight with him they bet each other. Since we have got back together he has been so nice so i feel now that i have to wait untill he does something wrong.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here
I forgot to put in my orignal post that when his brother hit me my bf had a fight with him they bet each other. Since we have got back together he has been so nice so i feel now that i have to wait untill he does something wrong.

Like what? Break your jaw? Render you blind? Don't be so foolish.

Talliesin

Unregistered wrote: »

OK i am a 19 year old girl and i have been with my boyfriend the last three and a half years.

So, you've been with him since you were a child, and this has perhaps influenced how "normal" it seems to you. There's an aspect of that with any ongoing violence within a relationship; it becomes "normal" and it's hard to get perspective on just how screwed up things are. If anything, you may be inclined to think things aren't as bad as they actually are.

Unregistered wrote: »

We have fought a lot in the relationship and he has hit me a couple of this and pushed me in front of his family and his sister said i deserved it because i provoked him.

So there's social support for his behaviour from his family, adding to the message that it's normal that both you and him receive from the situation, which will keep it going.

Unregistered wrote: »

But what i will say is after him hitting me a couple of times i decided to stand up for myself and hit him back now he did stop that until two weeks ago he pushed me and i smacked my head of a wall and i think he hit me because i had a bruise on my chin as well but cant really remember.

I'm a big believer in people's right to defend themselves physically. If someone hits or attempts to hit you, you have a right to use whatever physical force is necessary to nullify or reduce the treat they pose.

However, if you are with someone were you keep having to do this, then it isn't defending yourself. Successful defence either incapacitates the assailant, or gives you time to get away (or just gets you away, fleeing is the best defence there is). It doesn't put it off until later. If you haven't gotten away, you haven't defended yourself. You need to defend yourself; you need to get away.

One thing you have to decide if in a different situation where you may have to defend yourself (a mugging, a drunk looking for a fight, etc.) is whether it will reduce or escalate the threat. Here it seems its escalating it.

Unregistered wrote: »

When he hit me and i would tell him its over he would tell me he was going to kill himself if i left him so i stayed with him.

So what he tried worked then.

In dumping him you had a long-term defence (it might not stop him hitting you then, but it would make him lose his punching bag). So he switched tactics to treatening suicide. There may just about have been an element of despair and guilt in the treat, or their may not, but he was still directing that guilt at you. And now it's worked, its become what to his mind is a good way that makes you shut up and put up.

As well as it being important that his doing so is morally wrong, and hurtful to you, it's also important that it works. Because why should he stop as long as it keeps working?

No reason. None whatsoever. As long as you come back and he has to wait for you to get into a sense of security before the next time he hits you, then from his point of view the sensible thing to do is that whenever you start to stick up for yourself, he switches to the suicide treats.

It's not very likely that he will actually follow through on them; it's outward violence that you describe him being accustomed to rather than inward. And if he did, it's not your problem (and not much of a loss to the rest of the world, nett gain really).

Unregistered wrote: »

We have been fighting a lot and every time we fight he calls me every name under the sun fat slut whore everything you can think of

Which, of course, goes hand in hand with both the violence and with your putting up with it.

Unregistered wrote: »

and i am now attending the hospital with my heart which races a lot very fast sometimes like 150 and there but it down to stress which i reckon is because of all this.

Do those treating you know about your situation?

Unregistered wrote: »

yet again he start texting and ringing and saying he cant live without me and he thinks he is going to do something to himself

Unread texts and unanswered phonecalls can't do as much hurt as if read and answered. Change your number.

Unregistered wrote: »

he says he is going to change

What's he doing to change? What's going to lead to this happen?

Is he actually doing something that will help him really change and tackle the fact that at some level he thinks its okay to hit you, verbally abuse you, and threaten to commit suicide (which after all, he's just found still works). Or is he just not hitting you right now?

In the latter case, there's no reason why the next row or the next stress or the next just being pissed off, he won't hit you. And there's no reason why it won't be much worse the next time.

Unregistered wrote: »

and he has been nice since we have been back together.

So what?

Being nice is easy. Being decent is hard, because it isn't a fair-weather quality, and comes more to the fore when things aren't great.

Unregistered wrote: »

But i never get five minutes to myself he lives with me always with me he doesn't want to get out of my car to talk to his friends in case me an the girls are talking about lads

Ah, so he isn't even being nice.

If this behaviour were the only problem, it would still be a pretty serious issue. A deal-breaker level of bad unless he was doing something about it.

Why the hell shouldn't you be talking about lads?

Unregistered wrote: »

to be honest i don't want to me with him anymore but i cant get out of it like every time we finish he says he is going to kill himself.

So he hasn't stopped the emotional abuse, if he's threatening you like this.

If you are seeing this as "nice", you are deeply underestimating how ****ed up your situation is.

Unregistered wrote: »

Also one of his brothers hit me before as well.

Hitting you has been normalised, so to his mind there isn't going to be a reason why he shouldn't.

Unregistered wrote: »

Before we got back together the other day i begged him to just be happy without me

Don't. Don't communicate with him at all.

Unregistered wrote: »

but he kept saying i cant be happy without you

Who cares? You certainly shouldn't.

Unregistered wrote: »

i even asked him just to give me time to think and we wouldn't let me i had to get back with him that day

So even this "being nice" has to be on his terms and his timescale?

Unregistered wrote: »

When we finished the other day my mam and dad told me not to let him pressure me to get back with him. They kept ringing me when i was out to make sure i was ok and my dad said if he is presuring you tell me and i will deal with him.

Sounds like they at least suspect that something is wrong, or know it is, but not as wrong as it is, so they don't want to interfere (i.e. they don't think your relationship is good, but don't think it's as bad as it actually is).

Unregistered wrote: »

But i dont want that either because he has a big family and there all the same as him.

So cut the whole lot of them out.

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes i have a great support if i was to tell but i dont want to my friends know because they seen him do it..

Their position will be different once you've actually said something though.

Unregistered wrote: »

I am strongly considering showing my mam and dad what i have wrote here because i cant bring myself to tell them. Then when they read this i can explain.

I think that would be a very good idea.

Unregistered wrote: »

Thats just what i am thinkinig now i am trying to come up with another way to tell them. I know its going to hurt them aswell because all along they have been asking me what is up with me i aint happy anymore and is there something going on and i just keep saying no. There going to be upset that i kept it in for so long.

I don't think they're so much going to be upset about that, as just upset because things are bad, and they'll finally know just what way it's been bad.

They're also likely to be relieved in part that you're dealing with it at last, and that they can help at last.

Unregistered wrote: »

I forgot to put in my orignal post that when his brother hit me my bf had a fight with him they bet each other.

SO what? He told his sister to hit you, he tolerated (encouraged?) the rest of his family verbally abusing you.

Getting annoyed that your being continually subjected to abuse and violence didn't happen quite the way he likes it to be, does not speak well of him in the slightest.

He didn't defend you. He defended his being the one that batters you.

Unregistered wrote: »

Since we have got back together he has been so nice

No he hasn't. He threatened to kill himself up until you came back. He's controlling your movements. He's not letting you talk about certain subjects. He's being an utter creep. Compared to an utter creep who verbally and physically abuses you, that's an improvement, but if you'd described his "nice" behaviour on its own in this forum there'd be plenty of people saying "he's unlikely to change, dump him".

Unregistered wrote: »

so i feel now that i have to wait untill he does something wrong.

Firstly he's being a total bastard to you right now, so he's already done something wrong. Not letting you talk to other people (which, as well as a denial of your basic rights, is a good way to make you accepting of further abuse when it happens later on, so that when he gets worse you won't leave; oppressive "cults" do just that to their members for just that reason).

Secondly, that you're currently feeling strong enough to do so, is a much better reason.

That_Guy

Just read your post OP and I'm so sorry to hear that you have to be around such an inhumane person.

You have to get out of this and get out fast. Don't mind all of that stuff about him killing himself it is you who is the most important in all of this.

You're a human being, not a punch bag. I feel for you, I really do.

I hope you resolve this quickly for your own safety.

Loxosceles

Drinky drinky punchy punchy gargle whack gargle smack.

I hope you realise that there's more to life than this stupid ignorant nonsense. There is absolutely no way you could get a real life and hold down a decent job and raise a healthy, happy family in the midst of that bull.

Before you take any of the damn good advice you see in this forum, woman, you need to absolutely despise the white trash scenario in the original post SO much, that you actually take this advice seriously and apply it to your life post haste before you become a statistic.

minidazzler

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here
I forgot to put in my orignal post that when his brother hit me my bf had a fight with him they bet each other. Since we have got back together he has been so nice so i feel now that i have to wait untill he does something wrong.

OP, you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. You are an Adult. Act like one, he doesn't deserve you. He is a scumbag. Hitting female's is not on. Just tell him you no longer want to be with him. Simple as, end of story. Don't contact me anymore.

You are crazy to go back to him and stay with him after he has hit you. He has done it more than once, and therefore you have reason to believe he will do it again.


If you wait for the next time, what's to say you will survive? Get out now with your body intact.

Darthhoob

PLEASE (i cant highlight that word enough) dump his arse and talk to your parents about it.....whilst you still have your sanity and life. don't be his doormat any longer please, he will wear you down until you see no light. you are young, you dont need him, he brings nothing postive to you. in fact from what i read the only reason you're with him is because he says he'll kill himself if you leave. so what? you can bet every penny that he wont do it and if he does that one less scumbag coward the world has to worry about

DON'T feel guilty...get out now! please x x x

Pub07

Whatever about him being 'nice' now, he is definitely a bad apple. You should've got rid of him the first time he hit you, you dont seem to realise how out of line that is - it is the sign of a complete bastard, a guy with zero class. So what if he's being 'nice' now, you dont like him, you dont want to be with, he has treated you like sh*t for a long time - you are so caught up in the situation you cant see it clearly, I guarantee that when you break up with this twat you will look back in a few months and say 'what the hell was I thinking, why didn't i break up with bastard ages ago and save myself all the hassle and stress (and assaults)' - the only reason you are staying with him is because of the guilt trip he has laid on you which is no grounds for a relationship, you probably also dont want to disappoint him, you dont seem to like to say 'no' to him from what i can see, well its time to take some responsibility for your life and your happiness and tell this prick to FOOK OFF for good.

LegacyUser

Pub07 wrote: »

Whatever about him being 'nice' now, he is definitely a bad apple. You should've got rid of him the first time he hit you, you dont seem to realise how out of line that is - it is the sign of a complete bastard, a guy with zero class. So what if he's being 'nice' now, you dont like him, you dont want to be with, he has treated you like sh*t for a long time - you are so caught up in the situation you cant see it clearly, I guarantee that when you break up with this twat you will look back in a few months and say 'what the hell was I thinking, why didn't i break up with bastard ages ago and save myself all the hassle and stress (and assaults)' - the only reason you are staying with him is because of the guilt trip he has laid on you which is no grounds for a relationship, you probably also dont want to disappoint him, you dont seem to like to say 'no' to him from what i can see, well its time to take some responsibility for your life and your happiness and tell this prick to FOOK OFF for good.

OP here your right for some reason i dont want to dissappoint him by just breaking up with him when now he thinks everything is all happy. When really in my head its not but for some reason i dont think he is going to **** up for a while because he got a shock when i finsihed with him last time. He kept crying and crying till i did get back with him. Oh i really still dont know what to do.

minidazzler

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here your right for some reason i dont want to dissappoint him by just breaking up with him when now he thinks everything is all happy. When really in my head its not but for some reason i dont think he is going to **** up for a while because he got a shock when i finsihed with him last time. He kept crying and crying till i did get back with him. Oh i really still dont know what to do.

Do you realise you are being a Doormat? You don't even seem to like him. So what if he won't fcuk up for a while, that makes nothing OK. HE HIT YOU!!!!! He fcuked up enough. Get rid of him.


He Cried to get you back, is this your "Man"? Crying just to get his own way.


Please OP, I don't really want to read about you over breakfast some morning after he does some real physical Damage.


Get rid of him, tell your Dad EVERYTHING. If needs be, get a restraining order. You are not in a Healthy relationship. He doesn't care about you, he just can't do better. OP, you know that you are not in love with him. You know everything is not going to be alright. He will do it again and again. And it will take something terrible to change your mind.


Fcuk him, he is a woman-beating scumbag. If he does kill himself, good, one less horrible person in the world.


OP, for your sanity, and for your Health. GET RID OF HIM.

marti101

OP your parents know he hits you they just do.Also do you think you cna hide stuff like this,i can gaurentee wn=hen you finally break up with him everyone will tell you they knew all about it.Just go to the guards and tel the hospital everything they will detail and if you ever do need it,its there.To the people telling her to leave its not that easy she has to leave when ready and by the sounds if it she already left emotionally so shes plucking up the courage to leave physically.Tell your parents his power will be gone and he wont kill himself hes to much of a coward.But op leave before its to late to leave
Go get your support from Womens Aid you need the strenght and support to finish what you have started.Go and live your live without fear .

beth-lou

OP this is so, so, so sad.
You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you, please do not waste it on a man who thinks so little of you that he hits you, lets his brother hit you, lets his sister berate you and his family verbally abuse you.

You say he is so nice now. That's bull.
He cried to get you back. Well was he crying as he was hitting you?
Was he crying as you went to the hospital for heart palpataions brought on by the stress he is causing you?
Is he crying because you are hurt>

No! He is crying because he is hurt, because he has lost control and because he knows it's how to work you. He will keep crying to get what he wants and 20 years down the line, when you have kids running around will it be you or him who is crying, when the options open toyou to leave are so small.

Take a long hard look at his family.
Is this how you want to be when you have kids?
Do you want them growing up watching Daddy beating up Mammy whenever the mood takes him?
Do you want to step in to stop him beating them?
Do you want to watch your son hitting his girlfriend?

This is a cycle of behaviour that will keep going and will get worse as you get older. You are living with your folks now, can you imagine how bad it will get if you get your own place with him?

There is no hope for him but the future can be bright for you.
Stop making excuses for him, tell your parents and let them su pport you.
Tell your friends and let them encoorage you.
Be good to yourself and leave this guy. He is rotten to the core.

I haven't even bothered to deal with the suicide threats because they are not worth getting into. They are empty and he will never do it. Believe me, he will never do it. And if he does, well thank God for woman kind.

Please, please, please, please, please leave him.
It is only going to get worse.

LegacyUser

well op,every1 seems to b giving ya advice and your blatantly ignoring it,seems the only time youll leave him is when your leaving in a coffin,stop being so stupid and leave him now,its only going to get worse,once he raised his hand to ya in the first place that was when ya shudda left him,if that was any of me sisters that happened to i wudda sorted him out meself a long time ago,big family or not,most of the so called hard men who raise their fists to women are exactly that 'so called hard men',nothing but cowards.

stop making excuses for him and leave him,and get on with your life,youre only a young girl and im sure youll find someone else in the future who doesnt have to make himself feel better by threatening you etc,and who will love you for who ya are.best of luck

gubby

I can only add a few things to what has already been said. 1 I think that now you just feel sorry for him so I will tell you that if you dump him.. and dump him properly, maybe.. (but probably not) he may see what he is doing is wrong. He has been brought up like this.. maybe he needs help.. but not from you.
2 yes, your parents do know.. as a parent myself, I have always know when one of my kids have problems. but you have to tell them and give them permission to deal with it.
3.. I dont know you or where you live but if Cork would be far away enough for you to take a few days break to get your head straight you can always come and stay here with me my family. pm me if you want

GeorgeCostanza

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

My god if he hit you and pushed you in front of his family then you should have been rid of him long ago.If I saw my brother hitting or pushing his g/f Id slap him across the head and give him a kick up the ass,Dump him.

All I can say is his family must be some gang of knackers to tolerate that!

OP, don't waste any more time. You need to confide in your Dad (or any other family members or friends). You need protection and practical support now, not the support of random strangers on an internet forum. Tell your father, then get away from this psycho.

Loxosceles

If any of you spent any time trying to figure out the submissive personality like this female, you would find that yelling at a masochist is like yelling at a brick wall. Unfortunately, the definition of free will includes 'suicide-by-loser', and more than enough sadistic males in humanity are willing to provide for that fantasy due simply to human genetic programming. And, more than enough passive females with zero self-esteem are out there consuming drink to alleviate the bruising, to feed the breeding continuation of trailer-dwelling Epsilons.

meh.

The clinics are there, the counselors are there, the resources are there, and you can tell them where they are, but desperately yelling to try and convince someone to get off their ass and do something is going too far. The best inspiration for someone is to let go, let them hit rock bottom, and choose themselves whether or not they bounce back or hit 6 feet deep.

Really. "See you at the Darwin Awards" always does better for someone than pretending to care about them, because in essence, someone who begs you not to hit rock bottom is essentially doing it for selfish and egotistical reasons to try and look altruistic. Whereas if someone lets go and lets you fall, switching on your instinct to self-preservation is an act of compassion that has positive repercussions for a lifetime. I have no time for masochists, they play the cute hoor for the attention of sadists, and need to hit rock bottom in the ER with a feeding tube and a diagnosis of multiple contusions. That'll learn 'em. Sorry to say.