Shocker...boyfriend has a baby!!

accounts

o

sardineta

He wants you in his life and you want to be there for him, errr what's the problem?

andrewh5

sardineta wrote: »

He wants you in his life and you want to be there for him, errr what's the problem?

+1

Crumble Froo

so what exactly is the problem?

does he intend moving abroad so he can be closer?

accounts

is it really that simple??

sardineta

It only needs to be as difficult as you want to make it.

accounts

no he has no intentions to move abroad but will start spendin weekends there.... he works a lot as it is...so we never get to spend weekends together... i didnt realise he worked so hard to send the money over....

will i know become secondary in our relationship? its been just me and him for so long i cant help but think of where i will fit in to all of this.....

sardineta

How many weekends? He'll have to get some grip on reality here that he's an absentee father whose child's mother doesn't want him in the child's life.

Perhaps you should ask him how he sees the relationship with you working out if he's going to be working or travelling all the time. He may decide it won't work, sadly, for you.

shellyboo

accounts wrote: »

will i know become secondary in our relationship? its been just me and him for so long i cant help but think of where i will fit in to all of this.....

Probably. But would you want to be with a guy who puts his own kid second? Tbh, you knew he had a kid... if the kid lived in the country, would you not have gone out with him in the first place?

You say you want to be there for him, that may mean taking a back seat - if you can't deal with that, then you do have an issue which you need to discuss with your bf.

star-pants

accounts wrote: »

but now i find im stuck between a rock and a hard place... i love him so much... and he has never done anything wrong by me... i want to be there for him...and he still wants me in his life.... am i mad?

Should i cut ties now? or should i stick through and try to make the best of a bad situation?

You say you love him so much, and that you guys work well together. You say you want to be there for him, and he still wants you in his life.
You have your answer hun - your relationship will change, granted, but he has to put the daughter first. Ye will have a possibly tough time ahead but if ye are both honest and love each other ye can try and work through it. If after a time things don't work, at least you'd know ye tried. Instead of bailing at the first hurdle.

You love him and he doesn't want you out of his life - they're the important things.

AngryBadger

Cut ties now. He's waited 7 months to tell you this, clearly it's something he needs to sort out, do you honestly think he's capable of maintaining any kind of honest, stable relationship while he's battling for custody of the child he had out of a one-night-stand with a woman who doesn't even live in the same country as him anymore.

My take; this guy wants to sort out custody/visitation/whatever with his kid. Unless he's a plank then his kid comes first and if you're very lucky you might come second. Not the best position to be trying to build a relationship. And what happens while all this is going on? Are you prepared to be at his beck and call while he to and fros to see this child during and after whatever pegal proceedings are required?

Unless you're absolutely head over heels about this guy I don't know why you'd want to get involved in such a messy situation. I'd also wonder why he's telling you now after 7 months? It's not like he hasn't had plenty of opportunities up to now, what's suddenly changed? I'm not saying you had any right to know from the start, but at the same time....

If you're mad about him, and he's mad about you, then you should be able to cool things off while he sorts out his baby issues. I don't think it's a good idea to try and marry these two major efforts, give him space to sort out access to his kid, and if ye really feel anything for each other then you can pick it up again when that's sorted.

accounts

thanks star pants... that was my reply to him last night... i guess more than anything im still in shock! and doubting myself.... i guess i know everyones goin 2 have something to say as soon as they find out and more than anything im trying to prepare myself for the negativity thats going to come from friends and family.. but the reality is...this could happen to anyone who has a one night stand... and i respect him for facing his responsiblities and wanting to care for this little girl... but i know its not how others will see it....

Beruthiel

accounts wrote: »

want to be there for him...and he still wants me in his life.... am i mad?

Why exactly do you think you are mad?

Should i cut ties now? or should i stick through and try to make the best of a bad situation?

Explain what you mean by a bad situation?
I am a tad confused, you both seem to care for each other, he has this one issue he needs to deal with, everyone has some issue or other that they need to deal with, so is it because it's a child and you are not interested in that, or is it something else?

star-pants

accounts wrote: »

thanks star pants... that was my reply to him last night... i guess more than anything im still in shock! and doubting myself.... i guess i know everyones goin 2 have something to say as soon as they find out and more than anything im trying to prepare myself for the negativity thats going to come from friends and family.. but the reality is...this could happen to anyone who has a one night stand... and i respect him for facing his responsiblities and wanting to care for this little girl... but i know its not how others will see it....

Of course it's a shock - it's a big thing to drop on someone. Especially after being together so long you probably thought you knew almost everything about him. It would be a bit doubting that he took so long to tell you but there could be a million reasons why he didn't. At the beginning he might not have known how things would pan out etc so why ruin the start of something good without knowing the outcome. He also may have had major issues from family about it, I have a friend who is in the exact same situation as your boyfriend, although he's never seen his daughter. He's so torn inside by it, and some of his family won't even talk about it.

It won't be easy - there may be arguements between the two of ye and as you said pressure or uncomfortableness from friends and family, but try and be strong. If a relationships worth fighting for then give it your all hun.

LOL at everyone saying 'what's the big deal'. A child is a VERY big deal. I would be very annoyed at someone who waited 7 months to tell me. Would you feel the same about a woman who denied her child for 7 months? It's the kind of thing you should tell someone at the beginning of a relationship! I think the other party DOES have the right to know something so important. If he'd been honest from the start, I'd definitely think about it, but lying/hiding the truth for 7 months is a dealbreaker for me. I'd feel deceived and like I got into the relationship under false pretenses, not knowing he'd end up spending weekends abroad with his kid and so on. That should have been clear from the start. It's very, very unfair, to let someone get attached to you and drop a bombshell like this. It's not like he only just found out about the child now. He's kept this from you the whole time. Personally I would find it unforgiveable.

accounts

Thanks star pants your the only person saying wat i want to hear.... how has your friend coped with this situation....i cant even begin to understand how it must feel for my boyfriend to have gone through this on his own... having no one to share his feelings with when he always listens to my petty problems and helps me solve them... i feel i owe it to him to try make this work and to be there for him... i know tons of people that their partners have children from previous relationships and they all seem to make it work... its not ideal with her living abroad...but surely we can find a away around it....?

as for izzy wizzy.. i did initially feel betrayed and felt every emotion yove described.. i was so angry...but when he fell into my arms and i watched him cry and sob that he wants to be a part of his daughters life so much.. and cant... and hasnt been able to talk to anyone about it for fear he'll be judged as a bad person...theres not many men out there would face the consequences of a child born out of a one night stand.... but he has never walked away from his responsibilities... he has never denied his daughter...but has been denied a chance with her.... Doesnt he deserve a second chance?

Reflector

the mum doesn't want him in the babies life but yet is happy enough to take money off him. She sounds like a right bitch. Anyway I don't see a problem. He has a kid?? So what. He wants to be with you not her thats whats important. He sounds like a good guy as well working hard to send over money for his kid. Lots of guys don't even bother.

accounts

he is a good guy... if he wasnt id have walked straight away... thanks for the positive comments...they have really helped!! xx

star-pants

accounts wrote: »

Thanks star pants your the only person saying wat i want to hear.... how has your friend coped with this situation....i cant even begin to understand how it must feel for my boyfriend to have gone through this on his own... having no one to share his feelings with when he always listens to my petty problems and helps me solve them... i feel i owe it to him to try make this work and to be there for him... i know tons of people that their partners have children from previous relationships and they all seem to make it work... its not ideal with her living abroad...but surely we can find a away around it....?

as for izzy wizzy.. i did initially feel betrayed and felt every emotion yove described.. i was so angry...but when he fell into my arms and i watched him cry and sob that he wants to be a part of his daughters life so much.. and cant... and hasnt been able to talk to anyone about it for fear he'll be judged as a bad person...theres not many men out there would face the consequences of a child born out of a one night stand.... but he has never walked away from his responsibilities... he has never denied his daughter...but has been denied a chance with her.... Doesnt he deserve a second chance?

My friend still hasn't coped with it yet - initially he wanted nothing to do with her. It too happened from a one night stand in another continent. The mother tried to contact him a month or two later when she found out to tell him she was pregnant and keeping the baby no matter what. At the time he didn't know how to deal and decided he didn't care. Came home after a while and settled back into his life here. But it's plagued him since, he tried talkin to his parents but they seemed to be unable to understand. He thought he didn't want part in her life purely because she was over there, he was here - how could he remotely be a good dad (he thought).
It took him a while to tell me, and when he did he gave off the vibe that he didn't want to talk about it ever. So I didn't push. But he came back with it to me because he felt noone cared and I said I hadn't asked because he'd told me not to. But when he opened up he said he felt so guilty about the whole thing - obviously it's not the best situation but he hates the thought of her growing up without him, but is at a loose end as to how to rectify it as he won't move.

Thing is - obviously your bf should have tried to tell you and I'd be very hurt too as someone witholding this kind of major information but people make mistakes and he's at least facing his. He knew what he risked telling you and he just had to hope you'd still be able to trust him again. And you have - I'm not saying down teh line things won't get tough or godforbid things still won't work out. But if ye both love each other - it's worth a shot I think.

He's working his backside off - supporting the daughter as best he can in the situation. He wants to try and make right his wrongs. If you can be there for him that's great. Although it would be understandable if the pressure got too much. The only way is to try it and see - what's there to lose really? Lose him now, and wonder could it have worked. Or give him a second chance and potentially lose him in the future, knowing ye tried your best. I know some would say cut your losses now, it'll hurt more the longer it goes on. And they're probably right. But you seem to really care for him, and to me, that's what matters more than 'what if'. This is yer challenge as a couple and to get through it would make ye stronger I hope. xx

Poloman

Why on earthw ould you consider ending things? Because he has a child that he is making effort to be near and financially supports? Dont be mad. Its about you and him not his past.

You seem very considerate and understanding fair play to you. I think he is lucky to have you and probably you him. i hope you see sense and keep things going its seems ye are very close.

LegacyUser

This is going to bring you problems in the long term.

Yes, very good guy but not very sensible...he told you after 7 months..and after 7 months he realised he wants to be a father? Did you see pictures etc?

How about if your relationship ends up in marriage and children? You are not going to be happy having your husband going to his other family in the weekends and leaving you behind, and not to mention him sending money to support that other woman...

You are going to get angry very often, you are still in the "love is in the air" phase, but when you go down to a more practical phase it will be very hard.

When he's going over to see his daughter, is he staying at the mother's place?

I know this sounds tough, but he cannot be a father of a one-night-stand child who lives abroad, that's not a father's role... I know it's not the baby's fault, but it may be better for him not to interfere and let that other girl have her own family and find a father for that baby. Like a real family. And let you guys have the possibility of yours..

glezo

AngryBadger wrote: »

Not the best position to be trying to build a relationship. And what happens while all this is going on? Are you prepared to be at his beck and call while he to and fros to see this child during and after whatever pegal proceedings are required?

Unless you're absolutely head over heels about this guy I don't know why you'd want to get involved in such a messy situation.

If you're mad about him, and he's mad about you, then you should be able to cool things off while he sorts out his baby issues. I don't think it's a good idea to try and marry these two major efforts, give him space to sort out access to his kid, and if ye really feel anything for each other then you can pick it up again when that's sorted.

i totally disagree with wat angry badger has said...
although i know your only givin your view..

reason been, i have been in same suitation to a certain degree,
when i met my bf he told me straight of that he had a little girl, but certain things had to still go through the courts..
its not a messy suitation to be in at all, all rite their be days that he might get down cause things he had planned did not go through but apart from that he was able to get all he wanted to do wit the child through the courts

as for not gud for building a relationship, it cud make it stronger as he has you to talk to now

gud luck with wat ever way you go

Motley Crue

OP I do not see the problem in supporting him and making sure he has an active participation in his daughters life....there would be nothing worse, for him, then waiting until she was 18 and turning up at her birthday because she wanted to meet "her father"

liger

I've gone out with a couple of women and told them about the situation that i had, kid wih ex gf and having to go through the courts and that it could be messy. One said thanks for the information goodbye ( lucky me ) and the other said she loved me and of course she'll stick with me. A couple of trips to court and that support vanished along with her. You might have good intentions but when the reality of how much crap there is to deal with then your opinion might change, 3 and half years later and i'm still sorting things out and my job is the only love in my life.

Jack Sheehan

Honestly he sounds like a good guy, it seems like its worth it to stay.

Salome

He's trying to support his daughter - he has taken his responsibilities seriously. He has to be commended for that.

He may, at times, have to put his daughter ahead of you though - which is only right. Can you live with this?

galwaydude

Fair play to your bf for doing the right thing by his daughter. It will be only affect you if you let it. If you really want a future with your bf be open and honest. It will be hard but you can get through it with your bf. I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

what a bombshell! don't panic, you will be fine.everything will work out the way its supposed to. just take it as it comes and and see how u feel and you'll know what to do. best of luck.

accounts

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments... especially those with previous experience!! ive decided to give it a go...and whatever hurdles arise we can face them together....hopefully....im not sayin it will last forever...but i think he's worth tryin for!!

Thanks guys!! xxx

star-pants

Best of luck to you hun - I hope things work out! x