BLOODY MEN

clones1980

Hi everyone.

I met this fella about 6-7 years ago. We were friends for about 2 yrs (strictly friends) then one nite we were all out for my birthday we got hammered drunk and slept together. I wasnt into him at all but he was such a charmer that after a while it became a regular thing even tho i told him i really didnt want to.

Then somewhere along the line i fell in love with him... and i told him. he said nothing would ever happen between us as he was still in love with his ex. I was gutted but because we were close or so i thought i persumed we would end up together. We talked about everything... people even thought we were a couple. Anyway about a year a half ago he got back with ex. Again i was gutted as he just completly cut me out of his life. 3 months l8r i get a stupid text from him asking how i am etc. THEY SPLIT UP. I was completly sucked back in and things went striaght back to the way they were even tho i told him i loved him and wanted more and even tho he still insisted he never wanted a relationship with me. i was so silly thinking he would eventually change his mind.

Anyway he got back with her again recently and ive been cut from his life AGAIN. I know its all of my own doing as i didnt have to sleep with him.

But IF they split i know he will contact me again. Same old same old story.

How do i get over him before he starts worming in his way back into my life again?

RedXIV

Change your number perhaps? People get over lovers fastest with minimal contact, so this is what I'd suggest to you. That and just remember that if he texts you after breaking up with her, he see's you as an easy bit of sex.

shellyboo

Oh dear.

Don't contact him ever again. Cut him off. Don't reply to his texts, don't answer his calls, delete from Bebo, MySpace, Facebook, MSN... radio silence. This guy is a total user, don't waste a second of your time on him. I promise you'll forget all about him in about a fortnight.

Warmaster

This has happened before, don't worry you're not the first this crap has happened to a friend of mine went through the same except in her case she got back with him AGAIN even though she knew they would just break up AGAIN. Look in my opinion strictly if he keeps doing this he is using you. Simple as that.

Move on, fast. See other people, don't hang out with him again, it seems you can't just be friends with each other

cantdecide

You are clearly allowing him to take advantage of you when he knows you have feelings for him. It's shame on both of you really.

Find a nice bloke who will treat you right and walk off into the sunset...

jordainius

I note that you say "BLOODY MEN" yet you only go on to talk about ONE man. Don't make sweeping statements!!

Cold turkey time I'm afraid. Cut off all contact, I've a feeling that the on/off ex will be in the picture for a long time yet. And its pretty clear that you are a clear second best to him, so DO NOT let him use you.

Don't let yourself be strung along. I know its tough to cut ties after such a long time, and it would be difficult for a while, but in the long run it will be worth it.

Its obvious that he doesn't really care for you, not in the way that you may have liked. Remind yourself of that and be mindful of it when/if he tries to contact you again.

Miss Fluff

clonesbabe wrote: »

I met this fella about 6-7 years ago. We were friends for about 2 yrs (strictly friends) then one nite we were all out for my birthday we got hammered drunk and slept together.

So basically this cycle has been repeating itself over 4-5 years if my maths are correct? Girl, it's time to cut the cord on this one, you are only wasting your time and repeating a cycle of feeling used and abused, you poor thing:(

I'm in a similar position myself (only it's been about 6 months) and am in the midst of my aptly named "Wanker Detox 12-Step Program". Am on about Step7 right now and doing quite well. Just cut contact and be strong m'dear, he sounds like a complete f8cker and you will feel so empowered if you decide to take steps not to have anything more to do with him. He is engineering this cycle and you are allowing him to do so. If you decide to take matters into your own hands you will feel so much better. You deserve better and he certainly doesn't deserve you.

Stay strong and give yourself the chance to meet someone decent.

minidazzler

OP, You knew what you were getting into, yes he shouldn't come to you every time, but still you were extremely Naive and took him back.


It's not really anyone's fault, just a human flaw.

yellowcurl

Change your number my dear

Loxosceles

clonesbabe wrote: »

How do i get over him before he starts worming in his way back into my life again?

Addiction lover versus healthy lover. His addiction lover is the really intense set of feelings where he is probably used, abused, feeling massive ups and downs with her, the whole emotional roller coaster of passion. Keeps running away for the sake of mental health, keeps going back because he's addicted to the emotions. I don't blame him on that front, I've felt them. Addiction emotions can raise you above the heavens or turn your world black.

Whereas you are the good sense, the friend, the clear day, the voice of reason. He keeps going back to you when he can't handle her. But it's completely unfair to you.

Get the hell out of there. Delete all contact. End it. Unless he can learn to feel about you the way he feels about her, there is no option.

And for your sake, find the archetypal man who turns on your passions...who also is reasonable and stable. But don't ever in your life ever agree to be settled-for, sloppy seconds.

clones1980

Loxosceles wrote: »

Whereas you are the good sense, the friend, the clear day, the voice of reason. He keeps going back to you when he can't handle her. But it's completely unfair to you.
.

Thanks Loxosceles.

I wouldnt say its like that. Id say he comes to me when he cant have her and when he cant get anyone else. I know he is completly using me. I just need to break the cycle. It a way i hope it works out for him and his gf this time, then i know ill never hear from him again.

Princessa

Change your number, its not ok for him to think that its ok to walk in and out of your life whenever it suits him! Nad he will continue to think its ok if you continue to let him do it!!! If he texts again, text one of your friends, he or she will be able to give you the strength to ignore him, an outside prespective is priceless in these situations. Sometimes we are blinded by love that we cant see the obvious truth infront of us. Good luck in your futue relatioships.

Beruthiel

BLOODY MEN

Less of the transference there clonesbabe. You cannot blame him for this. He told you straight. You knew what he was like.
And yet still, YOU are the one who told him you didn't want to get in to a sexual relationship and yet YOU did.
YOU are the one who got back with him after he dumped her a second time.
YOU should be pissed off at yourself.
Quit being weak and have a good stern talk with yourself.
You've wasted enough time on this guy, why the hell would you waste anymore?
It's not difficult to tell him to fuk off and never contact you again.
Have some pride and self respect.
Stick to your guns and get on with your life. You deserve better than this. Remind yourself of that fact.

Wibbs

OK I can see where others are coming from and I agree wholeheartedly with the no contact advice, but IMHO....

I don't blame him. Blame is for kids anyway. I would put responsibility for how you're feeling entirely on you. I know you said in your first post that it's all your own doing, but saying it is only part of this. Believing it and acting upon this is the thing you need to do. The pain and confusion you feel is entirely down to you and not him.

As an adult, no one can convince you to do anything you don't deep down want to do. If he can he's missed his calling as Harry the Hypnotist. So examine why you do this. What do you honestly feel this person gives you that you need? Clearly you do need something from him that is lacking within yourself or you simply wouldn't have gone for it in the first place and you certainly wouldn't keep going back. You also wouldn't be hoping he stays with his GF as you know that if he doesn't and contacts you again you'll fall for it all over again. Rinse and repeat. When you werent that pushed about him(though that part I'm not so sure about tbh), you could have said no. When he first pulled this crap and raised red flags all over the place, you could have said no. If he comes back again, you can say no, though you're clearly afraid you won't be able to.

You could have said no any number of times before this point, yet every single time you said yes. That's why I do not blame him at all. After all you kept saying yes. Try to look within yourself to see why. That's the key.

Now Loxosceles makes a good point about addiction lovers and all that. Yep people do get addicted to people. More to the point as was said they get addicted to the emotions. Personally I doubt he's particularly addicted to the emotional stuff from he actual GF. He's just as likely to be looking at you as any port in a storm The old reliable.

A lot of people feel a slave to their emotions. IMHO that's an unhealthy view though it gives some excuse to many. Your emotions should be a slave to you. Now because these emotions are coming from within you, they're also within your control. You only abdicate such control, because you get a kick from the feedback it gives you. Whatever feedback that is personal to yourself. Only you can answer that for yourself. We can't and he certainly can't. That could be down to many factors, not least of which simple horniness about this guy, the fact that you aren't sure with him, which is attractive to some, you think he's out of your league, you think you won't get anything better, you're locked into this feedback loop that he feeds, or as I say he fulfills some other need within you.

Address that, believe you have control over these emotions. They don't control you. That can be damned scary too. Scarier than getting hurt all over again, because it takes effort and requires responsibility. That's why many won't do it. It's a far far better way to live though.

I wish you the best on it.

Liam Byrne

clonesbabe wrote: »

I wasnt into him at all.....after a while it became a regular thing even tho i told him i really didnt want to.

How do i get over him before he starts worming in his way back into my life again?

Stage 1 is to respect yourself and promise that you won't sleep with people that you don't want to.

The details of how you do that should then fall into place.

Whatever about the "ins and outs" (no pun intended) of FBs, it's a whole different scenario if someone specifically "doesn't want to". If you don't want to, don't!

So sorry in advance for the next comment, OP, because I don't want to be overly harsh.......but I wouldn't like to be someone - or be with someone - who regularly slept with someone that they "didn't really want to".

Make a pact with yourself and stick to it.

Best of luck!

clones1980

Hi Liam,

Thanks for you reply. With regard to sleeing with someone i didnt want to, im not a slut and i dont sleep around. In fact he is the only person i have been with in approx 5 yrs. I didnt fancy him when i first met him, he was a friend and he grew on me, The reason i didnt want to sleep with him was because in my heart i knew i would end up getting hurt. And the reason i have been sleeping with him was because i love him.

I'm sorry.. something irks me a little.

People are calling him a user, but I've read through the OP's post a few times and I cannot find anything to incline that he was using her in any way, shape or form. The only thing mentioned is that he txted her asking how she was. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. And mention that things went back to the way they were- in what way? That ye became close friends again, or that ye had sex?

Also, wouldn't it be a bit much to change your number over him? Perhaps a better alternative would be to quite simply.. not reply to his txts. I'm sure he'll eventually just give up.

If anything, he was being fair and being a good friend- by telling you the truth and not leading you on. I would much rather be hit with the truth. It may hurt, but it's better than the alternative!

Liam Byrne

clonesbabe wrote: »

Thanks for you reply. With regard to sleeing with someone i didnt want to, im not a slut and i dont sleep around.

Wasn't implying that you were; just saying that sleeping with someone - even if it's only the one person - that you don't want to is wrong.

clonesbabe wrote: »

The reason i didnt want to sleep with him was because in my heart i knew i would end up getting hurt.

Sorry, but that's nowhere near what you said in your first post.....

clonesbabe wrote: »

we got hammered drunk and slept together. I wasnt into him at all but he was such a charmer that after a while it became a regular thing even tho i told him i really didnt want to.

Then somewhere along the line i fell in love with him...