Friends with Benefits?

Vinta81

In your experience and/or opinion does it work, or will the girl always become emotionally attached?

And, let's say hypothetically of course, the girl was new to the whole "benefiting" - bad idea?

Dudess

Vinta81 wrote: »

In your experience and/or opinion does it work, or will the girl always become emotionally attached?

Not always. And sometimes the guy will get emotionally attached. It's something I personally find extremely crass (if the person is literally a "friend" - friendship is very important to me, different story if they're just someone you get on with/are friendly with) but different strokes and all that. Basically, what I'm saying is, it depends on the individual. Nobody is capable of saying whether it will work or not in any given case.

jim o doom

Seconding dudess response; you never know - it might be you who ends up emotionally attached..

If its someone you honestly hold even remotely dear as a friend and don't want it to go tits up, maybe avoiding would be best.

Vinta81

I haven't done it, but it was a thought that got put out there, but I already like him much more than that. So, I think if sex gets involved it will asa you say "go tits up".

blah

_blank_

Vinta81 wrote: »

but I already like him much more than that.

Well then you'll never a "friend with benefits".

You'll always be the "girl who wants more than the current situation is giving me".

If you KNOW he doesn't want a relationship with you, then don't sleep with him.

Especially, as I think I correctly inferred from your first post, if you are a virgin.

Dudess

Vinta81 wrote: »

I haven't done it, but it was a thought that got put out there, but I already like him much more than that. So, I think if sex gets involved it will asa you say "go tits up".

Nobody said that. There's a risk all right but no guarantee things will go "tits up". The decision is yours.

Vinta81

Des wrote: »

Well then you'll never a "friend with benefits".

You'll always be the "girl who wants more than the current situation is giving me".

If you KNOW he doesn't want a relationship with you, then don't sleep with him.

Especially, as I think I correctly inferred from your first post, if you are a virgin.

See there's a bit more to the story than I'm letting on, but I just wanted to inquire about others views on whether or not FWB should ever be an option.

We've talked about it and he knows I like him, he likes me but obviously not as much and he's pretty much said he wants to sleep with me, but not to expect anything else. I'm just being a stupid girl, I just needed random advice I think.

LegacyUser

I've tried it a few times in the past - never would again. I'm a girl.

In each case, the guy got emotionally involved and it ended badly.

NewFrockTuesday

I wouldn’t have taken that she is a virgin, rather that she’s new to the concept of being friends and having sex occasionally.

I think it’s a convenient way to fulfil a need, but not necessarily a healthy way to do that. The rewards are nowhere near as great as when you are with a (for want of a better way to put it) “real” lover. OP, you come across as young. Its more an arrangement for those a tad older than you sound – no offense. When you are younger, its not really beneficial to you as you may not understand the arrangements consequences fully and are more open to being taken advantage of under the guise of the FB situation.

And to answer your question, yes - it is difficut not to get attached to anyone youre sleeping with. Detachment is something you lean from experience - and is not always a good thing.

Go and fall in real love! Its much better for you and much more fun!

We've talked about it and he knows I like him, he likes me but obviously not as much and

he's pretty much said he wants to sleep with me, but not to expect anything else

. I'm just being a stupid girl, I just needed random advice I think.

He sounds like a real charmer. In other words he wants to use you then discard you. Thats not the dream - nor should it be.

LegacyUser

Seeing as it was him that brought it up and is only interested in sex then you should forget about it.

He is only interested in friendship with sex, you clearly want more. Letting him have sex with you isn't going to make him want a relationship with you, which is what I suspect you are hoping will happen...

Find a guy who wants a relationship with you. Good luck

biko

It's inevitable that sooner or later the bond becomes stronger and one side wants more. The act of sex in itself creates intimacy.

If you just want random sex then pick up guys/girls in bars.

shellyboo

Vinta81 wrote: »

We've talked about it and he knows I like him, he likes me but obviously not as much and he's pretty much said he wants to sleep with me, but not to expect anything else. I'm just being a stupid girl, I just needed random advice I think.

DON'T sleep with this guy. He's already told you what he wants - it's not what you want. Sleeping with him will only set you up for heartbreak. You're asking if the girl always gets attached - but you're already attached. Sleeping with him is a really, really, bad idea.

star-pants

shellyboo wrote: »

DON'T sleep with this guy. He's already told you what he wants - it's not what you want. Sleeping with him will only set you up for heartbreak. You're asking if the girl always gets attached - but you're already attached. Sleeping with him is a really, really, bad idea.

+1 -- this is the advice you need to listen to

_blank_

Don't sleep with him.

You will definitely regret it.

Vinta81

I know ye're giving me the advice I really need i just need to take it in and that's the hard thing. This "situation" has been been on going for months, I deleted his number and all but he's my next door neighbour and works with me, so it's hard to avoid. I turn to complete mush when i'm around him, we came close to sleeping together but i stopped it, cause I just couldn't go through with it But, then i thought what about fooling around without anything else involved, but i'm head over heels already. I need to just try and disassociate myself from him but it's hard lol

I'm so going off topic, i'm sorry.

Beruthiel

Vinta81 wrote: »

We've talked about it and he knows I like him, he likes me but obviously not as much and he's pretty much said he wants to sleep with me, but not to expect anything else.

Des is spot on.
If you like him and he has told you that there will be no relationship then you would be MAD to sleep with him.
All you are doing is setting yourself up to be heartbroken and feeling used.
Don't do it.

clones1980

Hi Vinta81.

Speaking from experience. I met a fella that got on very well with. WE were friends for about two years before anything happened. One nite we were all out and got drunk and one thing lead to another. Anyway five years l8r it was still going on, i was so mad about him i just fell completely in love with him. But he would never have a relationship with me, never. At that stage the friendship was long gone, i was still in love with him, and i was just a shag for him when he had no one else. He just recently got back with a girl he split up with years ago and now he doenst even speak to me. Ive learned my lesson. DOnt even go there. 9 times out of ten its the woman who gets screwed and in more ways than one.

NewFrockTuesday

Its a crush Everyones had one! I remember I had the HUGEST crush on my neighbour when I was 18/19. I thought about him all the time and raced home every weekend! And then turned into an eejit when I met him. Going puse and tripping over my own tounge when talking to him. :pac: he was older and I did eventually sleep with him - but we both regreted it after I think. I certainly did - my bubbble was well and truly burst when I reaised he had just wanted a shag and nothing more. Neither of us ive in the old neighbourhood anymore but still see each other @ Xmas and all the hols. Its cool now but it stung for a long time.

Vinta81

Deepsense wrote: »

Its a crush Everyones had one! I remember I had the HUGEST crush on my neighbour when I was 18/19. I thought about him all the time and raced home every weekend! And then turned into an eejit when I met him. Going puse and tripping over my own tounge when talking to him. :pac: he was older and I did eventually sleep with him - but we both regreted it after I think. I certainly did - my bubbble was well and truly burst when I reaised he had just wanted a shag and nothing more. Neither of us ive in the old neighbourhood anymore but still see each other @ Xmas and all the hols. Its cool now but it stung for a long time.

That's what i'm afraid of. It's such a crap feeling liking someone like that. We've had immense chats some nights just the two of us and he said he liked me awhile back, but ever since that night we barely text or meet up...I keep telling myself to stop it and drop the whole thing, but every time i see him..My Jaw = the ground, I turn into a mumbling piece of mush.

NewFrockTuesday

Yep. It def smarted without doubt. It really hurt to be just used and throw aside. lessons hard learned I suppose

Maybe just avoid him? Not ideal, but you can learn the art of evasion lickedy spit when you need to! Theres no point persuing it and dont sleep with him - I can tell you you will feel TENTWENTYTHIRTYAHUNDRED times worse than if you had valued yourself more.

Im abandoning this thread. Im all depressed now

Dragan

Deepsense wrote: »

He sounds like a real charmer. In other words he wants to use you then discard you. Thats not the dream - nor should it be.

Sounds to me like he is just being honest? If the OP has made the impression that she likes the guy and he basically said he would be up for sex, but not a relationship then he has been as honest as he needs to be i think.

Vinta81

Oh jesus i'm sorry! i'm leaving the thread be now lol. Damn it for being Lent, Ben and Jerrys can no longer keep me company

NewFrockTuesday

Sounds to me like he is just being honest? If the OP has made the impression that she likes the guy and he basically said he would be up for sex, but not a relationship then he has been as honest as he needs to be i think.

Mayhap. Thats not what is being discussed though. She has a thumping great crush on him and wanted to know is it likely she might come off out of this smarting. I said yes. Thats based on my experience. Someone else might have an entirely different opinion. Its not something Im going to debate.

Dragan

Deepsense wrote: »

Mayhap. Thats not what is being discussed though. She has a thumping great crush on him and wanted to know is it likely she might come off out of this smarting. I said yes. Thats based on my experience. Someone else might have an entirely different opinion. Its not something Im going to debate.

It's not something that i will disagree with, i think if the OP slept with this chap it would be a very foolish thing to do.

I think however the she can get over her crush on him, as that is what it is. A crush. No need to cut him off, or stop being friends. The guy hasn't done anything other than be what a friend should be, which is honest.

If the OP thinks it would be easier to not talk to him etc then so be it, but it just strikes me as being poor form to a bloke who has been her friend and ever so slightly playgroundish.

LegacyUser

Vinta81 wrote: »

Oh jesus i'm sorry! i'm leaving the thread be now lol. Damn it for being Lent, Ben and Jerrys can no longer keep me company

Why not head to a boards meetup where you live? If there is any?
Might meet someone even nicer at one and you will soon forget all about him.
Hopefully you will meet someone who wants a relationship with you and not just sex or at the very least get a few new friends

NewFrockTuesday

Yah. Maybe. I just avoided as my circumstances were worst case senario outcome (at the time) for me. I found it easie to avoid - for years actually. Until I grew up a bit. In fairness, the OP does sound young. Im just giving my view from when I was that age. its easy to be mature about affairs of the heart when you are mature. He has been honest, but shes not a robot - you cant just turn feelings on and off and distance might help to level out her feelings to where she can be friends again like before, just in a more measured way.

but ever since that night we barely text or meet up...I keep telling myself to stop it and drop the whole thing, but every time i see him..My Jaw = the ground, I turn into a mumbling piece of mush

Doesnt sound like it might be too much of a stretch anyway.

yellowcurl

Think long and hard before going into something like that, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the people.

chickenlicken

If I were you I'd steer clear. The guy always just sees it as the "benefit" part, whereas it's harder for women to detach from sex emotionally. In my experience I've never not gotten attached! So save yourself the stress, he won't!!

t-ha

Vinta81 wrote: »

In your experience and/or opinion does it work, or will the girl always become emotionally attached?

no, yes

Vinta81 wrote: »

And, let's say hypothetically of course, the girl was new to the whole "benefiting" - bad idea?

yes

sillyputty

Im a girl very recently ended a friends with benefits situation reason being i just felt i wanted more. Not nessecarily from the guy but that i wanted more to a relationship than just sex.

banshee_bones

I really would not go down this road.
Especially if you like this person as your friend.
Once you do and if it doesnt work out there will be little to no hope for salvaging a normal friendship with this guy.

Princessa

Vinta81 wrote: »

I haven't done it, but it was a thought that got put out there, but I already like him much more than that. So, I think if sex gets involved it will asa you say "go tits up".

blah

If you have any type of feelings for him its a recipe for diaster. He'll be delighted that he has his cake (sex with you) but he can go out and eat more too, more cake that .

Esp if your new at it you will have all these weird intimate feelings for him that you get after sex and you might end up getting hurt if you start wanting more and he doesnt, i do think that you have to be very emotionally closed with the person for it to be just friends. Ive had may a friend cry on my shoulder over a friends with benefits experience gone tits up.

Miss Fluff

One of the first rules to a successful FWB relationship is that neither party can want anything more.

You specifically said you really like this guy, you are heading for heartbreak hotel if you fool yourself into thinking you're cool with it on a sex-only basis. Having regular sex with this guy and sharing intimate moments will only intensify those feelings if you like him already. Don't do it to yourself OP, you're setting yourself up for hurt and it will only result in you coming out of this feeling used and confused.

Keep strong and wait for the real thing. (Or find a FB whom you have no romantic inclination towards).