Abortion sadness...

iguana2005

It will be 2 years now since I had a termination.. Was 11 weeks pregnant. In a different country, sharing house with strangers, drinking way too much, in debt up to my tonsils, one night stand - if circumstances were differnt would have had my child. Sounds very selfish now...

I thing about that soul EVERY day - been crying the last few nights(again...). Come to think of it been crying since it happened. Not in a heap just sad. Every new baby I see tuggs at my heart. Tears happening again...

Anyone else? I know the subject to a little taboo in Ireland..hope I dont offend anyone. Just wondering how do people cope. Just let the tears flow and deal with it..

Nevyn

It's a process of grieving, it takes a while but you will ge there.
It's hard when it is such a taboo and the aniversay rolls around,
do you have someone to talk to ?
Would you consider some counselling ?

Be kind to yourself over the next few days.

LegacyUser

I was the father of a child we had terminated 14 yrs ago, it gets easier but there is not a week that goes by I don't think about it, particularly when you hope to have children in the future.

Look, you and more importantly the child are probably far better off than if you had to have had it.
My kid would probably be living with its scumbag mum and the jailbird she hangs out with having been through all sorts of sh*te while its mother and I fought over custody and childcare payments.

be strong - you'll have another when the timing is right and you'll see how much better off everybody is because of it

pseudonym1

Have you tried counselling?

You dont sound selfish - not being able to give someone the best start possible is not selfish if anything the opposite.

It is time to get yourself into counselling and back together. Take up a sport or hobby- night course or something in work. Immerse yourself in something that will make provisions for another more suitable time to have a baby.

The decision has been made and those babys that tug your heart remind you of something that was not meant for this world. You need to let it go and rest.

Chin up - brave face and as Thead said be good to yourself next while massage or something.

You will be OK and I hope realise your decison was in everyones best interest,

LegacyUser

I had one 4.5yrs ago and its funny, I absolutely adore children but strongly feel no regret about the decision. I was in a long term relationship with a guy at the time, living together, 24, had just started my first job a year earlier but he was not a good boyfriend (he was a bad partner and would have made my life a lot harder than it had to be). Having the baby would have tied my life in a serious way, not by the baby itself (never, the kid would have been wonderful) but by the bofriend because when it happened, I suddenly knew I didnt want to stay with him and how cruel would it be to take his baby away from him (I would have had to, I was living abroad in his country and had never intended staying forever, he knew that. Also, if I was to raise the kid on my own, I would need to be near my own family). The reason I can live with myself is that I know how happy having a baby can now be in the future when I am with the right man to be a daddy to my child. I couldnt be the kind of mum I want to be at that time and I recognised that. Thats not a criticism of all the single mums and dads that are doing the best they can and in many cases doing a great job but I think I would have made the whole experience of being a mum (a lifetime thing) so much less special that it should be, and a harder job that it already is. When I say less special, its because I was blown away by how little I felt about being pregnant when I had always thought I would at the very least feel love immediately, even excitement, no matter what the situation was. The reality was very different, I'm sure you can relate.

Sorry for rambling, my point is that you knew at the time that it wasnt right for you and had the courage to make that decision and follow through. You have done nothing morally wrong in my opinion and every day we make decisions, little (like how many drinks we have on a night out) and big (like whether or not to have the baby), at the end of the day, not having the baby has led to a certain life and future from now on. When you do have a baby in the right situation you can be sure that that baby would not have been born if it wasnt that you didnt have the last one. Look forward and be proud that you were able to handle such a difficult and heartbreaking situation. Babies are wonderful but I think its up to us to bring them into a good situation where we can do the best we can for them. Maybe Im selfish but I want to be excited and happy when I get pregnant. I want to be able to provide for my child and not be under so much financial pressure that I miss some of the good things. I'll probably get slated by the single parents for what I have said but I'm only talking about how I want to go about being a parent, everyone is different.

Hope you can let this go and feel better about it all. You know, I look at babies all the time and want to hold them and cant wait to have my own, maybe its just a girl thing and not so much to do with your abortion?

Loxosceles

iguana2005 wrote: »

Anyone else? I know the subject to a little taboo in Ireland..hope I dont offend anyone. Just wondering how do people cope. Just let the tears flow and deal with it..

It's been 18 years now for me. I am from the US and was living there. I had no support. My mother who was an anti-abortion activist was furious with me. It figured into me moving 550 miles away from home to attend college. It also figured into a lot of very rebellious and angry choices I made after that and a lot of tough lessons I had to learn due to having no support.

Everything went on and life went on, and over the years I continued to live my life. I got pregnant 13 years later. My current relationship was on its last legs and I was sitting there in the parking lot of Planned Parenthood thinking, "no, no abortions now, it doesn't matter if I end up a single parent, this kid can't help it, and I've got a lot more now to support this baby than I did back then." So I drove off and told her father.

And since I had her I have barely even thought about my abortion back when I was just out of high school. My daughter is fantastic now and I'm glad I had her and she's with me now. But back then it was completely necessary at the time and I had a lot of things to learn. I would have been horribly angry and bitter at having my life and future suspended at 18 for inadvertent breeding, and perhaps could have taken it out on my kid or abandoned it to my family, I honestly don't think I was in the right frame of mind back then because the father was a nutcase and I was being manipulated and abused.

My mother thinks it's one of the best choices I made and has done a complete 180 of her beliefs. Having my daughter made me forget all about it, and if/when you end up with the right person after a while, it will be a better time for you as well. Having a baby does not necessarily solve our lifestyle problems and force us to get our act together, or turn a one night stand into a marriage. I know in Ireland people tend to believe that unplanned pregnancy should be a situation that turns us into responsible adults, but that isn't so. More often it's a situation that takes a woman's professional future away and downgrades the quality of life attained when family is postponed to a better and more secure time of life.

Sit and reflect on the possibility that if you were surrounded by liberal, supportive family, who made sure you were comfortable and emotionally supported after making such a tough decision, if you would really be feeling so sad. Most often it's the effect of other people's moral opinion of our choices that make us hate what we have done. The whole world may be against you in your view but that doesn't mean they were right.

LegacyUser

I completely understand how you feel.

The only way to get through this is to trust that your "past" self made the best decision at the time. You had no way of knowing what the future would bring, and you made what seemed to you a sensible (and very difficult).

My partner and I had one 15 years ago shortly after we met, and by a pure ironic fluke of nature we have been unable to conceive since we started trying about 10 years ago... which is heartbreaking by itself. So it now looks like we'll have to adopt...

When we (occasionally) talk about what we did 15 years ago it is with a little disappointment but definitely not regret.

If we could change the past would we? Of course.
If we could have our own child would we? Of course.
Do we regret the decision? No.

... because at the time we did what was right for us, despite what has happened to us since then.

The bottom line is what you need to do is come to terms not with your current situation, but with the decision you made back then. If you can do that, then the regret will ebb away (bot of course never ebb completely).

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I had an abortion 14 months ago and it was the toughest thing I ever did. The aftermath was awful. I subsequently found out the man I had been going out with for about a year at the time had a one night stand with his ex and got her pregnant too while I was pregnant, and actually the night before he was due to travel with me for my termination. It is hard, there's no doubt. But I know I did the right thing. By being with an unreliable father and being in financial trouble myself it would have been chaos. It still doesn't stop me wondering though, what if, and that's natural.
The way I think of it now is when I do eventually find the right man and am financially capable, my next baby will be the most loved and happy (I hope!) child ever because I will be in a position to deal with it properly. The crying still happens for me too every now and then, and that's normal too. You do need to talk to someone professional about it, if only to rationalise it in your own head and start to deal with the sadness and possible guilt you feel about it.
It wasn't the right time for you, you will realise that fully someday. You would have wanted to have given your baby everything, and ideally in the context of a family unit.
You will be ok. And the hurt will go away eventually. Do talk to someone who can help you as a third party, someone not attached to the situation. I promise it will work out. And you will have a family in the future that you will love and cherish, maybe even that little bit more if possible because of what you went through before.

ravima

You mention the word SOUL in your posting. I take it therefore that you are a Christian. let the tears flow tell the child and Jesus that you are sorry for what you did ,at the same time bearing your own innermost thoughts and tell them the state you were in at the time, what went through your mind and that if circumstances were different, things would have been different.

Both will understand and you will have forgiveness and comfort.

If you are a Roman Catholic, then seek out a sympathetic priest and go to confession. You can go either face t oface, or in the older confessional box, where your identity will not be known.

As Thaedydal says, it is part of the grieving process and quite natural.

I will pray for you and with you tonight.

Nevyn

The concept of a soul is not just christain.

Dudess

OP, feeling regrets now is being really hard on yourself. You have to consider things as they were then - and it was the right decision at the time.

And it was not selfish - it was a mistake, which is why pencils have erasers. Don't punish yourself for this.

LegacyUser

iguana2005 wrote: »

It will be 2 years now since I had a termination.. Was 11 weeks pregnant. In a different country, sharing house with strangers, drinking way too much, in debt up to my tonsils, one night stand - if circumstances were differnt would have had my child. Sounds very selfish now...

I thing about that soul EVERY day - been crying the last few nights(again...). Come to think of it been crying since it happened. Not in a heap just sad. Every new baby I see tuggs at my heart. Tears happening again...

Anyone else? I know the subject to a little taboo in Ireland..hope I dont offend anyone. Just wondering how do people cope. Just let the tears flow and deal with it..

Yes let the tears flow, try and be kind to yourself as Thaed.

15 years ago I was in a very violent relationship and had an abortion at the same time of pregnancy as yourself.

Every year when it comes to that time of year I find myself thinking about that time, the circumstances that led to the abortion, and most of all thinking about what might have been, whilst knowing 100% and more that I made the right decision. It was very tough the first few years, and still isn't easy now (I've not had children since) but I have found that I have accepted my decision/action at the time if that makes any sense. I have never reconciled myself to the remembrance of how lonely a time it was, I suffered from complications in the pregnancy and was hospitalised three times in the eleven weeks prior to the abortion, was in a dreadful and very violent relationship and I made the journey to the UK alone without any support at all.

It's important that you allow yourself to grieve imo, I went through a rather painful period when I started seeing a partner who had a child close in age (less than a year in difference) to the child I would have had, had I not chosen to have an abortion, and found myself very affected by that, but have managed to balance this for myself.

What doesn't help is how taboo a subject it is, and how absolutely dreadful you can feel as a result is not helped by not being able to talk about it even to family and friends.

There are counselling services who can help, I'm sorry I don't have details to give you as I never availed of them.

Regardless, I sincerely hope that you get through this tough time, and find the support that you want/need.

iguana2005

thanks for your kind replies -

ebmma

iguana2005 wrote: »

thanks for your kind replies -

Well Woman centres offer free post termination counselling free of charge. They are great and helped me a lot to sort out my own feelings.
You can come as many times as you need to.

Don't beat yourself up, you made the best decision at the time with information you had at hand.
It is easy to slip into "what if" mode and paint a perfect picture what it could have been like, ignoring all the negatives. But it is not the reality.

You will have children when and if you want them and you'll feel right and happy about it.

PM me if you ever feel like chatting to somebody about it.