Frustrated!

Whynotme

Long time prowler first time poster. Please bear with me.

Divorced, 3 kids, long time relationship, live apart for various reasons. Overall I am happy with my life but recently both the inactivity of both my daughter and my partner are wearing me down. Both are so indecisive, no get up and go. In fact I am starting to feel my partner wants a mammy, someone to take charge and sort him and his children out. While I really love him and used to see us getting married in a few years, lately I wonder. My daughter is not working, not trying, I know there is a recession on but if you don't look you don't get! This is driving me mad. I have nearly always worked, have (I think) a good work ethic, and cannot understand this attitude. My partner has a lot of things he needs to sort out but has done nothing/zilch to do this. I now feel like a nag which I am not. But I do worry about the affects of his inability to sort these issues out will have in the long run. Some will not affect him directly but those that he loves will be. I have tried to take a step back but unless I totally walk away I cannot get rid of the worry. Any suggestions on springing these 2 special people into action? I care very much for them both, worry about them both, worry about my partners kids and need him to take responsibility and action.

LegacyUser

I don't think people "who are doers" understand in any way people who are "procrastinators/I should do-ers".

I am a procrastinator like your fella. I have lots of things I need to do but put lots of things off.

Why do I do this? Well I put it down to fear of the unkown, fear of failure and possibly even fear of success.... classic procrastination symptoms.

I run my own business and things run fine but I know that if I had more confidence I could really expand and do more.

Two of my exes used to give me grief over it and years later, I am still trying to figure out why I'm like this and what I can do to for me - so one ex pulled me up on me saying that I wanted to do X or Y and never getting around to doing it.... they were both people who just did stuff. For me, there's indecision and also "I'll do that later".

Moaning at them won't encourage them to do anything and probably make them feel worse about it and totally avoid what they have to do.

What you could do is offer to help your man/daughter.... "Can I give you a hand with X?"

Thing is, sometimes people (me), feel so bad about not doing stuff initially so they just bury their heads in the sand. Also, they just might not have the confidence to do what they have to do - your daughter might feel she hsan't the skills or ability to do a job.

Whynotme

You're spot on! Don't get me wrong, I am as capable of putting things on the long finger as the next person but cannot understand why when something is important and can have long term effects, is put on the long finger. Just even putting my feelings into words here has helped. I don't think I realised quite how much it was affecting me and in turn my relationship with them until I did. My daughter had to leave her last job when she didn't really want to and I think that has had an effect on her. I have since had a chat and the outcome is that cv's are being posted today. I only want her to try, I know how hard it is at the moment. I don't want her sinking into a depression, relying on benefits etc. As time as gone by she is doing less and less which is unhealthy. She is young and should be enjoying life which isn't possible living as she has been.

My oh also changed jobs, has more time and seems to do less! Hopefully with a bit more orgainsation he can get everything in order. Maybe thats where I need to step in. Will make life much easier in the long run, for both of us.

Thanks for the reply/insight!

Oh The Humanity

Hi There, I notice often (I am a doer too!) that I 'compensate' for others who are procrastinators as often its just quicker, less hassle and more efficient and expedient.

But this has the unfortunate result of those people failing to notice that you are doing their responsibilities for them. What is worst I get so used to picking up their slack by my many tiny actions that I sort of forget or become blind to how much I do for them.

Then when I go to explain to them, say for example someone in work who I constantly correct their work every week as if flows through me to somewhere else, the compensations have become so automatic I cant remember or verbalise properly what I actually do to help them.

Its really frustrating and as its many small actions rather than one big dramatic one, you cannot even articulate them to the person as they sound so trivial. Its just the fecking VOLUME of small stuff that people take for granted that annoys me. It impinges into your own precious time that you should be enjoying.

But the procrastinators dont see that, they dont realise REALLY that picking up their slack affects others. They think its a non issue!

You could try a strike I suppose and maybe they will wise up....

Do you do all your fellas little jobs, like applying for stuff, personal admin etc as well as housework, cooking etc
If you do maybe stop or would that just be worse, would you end up with a dependant mess?