bedroom advice needed

unsatisfied.com

I've been crying myself to sleep for too long about this so I'm taking the plunge and asking here for advice.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about 10 months. He's a wonderful caring funny clever guy and we have a great laugh together and to be honest it's by far the best relationship I've ever had. He treats me well and we are starting to get really serious about each other.

Sounds great, eh? Except that in the bedroom - well - it's kind of a disaster. I'm an extremely sexual person and intimacy with my boyfriend is just - well - it's awful. I know that he has not had as much experience as I have but it's not really that that bothers me. I like experimenting, variety and a bit of spice. He likes straight up no messing missionary. I always compromise, I do it his way and end up unsatisfied. No matter how I've tried to broach the subject, hint, guide or talk about it he's just not interested.

He is a bit ''small'' in that department but I've been with small guys before and to be honest never really noticed as they seemed to have learned some 'tips and tricks' to make up for it. The problem is that I have no idea how I can broach the subject again. I'm scared to death I'll hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate and that's the last thing I want to do. But I'm going out of my MIND. Sex with him has become a chore cause it's always the same, same order, same position and that's just not me.

Whenever we talk about it he asks me what I'd prefer - I tell him - we talk openly and honestly about it - then the next time we're ''together'' it's the same ole same ole.:(

Can anyone give me advice???

LegacyUser

cook a romantic meal, get a little drunk....................................................then blindfold and handcuff him, then have your wicked way! should make him see sense.

Kenno90

you need to tell how this is making you feel . I'm sure he knows that your the one with more expertise in this area . Try talking about what you would like him to do for you in the bed room and ask if he would like you to do anything new . The hardest thing will be to get him to open up about sex but once you do that you should be on your way

spinandscribble

get up out of the bed, floor, bathroom where ever you'll next be doing it if he goes back to old favorite. he's not listening to you or taking your feelings into consideration here at all.

JC 2K3

What do you mean by "he's just not interested"? When you're about to go at it, do you tell him you'd like to try something new and he refuses?

TheZohanS

Tell him you want to take charge for a night, as a special treat for him.

If that works out make it a regular occurrence.

pseudonym1

Maybe try watching porn together - and approaching it like that - or ask him too!
Sex is an important part of a relationship- sometimes poeple are simply not compatiable in this area - IMO that means just not meant to be!

Still though if he is willing to learn and you love each other- means a lot.

unsatisfied.com

thanks all the replies!!!

when we talk about it he seems to take what I say on board - we discuss how I need different things and maybe the next time we'll try it. Then the next time it just goes back to the same ole thing. He says that he gets more from missionary and that he needs to see me to get aroused - the thing is that I just don't ''feel'' anything. i need more. He SEEMS to understand this - just isn't taking it on board or maybe I just need to emphasise how IMORTANT it is?!

Should I do some research on how a ''small'' guy can do things differently and present it to him or suggest he finds out himself. His ''smallness'' is is his main reason for the missionary thing - also he has problems getting aroused if it's not all ''lovey dovey and intimate''. I've never so much as mentioned his smallness - I don't think he realises it TBH. How or should I bring it up in converstaion without hurting his feelings???

pseudonym1

DO you plan to marry /spend rest of your life together?

JC 2K3

Is there much foreplay involved? Does he use fingers or give you oral? Does he just stop after he comes?

Also, if he's able to tell you that he has to do something in a certain way to get aroused and doesn't get anything out of other ways, then you should be able to tell him that the way you're doing things is doing nothing for you.

LegacyUser

Never heard of a fella not willing to experiment, usually we're mad to do anything that's suggested and then some! Maybe he had a bad experience with other positions, or is insecure about it, and only feels comfortable doing good ol missionairy.

Talk it out with him is the only real advice I can offer, don't know how you'd bring it up though, as someone else said, I'd be surprised if he turned down doing something different while he's ready to go.

LadyE

Please dont mention to him how small you think he is..and tricks he can learn etc!!

Can you be more vocal when in the bedroom, instead of staying in missionary or whatever TELL him you want to go on top/spoon/etc. You should guide him to do whatever you want, coax him and lead him

He could be a little shy? Have great intentions to try things but then feel nervous/shy about doing them.

You doont always have to have sex inthe bedroom either, take himto a shower, where missonary will be pretty difficult to do, or spontaneously in the kitchen etc.

You need to communicate more when your actually having sex, rather than across the kitchen table iykwim

Best of luck, can imagine how frustrating it would be

unsatisfied.com

pseudonym1 wrote: »

DO you plan to marry /spend rest of your life together?

In all other ways, yes. We have the same outlook on life, marraige/partnership, kids, where we'd like to settle, money, everything, really. It's taken me a LONG time to meet someone like this (I'm in my 30's) and I really don't want to throw it away.

JC 2K3 wrote: »

Is there much foreplay involved? Does he use fingers or give you oral? Does he just stop after he comes?

Also, if he's able to tell you that he has to do something in a certain way to get aroused and doesn't get anything out of other ways, then you should be able to tell him that the way you're doing things is doing nothing for you.

There is foreplay, it's just that the 'next step' is always his choice - when I suggest something different in the moment he refuses. Without getting too graphic about it I do like a little fantasy - not anything freaky just mild intense wildness :rolleyes: He likes simple intimacy and nothing else I do tell him it's doing nothing for me I suppose he's just discounting it and doing it his way instead. I'm banging my head against the wall here. And that's not doing much for me either :rolleyes:

pseudonym1

unsatisfied.com wrote: »

In all other ways, yes. We have the same outlook on life, marraige/partnership, kids, where we'd like to settle, money, everything, really. It's taken me a LONG time to meet someone like this (I'm in my 30's) and I really don't want to throw it away.

Thats understandable- if you want to have a family and are both on the same page and wish to settle.

I think just take control - tell him exactly what you want and or drag out of him his fantasies - he must have at least 1 or 2
What about buying a book with tips and tricks for both of you.
MAybe take on board that he requires more intimacy then you do when it comes to sex!
Revearsal roles or wha?

Mmmm_Lemony

unsatisfied.com wrote: »

I've been crying myself to sleep for too long about this so I'm taking the plunge and asking here for advice.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about 10 months. He's a wonderful caring funny clever guy and we have a great laugh together and to be honest it's by far the best relationship I've ever had. He treats me well and we are starting to get really serious about each other.

Sounds great, eh? Except that in the bedroom - well - it's kind of a disaster. I'm an extremely sexual person and intimacy with my boyfriend is just - well - it's awful. I know that he has not had as much experience as I have but it's not really that that bothers me. I like experimenting, variety and a bit of spice. He likes straight up no messing missionary. I always compromise, I do it his way and end up unsatisfied. No matter how I've tried to broach the subject, hint, guide or talk about it he's just not interested.

He is a bit ''small'' in that department but I've been with small guys before and to be honest never really noticed as they seemed to have learned some 'tips and tricks' to make up for it. The problem is that I have no idea how I can broach the subject again. I'm scared to death I'll hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate and that's the last thing I want to do. But I'm going out of my MIND. Sex with him has become a chore cause it's always the same, same order, same position and that's just not me.

Whenever we talk about it he asks me what I'd prefer - I tell him - we talk openly and honestly about it - then the next time we're ''together'' it's the same ole same ole.:(

Can anyone give me advice???

Think of an excuse, and take him to your local seedy porn parafanalia shop, buy a couple of viapro pills, or kamagra or whatever, then a deck of kama sutra cards, or a book, and tell him you want to try every possible position there is over the course of a week.

If he's not up for it then you need to be blunt and explain that you have needs and wants that he's not taking care of, but that you are trying to help him. Dont point out his small wang or that will make it even smaller!

who007

make him your slave - put on some porn and a dog collar round his neck and order him to do things to you. You get kinky sex - he gets to allow himself enjoy it cos it's not really him doing it - it's your slave doing it and he has no choice..

MagicMarker

who007 wrote: »

make him your slave - put on some porn and a dog collar round his neck and order him to do things to you. You get kinky sex - he gets to allow himself enjoy it cos it's not really him doing it - it's your slave doing it and he has no choice..

Wow, you should be a therapist, you just solved the puzzle doc!

OP, tell him you're not having sex again until he decides whether he's going to actually listen to you, or just keep on ignoring you.

You need to get this resolved now, otherwise we'll have another thread here in 10 years saying ''my husband is no good in bed''.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - as a guy with a slighty shorter than average endowment, I've had to alter my approach to certain positions and I can tell you straight missionary is not a good position - unless your legs are in the air and he's kneeling in front of you. However, there are positions to suit all shapes and sizes - see here:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_200/209_love_tip.html (NSFW)

You must make him understand that he is simply not satisfying your needs currently and that things must change. You're doing him no favours by allowing him to remain oblivious to the problem. In my case, simple mechanics were enough for me to realise that some positions just didn't provide enough penetration. The Gods compensated for my lack of length with, ahem, more than the average width, which pleases herself no end so long as the position is right, e.g. Doggy is one of the better ones ;-). But if there's a girth issue there are also position where you can close your legs to increase sensation etc.

Make him aware of the issue and get him to read the article above.

LegacyUser

unsatisfied.com wrote: »

I've been crying myself to sleep for too long about this so I'm taking the plunge and asking here for advice.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for about 10 months. He's a wonderful caring funny clever guy and we have a great laugh together and to be honest it's by far the best relationship I've ever had. He treats me well and we are starting to get really serious about each other.

Sounds great, eh? Except that in the bedroom - well - it's kind of a disaster. I'm an extremely sexual person and intimacy with my boyfriend is just - well - it's awful. I know that he has not had as much experience as I have but it's not really that that bothers me. I like experimenting, variety and a bit of spice. He likes straight up no messing missionary. I always compromise, I do it his way and end up unsatisfied. No matter how I've tried to broach the subject, hint, guide or talk about it he's just not interested.

He is a bit ''small'' in that department but I've been with small guys before and to be honest never really noticed as they seemed to have learned some 'tips and tricks' to make up for it. The problem is that I have no idea how I can broach the subject again. I'm scared to death I'll hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate and that's the last thing I want to do. But I'm going out of my MIND. Sex with him has become a chore cause it's always the same, same order, same position and that's just not me.

Whenever we talk about it he asks me what I'd prefer - I tell him - we talk openly and honestly about it - then the next time we're ''together'' it's the same ole same ole.:(

Can anyone give me advice???

Jesus, this could be me, and I was just about to post about it here today! I'm having a very similar. With my boyfriend 10 months, never been happier, best relationship by far I've ever had....except for the sex.

He's a few years older than me but I have a lot more experience than him. I've always been a very sexual person and know exactly what I want. He has had his confidence damaged by ex-girlfriends; one who used to tell him he's crap in bed and that his d*ck was too small (he was with her for 7 years for some reason).

The thing is, he's NOT crap in bed, he's just not into experimenting much. He's amazing at foreplay and gives me the best orgasms I've ever had, but it's always the same thing, same routine. He doesn't last very long, which I don't mind too much as he always makes sure I enjoy myself both before and after he cums, but I feel like we're stuck in a rut.

After reading this I realise that I sound very selfish! I do appreciate him but he's just not interested in the stuff I'm into. I absolutely love being dominated, am into quite a bit of kinky stuff, light s&m etc. I've told him this loads of times but he's just started saying that that's not him, he's not the dominating type, so I've stopped pushing that. I've asked him numerous times about his fantasies but he says he doesn't have any. I try and talk to him about my fantasies, I've told him a few times that my biggest fantasy would be to be with another girl...I know lots of guys would be interested in this and would get turned on by it but he just changes the subject so I've stopped bringing that up too.

I have introduced sex toys a few times. I think when I brought out my vibrator he was a bit intimidated by it. I have anal beads too but he didn't want to go near them (I've tried the whole rimming thing with him; he didnt like it but I hoped he'd reciprocate, but he didn't!). I dress up sometimes in sexy negliges which he loves, but I feel like I'm always the one making the effort to do things differently. I've also bought handcuffs which we haven't tried out yet.

It's so frustrating because I know I love him so much and never want to be without him, but more and more lately I've started fantasizing about guys I've been with before who have been into all the same stuff as me. I also sometimes watch porn but I don't think he'd be comfortable if I wanted us to watch it together. He has had his confidence knocked loads and I've tried my best to build it back up again. I always compliment him when we're in bed so he knows that he IS good, but I just want more and I'm worried that I'll be tempted to stray in the future.

Sorry OP, I'm kind of taking over your thread with my problem, but there's no point in opening another thread practically the same! I'm interested in everyone's replies to your problem and I'm hoping they'll help me too.

RossFixxxed

The thing that jumped out at me (tee hee) in the OP's post here isn't the sexual side of things, it's the fact that she has talked to him many times and he says he'll take it on board then doesn't... That's a bit of a worry. If that spills out into other areas of the relationship it could be an even bigger problem.

OP you're gonna have to start into it and then work things in. Sitting him down may make him very nervous which will make things far worse. He could be a bit shy.... but the 'I need to see you' thing is a bit silly... He could be seeing you from LOTS MORE ANGLES which I would have thought would be more of a turn on... Maybe a room with a mirror would help?

I dunno, it's one thing to not want to do something because it's not for you, it's another to agree to change things then just do what he wants every single time...

R

LegacyUser

Okay - I was in his situation about 10 years ago.

I was seeing a very attractive girl but I was inexperienced and wasn't sure what I liked at all.

I felt under pressure to perform which didn't help matters (due to my own lack of confidence).

Anyway, even though I loved watching porn, bringing it to the bedroom was a different story - in fact, she wanted to spice things up but I just didn't.. she brought me to a sex shop, wanted to spice things up...... (tbh I think that the relationship was a bit over at that stage and had lost it's zing)

I had never known how to express myself sexually and I never wanted to talk about it - found it too embarrassing.

There was a bit of "I fantasise about that but I could never do it with my girlfriend" and also, I didn't know that I was allowed to do certain things.

I guess through that I learned that I can be more "in control" - I could take charge a bit and WOW, I could enjoy it. So instead of thinking "I am not allowed do that", I now take a bit more risk and try it and if it's rebuffed then so be it.

I think also that it can be difficult for someone to change while in a relationship... it can be a bit weird being straight during sex to being completely different.

If I was you, I'd start taking control in the sack... when he's lying in bed in the morning, climb on top of him so he is under you...... wake him up with a BJ and when he's nearly there, turn around and wait for him to come at you..... do the manouvering to position yourself where you want it.

LegacyUser

I suppose he's just discounting it and doing it his way instead

Sadly, this seems all too common.

My ex was like this, I tried and tried to make him understand that this was a serious problem for me, but he refused to listen or believe me. He hooked me in with plenty of sex at first and then suddenly (after we had bought a house) switched off. I felt tricked and trapped.

Anyway nothing I did could change things, I tried everything but the will was not there. I had to leave him in the end.

Set out your point very clearly to your partner, because as much as you love someone, a life with hardly and sex and/or poor quality sex is not possible.

Make him understand he needs to not just pay lip service (if only!!!) but show you actual change with his actions and in a reasonable time frame, ie not years.