Slightly complicated girlfriend/guyfriend problem. How do you cheer up women?

LegacyUser

Herro,

My girlfriend has a weird relationship with two other guys. They've been friends since they were young, grew up together, primary school together, the whole deal.

It just kind of weirds me out. I know I'm being unrasonable, but I'm trying to stop that, I never say anything about them, always do my best to act friendly and such.

She tells them everything, like how she has gone on the pill, quite personal (ladies!) medical issues, family problems etc etc. I think I'm pretty cool about it, like I often tell her to go out with them instead of me and I wouldn't mind, and to be honest, I know she usually doesn't, she goes out with me.

Like I said though, she is incredibly close to them, and the thing that weirds me out is that they are both, quite obviously, madly in love with her (and I don't blame them, she is amazing).

Both these guys have asked her out in the past, though one just over a year ago (just before we started going out - bollocks - theres a point actually! What should be spent on a one year anniversary present?) and admittedly the other was about 3 years ago in fifth year !

Last week I met up with her and one of them in town, and as I walked into the bar was the exact moment to see my girlfriend streching to get a menu, while the guy (Fred) was completely obviously staring down her top. He was almost drooling. He turned and saw me as I walked in and jumped about fifteen feet in shock at being caught red handed, it was almost like something you'd see in a movie. I realise guys are guys though, sometimes stuff like that just happens...:).

Fred has a tendency to try and wind people up though, like thats how he gets enjoyment, a while ago while we were in the car together and I was looking out the window being quiet (I'm just a quiet person) and he starts going on with, trying to wind me up, "Whats wrong ? Does the closeness of my relationship with Sarah (the girlfriend!) make you uncomfortable ? We are really close...its a really amazing relationship we have, like we talk all the time. You know how when you're alone with her and you can't think of anything to say you just kiss ? To fill in time and stuff ? We don't have that because we communicate so well with each other....hahah you're so easy to wind up!". My girlfriend was with us so I was just kind of like "Haha...yeah...cool...".

It annoys me even more because Sarah's parents adore Fred. She has known him all her life, like, and he even texts her mother A LOT, and Sarah's mother is always trying to convince her to go out with Fred. They dislike me, I suppose because I'm quite shy and nervous, they were the first parents I ever had to meet, so...I didn't really make that good an impressing due to the nerves and such !

Fred and Sarah text every night too, they are really close. It weirds me out but I can't really say anything about it, you know ? It doesn't help that he is good looking, muscular, tanned and intelligent either ! And that his mother is her mothers best friend ! They are like a match made in heaven. It scares me.

I broched the subject last week, casually I was just like "Do you think Fred is in love with you still?"
"...Nah, I doubt it..."
"I'd say he is."
"Really ?"
"Definitely. What about Mark ?"
"Er..."
"Yeah he so obviously is"
"...Yeah *she nods*."

I'll try to keep this short since this message is getting longer than I want, but basically he has also been friends all her life and is BLATANTLY obviously fawning over her. Even a few of my friends have said it to me (and hers, for that matter). He is an arrogant, two faced, cocky berk - but not to her, of course. He asked her out a year ago and she said no because they were too good friends and she didn't want to ruin it or something. He goes to great lengths to try and make her go out whenever is possible, he involves himself in everything he can to be near her and around her, joins the same societies, goes the same places, "OOOH hey !! You're going to the gym !?! Me too !! Want a lift?". That sort of thing. But of course, she is close to him too, and I can't ask her to give up her friends, like.

He's also trying to organise a trip abroad - for the three of them - this Summer, which she is keen to go on since its always been her dream and the parents won't let her away with me (told you they don't like me, its fair enough though, she's still living in their house, so I suppose she has to live by their rules,but.... "Ooooh, but Fred is going ?! You should go then ! Want us to pay?" is a bit hard to stomach all the same").

Basically I'm asking what I should do. I can't say anything to her. She needs her friends and she's getting a rought time with tough exams and stuff at the moment, I want her to have all the support she can get. At the same time though, Fred makes me feel so insecure, while Mark...I can't help wanting to smack him every time I see him.

On that point though, they cheer her up when she is down, which I can't do, because they way they do it is kind of odd. Like when she has a problem they just make silly jokes and make light of the situation so she laughs and smiles and seems happier....but if I do that I'll look like I'm ignoring her and stuff. So I try to be there for her and stuff...."I know you might not be in the mood to talk, but I'm here if you need me, and if I can do anything to make you feel better just tell me and I will in a heartbeat", that kind of thing, and I really do mean it, but that just seems to make her kind of...I don't know...sullen, I guess ?

What can I do ? Am I going about cheering her up the right way or should I change if its just making her seem so grave ?

Thanks so much if you read this, I know it was really long, I just kind of got here and everything spat itself out. I love this girl, and I mean that in the non clingy, non immature, completely sure of it way. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So I just want to try and get things right. Or as right as I can at least !

Thank you so much !

GrumPy

Get flowers delivered to her in work.

Gyalist

Actually, it's you and not your girlfriend who needs cheering up. Your whole post reeks of insecurity.

All attractive women (and many that aren't so attractive) have orbiters. Read that again and let it sink in. Your description of those two guys is typical of orbiters. To a secure man who has even just a basic understanding of social dynamics, orbiters are not a problem because he knows that she uses them like a sort of emotional lightning conductor: they get her emotional crap dumped on them while you get the goodies.

Where did you get the idea that it's your role to cheer her up? You are only responsible for your own happiness. Women aren't special, delicate little flowers. They are perfectly capable of managing their own lives without outside assistance.

Faith

Was this thread yours too? If not, it's a fairly similar situation, there may be some useful advice in there.

Friends are really hard to compete with at the best of times, and it's even worse when they're the opposite sex and you have all those insecurities to deal with. You say in your post that you always try to act cool when her friends rile you up. But have you ever actually told your girlfriend that this kind of behaviour upsets you?

yellowcurl

Faith wrote: »

Was this thread yours too? If not, it's a fairly similar situation, there may be some useful advice in there.

Friends are really hard to compete with at the best of times, and it's even worse when they're the opposite sex and you have all those insecurities to deal with. You say in your post that you always try to act cool when her friends rile you up. But have you ever actually told your girlfriend that this kind of behaviour upsets you?

I was just thinking the exact same thing as I was reading the post.

Def some advice there, problems are practically identical!

Wagon

Gyalist wrote: »

Actually, it's you and not your girlfriend who needs cheering up. Your whole post reeks of insecurity.

I disagree here mate. If anything, he's a pretty stable bloke. Nothing in his post suggested insecurity just advice on how to deal with a situation that any red blooded male would be bothered by. I wouldn't like it myself, and there's not no respect for the boyfriend at all which isn't fair.

Now I know that birds have orbiters, but that never gives them the right to act like complete clowns and constantly put down a relationship and try and break it up. It's very obvious what this muppet Fred is doing. One thing I will say here is that there's no need to worry about it. The chap is in the friendzone and you never get out of that if you've been childhood friends. Same applies to the other chap.

If i were you, I would talk to your girlfriend. She has mates that she will tell personal stuff to but bloody hell there's limits. Telling secrets about your sex life, your relationship etc... is not on and if there's problems she should be coming to you to discuss them. I don't see how wanting to keep your relationship between the only people in it as unreasonable (many would say the same) so don't be afraid to tell her.

This is the fault of two parties. Your girlfriend is at fault for giving them details on the relationship and giving them oppurtunities to comment on it. Why she would tell that to someone she knows is in love with her is just ridiculous. And also it's the fault of her mates, for being dickheads. I suppose her parents could be included to, but don't let those eejits stop you

Luckyduck

I do think that you sound a little insecure. However, the Fred guy sounds like a right muppet. If that happened to my boyfriend when I was there I would not be long standing up for him as he is the man that I love. Maybe she likes the attention, what is she like with other men? I'm not saying that she is a cheater or that she doesn't love you but some women love the attention from any man and I say that as a woman! I think you should play it cool, be yourself. I would not worry what her parents think of you and sometimes our insecurities lead us to believe that others maybe don't like us yet nothing has been said to that effect. I find it strange that she will not go away with you as her parents won't allow her and she must be 19/20? She is an adult.

cantdecide

At your age, there will be a lot of hanging around in large groups etc this won't go on forever. You will effectively grow out of all that.

She is with you, not them. She reacts differently to you. That should be very relieving. She clearly prefers your type. I'd tell her that you wish you could make her smile when she's down. I'd tell her that you feel insecure because you know for a fact that these guys still feel that they are competing with you and still have feelings for her.

In a nutshell, I don't think you have that much to worry about. You should communicate and tell her how you feel about the other lads. Don't demand action, just tell her how you feel.

Begob

Anony--Mouse wrote: »

Herro,

My girlfriend has a weird relationship with two other guys. They've been friends since they were young, grew up together, primary school together, the whole deal.

It just kind of weirds me out. I know I'm being unrasonable, but I'm trying to stop that, I never say anything about them, always do my best to act friendly and such.

She tells them everything, like how she has gone on the pill, quite personal (ladies!) medical issues, family problems etc etc. I think I'm pretty cool about it, like I often tell her to go out with them instead of me and I wouldn't mind, and to be honest, I know she usually doesn't, she goes out with me.

Like I said though, she is incredibly close to them, and the thing that weirds me out is that they are both, quite obviously, madly in love with her (and I don't blame them, she is amazing).

Both these guys have asked her out in the past, though one just over a year ago (just before we started going out - bollocks - theres a point actually! What should be spent on a one year anniversary present?) and admittedly the other was about 3 years ago in fifth year !

Last week I met up with her and one of them in town, and as I walked into the bar was the exact moment to see my girlfriend streching to get a menu, while the guy (Fred) was completely obviously staring down her top. He was almost drooling. He turned and saw me as I walked in and jumped about fifteen feet in shock at being caught red handed, it was almost like something you'd see in a movie. I realise guys are guys though, sometimes stuff like that just happens...:).

Fred has a tendency to try and wind people up though, like thats how he gets enjoyment, a while ago while we were in the car together and I was looking out the window being quiet (I'm just a quiet person) and he starts going on with, trying to wind me up, "Whats wrong ? Does the closeness of my relationship with Sarah (the girlfriend!) make you uncomfortable ? We are really close...its a really amazing relationship we have, like we talk all the time. You know how when you're alone with her and you can't think of anything to say you just kiss ? To fill in time and stuff ? We don't have that because we communicate so well with each other....hahah you're so easy to wind up!". My girlfriend was with us so I was just kind of like "Haha...yeah...cool...".

You are not being unreasonable at all.
Just I'd urge you to be carefull and tactfull about what you do about all this.
Remember your gf is with you and not anyone else so give her the priority that her decision deserves.

She has chosen you to wake up with when that opportunity arises and she's picked you for this out of the 3 of you.This will be driving Fred in particular mad-remember that and you will know that no matter how shoite he makes you feel ,you have the upper hand.

Your best bet is to carefully and cleverly capitalise on that.
Start thinking of situations where you can make your GF very happy exclusive of the other 2 dudes.
I suggest a w/end away and do a deal that ye both put your phones away-NO TEXT MESSAGES.

Theres ways and means around that-go find a place with no mobile coverage [parts of the ring of kerry/parts of west Cork/wilds of connemara].

I wouldnt suggest rocking the boat with the relationship between her and the other 2 lads but what you do have to do in my opinion is bed down your relationship with your GF.If she loves you,then it's going to be easier to create situations that wean her off the 2 lads.
Tough on them but hey-let them get their own GF'S!!

It annoys me even more because Sarah's parents adore Fred. She has known him all her life, like, and he even texts her mother A LOT, and Sarah's mother is always trying to convince her to go out with Fred. They dislike me, I suppose because I'm quite shy and nervous, they were the first parents I ever had to meet, so...I didn't really make that good an impressing due to the nerves and such !

Don't worry about that!!

Fred and Sarah text every night too, they are really close. It weirds me out but I can't really say anything about it, you know ? It doesn't help that he is good looking, muscular, tanned and intelligent either !

Midway between Macroom and millstreet ...find a b and b there [-drive along the road first-several miles of no phone coverage!] As I say you need to think outside the box!

And that his mother is her mothers best friend ! They are like a match made in heaven. It scares me.

Forget about that!

I broched the subject last week, casually I was just like "Do you think Fred is in love with you still?"
"...Nah, I doubt it..."
"I'd say he is."
"Really ?"
"Definitely. What about Mark ?"
"Er..."
"Yeah he so obviously is"
"...Yeah *she nods*."

I'll try to keep this short since this message is getting longer than I want, but basically he has also been friends all her life and is BLATANTLY obviously fawning over her. Even a few of my friends have said it to me (and hers, for that matter). He is an arrogant, two faced, cocky berk - but not to her, of course. He asked her out a year ago and she said no because they were too good friends and she didn't want to ruin it or something. He goes to great lengths to try and make her go out whenever is possible, he involves himself in everything he can to be near her and around her, joins the same societies, goes the same places, "OOOH hey !! You're going to the gym !?! Me too !! Want a lift?". That sort of thing. But of course, she is close to him too, and I can't ask her to give up her friends, like.

Again think outside the box and cut out his opportunities there.

He's also trying to organise a trip abroad - for the three of them - this Summer, which she is keen to go on since its always been her dream and the parents won't let her away with me (told you they don't like me, its fair enough though, she's still living in their house, so I suppose she has to live by their rules,but.... "Ooooh, but Fred is going ?! You should go then ! Want us to pay?" is a bit hard to stomach all the same").

I hope she's decided not to go.
This is something you'll have to talk to her about.
Explain that all you want to do in the world is go away with her and the thoughts of her away with them 2 would break your heart.It's also very unusual that you wouldnt be going and OUT to be honest.
Work on getting herself away with you.

TheZohanS

Those other two guys are just her friends, one of whom she has grown up with. You can be sure that she looks at them as friends only and the long term friend as a brother type figure.

It's not surprising that Fred looked down her top when given the opportunity, he's male and boobs are fascinating things!

You're handling the situation very well, fair play to you, but just remember she's going out with you and not them so you really don't have anything to worry about.

Das Kitty

As an aside, I think it's quite unfair of your girlfriend to be so close to guys whom she knows are in love with her (even if they hadn't asked her out she would still know). It's kind of mean to them, she tells them she doesn't want them (and she doesn't) but she keeps them close as an ego boost, not letting them move on and find someone who does want them.

I'm only saying this as in the past, and I'm not proud of it, I've done this. There is something powerful about knowing someone likes you. It's addictive.

You seem to be doing everything right OP, hang on in there, it's you she actually wants to be with, because she is with you!