A Foreign Problem

LegacyUser

Hi,

Have a strange dilemma. I've been chatting to this guy in Europe for a couple of months now. We have the same interests, same attitude, philosophy etc. I've also seen him on webcam so I know he's not some fat old pervert, and he doesn't want to live here in Ireland so it's not an issue of that kind either.

But he is gay. I'm a guy. I've had issues over my sexuality for the past year or so, and am more interested in being with a woman than a man. But the idea of being bisexual has never completely closed from my mind. Recently he's expressed interest in wanting to be with me...sleeping with me. I have expressed similar interest but I don't know if it's what I really want. He wants me to come over to his country and sleep with him.

Am I being delusional? I know it's not what I think I really want but I'm so tempted to go over and experience it. In some way, I feel some attraction for him, but I'm a virgin student, wouldn't I want to do it with anyone? I'm open minded to trying new things. Am I being used here or something. He's a few years older than me...and is not a virgin. He doesn't want penetrative sex, just blowjob/oral and to sleep with me. Should I just try and if I feel uncomfortable the next day, I'll know my true sexuality?

Should I go over? Maybe I'm being delusional, I'd like to get people's opinions on this...maybe I'm viewing the situation wrong, or maybe I should just go.

Xiney

Honestly, I don't think you should do anything sexual if you have doubts about it - with a girl or a guy. Emotional responses to sexual experiences can stay with you for the rest of your life (aka baggage) and if you're not ready for something, you're far more likely to have a negative emotional reaction.

So just tell the nice guy that you're not ready for that yet, but that you appreciate the offer and that you'd like to remain friends. He may not want to - and then you'll know what kind of friend he was in the first place.

shellyboo

registered123 wrote: »

He doesn't want penetrative sex, just blowjob/oral and to sleep with me. Should I just try and if I feel uncomfortable the next day, I'll know my true sexuality?

Should I go over? Maybe I'm being delusional, I'd like to get people's opinions on this...maybe I'm viewing the situation wrong, or maybe I should just go.

Oh my god, do NOT go to another country simply to experiment. By making the effort to go over there, you're tacitly implying that you're up for whatever he's suggesting - things that you may not even want to do in the heat of the moment.

Think of your personal safety if nothing else. What happens if you two have a fight and you're left stranded in some foreign country with nowhere to stay or something? It's a very complex situation that presents a lot of possible problems.

If you are unsure about your sexuality, there are much, MUCH safer ways of going about it. You don't need to leave the country to do it.

LegacyUser

I see your points, thanks for replying.

Just to note, he isn't a stranger or anything, and he's not desperate if that's the way I've painted him. I've known him since last year through the internet and he's a genuinely nice, caring guy. I've seen him on webcam like I said, and he looks nice, and he's fairly intelligent as well from out discussions. Hope I didn't paint a bad picture of him. He would never force me to do something against my will though. We planned to meet up anyway, so even when I do meet him, I could still say no. Just...should I experiment while I'm away knowing this?

Plus, I wouldn't worry about being stranded, I can look after myself abroad easily...there wouldn't be a problem there.

shellyboo

registered13 wrote: »

I see your points, thanks for replying.

Just to note, he isn't a stranger or anything, and he's not desperate if that's the way I've painted him. I've known him since last year through the internet and he's a genuinely nice, caring guy. I've seen him on webcam like I said, and he looks nice, and he's fairly intelligent as well from out discussions. Hope I didn't paint a bad picture of him. He would never force me to do something against my will though. We planned to meet up anyway, so even when I do meet him, I could still say no. Just...should I experiment while I'm away knowing this?

Plus, I wouldn't worry about being stranded, I can look after myself abroad easily...there wouldn't be a problem there.

It's not that you painted a bad picture of him, but you have to think really hard about something like this. Knowing someone on the internet is not the same as knowing someone in real life. You can fancy someone online and not fancy them when you actually meet them. You *say* he'd never force you to do anything but you can never be sure. You'll be in a different country with no access to friends or family if something did go wrong.

All I'm saying is there are easier ways to experiment than putting yourself in a situation like that. You need to minimize the risk, and the best way to do that is to take small steps towards experimentation - not a huge one like going to a foreign country to find out if you like men.

Baby steps, on your home turf is the way to go.

LegacyUser

I suppose it's a head or heart situation. My head tells me not to, but my heart tells me to.

Regarding support/friends, if something did happen, they would be the last people I could turn to...considering most are homophobes and wouldn't understand my confusion with sexuality, while others don't want to know about things like this. My family aren't supportive either.

I've never experienced anything in Ireland, nor have I come close, and this issue has been a major issue for me. It gets me down that I've never been with anyone yet...and this chap comes along...compliments me, offers to me...it makes a difference to what I've normally had...which is flat rejection. Not their fault of course.

Over the last 2 years or so...I've always wanted the opportunity to come along...and now it does and I'm considering to reject it. I'm so down about this.

Shellyboo...I don't know why this is; but I want to take your advice because I believe you are right, but why is there a side to me that wants to go...when I speak with him again over the next few days...he'll probably compliment me more...and I'll fall for it...I can't avoid him either...he has been a friend and given good advice for me and knows things about me my best friends don't know. And the time will inevitably come when we meet...even as friends...

LegacyUser

You only live once...Is his country somewhere you would be interested in visiting anyway? Could you make a trip out of it? I mean go there to see the sites and him as well.

I think it could be done in a way that would minimize the risks you you, emotionally and physically. Book your own hotel room, make sure you have plenty of money, credit cards. Have places planned out to visit besides his bedroom. That way if it all fell through it wouldn't be a complete waste. Obviously take all of the usual precautions: meet in a public place at first, make sure someone you trust knows where you will be, practice safe sex and most important...listen to your gut feeling. If you start to sense that something is not quite right then it probably isn't and you should pay attention to that.

One question: If you got there and he changed HIS mind and rejected you, would you be able to handle that? It's something to keep in mind. Just don't build it up to much before you get there and know it's for real.