Do couples need to fight?

ManOfMystery

Bit of a weird question here. Do couples need to fight, i.e. is it unhealthy to have a relationship where you basically don't fight and don't get things off your chest now and again? Obviously I'm not talking about the extreme end of things where you're arguing ever waking hour ....... just maybe a row now and again.

Reason I ask is that I have been going out with a wonderful girl for the past 14 months, and we've never fought. We're both in our 30s so have probably matured past the young jealous/immature/huffy stages. The closest we've come is some slight bickering which lasted no more than a minute and was my fault anyway. We just seem to get along very well and agree on most things in life, if we don't agree we respect the other person's viewpoint.

It not to say there's a lack of passion in our life, we are very passionate about each other and there's lots of affection/kissing/etc. Its also not to say that we get on so well because we have identical interests; we're similar in some ways, but there are other things (hobbies, etc) that we're totally different in.

It's probably nothing to worry about, the only reason it's in my head was because I watched a TV programme last night where someone mentioned that it's very healthy for couples to fight now and again. I don't want our lack of fighting to seem like a lack of enthusiasm or for things to build up in our relationship and lead to problems further down the line.

AskYerMa

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Bit of a weird question here. Do couples need to fight, i.e. is it unhealthy to have a relationship where you basically don't fight and don't get things off your chest now and again? Obviously I'm not talking about the extreme end of things where you're arguing ever waking hour ....... just maybe a row now and again.

Reason I ask is that I have been going out with a wonderful girl for the past 14 months, and we've never fought. We're both in our 30s so have probably matured past the young jealous/immature/huffy stages. The closest we've come is some slight bickering which lasted no more than a minute and was my fault anyway. We just seem to get along very well and agree on most things in life, if we don't agree we respect the other person's viewpoint.

It not to say there's a lack of passion in our life, we are very passionate about each other and there's lots of affection/kissing/etc. Its also not to say that we get on so well because we have identical interests; we're similar in some ways, but there are other things (hobbies, etc) that we're totally different in.

It's probably nothing to worry about, the only reason it's in my head was because I watched a TV programme last night where someone mentioned that it's very healthy for couples to fight now and again. I don't want our lack of fighting to seem like a lack of enthusiasm or for things to build up in our relationship and lead to problems further down the line.

I think its normal for couples not to fight, ive been with my GF 6 yrs, and havent had a row in 5 years .. i put this down to the fact that that when im finished pumping her i let all the air out of her and put her back in the box under my bed.

Wibbs

I would say no. For me at least. Fights for me means that the communication has broken down. It should have been spotted by me or her and dealt with before that point. Now you get some drama queens and kings who seem to need this, but unless you want to deal with that, it's rarely worth it IMHO.

Wibbs

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smileysurfer

I my own personal experience the odd minor argument is good! (if its required at the time ) It shows that you are not afraid to stand up to each other or express your own views.It would say you NEED to fight tho. Some couples are in love but always fighting! depends on the couple i spose

00112984

You could always start a fight about your lack of fights- I did that once!

Seriously, though, I'm a fan of the phrase "pick your battles". Don't sweat the small stuff and let it grow into something it's not by constantly picking arguments around it but, if you believe something is worth fighting for, you just need to know yourself that you have the ability to put your point forward.

I used to go out with a fella and we'd argue all the time. It was all drama (him, to be fair) and there could be three or four screaming matches a day. I hated it. I was on edge around him all the time and tried to avoid saying certain things that would set us off. Like, this man once started screaming at me because I said "ooh, I love this song!" twice is a row with two different songs on the radio. :rolleyes:

The relationship I've been in for the past 7 years is lovely. Pretty much drama-free. Like everyone else, we have the occasional tiff but neither of us are into screaming (I do a mean door-bang and silent treatment, though).

I think it's important to be in a relationship where you're comfortable enough to voice opinions and put up a fight for an issue that's important to you but if you're fighting all the time, that just takes time away from doing fun things.

Dragan

I would agree with Wibbs, that an outright fight with raised voices and angry words normally means the lines of communication have been cut somewhere along the way.

You will have differences of opinion, different desires, different interpretations of things and people, you may conciously or unconciously hurt each other etc etc etc....that normally par for the course in a relationship. Once you keep an open and honest dialogue about your feelings and once you respect those feelings, there should be no real need to fight.

aoibhebree

I rarely fight with my boyfriend, and if I do it's generally when one or both of us is tired or cranky. We have really good communication, and that helps.

Some of my friends are in relationships where they have massive rows all the time, usually over jealously etc. They claim (when they're not fighting) that the conflict is good, and they'd probably just be bored without it, and that they only fight because they're so in love and passionate about each other. Personally I think that's absolute bull, and I can't see how it would be sustainable in the long term.

OP, I definitely don't think you need conflict as such, just don't be afraid to be open and honest with your girlfriend, and if any issues do arise, make sure you bring them up and discuss them as soon as possible.

Liam Byrne

As with all things, it depends on the context.

If you are, or are with, with a drama queen or king, or someone who's rude, then yes, it's part of being with them, and it's unhealthy; it doesn't need to be that way if issues are discussed and dealt with along the way.

The reverse, however, is where there is absolutely no conflict; it can mean that someone's being a doormat and/or that neither person really cares about the other person's opinion anymore....

dreamlogic

Wibbs wrote: »

I would say no. For me at least. Fights for me means that the communication has broken down. It should have been spotted by me or her and dealt with before that point.

Totally agree with this.

If people who love each other can’t find a way to communicate without it exploding into a fight then what hope is there?
Then again there are different levels and ways of 'fighting'...
Some people are able to fight fair, to get their point across without crossing the line into belittling or disrespecting the other person, changing the subject etc.
But if fighting means exploding anger and things said in the heat of the moment and regretted later.. this is never good.

In my experience, how conflict is dealt with early in a relationship often sets a precedent for how things will happen later down the line. This would include staying too quiet and sweeping problems or concerns under the carpet and hoping that things will resolve themselves.. recipe for disaster IMO.

]In any long term relationship life will throw up surprises and challenges to be faced. If your relationship has a solid foundation of love and respect(and it sounds like you have that), there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.

00112984 wrote: »

You could always start a fight about your lack of fights- I did that once!

LOL

herya

Depends on your personalities really. I've been with my OH for nearly 10 years now and we've never had a row. Some disagreements yes but we seem to be very agreeable and in most conflict cases we agree to disagree and work our way around it.

Don't try to fight for the sake of it...

Nevyn

Disagreements yes, confrontations yes, arugments yes, all of which can be fairly civil and constructive if there is good communication in a relationship.

And no one is perfect we all occasionally get miffed or in a strop but adults take ownership and responsiblity for thier actions when that happens, ( if I walk away from a discussion or a confrontation which is getting too emotive that is my way of taking responsiblity and a time out until I can re enguage in a civil manner, heavens help someone if they try following me ).

There can be passion in a relationship with out it being full blow rows
and then making up afterwards. If you are happy with the communication and conflict
resoluation in your relationship then be happy, if you are concerned that ye have yet
to hit stormy weather and it's all been calm sailing up until now and you are not sure
if ye will survive a squall then talk to each other about it.

TheBigGuy

ManOfMystery wrote: »

was my fault anyway.

i find as long as i remember this one rule, fights end quickly. i dont think couples inherently need to fight but they should be open with each other when it is required and an issue needs discussion. Please refer to the rule when in this happens

ManOfMystery

Some good advice here, many thanks. I meant to add that we've both talked about previous relationships where we DID fight a lot; I fought almost every day with my ex, as did my partner with her ex. So it's not that we're pacifists or docile .... I guess we just gel together better than we did with others.

Thanks

GeeNorm

haha good to see this thread. I've been in a relationship for 5 years now and we have never fought. Buying house, wedding over the next two years so things are giong great.

Men tend to be happy creatures, women don't. If you're lucky to have gotten a 'happy' woman then don't be surprised if you don't fight.