Unsure about my boyfriends feelings

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 1:43pm #1

My boyfriend is very upfront about things.
He was perfect at the start of our relationship, but 6 months into it, that changed.
He never gives me compliments anymore, if i say im fat, he never disagrees with me (im not, but sometimes i say it to hear his views), if i say im having an ugly day, he never disagrees either.
He constantly comments on good looking girls, i tell him i hate this, and he says he should be able to say if someone is attractive.
i asked him the other day did he think i was the most beautiful girl in the world (dont ask why i asked, sounds pathetic, yes), he laughed and said of course not, there is loads more better looking girls then me, but im the most beautiful in his world...was this too honest.
I asked him did he think i put on any weight since we met (1 year ago), he said yes, but thats normal when girls are in a relationship....i then weighed myself, and im actually a few pound lighter since we met. Again was he being too honest.
I tell him all the time that im mad about him, and love him and fancy him, he never says this.
He knows i have issues with my looks and self confidence, surely he should be making me feel better about myself instead of being so honest.
Any girl he finds attractive looks nothing like me, should i be worried.
Is is safe to say he no longer fancies me>?????

banshee_bones · 26-02-2009 1:58pm

Nobody can say if he does or does not fancy you. Thats all him. One thing I can say is that it would appear that you need to work on some of your own esteem issues. In a perfect world you should be secure enough in yourself and in your own skin to not have to look for validation from anyone. However we do not live in a perfect world.

Yes it is nice to be complimented by your other half but some lads focus more on actions than words. It is not unusual to encounter lads that find it hard to express themselves! Yes it would seem your OH is very honest, blunt almost, but would you rather him lying to you? personally i prefer honesty.

Have you thought about taking up hobbies, classes, get out there and expand your social circle? Perhaps try not to focus all your thoughts and energy right now on your boyfriend. May be no harm to leave him wondering what you are up to every now and then. Be a little mysterious!

seamus · 26-02-2009 1:59pm

Unregistered wrote: »

(im not, but sometimes i say it to hear his views)

You play games.
Chances are, he either doesn't understand this or is forcibly rebelling against it, which is why you're getting his blunt honesty.

Assuming that he's not the most innocent human being on the planet, and assuming that he has some form of social skills, then he should know better than to be brutally honest unless it's the time for brutal honesty.

In terms of saying that women are attractive, yes he should be allowed to do this, but there's no need for him to do it all the time or to be, "Holy **** she's hot, I'd love to give her one" about it.

I think it's safe to say that he's not all that interested in a relationship any more. You've only been going out a year but he's treating you like his wife of 40 years.

Have it out with him - does he see a future in this relationship or does he simply enjoy having a girlfriend who fawns over him all the time?

liah · 26-02-2009 2:00pm

To be honest it just sounds like he's sick of pandering to your insecurity... stop putting yourself down for awhile, stop asking him what he thinks all the time. I'd reckon it's just become a dull drone in his ear at this point.

But you can ask him, flat-out, whether or not he's still interested. Just don't bring looks into it. It's not all about looks.

Kevster · 26-02-2009 2:02pm

Hi,

There are two problems here: You, and then him. You seem to expect him to constantly reassure you about your insecurities, but this seriously cannot go on forever. I'm sure that you and he had a great time at the start, but constantly being insecure is not fun. i know that you won't like reading this reply, but i know that what I'm saying is true. Then again, the problem with him is that he should have spoken up about his feelings on this matter, instead of leaving you 'in the dark'.

What I seriously suggest is that you and he sit down to have a talk together; and make sure that you are both completely honest and open about everything that has happened. If you detect that he still is hiding his feelings or whatever, then you should consider the possibility that the relationship has no future.

Take care,
Kevin

wasper · 26-02-2009 2:06pm

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend is very upfront about things.
He was perfect at the start of our relationship, but 6 months into it, that changed.
He never gives me compliments anymore, if i say im fat, he never disagrees with me (im not, but sometimes i say it to hear his views), if i say im having an ugly day, he never disagrees either.
He constantly comments on good looking girls, i tell him i hate this, and he says he should be able to say if someone is attractive.
i asked him the other day did he think i was the most beautiful girl in the world (dont ask why i asked, sounds pathetic, yes), he laughed and said of course not, there is loads more better looking girls then me, but im the most beautiful in his world...was this too honest.
I asked him did he think i put on any weight since we met (1 year ago), he said yes, but thats normal when girls are in a relationship....i then weighed myself, and im actually a few pound lighter since we met. Again was he being too honest.
I tell him all the time that im mad about him, and love him and fancy him, he never says this.
He knows i have issues with my looks and self confidence, surely he should be making me feel better about myself instead of being so honest.
Any girl he finds attractive looks nothing like me, should i be worried.
Is is safe to say he no longer fancies me>?????

He has sussed out your mind games. He refuses to indulge you.
You seem to be a bit immature & lacking in confidence.

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 2:06pm

yes, i think it is a case of my insecurity is wearing him down.
I had it out with him the night i was asking all these silly questions.
He says he loves me, still fancies me, and still wants to be with me. He said he was never 'mad about' someone, he says he never 'thought the world' about someone, and that is just the way he is. The way he looks at it is, im his girlfriend, end of story.

kittenkiller · 26-02-2009 2:10pm

My OH has a strict policy that if any goes around him fishing for compliments he does his best to avoid following the leading question (ie. "Am I the most beautiful girl in the world?") or agreeing openly with the self-inflicted insult (ie. "Well maybe you *have* put on a little weight, but I hear walking should get rid of your saddle bags!").

You're lucky your BF hasn't gotten sick of you trying to force him to compliment you by now. He admitted that you're the most beautiful girl in his world, exactly how much more do you want?
Give him some credit and responsibility to compliment you when he feels he should and when it's deserved.
He's not a puppy to train.

(That said my BF assures me that I'm gods gift, so it must be true

)

Kevster · 26-02-2009 2:11pm

Unregistered wrote: »

yes, i think it is a case of my insecurity is wearing him down.
I had it out with him the night i was asking all these silly questions.
He says he loves me, still fancies me, and still wants to be with me. He said he was never 'mad about' someone, he says he never 'thought the world' about someone, and that is just the way he is. The way he looks at it is, im his girlfriend, end of story.

Whilst I don't agree with wasper that you are playing 'mind games' with him, I believe that what you wrote in your last post makes it seem like he doesn't care too much anymore about the relationship. Has he talked about previous relationships before?; or do you know his ex's?

Kevin

kittenkiller · 26-02-2009 2:11pm

My OH has a strict policy that if any goes around him fishing for compliments he does his best to avoid following the leading question (ie. "Am I the most beautiful girl in the world?") or agreeing openly with the self-inflicted insult (ie. "Well maybe you *have* put on a little weight, but I hear walking should get rid of your saddle bags!").

You're lucky your BF hasn't gotten sick of you trying to force him to compliment you by now. He admitted that you're the most beautiful girl in his world, exactly how much more do you want?
Give him some credit and responsibility to compliment you when he feels he should and when it's deserved.
He's not a puppy to train.

(That said my BF assures me that I'm gods gift, so it must be true

)

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 2:11pm

Plus it was him that caused my insecurity in the first place,we met on a dating website, but 3 months into the relationship he continued being on the website. I loved his at this stage, couldnt leave him. This made me think that he was looking for something better then me.

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 2:15pm

He was with a girl on and off for 8 years before me, she left him due to his lack of interest in her. (i heard this through someone else)

togster · 26-02-2009 2:36pm

OP you sound needy and insecure, i might be wrong but that's what i get from your post. If you ask an open ended question like you did then expect to get the truth. The fact is that all your neediness is probably your most un-attractive trait. High-maintenance gets tiresome after a while.

I don't knpw what to say. Try being more independant. Confident in yourself. Easy to say, hell of a lot harder to do but you should try and work on it. Nobody should need compliments

Nitxteha · 26-02-2009 2:48pm

looks like he's very laid back..and you need to be more confident.

How do you dare to ask him if you are fat!!!! ?

He was obviously joking when he answered that...unless it's something too obvious men don't notice that. He's not going to love you more or less if you gain or lose a couple of pounds.

Don't tell him that you love him all the time if you don't get feedback. If it's so obvious for him that he loves you and he neednt to tell you, do the same...

Forget about the ex girlfriend or why they broke up because she's a different person from you.

Do things with him, enjoy, and give him time to let you know his feelings (sometimes deeds speak lowder than words..:) )

Terodil · 26-02-2009 2:50pm

I agree with Kevster that this is a two-sided problem: you and him.

Him: Compliments are not just pretty nonsense, they're essential to maintain a relationship (if heartfelt and earnest, of course!). I'd say they should even come naturally if you love your partner. Perhaps some people are very quiet. Perhaps your bf is such a case. Does he show you in other ways that he finds you attractive? Does he look at you in that way? Does he show you by actions how much he loves you? Does he go out of his way to surprise you?

You: Stop... playing... games. If I was your bf I would probably flip. 'Am I the most beautiful girl in the world'... come on. That is such cheap fishing for compliments it isn't even real. Same thing with 'Am I fat?' -- the most dreaded question a woman can ask a man. Stop it please. I understand why you are doing it but please realise that the way you are acting not only fails to snap him out of it, it actually compounds the problem.

Sit him down and have a no-nonsense talk. Tell him that you feel that he doesn't appreciate you as a girl, as a love, as a hot desirable partner.

Because I hope that this is what you are really longing to hear. That is not a question of insecurity (I'm really beginning to hate how that word is brandished like a club here on PI), it's a question of feeling desired, one of several keys to a healthy relationship and a fulfilled sex life.

If you really do feel fat or unattractive you need to work on your self-esteem, I agree, and stop pestering your bf about it, especially with such childish games.

Katgurl · 26-02-2009 2:52pm

sorry to have to say this but your boyfriend sounds f**king horrible.

So what if IN REALITY there are betterlooking girls in the world, would it really kill him to make a fuss? I know when i'm in love i think the world revolves around them.

And as for that 'you're my girlfriend - end of'; it sucks to be on the receiving end of. I know, i went out with a guy like t hat, it makes you feel ****

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 2:58pm

All these questions were asked during our conversation about his feelings towards me, they weren't just randoms.
He suffers really bad self-esteem himself, and that is probably why i always tell him i love him and that he is gorgeous.
Yes i can be needy sometimes, i've had a tough ol life, he is my first proper boyfriend, i just him sometimes.
Its a long distance relationship too. He is just very laid back about everything, i still miss him when we are apart during the week, and he says he doesnt miss me, cos he will see me at the weekends.
I have tried to break up loads of times of his attitude towards things, but we always work something, so i have given him plenty of options to leave the relationship, and he says he doesnt want out, cos he loves me!!!

shellyboo · 26-02-2009 3:08pm

Katgurl wrote: »

So what if IN REALITY there are betterlooking girls in the world, would it really kill him to make a fuss? I know when i'm in love i think the world revolves around them.

I'd hate it if a partner told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, because it's a blatant lie, it's frigging patronising, and it's an insult to my intelligence.

I'd far rather he paid me sincere compliments about things that he really likes about me. So, OP, stop with the childish games - you're only insulting yourself by asking him such ridiculous questions. You need to talk to him about showing his affection more (though he says he's not the type - and some men aren't); but more than that you need to work on your self-esteem.

So what if you're not the most beautiful girl in the world? Is that some sort of requirement your bf has or something? Why do you need to be the most beautiful girl in the world in order to be appreciated by your bf? You don't, is the simple answer. So stop fishing and get to the root of the problem.

LeahBaby · 26-02-2009 3:17pm

Ah god.

Forget him girl, seriously.

He sounds like a total knob tbh. Whatever about you being needy, if he truly loves you, you would have no doubt in that.
Sounds to me he doesn't want to be with you but he doesn't want to be alone. I know that's harsh I'm sorry.

But my advice would be dump him, be single for a while and get your confidence back. Why waste time with scum when who your meant to be with is out there somewhere.
Dump him and learn to love yourself.

spinandscribble · 26-02-2009 3:18pm

shellyboo wrote: »

I'd hate it if a partner told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world, because it's a blatant lie, it's frigging patronising, and it's an insult to my intelligence.

I'd far rather he paid me sincere compliments about things that he really likes about me.

my ex would say that sometimes (off his own back of course, i wasn't asking), it would annoy me and eventually one day i asked how was that possible? he explained out of all the women he found attractive i was the one who he mostly cared about and could see the good within, making me the most beautiful girl in the world. i have to say, damn good answer:D

op its probably going stale but there's a chance he's just sick of you fishing for a ego massage. ask him does it bother him when you ask these things.

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 3:21pm

What if one of these hot girls that he is always admiring comes on to him some night....
Its horrible to feel that your boyfriend takes time to admire strangers, and never thinks to say something nice to his girlfriend.
His idea of a compliment is ....'you look nice, but your make up is a bit crap', or 'oh, is that what your wearing, thought you'd pick something else'.
Or if i tell him im sick - 'oh well thats good, sure dont you want to loose weight'
Im 5'9'', and weigh 8 1/2stone, and he thinks that yeah, i could afford to drop a few pound!!!

I have coped on he's not worth my energy, he probably is only with me until something better comes along.

Terodil · 26-02-2009 3:26pm

spinandscribble wrote: »

op its probably going stale but there's a chance he's just sick of you fishing for a ego massage. ask him does it bother him when you ask these things.

Heh, I'm just imagining that convo:

GF: 'Do you think I'm fat?'
BF: *shrug*
GF: 'Does it bother you if I'm asking these things?'
BF: 'wtf'

Nah. I think you can safely assume it does bother him.

@Shellyboo: You are so refreshingly right with 95% of your post. Except that that compliment sometimes may indeed come from the heart. I have said it before and never meant anything more. Maybe my gf wouldn't win a modelling competition but when she looks at me with those wonderful eyes of hers, with that magic around her practically crackling in the air, and her special smile playing around her lips, then yes, she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

shellyboo · 26-02-2009 3:38pm

Terodil wrote: »

@Shellyboo: You are so refreshingly right with 95% of your post. Except that that compliment sometimes may indeed come from the heart. I have said it before and never meant anything more. Maybe my gf wouldn't win a modelling competition but when she looks at me with those wonderful eyes of hers, with that magic around her practically crackling in the air, and her special smile playing around her lips, then yes, she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Thanks!

I totally get that some men see their gf as the most beautiful girl in the world - that's absolutely lovely. But you know, realistically, for a lot of women... it's not true.

And disingenuous compliments bug the hell out of me. It's like, is there nothing REAL about me that you can find to like instead of making something up that's clearly not true? It's for this same reason that I don't fish for compliments or give compliments in response to compliments. I find it insincere, and I value honesty in a partner.

EDIT: *resolves to close up on that that pesky 5%* :P

Terodil · 26-02-2009 3:53pm

shellyboo wrote: »

And disingenuous compliments bug the hell out of me. It's like, is there nothing REAL about me that you can find to like instead of making something up that's clearly not true? It's for this same reason that I don't fish for compliments or give compliments in response to compliments. I find it insincere, and I value honesty in a partner.

Yeah, I know what you mean. But you know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder... and objectivity is a terribly difficult thing especially where love is concerned

That said, I'd freak out as well if I felt a compliment was insincere or only said to a specific end. The classic 'eyes like stars' or 'most beautiful woman in the world' without anything to accompany them would reek of insincerity. But if you see that spark in your partner's eye when s/he says it it's an entirely different matter.

@OP: Sorry to hear that. The samples of compliments you gave aren't really what I'd call compliments to start with. Maybe he's still stuck in that vicious circle you both ended up in and I don't know if you aren't a bit rash at ending it here and now because of that. But as long as you do... the best of luck to you.

wicklori · 26-02-2009 4:36pm

Hey OP! Some of the replys here have been a bit "honest" as well as what you heard from himself!
I can totally relate to what you said. It's so nice to get a compliment, especially from the person we care the most about! Kinda ruins it though if we have to ask for them!
I'm with my fella 8 years and he used to be the best for the compliments! He would notice mad things like the smell of my hair-and I was putty in his hands!!!:D
HOWEVER! Over the years he has lost his touch! To be honest I think men get a bit lazy (I'm dead for that I know-only second post though so be gentle!) It isn't a reflection on you that he doesn't compliment you, to be honest it's more a reflection on him!!! I really think you need to build your self esteem though-for yourself. It's not nice to feel so vulnerable and at the mercies of someone else to make you feel good.....

Nitxteha · 26-02-2009 4:40pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Its horrible to feel that your boyfriend takes time to admire strangers, and never thinks to say something nice to his girlfriend.
His idea of a compliment is ....'you look nice, but your make up is a bit crap', or 'oh, is that what your wearing, thought you'd pick something else'.
Or if i tell him im sick - 'oh well thats good, sure dont you want to loose weight'
Im 5'9'', and weigh 8 1/2stone, and he thinks that yeah, i could afford to drop a few pound!!!

I have coped on he's not worth my energy, he probably is only with me until something better comes along.

He's being rude to you! From your first post I thought he may only be laid back, but these comments are unacceptable!

He is also undermining your confidence (don't ever let anyone do that to you!). If he says something about your weight, your make-up, your dress etc. again, strike back! I'm sure he's far from perfect..

Stop wasting your time with him. Don't be afraid of being single for a while until someone who treats you better and makes you happy comes along

LegacyUser · 26-02-2009 5:08pm

oh my god you sound exactly like me! lose him before he dumps you because he will. i was in the exact same situation a month ago and ended up getting dumped. I think you should let him go now, he will realise what he's lost, what an ass he is and he will come back to you. It's the hardest thing you're ever going to have to do but it's for the best. He has to remember why he got with you in the first place, make him miss you! Chin up chicken

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend is very upfront about things.
He was perfect at the start of our relationship, but 6 months into it, that changed.
He never gives me compliments anymore, if i say im fat, he never disagrees with me (im not, but sometimes i say it to hear his views), if i say im having an ugly day, he never disagrees either.
He constantly comments on good looking girls, i tell him i hate this, and he says he should be able to say if someone is attractive.
i asked him the other day did he think i was the most beautiful girl in the world (dont ask why i asked, sounds pathetic, yes), he laughed and said of course not, there is loads more better looking girls then me, but im the most beautiful in his world...was this too honest.
I asked him did he think i put on any weight since we met (1 year ago), he said yes, but thats normal when girls are in a relationship....i then weighed myself, and im actually a few pound lighter since we met. Again was he being too honest.
I tell him all the time that im mad about him, and love him and fancy him, he never says this.
He knows i have issues with my looks and self confidence, surely he should be making me feel better about myself instead of being so honest.
Any girl he finds attractive looks nothing like me, should i be worried.
Is is safe to say he no longer fancies me>?????

Sleepy · 26-02-2009 5:59pm

OP - the quickest way to get compliments to dry up is to start seeking them.

Unsure about my boyfriends feelings

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