Constantly breaking up and getting back together again

alllsop_2000

Hello,

My story is i went out with a girl for 11 years from we were 17. We were on and off a lot of that time too. Anyway we broke up once again and i moved about 200 miles away for work. We got back together for a short time while i was away from home.

We split up for over four years tho we stayed friends and i would sometimes c her (but not for s_x) when i was home as were from the same small town.

We got back together about a year and a half ago for about 3 months, then she broke it off saying the distance was a problem. I was gutted, as i travelled home every weekend to c her. She later told me tho that she didnt think i was putting enough of an effort into the relationship and thats y she broke it off.

Anyway to cut a long story short we met last week and decided to try again. I still live 200 miles away and with work that's not gonna change anytime soon. We both love each other and think there is no one else for us. I cant imagine been with anyone else.

Will this ever work or is it gonna be a case of on again off again.

star-pants

There's big gaps between dating there, and I wonder is it a case of nostalgia that gets ye back together sometimes? Just if it's worth working on surely ye'd have worked on it by now?
People change a lot from the age of 17 and is it a case of sticking with what you know, and comfort? Rather than love love?
I'm not doubting ye btw - I'm just asking. If ye both really love each other and *both* work hard to stay together (you mentioned last time it was you doing all the travelling) then there's a shot. But if one persons doing all the work it'll be an off again on again when one party gets tired.

Ye need to have a really big think about this - because it might just hurt more in the long run, getting together and one deciding to breakup, gutting the other. You have to work out the logistics of living far apart and seeing each other and not having one half stuck with all the travel arrangements

clones1980

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

Hello,

My story is i went out with a girl for 11 years from we were 17. We were on and off a lot of that time too. Anyway we broke up once again and i moved about 200 miles away for work. We split up for over four years tho we stayed friends and i would sometimes c her when i was home as were from the same small town.

We got back together about a year and a half ago for about 3 months, then she broke it off saying the distance was a problem. I was gutted, as i travelled home every weekend to c her.

Anyway to cut a long story short we met last week and decided to try again. I still live 200 miles away and with work thats not gonna change anytime soon. We both love each other and think there is no one else for us. Will this ever work or is it gonna be a case of on again off again.

Hi alllsop. I have a friend who is in the same boat as you.
Unless you are able to resolve the issues that keep you from breaking up in the first place, then that issue is always gonna worm its way back to the surface. After four years of been apart i cant see how you both couldnt make it work for more than three months????

Redpunto

why put urself through all this heartache - you both really need to decide what you both want - either go for it full throttle and give the relationship your all or decide enough is enough and cut all ties.

alllsop_2000

Hi star-pants.

Thanks for reply.

Dont get me wrong she did travel to see me but i play sport at home so i would be travelling home anyway.

She did tell me that she didnt feel i was that into making it work last time as i didnt put a lot of effort into the relationship. which is partly true and partly not. When i was home i would go for few drinks with the lads also.

star-pants

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

Dont get me wrong she did travel to see me but i play sport at home so i would be travelling home anyway.

Well that's fair then

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

She did tell me that she didnt feel i was that into making it work last time as i didnt put a lot of effort into the relationship. which is partly true and partly not. When i was home i would go for few drinks with the lads also.

Well that's the thing - when you're home you want to see people you haven't seen too. I dated a guy for bout 3months who I travelled to every weekend (he never travellled) and we'd have to go out with his friends each time. Not that I minded at first but it means ye don't get yer own time together.
You have to be willing to commit to this time of relationship - as it's long distance it requires strength on both sides and willing to put in effort. If one or both of ye don't do this - it's too hard on the other half to keep it up.

Do you feel it's something worth working at? And are you willing to do what it takes?

alllsop_2000

Star-pants

Of course. I do think shes the only one for me. We have both tried other relationships and they just dont work. I think because we keep coming back together then it has to work.

Wibbs

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

Star-pants

Of course. I do think shes the only one for me. We have both tried other relationships and they just dont work. I think because we keep coming back together then it has to work.

I wouldn't agree. The idea that out of billions of women you happened to have found the only one for you is a bit far fetched. OK that bits my humble. I would say though, that because both of you probably believe this, you haven't given others a chance or maybe even subconsciously picked people who wouldnt work out long term. The real issue is and clonesbabe nailed it, if the same things keep splitting you up then unless that changes that'll happen again and again.

star-pants

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

Star-pants

Of course. I do think shes the only one for me. We have both tried other relationships and they just dont work. I think because we keep coming back together then it has to work.

Well then if ye both love each other and are willing to go the distance (excuse the pun) then I say give it a shot - once ye know it's going to be hard work, but hopefully it'll be worth it hun But also as others have said - the reasons that ye split up before - do some of them still stand?

alllsop_2000

We usually split up over her saying im not putting enough effort in which is prob true to some extent as i said i do play football and i have to spend time with family as well when im home.

Wibbs

Well then if you continue to do that, rinse and repeat.

star-pants

alllsop_2000 wrote: »

We usually split up over her saying im not putting enough effort in which is prob true to some extent as i said i do play football and i have to spend time with family as well when im home.

Well then that's the thing that has to change - the effort to spend more time together, more time on the relationship. Otherwise ye'll end up in the same situation

alllsop_2000

Sure i cant not see my family or play football either. I come down Fri. play game and spend a lot of time with her over the weekend. I cant jsut give up my friends either. How do i make this work?

Super-Rush

Just forget it mate its not worth it. Do you really want to spend your whole life in a relationship that ends every five minutes? I've been there and its crap and it can take years to get over, if the same problems are there after 11 years then they will never go away.

Nevyn

It doesn't mean ye are meant to be together, love can't conquer all.
It does mean that you are not growing and learning.
If ye can cut contact and not see each other for 3 years and see where you
are then then maybe it was meant to be but it's unlikely.

star-pants

I'm not saying you shouldn't see your family or that - but if you do what you did before then you'll end up in the same place. Have you talked to your on/off gf? Have ye discussed what would be enough?

alllsop_2000

I cant see that happen. Were both from same small town and her bro is one of my best friends.

Overheal

Friends with Benefits? For whatever reason you both seem unable to make a commited, long distance relationship work.

Redpunto

in all fairness mate - when your are in a relationship that is the "one" - that girlfriend would take precedence over everything - sport family etc. so if your out with your mates instead of spending time with her over the weekend, well im not suprised shes pissed off

lolli

If you are seeing each other at the weekends you are probably in the same position as many other couples who are making it work. Its not like you are seeing each other every couple of months.

I have been in long distance relationships and they do take a lot of work. I think in your case your relationship is not able to function as a long distance one so I think one of you needs to be willing to move or else you are just going to keep running into the same problems over and over again.

lolli

Redpunto wrote: »

in all fairness mate - when your are in a relationship that is the "one" - that girlfriend would take precedence over everything - sport family etc. so if your out with your mates instead of spending time with her over the weekend, well im not suprised shes pissed off

That is such BULL!!! No girlfriend should expect their boyfriend to give up every other aspect of their life for them. Of course the op should keep seeing his family and friends. He says he makes time for her but he also needs to make time for the other people in his life.

alllsop_2000

Hi Red Punto.

Its not that im off the whole weekend ignoring her. I play footie, that takes up 2-3 hours n i def dont go off with the lads every weekend. I cant give up family and friends either and on that note my friends are her friends too. and my family love her and treat her as family and she usually is with me when im seeing them. i dont know how im not putting enough into it.

star-pants

You need to talk to her then - and find out what she's expecting from you (not in a bad way). But obviously she has to understand you only get home at weekends and have to share your time.

cwhooley

A relationship is not going to work on it's own just because you are two lovely people. There are always going to be problems, ditance, jobs, pressures and other factors. There are always going to be issues. I think that you both should decide that you do care about each other and that the next time there are problems effecting the relationship that you will sit down, talk and try and iron them out. With some love, patience, and most importantly ..compromise....things can get sorted. The power of you love for each other keeps bringing you back and that's lovely. Wishing you the best. C.

dudara

cwhooley Please don't drag up old threads.

dudara