My boyfriend might be gay...

LegacyUser

Hey guys. I never posted here before, but here goes.

So, for the past three tears I've been madly in love with my wonderful boyfriend. He was never the "uber-macho" type, but that's not really my thing. Over the past few months, however, he's developed a worrying interest in the same sex. I first noticed it when we'd go out clubbing. He always managed to find some cute guy to talk to and seemed to be flirting with him. I thought I was imagining it, paranoid! I have a habit of ruining good relationships and I though I must be doing it again.

Lately I've noticed that he has a whole new possie of male friends. He's constantly going out socialising with them, but he has never even introduced me to them. I felt hurt that he didn't want to introduce me to these new people in his life. Then he began to completely abandon socialising with me, leaving me sitting at home on Saturday nights while he went out with these new guys. I have spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, helplessly wondering what he is up to.

Last week, a girl in work came up to me with a look of disbelief on her face. She said she was in a gay bar for a hen night and saw my OH there! I laughed it off saying he was probably just messing with the lads. But really, I was torn apart inside.

How could he do this to me? I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine my life without him. Is it my fault? Or am I just being paranoid?

Please help. Desperately distraught.

Femelade

Have you said it to him about the gay bar??

What reason does he give you for not going out with you anymore..
what if he says to youthat he is going out on sat night say to him that you fancy going out too, as you havent been out with him for a while...?

Wagon

How would you deal with it if he was cheating on you with a girl? It's the exact same thing. Just because it's the same gender , doesn't make it okay. Have it out with him. Find out what's going on in his head and take no crap from him either. Even if he isn't taking an interest and is still straight, he's treating you badly and there's no excuse for that. Don't be afraid to dump him either. You mentioned you ruined good relationship in the past, but i think he's ruining this one.

Mr. Incognito

Maybe he's bi and he's just exploring that. I wouldn't rush to call him a cheater- maybe he's just trying to find himself and will approach you when he's ready?

Kintarō Hattori

Perhaps you should ask him?

red_ice

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Maybe he's bi and he's just exploring that.

which would mean he... isnt cheating on her then?

Next time he goes out, pop out to a gay bar and see if you see him there. If so, leave, dont make a scene. Approach him about it.

Seriously tho, imagine breaking up with someone because you were gay? Thats VERY hard to do.

bluecell99

There any number of reasons why he seems to be losing interest in socialising with you - but you have not given enough information;such as have things suddenly gone downhill after three years or has it been gradual?Perhaps he is losing interest in you and does not how to say it - yet.Maybe he is bi and has repressed it up to now.Is he still passionate?

From what you say however it does appear he is exploring things more with guys and seems to be more comfortable with them.To be perfectly frank any guy who seems to flirt with good looking young guys in a club and who goes to gay bars would seem ,at the very least,to be ready to explore their bi/gay side.

Without the dreaded serious chat though you will never know.He will string along as long as you allow the situation to !

Hunchback

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Maybe he's bi and he's just exploring that. I wouldn't rush to call him a cheater- maybe he's just trying to find himself and will approach you when he's ready?

I disagree that OP should wait patiently while her other half explores his sexual identity on the piss every weekend while she is left crying alone. Bite the bullet and talk to your other half. Maybe in a gentle non confrontational way. At the very least he is ignoring you which is not something you can put up with indefinitely.

Otis Driftwood

It sounds rather suspect IMO.Call me naive but how many straight blokes frequent gay bars?Now it is possible that he went there with his new friends just to be sociable but I would be surprised.All you can do is ask him,only he can tell you whats going on.

stevelknievel

This is going to be very similar to a post on a different thread. He's ignoring you and your concerns completely. Even if you are being paranoid(which I don't think you are. He's going out to gay bars without his girlfriend ffs.) you're not happy with the current situation. You have questions and you need answers. The only way you're going to get them is to ask straight out. The fact is he's treated you very poorly and I think whether he's cheating on you or not, and whether he's gay or bi or whatever, you need to examine your relationship very closely and see if he's really worth crying yourself to sleep alone. Best of luck.

dsmythy

If you forget about the whole sexuality thing and look at purely the relationship, it's clear there's no communication going on. There's nothing wrong with talking about your relationship with him. Just do it.

Getting a final answer on the subject be it you sort things out or you both go your separate ways beats the current state of affairs where he spends no time with you and you spend time by yourself crying.

wasper

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Maybe he's bi and he's just exploring that. I wouldn't rush to call him a cheater- maybe he's just trying to find himself and will approach you when he's ready?

That doesn't make it ok. He is responsible to be healthy & safe as he is sleeping with his GF.
You must talk to him ASAP. You will stop tormenting yourself & if it's true then he will stop pretending too.

Das Kitty

Tell him how you're feeling and your concerns and don't let him fob you off.

star-pants

stevelknievel wrote: »

He's ignoring you and your concerns completely. Even if you are being paranoid(which I don't think you are. He's going out to gay bars without his girlfriend ffs.) you're not happy with the current situation. You have questions and you need answers. The only way you're going to get them is to ask straight out. The fact is he's treated you very poorly and I think whether he's cheating on you or not, and whether he's gay or bi or whatever, you need to examine your relationship very closely and see if he's really worth crying yourself to sleep alone. Best of luck.

+1 -- he's not including you which is odd, it's not he's asked you and you've said no. And he doesn't appear to socialise with you a different night (as in if this was just a 'lads night') which is unfair. And if you're at home crying your eyes out then there's a problem. This can only be solved by sitting down and talking to him. Explain how you're feeling and hopefully he can give you some answers

LegacyUser

Or maybe he was just in a gay bar. There may have been somebody in the group who is gay so the went in.

I have been in gay bars before but I am not gay. I do have friends that are though.

Have you actually asked him about his friends? Or what he gets up to?

He has new friends. That means nothing. He leaves you on the couch. DO you not go out? Do make an effort to go out? Or do you just wait for him to do everything for you?

Nitxteha

Introduce each other and listen to your gay friend´s opinion. They spot other gays better.

However, gay or not, your boyfriend is not being very nice with you leaving you home alone and not introducing you to his friends..

yellowcurl

Talk about it with him. It's totally not nice of him to exclude you and not introduce you to his new friends at all. You're probably worried about mentioning it, but you're just going to stress over it until you ask him. Plus, at the end of the day, he does owe you an explanation for his new behaviour and exclusion of you.

Miss Fluff

Be upfront with him. Ask him how come he was in a gay bar and what he was doing there. As much as you sugar coat it, I don't know of many straight guys who go out in a group of guys and end up in a gay bar. You need to get answers here OP, especially if he is potentially cheating on you.

PirateShampoo

Unregistered wrote: »

Or maybe he was just in a gay bar. There may have been somebody in the group who is gay so the went in.

I have been in gay bars before but I am not gay. I do have friends that are though.

Have you actually asked him about his friends? Or what he gets up to?

He has new friends. That means nothing. He leaves you on the couch. DO you not go out? Do make an effort to go out? Or do you just wait for him to do everything for you?

You dont find it a bit odd that her OH which she has been with for 3 years has got him self a secret possie of friends and has been seen out in a gay bar.

I think you need to confront him asap, not just for ur relationship but for ur sexual health also.

Kenno90

your just going to confront him about it , i wouldn't say he is 100 % straight , maybe bi , but if he's doing anything with a fella then it's cheating,which ever way he swings

King of Kings

PirateShampoo wrote: »

You dont find it a bit odd that her OH which she has been with for 3 years has got him self a secret possie of friends and has been seen out in a gay bar.

.

Quoted for truth.
new friends that you can't meet is one of the primary signs of infidelity.

reprazant

PirateShampoo wrote: »

I think you need to confront him asap, not just for ur relationship but for ur sexual health also.

Thats quite insulting. I may be wrong but are you implying something there in relation to homosexuality?

OP, you need to talk to him. You description certainly makes it seem as if he may well be gay, or at least bi, but it is written through your eyes which you have admitted are quite paranoid and possibly seeing the worst possible scenario. Seriously, just talk to him.

The_Conductor

The foundation of any relationship is the ability to communicate with one another. Obviously you are unable to communicate at the moment. It really is as simple as saying- he talks to you about what is happening, and if you are not satisfied either with what he is saying, or what he has done- you walk.

Its hard, very very hard- but at this point in time you have to think of what is best for you in the long run. Totally aside from questions about what he is up to- someone who leaves you at home on your own to cry yourself to sleep on a Saturday night- does not deserve the time of day from you.......

PirateShampoo

reprazant wrote: »

Thats quite insulting. I may be wrong but are you implying something there in relation to homosexuality?

OP, you need to talk to him. You description certainly makes it seem as if he may well be gay, or at least bi, but it is written through your eyes which you have admitted are quite paranoid and possibly seeing the worst possible scenario. Seriously, just talk to him.

Whats insulting about it?

Bottle_of_Smoke

Nitxteha wrote: »

Introduce each other and listen to your gay friend´s opinion. They spot other gays better.

However, gay or not, your boyfriend is not being very nice with you leaving you home alone and not introducing you to his friends..

Not so sure about that, they usually seem to think any guy is gay.

That aside, situation doesn't look good. I'd say ask about the gay bar in a light hearted way. If he gets defensive it coudl be a sign.

If he's jsut there because of friends you still have to wonder about why he's lost interest in you. Address that by all means but I wouldn't let him know you're suspicious he's gay just yet,

Lollipops23

reprazant wrote: »

Thats quite insulting. I may be wrong but are you implying something there in relation to homosexuality?

no,if he is cheating she could be at risk of catching an STI, whether or not it's with a same sex partner or opposite sex.

OP, it sounds quite suspect alright.however,have you not got mates you can go out with when he heads out with his new mates?i would question why he hasn't at the very least introduced you to them....is he going out of his way to avoid this?