Lost our spark?

LegacyUser

Me and husband are in 30s, married 2 years, together seven. Used to have great sex when we met. The first few years of relationship we had of ups and downs which damaged us in some ways but we got over them. We used to have great sex, now almost nothing. I stopped feeling sexual about him after a temporary break up about three years ago even though he is a goodlucking fit guy. He's given up trying in the last year and is really shy with me. I'm also inhibited with him and not that bothered. Only try of late because trying for a baby. We both admit that this is not enough and we both want a better life. I know someone here is going to say counselling. But before we waste anymore time has that ever work for anyone, I mean sexually? Can you ever get it back? Please help.

Oryx

You can get it back if you have a will to. No, you might never get back to the five-times-a-night-shagging-on-the-kitchen-table style of a new relationship, but you can be better than you are.

Sounds to me like the lack of sex is a symptom of the troubles youve been through. Its as if that has created a barrier between you that youve both never really gotten over. I dont know your situation bar the dozen or so sentences above. But whether you involve a counsellor or not the initial way to tackle this is to talk. And talk. And talk. About everything and anything and what youve been through, and finally, sex. All very well to know he is shy, and you are inhibited. Find out why. Its about building intimacy and trust again. Also, learn to have a laugh together, so if you used to do silly things together, do them again. Or if you liked romantic dating initially, do that again. Go back to what worked for you and rekindle that. Its very easy to get bored with someone even when you love them, and thats made worse if you happen to have buried resentement added to it (which I dont know, but you may). You need to see each other as sexual people again, not just lodgers who share a bed.

Please, please get this right BEFORE you concieve a baby. A baby is hard to deal with in a relationship when you are rock solid, harder still when things are already shaky. Far from being relationship glue, a child can sometimes be the opposite.

estar

a baby wont fix it.

you can fix it. you said it yourself you rejected your husband and he has stopped trying.

can you try and seduce him in a light hearted way.

try and do this once a week

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I'm the OP.

I talked to him and even read him your replies. I'm afraid we're really stuck. He doesn't seem prepared to make much effort, but is tired from work and depressed also.

You're right that there are bigger issues in relationship too. He seems to have lost faith is us. I don't really have much at the moment either. Things descend into irritation or bickering really easily. Not happy.

LegacyUser

I can't say I'm very knowledgeable when it comes to relationships but I think to put it blunty you guys need to have sex and soon, I find that in my own relationship that If we don't have sex for a while I get cranky, snappy and just feel bothered. But once we do it acts as a kind of release for us both and brings us together.

Now I know you say he's not really that into it at the moment but how about you go buy yourself some sleek sexy nightwear and when he comes home from work just pounce on him take charge and show him whose boss don't take no for an answer, he's a man after all and a hot sexy near naked woman will get him going. He's yours after all so go claim that penis for your own. Don't let it be just sex, take charge and make it all about pleasure.

Honestly go make an effort yourself and who knows you might rekindle that spark The surprise could do you both some good. Best of luck

calahans

Maybe he is going through a bad performance patch - it happens to a lot of guys. It can be hard to deal with as men dont like to let on that they are having trouble in that department. If you are patient you can get through it.

Also, your only two years married! You need to fight for you relationship...