I think I'm Obsessed...

LegacyUser

Hi,

Have a massive problem!

I think I'm obsessed about a person in my life, a friend. I think of nearly nothing else and nothing more. I cyber-stalk this person unknowingly, and the fact I can't be with this person just hurts me. My day is solely about cyber-stalking...night-time just thinking about this person.

It's been getting me down for months now, and nothing has changed. Because I can't be with this person, I've felt like doing away with myself many times, and that reality is coming ever closer. I hate this obsession I have, but for me, it's not like I have a choice at the moment. I don't mean any harm to this friend.

What do I do?

star-pants

Is this a friend that you want to be more than friends with? And there's no possibility of this happening?
If so - then the only way is to try and break the habit - it'll be tough but that's what you need to do, break the cycle. Make it a daily challenge, go x amount of time without looking at their pages etc, then go a day, two days so forth. When the body gets into a routine it's automatic until you break it.
As for 'doing away' with yourself - that won't resolve anything hun. If you're feeling that strongly, then perhaps a counsellor could be of benefit to you?

cantdecide

I'm sure you understand that there's a point where a crush becomes an obsession. Hence the post. You may still think that eventually this will pass like any other crush or with the help of some good advice.

However, since you seem resigned to the fact that you can't be with this person and realise that you have what sounds like a more than unhealthy fixation on this person, you should really think about making inquiries about finding a counselor to see you. This is what they're for.

LegacyUser

You mentioned that it's a friend of yours?

I doubt they'd be impressed and possibly they'd be very freaked out if they knew about the stalking. Have you tried telling them how you feel? Why do you feel that you 'can't be with' this person - do you know this for definate?

Oh The Humanity

obsessed1 wrote: »

I cyber-stalk this person unknowingly, and the fact I can't be with this person just hurts me. My day is solely about cyber-stalking...night-time just thinking about this person.

You don't do it unknowingly, you mean you are doing it automatically because it has become a habit which you indulge in without making a conscious decision each time.

That is because your executive decision maker (brain) has already give you permission to indulge in the bad habit with impunity.

You need therapy to learn strategies to break this undesirable habit and to understand the process of obsession, the action [cyberstalking] and reward cycle.

You also need to stop using language like:

it's not like I have a choice at the moment.

and

I cyber-stalk this person unknowingly

as if you are a passive observer, you have to accept you are stalking this person because YOU choose to, no other reason.

I don't mean any harm to this friend.

Your intentions are irrelevant, you ARE harming this person by behaving obsessively twords them, more to the point at the moment, you are harming yourself.

Obsession and stalking can lead on to much more harmful behaviours, you need to seek preofessional help.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

Star-Pants: Yes, there is definitely no chance and I sort of know it and know that nothing will come about. I guess the jealousy of this friend being with someone else just makes it so hard to cope with. Even when certain songs come on the radio, it's a trigger.

Cantdecide: You're right. It is an unhealthy fixation. I really want to snap out of this...I really do!! For the sake of the friendship, and for my own self. This isn't the first time I've been obsessed. I've been obsessed with a number of friends over the past few years, for the same reasons, and move on from one person to the next it seems.

Unregistered: Yes, it's a friend of mine. I don't think talking it through would be a good idea! It would possibly make them resent me or ignore me, which would make me feel a tonne worse, and all I want is this cycle of obsession broken.

Onthehumanity: You made good points. You're not wrong as well.

I suppose the main reason this harms me so much is that I want to do away with myself over this, and can't see myself overcoming this. I don't know how I've turned into this monster who becomes obsessed with people, and I think it's scary. I didn't want it to happen and I want to stop it. I won't be speaking to a councillor...I want to sort it out myself...

The Outlander

I don't mean to be flipant, but take up ALOT of hobbies and yes talk to someone...

Oh The Humanity

obsessed1 wrote: »

I won't be speaking to a councillor...I want to sort it out myself...

Why not?

You want to sort it yourself, but do you think you are qualified to?
As you said yourself, this is a pattern that transfers from one friend to another, so to predict what the outcome of the future is we look at the past.....

Your past is a succession of similar obsessions, so how are you planning to break the cycle...

What tools are you planning to employ for example?

Wagon

Cut them out of yor life. Completely. I've had to do something like it before, and yes it's hard but the relief of being able to think about something else eventually can make you smile for weeks on end.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Cut them out of yor life. Completely. I've had to do something like it before, and yes it's hard but the relief of being able to think about something else eventually can make you smile for weeks on end.

If it's not a close friend I'd be inclined to agree with this. Is it someone you can't avoid seeing because of your circle of friends? You need to take a step back and maybe avoid this person for now.

Why won't you see a counsellor? They're trained to help you - it's their job... there's no shame in asking for help.

LegacyUser

obsessed1 wrote: »

Thanks for the responses.

Star-Pants: Yes, there is definitely no chance and I sort of know it and know that nothing will come about. I guess the jealousy of this friend being with someone else just makes it so hard to cope with. Even when certain songs come on the radio, it's a trigger.

Cantdecide: You're right. It is an unhealthy fixation. I really want to snap out of this...I really do!! For the sake of the friendship, and for my own self. This isn't the first time I've been obsessed. I've been obsessed with a number of friends over the past few years, for the same reasons, and move on from one person to the next it seems.

Unregistered: Yes, it's a friend of mine. I don't think talking it through would be a good idea! It would possibly make them resent me or ignore me, which would make me feel a tonne worse, and all I want is this cycle of obsession broken.

Onthehumanity: You made good points. You're not wrong as well.

I suppose the main reason this harms me so much is that I want to do away with myself over this, and can't see myself overcoming this. I don't know how I've turned into this monster who becomes obsessed with people, and I think it's scary. I didn't want it to happen and I want to stop it. I won't be speaking to a councillor...I want to sort it out myself...

Hey, I think everyone gets a little like that at some stage in there life..maybe not to the extent you describe but Im sure alot of people can identify with being mad about someone who doesnt want you and acting and doing things a little out of the ordinary! I myself have been chasing someone for 2 years and recently decided enough is enough. I deleted all her details so I have no way of contacting her and really things are going brilliant..once I know I cant it doesnt bother me so much anymore! its jst about taking the big step and sticking with it! The friends thing wont work once you've had feelings for the person, so my advice is jst stay away from them, outta site outta mind! If you are really thinking about harming urself you need to speak to someone be it a friend or counciller coz you cant always fix everything urself!! Anyway, I feel for you coz I know how much it sucks to be in the position, you gotta break the cycle tho so jst make a stand wit urself and stick to it..all the best

star-pants

obsessed1 wrote: »

I suppose the main reason this harms me so much is that I want to do away with myself over this, and can't see myself overcoming this. I don't know how I've turned into this monster who becomes obsessed with people, and I think it's scary. I didn't want it to happen and I want to stop it. I won't be speaking to a councillor...I want to sort it out myself...

You know this isn't a good state to be in, you don't want to be this way and you want to fix it --- why not get help? No offence meant, but obviously you're unable to sort it yourself or else you wouldn't still be in this predicament.
It's like any addiction - it'll only stop when you want it to, and you have to be strong. And most people need help or support when giving something up. Doesn't mean you're weak or unable, it just means you've a better chance.
I wouldn't cross-out seeing a counsellor pointblank like that - I'd give it a shot, if it doesn't suit, then fine, but you'll have tried.

jordainius

obsessed1 wrote: »

I won't be speaking to a councillor...I want to sort it out myself...

I don't want to sound too harsh but I think you need to cop on. You need help that neither yourself or people on a public forum can provide you.

You are your own worst enemy which is why you alone can not sort this out yourself.

If you are feeling suicidal then you really need a counsellor.

cagefan

Hey, I think everyone gets a little like that at some stage in there life..maybe not to the extent you describe but Im sure alot of people can identify with being mad about someone who doesnt want you and acting and doing things a little out of the ordinary! I myself have been chasing someone for 2 years and recently decided enough is enough. I deleted all her details so I have no way of contacting her and really things are going brilliant..once I know I cant it doesnt bother me so much anymore! its jst about taking the big step and sticking with it! The friends thing wont work once you've had feelings for the person, so my advice is jst stay away from them, outta site outta mind! If you are really thinking about harming urself you need to speak to someone be it a friend or counciller coz you cant always fix everything urself!! Anyway, I feel for you coz I know how much it sucks to be in the position, you gotta break the cycle tho so jst make a stand wit urself and stick to it..all the best

Loxosceles

Back off and breathe. I've been stalked by someone who had extremely intense feelings and it only takes a hair trigger rejection or comment by the person being stalked for love to turn into hate and for stalking to turn into action. Women can be stalkers a la bunny boilers but that's the movies; the reality is far closer to men doing it 9 times out of 10.

As for being called a stalker: Way back just out of college I had been very intensely in love with someone who led me on with sex and then decided that I was a social liability, and humiliated me about it to the community a short time later. I approached him to talk about it -once- in public afterward, and he called me a stalker right out in front of everyone, and I was so angry that I stayed away. The anger I had immediately made me go into charisma mode and prove him wrong by befriending as many people as possible...I remember my mantra, "If he doesn't love me, everyone else will", and socially squeezing his judgment of me out of consideration in the community until he just left and went elsewhere. Meanwhile, I attained a reputation in the neighbourhood as a well-known social butterfly and I ended up knowing all the cool people and hanging out with them for the next decade.

Lesson being, if this person is not interested in you, get a life and work on charisma, and use the above mantra. If they unfairly rejected you, only you can prove this as otherwise to the community through charismatic focus on other people.

Otherwise stalking is creepy and icky and shows that you have zero social skills. Where I'm from it is patently illegal and is treated the same as prowling and looking in windows, and in certain parts of the US if you shoot someone who breaks into your house while you're in it, you're not held accountable if they're not alive to sue you.

I will refrain from mentioning what I would do to a stalker myself. Just be glad you can talk about it here. But people here will have a lot more sympathy for the feelings that make you a stalker, whereas I just say arrest, prosecute, that's it.

Nick_oliveri

Wagon wrote: »

Cut them out of yor life. Completely. I've had to do something like it before, and yes it's hard but the relief of being able to think about something else eventually can make you smile for weeks on end.

Obsessed wrote:

Cantdecide: You're right. It is an unhealthy fixation. I really want to snap out of this...I really do!! For the sake of the friendship, and for my own self. This isn't the first time I've been obsessed. I've been obsessed with a number of friends over the past few years, for the same reasons, and move on from one person to the next it seems.

The OP needs this in his or her life atm, cutting one person will jump to the next and so on. Its hard to get out of a habit obsessed but we can all try at least. Its good that you are seeking some sort of help but it would be wise to seek out a councellor and have a one to one.

In this day and age its hard to pull thyself away from all the social networking, you should really try to get into the habit of going online, reading the news, checking AH on boards, looking at a few youtube links. I would strongly advise you staying away from all the social networking until you get yourself over this.

Talk to someone about it, i know how this must make you feel and its so much better talking to someone instead of coming here and doing it anon. This way the councellor can check your progress, give you advice on how to overcome the challenge.

Its inevitable that the social quirks of the past would move on to the internet. You need to be reminded that its just a quirk you have at the moment, that you are not as pathetic as you might assume and that you should think about long term relationships or even a (safe) quicky. It doesnt always have to be such a hard impossible challenge that you have strived for up to now.

We all desire what we cant have in many ways, material, sex and riches. Some moreso than others.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

I can see the sense everyone is making here and will definitely put it to use. Except the councilling advice. I think that if I restrain myself little by little, I'm naturally going to make some progress. If I make this progress, then these feelings will retreat and I hopefully will feel better. But if it returns in the future again as bad, then yes, I will seek professional help.

I feel a little bad, because I don't know how I look telling you this. Some of the replies above say that it's "creepy", "icky" etc...makes me feel a little sick to be honest...like I'm some person that people should avoid. I hate doing this to her.

star-pants

Don't worry about what specifics people think - they're just trying to get the point across to you that you need to stop because it's not very natural or healthy.
And you seemed very resolute about getting help. If you feel you can do this yourself then great - cut down on your internet time, maybe even block some of the pages on your browser. You've not 'done' anything to her, but if she found out she would be a bit spooked. So try your hardest and if you need support or help - there are people out there who can.

Nick_oliveri

obsessed1 wrote: »

I think that if I restrain myself little by little,

Hold up, I dont mean to be a bollocks, but this wont work, little by little is not making progress, it needs to be a cold turkey thing, >stay away< from that profile for as long as you can. It will wreck your head for the next couple of weeks, if you do one or two weeks its a great start. Get stuck in to your hobbies and interests on the internet if applicable.

You adore the challenge, this is plain from your posts, find something else challenging, do projects etc. Staying away is your new challenge, casual replys are ok, but you know what you are doing when you start doing it. Dont go into that headspace.

LegacyUser

Well, Do you see them in person too? I was in a similar situation, I kept telling myself I should hold onto something.. It never helped me holding on but eventually I gained the courage to put and end to the contact.. Little by little I then overcame the person.. You are simply not helping yourself by holding on.. I would delete all evidence of them and try as hard as possible to forget them.. I think its time for you to realise this..

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I rang my friend not too long ago and told her how I was feeling. She was very understandable and I explained to her that I experienced this obsessional feeling before. I hope she was being genuine and I believe she is, I know her 2 years at this stage.

I feel a lot better after this actually. I just think it clears the situation up, and hopefully all can be well in the future as I'm going to try and stop very hard.

Thanks for all the help guys!

LegacyUser

obsessed1 wrote: »

Thanks for the responses.

I can see the sense everyone is making here and will definitely put it to use. Except the councilling advice.

This is the best advice you got. If you dont go for it now you will need to get in years to come

LegacyUser

obsessed1 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I rang my friend not too long ago and told her how I was feeling. She was very understandable and I explained to her that I experienced this obsessional feeling before. I hope she was being genuine and I believe she is, I know her 2 years at this stage.

I feel a lot better after this actually. I just think it clears the situation up, and hopefully all can be well in the future as I'm going to try and stop very hard.

Thanks for all the help guys!

Oh OP, I really really hope that you also told her you can't have any contact with her ever again and she's deleted off your facebook. Because you're on shaky ground.
I had an obsession with someone before that went on far too long and ended up fairly unpleasant. Though I don't think that makes me 'icky' LOL. But seriously, sfter tslking to ,her you're going to be watching, waiting on her reactions. Leave her out of this, its actually none of her business. What you're going through is way more about YOU than about her. You're projecting everything you want onto her.

Lets trying this. There is thinking, feeling and doing.

Its very hard to control what you think and even harder to control what you're feeling.

But you can control what you're DOING. Do productive positive things that have nothing to do with this obsession and over time things will fall into place.

Try not to worry too much about yourself. This is probably just a bad phase and it will pass but try not to waste anymore of your life this way.